hetero_malk, The Capybaliph

Member Since

3/14/2020

Last Activity

3/28/2025 2:46 AM

EXP Points

7,042

Post Count

787

Storygame Count

5

Duel Stats

3 wins / 6 losses

Order

Marauder Exemplar

Commendations

313

Hey, I'm Malk. I've been around for a while. Like, more than a decade.  I'm into ancient and medieval history, especially the social and religious kind. Here are some quotes about me: 

"In normal times a mad man like Malk would have been hanged for his crimes. However in this time of darkness mad men can reach positions of great power" - EndMaster 

"Malk probably wrote this whole fucking story while his pasty unhealthy ass was shitting on the fucking toilet. He should be the poster child that the Ugandan preachers point to when they’re preaching to their population of 'Do not eat the poo poo.'

I’m fucking serious, that’s like ALL he fucking talks about at the secret villain lair. That he’s going to shit, how he’s going to shit, what it felt like to shit and when he’s going to be shitting next.

Fuck bran muffins, this guy is eating raw fucking twine if he’s shitting this much." - EndMaster

"Wtf is this gay shit" - Fuck u 

Joined: 7/18/2014

A list of my achievements: 

Achievement Unlocked: Questionable Parentage (10)

 Achievement Unlocked: Not Mine (-10)

Achievement Unlocked: Uganda’s Most Wanted (60)

Achievement Unlocked: Begging For The Abyss (-300) 

Achievement Unlocked: Lord of the Edge (200) 

Achievement Unlocked: 1st Black Crusade (200)

I am also a site admin for some baffling reason. Do let me know if you see spam or bot activity that needs to be nuked. 

 

Trophies Earned

Earning 100 Points Earning 500 Points Earning 1,000 Points Earning 2,000 Points Earning 5,000 Points You're an inspiration to Capybaras everywhere. Also your writing’s better than ever. Not only just an inspiration to capybaras, but humans as well. Standard-bearer. For winning the 2021 Edgelord 2 Contest Having 3 Storygame(s) Featured Given by BerkaZerka on 02/27/2021 - Magnificent Modding In The Face of Retarded Fury Given by EndMaster on 03/09/2021 - For rising above and beyond your humble beginnings Given by Gower on 09/01/2024 - You deserved this years ago. Given by Mizal on 05/14/2024 - For the Capybaliphate's many contributions to the site and community. (but mostly the monkeys) Given by ninjapitka on 12/29/2022 - A tribute to your raw talent we all envy

Storygames

Featured Story A Prayer for Destruction

Entry into EndMaster's 2024 Prompt Contest! 

The Faceless Knights uphold divine law, crushing mutation and degeneracy whenever they encounter it. When the young lord of a recently-conquered territory calls for a true servant of God, you must answer. 

This game has a sequel.


CYBERMONKEY

A short, silly, high-octane ride through a cyberpunk future where your bullets are few, your friends are fewer, and the long tentacles of the law are slithering up your pant legs. 

I am aware that technically, writing a sentence in all capital letters is gramatically incorrect. I did this on purpose, several times, for stylistic effect. If you point this out in the reviews, a team of hit-apes will kick in your door. 


Featured Story The End of Creation

Winner of EndMaster's 2024 Crisis Contest! 

This is a sequel to A Prayer for Destruction. It is highly recommended that you read that work before beginning this one.

The North, that frozen-over land of fanatics and heathens, has suffered a great and mysterious calamity. The Sultan bids you raise your banners and ride in his name to investigate.


WARCHIMP
HIGH OCTANE ALL CAPS PRIMATE MADNESS From the creator of CYBERMONKEY, the genre defining cult classic that got the author EXCOMMUNICATED from the IFDB! Entered into EndMaster's 2021 Manifest Destiny contest in the last moments before the bombs fell.

Featured Story Winter, After the Harvest

Winner of EndMaster's 2020-2021 Grimdark Contest!

Take the role of Lord Winter, an aspiring sorcerer and the scion of a noble line that has fallen into obscurity. 

Contains scenes of intense gore, brutality, and sexual violence. 

Cover art by the talented MadHattersDaughter.


A Man Flayed
unpublished

APEPROPHECY
unpublished

"Death is struck and nature quaking;
All creation is awaking,
To its Judge an answer making.
Lo, the book, exactly worded,
Wherein all hath been recorded;
Thence shall judgment be awarded.
When the Judge His seat attaineth,
And each hidden deed arraigneth,
Nothing unavenged remaineth."

-- Dies Irae

Ultimately, the fate of life is to destroy itself.


Brothers of the Breaking Dawn
unpublished


Slayer of Men
unpublished


Spear of Flint, Sword of Bronze
unpublished

Strange Occurrences in my Family
unpublished

Note: This was adapted with express permission from a friend's "Creative Nonfiction" project for ENG223: Journalism in the 21st Century at Toronto Metropolitan University. Footnotes added by me to add clarity when needed. 


