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Motivational Thread/Previews

9 years ago

A motivational thread... it seems that many people are doing one of those so I might as well jump on the bandwagon. Plus, I'll probably acquire some input for the story which is never a bad thing.

Well, The Mountain of Scáth Dubh is already almost half-completed. Its in fantasy genre with many characters from Irish mythology (such as Caoránach, Dullahan, Miach, and Dearg Due). I hate giving away spoilers, so that's all I am going to say about the plot... for now.

I have over seventy pages made already. (I have been working on this one for a while.) All of those pages are in one of the two major branches. One is if the player is male; the other is if the player is female. (I have always been annoyed how some stories simply replace the word "him" with "her".) The male branch is mostly complete and more dialog driven while the female rout will be more combat driven.

I have also tried to create an odd atmosphere for the story. People act against expectations, and there is a certain sense of moral ambiguity throughout.

Here is something from the story that does not spoil the plot:

The sun is beginning to set, the wind has turned into a gusting monster, and there is an odd silence of all things alive.

"Where do you want to sleep at?" Asks Casey. This is the first time in which we have spoken for hours... I look around me and realize that there is a cliff off to our right.
I say pointing to the cliffs, "We could go there. I think it would provide us protection."
"Sure." She begins walking over to that place.

I follow and soon we reach the spot. There is a cliff on both sides of us, and it is split almost as if a giant ripped a humongous rock into two pieces. Casey sits down leaning against a pine while I have almost unlimited questions in my head.

I decide to alleviate my poor head, so I ask, "Why travel with me?"
"Why would I not want to hang around a new person? It gets boring after the same hundred people are the only ones that you know... especially our odd bunch."
"I could try to kill you in your sleep."
"No, your soul looks too bright for that to happen."
"What does that mean?"
She seems to think about her answer for a moment and then shrugs, "Uh, it’s a demon thing."
"Oh."
...
...
"Casey."
"Yes?"
"Why do you play the fiddle?"
"Do you like to do anything, Corrin?"
"I... I like to think... I guess."
"Is it a passion? Is it something that you would want to do as much as you can?"
"I suppose so."
"That's why I play the fiddle."
...
...
"How old are you, Casey? Also, don't say 'never ask a woman her age'."
"I am simultaneously over a thousand years and twenty. I stopped aging at that age."
"Then, are you wise?"
"I almost killed you by accident when you fell down the gorge. I am not wise. My body does not mature and neither does my mind. This is the case with almost all of us on the mountain."
...
...
"Why are all of you on this mountain? Is something keeping you here?"
"We aren't here on our own volition. We used to be everywhere. Mankind has pushed us almost into extinction and even more of us have relinquished our status as ageless."
"What does that mean?"
"Corrin, I could become totally human if I wanted to. The vampires could become human. The leprechauns could become weird humans... All we have to do is ask Patrick, but then we would age. It would begin a slow suicide."
"Oh."

Our conversation ends, and Casey's breathing slows to that of a person lost in sleep.

I had better do the same.

Motivational Thread/Previews

9 years ago
Wow! Good story so far. I found the conversation between the characters highly engaging and easy to follow. There were a few grammar mistakes, but not too many. Then again, I don't really worry about those until I am done writing the story, myself. I like this sneak peek, and I can't wait to read more. If you need a proofreader when you finish, just let me know! I would be glad to help! :)

Motivational Thread/Previews

9 years ago

Same with Breezy. Great plot and grammar!

Motivational Thread/Previews

9 years ago

Update #1: I am still working on the male storyline, but it is nearing completion. I have made it so that a few anomalies in this storyline will make more sense after the female storyline is played through as well. So far, I have 85 pages made, and I should have at least twice as many by the time that I publish this.
Also, here's a bit of information: the male's name is Corrin. (Yes, it's a Fire Emblem reference, but, it's Irish so it still works.)

Motivational Thread/Previews

9 years ago

 

XD shouldn't that be "Corraidhin?"

Skip this next part if you like, I'm just picking on ultimately unimportant details:

Why does Casey say "where do you want to sleep at?" instead of simply "where do you want to sleep?"

