So you ended up where no one ever wants to be. The Netherworld. The Infernal Regions. The Inferno. The Abyss. The Lower World. The Great Pit. Abbadon. Perdition. Tophet. The Abode of the Damned. Eternal Damnation. If you haven't gotten it yet, let me spell it out for you. You're in Hell. You are supposed to spend all of eternity here "atoning" for your sins.

 Yet again... what did you do exactly to deserve this? Could you get out?

 Most of the descriptive information used in this story is from the Divine Comedy. While not actually a "canon" part of the Christian faith, much of what is contained in the epic is used by modern Christians when picturing Hell. For example, this is where the idea that Hell has 9 layers comes from. I also had to make some changes for the sake of the story.

 Submission for Endmaster's Myth and Religion Contest

This is a quiz BTW.

 As a young hunter of the Koyotep tribe, you set out to prove yourself to your community. You'll have to navigate the complexities of your tribe's culture, beliefs and way of life, as well as the harsh conditions of the natural environment. Will you rise to the challenge and become a hero, or will you fail and be left behind?

  While the tribe, characters, and events in the story are fictional, they are loosely based off of real tribes from around 800 B.C.E in Siberia, Russia. This story had a lot of missed potential that I did not have the time to include. I might revisit it someday.

 Submission for EndMaster's Prompt Contest 2 

Prompt: A story set in the ancient world. This means anytime before the fall of the Roman Empire. And yes, if you don't want to strictly be historical, you can fill it with Atlantean technology or whatever.

You are a young man from Norway at the end of the Viking age. What will you do?

 for Endmaster's Prompt Contest 3

The last of your kind prompt for endmaster prompt contest.

This is strictly for bodystealing purposes. If I enter a contest and ever have to grind out a pile of shit in less than a day I can use this.

You are a young man from Norway near the end of the Viking age. What will you do?

Now with religious choices, side characters, and more detailed pathways!

This is an updated version of the story I submitted for Endmaster's Prompt Contest.

Just un-check the box allowing sneak previews and never publish it. I don't think that will stop the mods from reading it, but the average CYS peasant won't be able to see anything except the title.

Works for me

I'll step into the arena again if we feel the need for another fight before August. My schedule becomes a bit more full after that but either way I'm sure I'll find some time.

Congrats Sherbet!

Story B

I found story A to be lacking. Both were very well written, but story B caught my attention longer. It left me on the cliffhanger with some actual tension. I did like the use of backstory and dialogue in story A, but it didn't do enough.

Actually in the script itself, being gay IS the punishment 

20 For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, 21 because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened. 22 Professing to be wise, they became fools, 23 and changed the glory of the incorruptible God into an image made like corruptible man—and birds and four-footed animals and creeping things.

24 Therefore God also gave them up to uncleanness, in the lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their bodies among themselves, 25 who exchanged the truth of God for the lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen.

 For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature. 27 Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due.

Gayness, according to Paul in his letter to the romans, is a punishment for aknowledging God but not worshipping him.

Comments featured so far: 1

Lord of The Rings: The Sundered Kingdom Commended 7/14/24
 

Boy, the more recent noobs to stick around have certainly been... something.

At least the forums are more active again!

Final Rating: 5/8
Initial comment: Give me a moment, the format you chose to write this in fucked up my eyes a bit.

Overall, you did some good writing here. The buildup was pretty solid. I am a sucker for some good atmosphere, and you did that pretty well. The grammar was solid in the spelling department at least. This story is nothing to scoff at. Effort was clearly put into it.

That being said...

The first thing I'll point out is the format. Holy fuck. If you didn't know, there's a special key on your keyboard labeled ENTER. This is the case for almost all keyboards worldwide. QWERTY, AZERTY, QZERTY, eurKEY, Squirty, whatever the fuck you're using, I'm sure there's an ENTER key. It should be on the right-hand side of your keyboard. It does

this!

WOW!

It's a miracle of modern writing!
You can even combine it with your shift key to make smaller line spacing like this, but why would you do that? Looking at it closer now, I think this might be what you did. If it is, why? It makes the story so much harder to read! If it's a carryover from copy-pasting it to this site, why not fix it? I hate it. It hurts my eyes to read. It makes everything look more sloppy.

The second issue is all the repetitiveness. Like Dire pointed out, so many sentences start with the same thing. 'I did this' or 'I heard that'. In a writing flow I understand if you don't catch it at first, but always check back and read what you write. You would catch half of those by going through it and thinking "Eww, why do all my sentences start with this?". It broke my immersion while reading. Watch out for things like that in the future.

The next thing I wanted to talk about was the grammar. The spelling was consistently correct, though there are some spots where words aren't separated by spaces. One misspelling I did see was the word 'lapping'. Your punctuation needs some work. A lot of writers, especially me, have issues with overusing commas when you could just use periods to complete the thought and start a new sentence. It's a hard habit to break. Sadly, a runon sentence with too many commas is still just a runon sentence. Adding pauses and not full stops just disguises it a bit. There are also sentences that needed commas but don't have them. You also seem to have a habit of using semicolons where you should put periods. There are a few words throughout that use unneeded capitalization. Some can be waved off as flavor to emphasize dialogue, others cannot. You did also use the wrong form of 'to' in some spots.

As for the wording and plot itself, you did pretty good there too. Like I said, I am an absolute sucker for atmosphere. Some things were a tad repetitive, but overall pretty solid. I liked the use of the word 'slake'. I hadn't heard it before, so thanks for a new potential word of the day challenge. It was slipped in pretty naturally too. The plot was a bit weak without the heavy atmosphere. The premise was there. It does hit that proper horror vibe you were going for, but something just brings me out of it while reading. I can't quite figure out what it is.

There is definitely potential here. I look forward to seeing any future writing from you.

Congrats Ravenic. Good luck against Wizzy.