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I am not finished with this story yet, but I'd like some feedback on my writing and what I can improve on. This is my first story game so I want to know what you think of it. I'm most interested in suggestions on improvements to the story, characters, or description of the setting. That is probably the one I struggle with most. Any and all feedback is appreciated!

Here is the URL http://chooseyourstory.com/story/the-underland-adventure

Gimma a day or so if you don't mind, and I will read over if you would like. My storygame entry is nearly complete, and I don't have alot of free time at the moment, otherwise I would read it now...sorry.

Okay sure!  Take your time. I can wait. Thank you for letting me know.

I just wanted to go ahead and give you at least some feedback while most of us are all busy with our storygame submissions. I only really read about half before just scanning the rest.... Hope that's okay? I can give you deeper and more detailed feedback in a couple of days.... I did notice that you write alot like I did when I was younger, so it was easy for me to read. If you need an editor before you publish, I would be happy to help you with that as well, as soon as I finish my submission entry.

I really liked you story so far. It was more descriptive and better written than many first storygames on here. I did notice a few confusions with tense in a couple phrases and some grammical/punctuation mistakes, but not so many that it distracted me from the story itself. There are a couple things at the beginning that need to be fixed, though. On one of the first pages, you have a sentence that looks like this:

"You should be sorry!" Shut up Lex.

Was Lizzy talking to herself or resoonding to her brother there? Also, at the bottom of that same page there is a large blank space you have to scroll down to see the links? Did you delete some text from that page and forget the delete the lines where the text was before? Idk, but you may want to fix that. A little further in the story, there was a 'ding, dong' right before Lizzy's brother comes in. Was that a doorbell? Why would he ring the doorbell if he lives there? You may want to fix that as well. The only other thing I noticed was that it was kinda confusing when Lizzy was thinking as you didn't format it in any way. You should probably use italics or 'single' brackets around her thoughts to avoid confusing the reader.

Hope that helps some. Sorry that I wasn't able to read very far past the point where Lizzy and Lex reach Underland. Good luck, and just let me know if you need someone to look it over again later...

Thanks for the feedback. It's really helpful. I'll try to make those things clearer. Yeah, I did originally have some other text there, but I deleted it. I guess that's what the space is from.