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Hey there, all! It's me, Zag! Seeing how much love, attention, and acceptance Walter's thread has been getting, I'll be doing (another) CYOA thread of my own, complete with it's own horrible MS-Paint-esque art! This one will be as goofy and light hearted as you want, due to the fact that you will be able to do anything!

I'll be basing this CYOA off of a little game I recently found called Roll for Shoes. Basically, you guys will begin by telling our main character what to do, and the story (and Billy's abilities) will progress as we go!

_ 

 

This is Billy, your very own flesh-puppet. Billy is an average North American kid, aged somewhere between eight and twelve years. He likes to sit down in his hallway at home and think about life.

 

That red-haired woman in the blouse with the flower, do you see her there? That is Billy's smelly old mother. She makes him run off and do errands and boring chores like digging holes in the yard, and throwing unmarked and putrid smelling bags in said holes.

"BILLY!" His mother shrieks at hims, as she exits her room with a thud. "I NEED YOU TO GO OUT AND BUY ME SOME CIGARETTES!" His mother throws a wad of money at him, and taps her foot impatiently.

_

Billy currently has one skill: Do Anything (1)

What should Billy do?

Take the money, then spend it on Brazilian Jujitsu lessons.

Ooh! Good idea. Does anyone second this?

I do! It sounds like a mighty fine idea.

Just so you know, you guys can also vote on questions regarding equipment like, “Does Billy have a photon blaster?” or “Is Billy wearing shoes?”

As Billy walks over to his nearest gym offering Brazillian Jiujutsu lessons, he comes across a homeless man begging for money. However, Billy's mother had only given him a total of twenty dollar bills. He would would have to be smart with it. Lessons cost twenty dollars flat, and if he gave his mother's money away, he wouldn't have enough.

Punch the bum, take what little money he has in the cup, then run off to the gym.

Would anyone like to second this?

Second.

Lol. Anyone besides End?

Seconded.

Aaaaallright.

Billy knocks the poor man in the teeth, sending the can in his hand flying. Billy finds a total of two dollars and twenty five cents. Heading over to the gym, he runs into no more obstacles.

He finds who he presumes to be his soon to be teacher and hands him the twenty dollars. "I'd like to start taking Jiujutsu lessons, sir."

The man's eyes gleam with a feeling adjacent to pride... maybe? Billy couldn't tell. The man had long greasy hair, and was wearing active wear. He looked Billy up and down, licking his chops. 

"Yeah, sure!" 

Billy felt a bit strange after the lesson. He had learned a bit from his oddball teacher, like how and where to grab people, but those techniques were pushed out of his mind after processing that most of what they did was roll around on a sweaty mat that smelled like fifty-year-old man stench.

It didn't matter anymore. Billy stood outside the gym and wondered what to do next.

Well we still have a prime $2.25 to spend, so let's go to the nearest viable place to buy a snickers bar. After buying one, let's head to the neighborhood hawtie's house and present it to her as a token of our friendship.

Nah, we got a mean right hook. Lets keep heading to the gym, but for boxing. We should eventually get around to punching out our mom too.

Do we have enough money to pay for another lesson? 

I think we got molested. We should probably call the police.

Better yet, call the SWAT team on the gym.

Seconded.

Thirded

Fourthed.

Alright! Let’s go with that!

Billy reaches for his pocket, and realizes that his smelly old mother never bought him a phone. Right then, a young woman walks past him, speaking to someone on the other end about some mindless gossip she heard.

Let's steal the woman's phone to call the police.

Does anyone agree?

Charm her out of the phone. Gotta work on those persuasion skills.

And Billy is no hoodlum, hobo punching aside.

That’s probably a better option.

seconded, wizal! Lets charm a bloke!

I dunno, I would also prefer to charm this lady out of her phone. If we punch too many people, our star rating goes up! The police won't care if a few hobos get punched, but this lady? She can afford to have a phone! She has connections!

Well, it seems that now we have a tie! Does anyone else want to vote?

Charm the lady out of her phone and if that doesn't work THEN steal her phone.

I'm voting for this, a sensible compromise.

Although a ten year old is going to have a way easier time coming off as sympathetic than winning a fight against every adult they come across.

Successful sociopaths use subtlety.

Here here! This is the option for the people!

Thirded!

On it!