Also, really?  Is he a quadraplegic or something?  Most people, when asked if they have anything they like to do, can come up with something better than "think."

You're all in on . . . it's called Celtic! Celtic not Irish!! . . . ahem "Irish" mythology, and yet . . . vampires and demons?

Don't use two-dollar words if you don't really know what they mean. You can alleviate a headache.  You can't alleviate your head.

Okay, back to praise XD.  It's pretty cool you're using Celtic folklore. 

Motivational Thread/Previews

9 years ago

Thanks for the questions:

  • Yeah... Corraidhin is quite frankly something that I would misspell throughout the story, so I had to keep it simpler. (I often have typos.)
  • "Sleep at" is simply my speech patterns bleeding into the dialog.
  • Yes, I thought that "think" was pretty lame, but I honestly could not think of anything better for the character. He hasn't done much that is considered fun in his backstory. Nevertheless, it does make sense for the character. (He is still uncomfortable with Casey's presence, so he just blurted out what came first to both his and my own mind.)
  • I did use Irish for a reason. The Celts include, among other ethnic groups, the Scots. I did not want Scottish mythology (even though it is also rich in stories). The vampires are in Irish/Celtic mythology with an example being Dearg Due (who is a seductive vampire), and the demons come from Roman Catholicism (even though I will not say that demons are a myth).
  • Finally, both American and UK English define alleviate as basically making something painful less severe. Corrin has so many questions in his head that it is beginning to hurt. As a result, he wants to alleviate it... That's my reasoning at least. I hope that it's correct.

Thank you all for your comments.

Motivational Thread/Previews

9 years ago

Prepositions at the end of sentences is something up with which we should not put. XD 

 

Right, alleviate= make less severe, like I said- you can alleviate a headache; you can't alleviate your head.  Think of it this way: could you make your head less severe?

 

Motivational Thread/Previews

9 years ago

"Could you make your head less severe?"

*snicker* I was going to make a comment, but ... I probably shouldn't. (In fairness, it's been a long day.) Just, uh, listen to Seth, OP.

Motivational Thread/Previews

9 years ago

Why have I not updated in over a week? Well, the reason is because I did not feel as if I had anything to say other than, "I did stuff in the male storyline." Now, I can say that I have completed the male storyline. I would have completed it sooner, but I kept on adding onto the endings. In fact, this entire story was supposed to be pretty short... I always have to add on something else.

It is now on to Áine's storyline. That's her name by the way. In case you are wondering, I changed "I decided to alleviate my poor head" to "I decide to find the answers to at least a few of those questions". Thanks for the advice.

Motivational Thread/Previews

9 years ago
A few thoughts on your dialogue.

- People very rarely say the name of the person they're talking to in conversation. It's generally unnatural.
- Might be personal preference, but I've always felt first person dialogue flows better when you tag it at the end.

EXCERPT BELOW:
"Where do you want to sleep at?" Asks Casey. This is the first time in which we have spoken for hours... I look around me and realize that there is a cliff off to our right.
I say pointing to the cliffs, "We could go there. I think it would provide us protection."
"Sure." She begins walking over to that place.

You have some unnecessary words and passive voice here. It hurts the flow. I think the writing in all of your stories has been pretty good, but the lack of fluidity is what weakens them. Dialogue tags take you out of the story. If you don't need one, it's best to get rid of it. Try using actions to distinguish the speakers. And passive voice just clutters up most writing, unless it has a specific surreal like purpose.

Sometimes less is more. I'd write it something along the lines of this.

Casey breaks the silence. "Where do you want to sleep?"
"We could go there." I point to a cliff-face on our right. "They should protect us."
She nods. "Sure."

Just some thoughts. Good luck.

Motivational Thread/Previews

9 years ago

Well, I am at 119 pages already. Áine's storyline is heading in unexpected directions. For example, I have introduced a new character that I created simply because I was wondering how there could be a glowing, green light. (Yes, I am not joking.) Quite frankly, I like the character. Here is how you'd meet her if you found a sort of hidden part of the game.

