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Miraculous Stories

10 months ago

Hello! I'm a major fan of the show Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug and Cat Noir, so I've made a fan fiction story for it, starring me and my friends' OCs. It isn’t completed, but I at least have the prologue done. I will accept a bit of criticism. Enjoy!

 

Prolouge

Heart pounding, the figure raced across the nighttime rooftops. Her necklace was beeping, its noises getting louder and more frequent by the second. She had a destination up ahead, and with a final leap she landed at her destination, a balcony. Moments after her touchdown, a bright, silver-blue light emitted from the necklace. If anyone else had been there, they would have seen a small owl-like creature come from the necklace as well. After giving a small sigh of relief, the figure walked into her bedroom.

Miraculous Stories

10 months ago

Is this an prologue?  It's difficult to tell without anything following it up, but usually an prologue tells a separate piece of the story that you'll need for background knowledge.  At least, in my experience.  This just seems like the first paragraph of a story.

The writing itself is fine, I'd delete the words "as well" at the end of the fifth sentence so it flows a little better.

Miraculous Stories

10 months ago
I know nothing about the show you're referring to, so I'll just give the usual advice about writing fanfic, which is to keep in mind that most readers aren't going to know anything about it either. Concepts, characters, etc specific to the setting will need to be introduced the same way as if you're writing anything else.

The writing itself is difficult to comment on at this point. I'll come back when you've got more than six sentences.

I will say that the 'destination' sentences parse a bit weirdly though, or at the very least are redundant.

Miraculous Stories

10 months ago

I'm not familiar with the T.V. show, so I won't be able to provide a critique regarding how your story fits into that framework. However, since you've only included the beginning of your story so far, I don't think that background knowledge will be necessary for now. 

The pacing of your sentences works well. I didn't notice any run-ons or improper usage of commas, and none of them felt unnaturally short or long. Some of your descriptions also really help to add suspense to the atmosphere (e.g. "heart pounding", "its noises getting louder and more frequent by the second".) It has a 'hook' to it that helps draw the reader into your story. 

I agree with TheChef that this is more of an introductory paragraph that a prologue. I also noticed a couple instances where you repeated words (e.g. 'destination', 'necklace') that could be replaced by synonyms. This would help to improve the flow of your writing. 

Overall, it is a good start. 

Miraculous Stories

10 months ago

Now that I think about it, it’s not so much as a prologue, but more of a foreshadowing to an event that will happen later in my story. The technical first chapter is partially done, so I’d say maybe a week give or take until it’s finished. Thanks for the tips I have been left so far!

Miraculous Stories

10 months ago

If the god-narrator knows her heart is pounding, it doesn't make much sense to distance that by calling her, "the figure." You could describe the figure just with external clues, or let us know directly who she is.

 

 

Miraculous Stories

10 months ago

Well, I suppose the figure thing was a little off, but if my story goes the way I hope, then “the figure” will be reviled later on.

Miraculous Stories

10 months ago
General thoughts ... may or not be applicable, depending on what you're trying to convey. Not a lot for context here.

"the figure" - This is vague. Are you trying to be vague? If not, I would use a more descriptive noun.

"its noises" - I'd cut that out as repetitive. We know that beeps are noises. Removing it will improve your flow.

"destination" x2 - You used the same word twice in the same sentence. Kind of clunky. Destination is also vague. I'd rewrite this sentence to paint a better image of what the character is running towards.

"Moments after her touchdown" - I'd cut that out as unnecessary/obvious. She just landed on the balcony. Removing it will improve your flow.

"come" - Kind of a weak verb here. I'd use something more descriptive. How exactly is the owl escaping this necklace?

Last sentence: I would rephrase it to give it more punch. - She sighed, relieved, and walked into her bedroom.

General Advice:

Use strong nouns and strong verbs.

Use adjectives sparingly.

Kill all adverbs that end in "ly"

Have a clear idea of the image you want to convey, then use words that will paint that specific image.

Avoid unnecessary repetition.

Don't point out the obvious.

Lastly, ignore all rules in appropriate circumstances.

Miraculous Stories

10 months ago

Yes! Vague is exactly what I’m going for! The whole point of this part is to be mysterious about everything.

Miraculous Stories

10 months ago
Just keep in mind there is a sliding scale of vagueness - and figure is pretty much on the end of it. You might be able to add some flavor to it, while still concealing the character's identity. But that can come down to an artistic choice.

Otherwise, story questions are good - so long as you take care to answer them before the story is over. And you have to give the reader some answers along the way, otherwise you just build up too many questions and risk causing confusion or apathy.

Best of luck.

Miraculous Stories

10 months ago
There is some good advice here in this thread already. As others have cautioned you: when you create a fan fiction based on something else, many readers will have no idea what you're talking about. It is very easy as a writer to assume that the reader knows things, simply because you know them. Realize that you will likely need to explain some setup, allow the reader a page or two of background information, or even include links to the original thing so people have an idea of what's going on. Also, do take your time to develop a complete story. It is easy to put down a few words and want to show them to the world, but take your time. Make sure the story is complete before you publish it. If you want more feedback, use this very forum to ask questions and make sure you're ready to publish.

Miraculous Stories

10 months ago

I've kinda lost interest in writing this, but I am now (trying) to make a comic on the same story I have planned. If anyone wants to help me, I will gladly accept your help. I hope I will pull through with this one!

Miraculous Stories

10 months ago

I'll help!