OK everyone good work so far. Now wait till he's halfway done drawing and throw out a fourth option for everyone to vote for instead.

Gah!

12 minutes into this decision and I'm thinking, y'know, charming is all well and good, but how about we seduce the woman out of her phone instead? And if she doesn't give us the phone, we sue her for depriving us of an emergency call instead of robbing her?

Seconded. Fighting lessons, hobo punching, calling the SWAT team ... this story is pure madness so far, Mizal's option would be far too sane.

Alrighty! Seems like we'll go with this one!

Where is @Mayana, this thread has actual words describing context and everything, she might even be able to vote with some idea of what's going on this time.

Haha, yeah! I’ve been waiting for her to come along.

Alright then, I'll vote. If an admin wants me to, I have no choice but to comply. :) I was a bit worried when I saw the title of this thread, the phrase "to play with yourself" usually has a different meaning. Fortunately, it seems to be just normal randomness so far.

Zag posted a bunch of nudes of himself in the OP, but you can't see them so don't worry.

You must've really enjoyed them, since the post is commended. Bad bad admin! :P

Who wouldn't? ;)

I wanted something that would draw in members, and it also reflects the fact that I am literally running a Roll for Shoes game in this thread.

For some reason Imgur isn't letting post my images. It's saying I'm uploading them too fast. Does anyone know of a better image hosting site?

You could try imgbox.com

Never managed to trigger that with imgur though, how many are you doing?

I uploaded at least three within the last hour.

- Use the woman's phone to call the police.

Billy looks up at the woman and makes himself look as small as possible. "Miss," he begins, "may I use your cell phone?" 

Billy decides that the lady should know as little as possible, after considering if he should mention what he was going to do, or why he didn't have a phone.

Thankfully, the woman smiles softly, "Oh, of course you can!"

_

Billy learned a new skill: Charm (2) !

_

Billy dials up the police, and explains what happened to him. He is careful to include the address of the gym, and the name of his "instructor". The woman looks at him strangely as he finishes up, and hands her phone back to her.

"What was all that about?" 

Good job on the level up Billy but damn it kid do you not know what SWATing is??

Anyway use your level 2 Charm skill to explain the instructor is your mom's boyfriend who molests you, and she's on drugs and half the time you don't know where she is. Or whatever it takes to get this woman to adopt you, it's time to upgrade to a better mom.

I was trying to figure out a way to word this. Seconded.

Thirded

Fourthded

Fifthed

Got it!

Haha this is awesome!!!

Good idea on leaving the "what to do next" option open instead of picking between A and B. Makes it more community driven.

Thank you kind sir! Also keep in mind that am literally running a Roll for Shoes game.

Billy began to bawl his eyes out. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he opened his heart. "My mother is a cruel person! She beats me nearly every day, and forces me to do back breaking labor until I can no longer move a muscle!" Billy wasn't pulling any punches on this one. Not all of what he said was true, but he really didn't care much for his mom.

The woman first looked at the young boy in shock, then compassion. "Kid," she was bout to begin, then found a more appropriate word, "No, not kid. Son. Come here, my child!" The young woman brought Billy into a warm embrace for what felt like a pleasant eternity.

Billy gained a companion: [Young Woman] !

Billy then thought that things were going to get better.

He couldn't have been father from the truth.

Billy felt the pressure of a large and sweaty hand upon the two of them. Looking up, Billy found himself gazing into a pair of eyes. A masked man wielding a meat cleaver towered over the two.

"Mmm-mm-m!" The man shook his head with twisted glee. "You two are going to be absolutely ta-asty!" The man elongated the word 'tasty' in a sing-song voice. Billy could even hear the guy lick his chops under that mask in a way only rapists and similar deviants do.

 

Run Billy run! The woman doesn't matter that much, such a charming kid can get another companion later. The same can't be said for lives. Just get somewhere safe and call the police (again), the fighting lessons aren't going to help here. This choice is probably way too reasonable, let's see what others come up with.

Punch him in the dick and take the cleaver.

Seconded

Use a brazilian Jiujistu move on him, obviously! Why else did he took those lessons??

Use Brazilian Juidistu (or however you spell that word) to rip off the perv's dick. Then, shove it down his throat to choke him to death. :)

I highly doubt Billy learned anything from those Jujitsu lessons. Zag didn't even mentione any new skills like he did with charm.

