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Ways of the Law

3 years ago

Underneath is the first page of the story I started writing. It is mainly to introduce the main character and show how she is living at the beginning of this story. This will change drastically later on, but so far that is all I have.

My idea to let this story proceed is mainly through variables. So you basically develop your Characters Personality and at certain points the story splits of based on the decisions you made.

Please let me know what you think of the first page and tell me what you would make differently. I am always open for helpful feedback.

Ways of the Law

3 years ago

The sun rises slowly, bathing the rooftops of Sandrossa in a golden light. The warm sunlight floods through the thin, red, satin curtains of your bedroom. It colors the light inside your room red. You awaken with a yawn and slowly sit up. After a few moments you slowly rise from the bed. Your bare feet touch the slightly cold, wooden floorboards. You walk over to the window and pull aside the curtains. Opening the window, you take in a deep breath of the fresh air outside. The birds are chirping in the flower garden behind your house, and you can hear the bustling sound of the city streets behind the gardens walls. A soft wind is blowing, bringing the smell of the colorful flowers from the garden to your nose. After closing your eyes and taking a deep breath, you walk over to the desk with the integrated mirror to get ready for the day.

While you start brushing your hair, you can hear the door to your room opening. "Oh. You are awake already sweety," the soft, warm voice of your mother speaks.

You turn around with a wide smile on your face, "Good morning mommy."

Your mother walks over to you with a smile on her red painted lips. Her hair falling over her shoulders like a waterfall of black. It is the most prominent feature you inherited from her, though your hair is slightly curled. Her soft blue eyes glinting in happiness. She walks up closely behind you and says, "Let me help you sweety." Taking the brush she starts working on your hair, the dark blue sleeves of her dress slightly slipping back along her arms. You start to look into her eyes through the mirror in front of you. Your different colored eyes, one in a soft blue like your mothers and the other the piercing green of your fathers eyes, meeting her gentle gaze. You can hear her starting to hum the calming melody of the lullaby she used to sing to you every evening you could not fall asleep, and you close your eyes listening to it.

"Now you look like my cute little princess again," your mother remarks with a smile, stirring you up from your slight doze. "It's time for breakfast. I'm sure Sophie is already finished preparing it," your mother continues, as she lays the brush to the side. You hop from the chair and head over to your large closet. Opening it some of your dresses nearly fall out, since its filled to the brim. You look around for a while searching for your favorite black dress. "I know what you are looking for, sweety. Don't you want to wear something more colorful today? How about this red one?", pulling out the knee long, light red dress and holding it in front of you. 

"Can't I wear the black one?", you ask while looking back towards the closet.

A cheeky grin appears on your mothers face and she holds the dress closer, "A true lady never wears the same dress every day, sweety. Come on, you know your father likes this one a lot. I'm sure he would be happy if you wore it." After thinking a moment and one look towards the closet again you nod and let your mother help you slip into the dress. You then follow her out of your room and into the hallway. Walking along the thick, green carpet on the wooden floor always reminds you of the walks through the garden you like to take in your spare time. But the grass feels nice and cold against your bare feet, even though your nanny always worries when you walk outside without shoes. The big paintings of your long dead family members seem to always stare at you as you walk past. As you were little that used to scare you but now your already eight years old. You are to old to be scared.

Descending the grand staircase into the entry hall of your families' manor you can already smell the warm milk with honey and cinnamon your nanny Sophie always prepares for your breakfast. It mixes with the scents of fresh bread and cooked eggs. You can also smell the bitter smell of coffee for your parents. As you walk into the dining room Sophie emerges from the kitchen behind it with a large plate laden with scrambled eggs, bacon, and different cheeses. The table already is prepared with plates and silverware. There is also a plate with bread and different kinds of jam from the local farmers. You close your eyes and happily shout, "Good morning nanny Sophie!"

Sophie seems startled a bit and then quickly responds, "Good morning young miss". Without putting down the plate she makes an awkward attempt of a curtsy towards your mother, barely able to balance the plate, "Good morning mistress."

"Ohh Sophie. You know there is no need for that," your mother quickly responds and grabs onto the plate to help her keep it steady.

"I'm sorry," Sophie adds quickly, grabs a hold of the plate fully and maneuvers it to the table. She then pulls your mothers chair for her and does the same for you as soon as she sits. While you start taking some eggs and bacon, and begin preparing a bread with strawberry jam and one with butter and honey, your mother makes some idle conversation with Sophie. Sophie also mentions that your father had to leave early to attend a business meeting with Gustav Powderbeard. Upon hearing that name your  mother frowns almost instantly. You remember meeting this guy when you were in the city with your parents. That dwarv is definitely not a person you like. He seemed scary.

"I have to do some of the bookwork later Sophie. Please play with Keira while I am at that," your mother tells your nanny. Then looking at you she adds, "We both will go into town later, sweety." With those words she stands up and leaves towards her office. Sophie starts cleaning the table where your mother sat and waits for you to finish so you can spend the rest of the morning together.


Ways of the Law

3 years ago
I'm not getting a whole lot of sense of the character's personality yet other than the general sense of the Nice and Rich Family background, but I suppose that's intentional some you mentioned wanting to leave a lot to player choice there.

Once you get to your finished draft you'll want to break up the page for dialogue a bit more. There should be a blank line before and after each time anything speaks for better readability and general clarity. I also spotted some apostrophe/possessive goofs sprinkled around this.

All in all it's a pretty decent start, it may have just gone on a bit long for a scene in which not a whole lot happened. Everything established here could be done in about half the length I believe.

It also goes on for a bit, like till the second to last paragraph, before it it establishes this is Actual Fantasy and not just Alternate Reality British. Not saying that's a bad thing, but if you're going with a long intro you might as well use the opportunity to sprinkle in some setting detail that might hook a reader's interest a bit more.

The title itself is pretty intriguing though.

Ways of the Law

3 years ago

Thanks for taking the time of reading this mizal.

Yes the first page is all for the basic background. The rest of the first chapter will be where the reader establishes the main trait of the personality and which way the protagonist will take through the course of the story. It is basically to split it all into the main branches.

I am not great with grammar so I will do a lot more proofreading aver the course of writing this.

Thanks again for all feedback though.