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Daiki_Aomine
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A Short Poemish
3 days ago
Fire Within
A spark flight takes, a flash of flame,
A firestorm that engulfs the haze.
It pulses hot, it roars loud,
A thunder that thunders through the cloud.
It bites and tears, an unresting sea,
A tempest raging deep within me.
Flames that scorch, hot and burning bright,
That turn day to darkest night.
But in the heat, there is a key
A call to change, to break free.
For anger's flame, though hot and burning deep,
Can see the right from all the wrong.
Daiki_Aomine
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A Short Poemish
3 days ago
Its my first try so im open on recommendations
Mizal
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A Short Poemish
3 days ago
I never critique poetry, but congrats on instantly being a more viable human than Kage.
Daiki_Aomine
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A Short Poemish
2 days ago
thanks
Anthraxus
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A Short Poemish
3 days ago
It's not bad. Decent imagery and good word flow through most of it. You do a good job of maintaining the flame/fire imagery throughout and bringing your other symbolism back to it.
There are a couple places that are a little rough that could be refined with better word choice. It also feels like you need to decide whether it is going to have a rhyming cadence through out, or be free verse. Doing both undercuts the emotional impact as it make people thinking about the non-rhyming lines more than the symbolism. "Thunder that thunders" is awkward. You might try something like "A thunder that rolls/washes through the cloud" reads less awkwardly to me. The phasing of "Flames...burning bright, that turn day to darkest night" is interesting. I can see what you are going for, but it feels weird to say that the flame is burning bright and thus making the day dark. Maybe something like "Flames that scorch, hot and burning bright, that make the bright day seem the darkest night". Along thse same lines, the very last line just doesn't seem to flow with the rest of the poem at all. Maybe you could go with something about fire burning away the lies to reveal the truth or something like that.
Daiki_Aomine
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A Short Poemish
2 days ago
thanks, I will work to improve my poetry skills
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