I didn't get that impression either, which is why we need to try for Dick Punching 2.

It's a skill with a lot of applications.

Charm the serial killer by telling him about your bitch whore mom, thus appealing to the serial killer’s own fucked up mommy issues and convince him to go kill Billy’s mom instead.

Hell yes, this couldn't possibly go wrong. There is no way the killer will just ignore everything and have poor Billy as lunch. Count me in!

But how will this teach us to punch dicks? And we need that cleaver for any future combat encounters.

If we have a killer companion, he can punch dicks for us. Besides, we can just charm him into giving us the cleaver later.

Seconded. This willl likely get the killer killed, and our mom. Knocking two birds with one stone here.

It looks like we'll be doing this one!

Billy gives the same sad sob story to the masked man, who breaks into tears.

"Wow," he sniffles through his mask, "I had an abusive mother as well!" The man nods and pushes his hands through his hair. "Yes, we'll have to have you kill and eat her too, just as I did all those years ago." The man licks his chops audibly again.

Billy's skill: Charm (2), advanced to Charm To Attack (3) !

Billy's new mom furrows her brow. "Are you sure that's necessary? I'm not sure that I want my son here to be influenced by you." Billy's new mom tugs at his arm in an attempt to lead him away from the masked cannibal.

This guy has bad hygiene and is unstable, and also some kind of psychopath, he might turn on us. Go with the lady and seek out new adventures...although I know this vote is futile and you might as well start drawing that cannibalism scene now.

Well, it seems there is already two votes for cutting your losses and ditching the masked guy.

Go with the new mom. Moms > cannibals.

I'm concerned about how he'll respond to our up and dipping out right after we've come to an agreement. We did already call the swat team to the gym if I'm not mistaken. Can we lure him to the gym before double crossing him so there will be armed and capable adults to save us?

Thoughts everyone?

No calling the SWAT team was lost in translation; Billy gave his local police a call instead.

If the local police are coming, we can still backstab him with them.

The local pd will do just fine. Even if half of them are overweight donut depositories they still have guns and have to meet yearly proficiency standards.

Tell the serial killer where your old bitch mom lives, tell him you’ll met up with him there since it’ll look suspicious if you go together. Then run off with new hawt mom.

Seconded.

Seems that there's a tie here between Mizal and End.

I'll move my vote here

I'll change mine to this, seems like a good plan for this oddly manipulative charming ten year old to come up with.

Maybe the killer and the mom will fall in love and run away together, then everybody's happy.

Okay! We'll be going with this idea!

I'll go ahead and third this, but the sudden change in telling the serial killer to go ahead and off your previous mother MIGHT give new mom some serious second thoughts about adopting you. It might serve us better to run away and find some other way to deal with the serial killer, but this will tidily solve the immediate problem and it seems like that's what we're going with anyway.

We can always tell new mom that we gave the serial killer a fake address.

Actually, why not just give him the address to a police station?

Serial killer probably knows that one

Go with the young woman!

"How about you go ahead, and we'll follow you?" Billy feels unsure of himself, and it looks as if the masked man can see this.

The cannibal laughs maniacally, his hands in the air before looking back down at Billy and his new mom. "You think you can fool me that easily?" He lunges at Billy, in an attempt to grab him. "You're coming along, and you're going to give me a little helping hand!"

 

RUN BILLY RUN! RUN WITH YOUR NEW MOM AWAY FROM THIS CREEP!

NOW can we punch him in the dick?

Or maybe the new mom knows jiu jitsu.

Tell new hawt mom to distract the serial killer with her tits while saying “Don’t you want mommy’s milk?”

Then we punch the hell out of his dick.

The only flaw I see in this plan is that it has to be discussed and agreed to right in front of guy as he's leaping toward you with a meat cleaver.

Alright, this is it. We can pretend to struggle, but if we want to get everything we want, then our best option here is to go along with him. This way we don’t alarm him, and can find new, better opportunities to escape, kill, or maim this serial killer. Tell the new mom you’ll be right back, then go with the serial killer. 

He’s clearly trying to get us to become like him, but if we can manage to push trough it and not become insane, then we’ll also get a few stat upgrades. @EndMaster Here’s your chance to become the serial killer you always wanted to be.