I fall to my knees and dry heave. Why are my hands wet? I am in the demon's blood.

I stand up and flee. There is nothing that I am running from, but I run... until I cannot see anything. Looking back, there is only the one green source of light. I wipe the blood off onto my clothes and walk back to the demon.

As I get get closer to the light, it appear to be getting father away. Confused, I stop. I notice that the demon has not moved, but the light has. I run after the light before I am left in the dark. I am too afraid to call out, but I slowly close the distance between us.

Abruptly, it stops, and I hardly manage to stop in time. The light is just inches from my face.

"Who are you?" The voice is both musical and harsh.
"I am Áine. Who... and where are you?"
"I am in front of you."
"What are you?" I try to block the light with my hands to see the speaker.
"I am me." Fearful of another demon coming by, I have to end this conversation soon.
"Listen, I just killed that demon. Unless you are one of them, I think you should be nicer to me."

Everything suddenly goes dark. I try to feel around with my hand, but it does not work. I sit down, for I do not want to trip.

"I think you should be nicer to me."
"Could you at least tell me what you are?"
"Fine. I am a Aes Sídh."
"A faerie! I never knew you existed."
"This is the Damn underworld of Scáth Dubh. What did you expect?"
"I also thought your kind are nicer."
"Nope, not me. I am a loner who prefers to neither be captive from Fomorians nor talking to stupid girls."
"That means I saved you from that demon. Can you save me?"
"No."
"Why?"
"Nobody can be saved. I've been in their town. They are going to destroy the overworld soon, and you can't really run from that."
"I can. I am human... Wait. Miach must know that to warn the others."
"That's really honorable of you. Tell the people their problems and then leave."
"What do you think I should do?"
"Cause mayhem in their blasted town of Dohman Thíos."
"I don't think I have any option, right?"
"Yep. Also, my name is Muireann. Follow me."

The green light comes on again. Temporarily blinding me. As soon as I can see, I follow the flying light. I wonder how an inexperienced human and an angry faerie could cause mayhem in the demon's town.

Yep, I also have evolved my dialouge style a bit. Hopefully, this flows better than what I have been doing. Finally, in case you are wondering, faeries are a part of Irish mythology.

Motivational Thread/Previews

9 years ago

Tisk Tisk Tisk, it's been a while since I updated this. I have found that I am very bad at motivational threads. What do I say? (That's rhetorical.)
I'm just writing semi-consistently for this story. I'm in a constant state of brainstorming the plot (because Hell to taking the time to plan what I write). Since I think that this necro of my thread probably needs more words, here comes another preview. The font is strange because... well, I use it to signify that Áine is in a different realm. Her story has already because much more heroic than poor Corrin's. If the font sucks, tell me.
 

I try to slither through the demons to a weapon, but a fat one bumps me. I fall to the floor while he stumbles into another demon. They snort at each other until the fat one is bit by the other. Soon, everything erupts into an animalistic melee.

I rush past the warfare and to the weapons. I am awestruck by the vast array of weaponry, but I have to tear my eyes away form the scene and search. Whenever my hand reaches for a weapon, it passes through. Knowing that the demons will soon stop fighting, I quicken my pace.

Abruptly, one of the swords I touch disappears. A moment later, I can see it again, but now is appears to be fighting the darkness. I take hold of the weapon and experiment. I try to tap one of the other swords, but my own passes through. It is now in... whatever realm that I am in.

I rush out of this evil building and too the streets... What do I do now? I look around for wherever Balor might be. Nothing stands out.

Think, Áine. Balor... he is evil. Demons are evil. Demons drain away the light, so Balor might be the one who drains the most.

I scan the town for anything abnormally dark. I do see an area. It's a rather tall tower to my left. I might as well try there.

Has my writing improved in comparison to my OP?

Motivational Thread/Previews

9 years ago

Yes. I'd say this is sort of a step up from your OP. So good to see you are improving.

And I know what you mean by the whole constant brainstorming thing. My story probably makes up about 25-30% of all my thoughts these days. That's quite a lot when you think about it. (; 

Glad that you're certainly passionate about your story as well. Best of luck.