The Blood-Slicked Path
unpublished

Turd Midas
unpublished

this is so fucking stupid


Recent Posts

Do men hate reading? on 3/26/2025 4:36:34 PM

Your friends and brother are retarded lol 


TSR Comics: Comics with a free game inside! on 3/24/2025 12:37:36 PM

TSR having a double meaning will always make me smile 


The Iliad Book Club, Thread 2, Book 6 on 3/23/2025 11:59:05 PM

Hello friends, 

These past two weeks, we have encountered some of the best storytelling that world literature has to offer. In particular, we get a really fascinating example of an idealized  version of the ritual and formal relationship between host and guest, which was of paramount importance in the ancient Greek world. Additionally, we get some really fantastic characterization of Hector and his family. The whole chapter has a really gloomy, kind of fatalistic vibe to it. Great stuff. Thanks Homer. 

Here's our questions. As always, answer some none or all. 

On page 135-136, there is an interesting exchange between the two royal brothers on what to do with a defeated Trojan soldier. What do their attitudes signify? Why might one of them be more in favour of massacring the defenceless than the others? 

Diomedes, who last book wounded two Olympians, insists on page 138 that he has no quarrel with the deathless gods, just in case the warrior he is encountering on the field is secretly a god. What does that tell us about that most important of heroic virtues, prudence? 

In Glaucus’ lengthy spiel, we see how the great deeds of the generations gone by seem more impressive than the heroes of today, through the discussion of Bellerophon. Do you think that is the case? Are many heroes of the Iliad less impressive than their pedigree? 

From page 150-151, Hector gives voice to the sense of doom and futility that pervades all of the verses that discuss life inside the walls of Troy.  What does it mean that Hector expects his wife to be raped and enslaved, and his home destroyed? 

During the scene with Hector and Andromache, Hector is forced to remove his helmet, as it frightens the infant Scamandrius. He then expresses his desire for his son to kill an enemy and bring his bloodsoaked armour back to the city. Is this a proper wish for one’s infant son, or is Hector’s deep investment in the heroic ideal of brutal plundering and war meant to read as tragic? 

Congratulations everyone who has been keeping up, you're officially 25% of the way through! Nice. 


Do men hate reading? on 3/22/2025 2:44:57 PM

The median book published now is booktok / romantasy gooner slop, which might literally be worse than not reading. 

In any case, most men consume short form video content that's designed to turn you into schizo Hitler for fifteen hours a day. Not much room in there for reading. 


The Iliad Book Club, Book 5 on 3/20/2025 10:41:33 AM

Wow. I didn't know that. I just - you're telling me that now for the first time. 


The Iliad Book Club, Book 5 on 3/12/2025 11:13:16 PM

I think Ares is "human" insofar as he has an appetite for blood; Neal makes the case that appetites for food and drink are generally not predicated of the gods in the Iliad, which seems to mark him as slightly more anthropomorphic. 


The Iliad Book Club, Book 5 on 3/9/2025 8:39:11 PM

Hello friends, 

We've now completed five books of the Iliad. Slowly, surely, we are making our way through. Sorry for this buzzer beater discussion post, but I'm incredibly busy this month. Accordingly, this discussion post is going to be an abbreviated one; I need to study and work. 

This book features two instances of a mortal man wounding a deity. Zoe Stamatopoulu argues that this is how Homer constructs the idea of a heroic generation; Diomedes is, essentially, representative of the larger-than-life capabilities of his generation. Check out the article if you're interested: https://www.jstor.org/stable/26572880.

This week, I also have an article to offer by Tamara Neal about the poetic use of bloodshed in the poem. Give it a read: https://doi.org/10.1086/505669.  I'll draw your attention to p.28, where Neal writes: 

"Ares, however, is an exception to the convention that the gods have no
desire for 'nourishment.'  He is said, explicitly, to have an appetite; for
instance, he is formulaically described as “insatiate of war” 

This book, we also see more from the god Ares. Homer depicts him as basically despised by everyone: gods and men. What do you think of that? Is there a sense in which he is the most "human" of the Olympians? 

 


BEASTMANCER: Game 1 on 2/23/2025 7:43:26 PM

Pasha Malk, who has been missing for what feels like days, bursts out of his eight wheel luxury carriage pulled by an entire camel train. Behind him are two eunuchs, visibly struggling to contain a beast that is writhing kicking from under a velvet curtain.

"My friends, I have assembled this creature according to ancient texts so blasphemous that they are proscribed by the wise masters of the Turd Council. I must apologize for my lateness: I had to receive special dispensation from the Porcelain Throne just to assemble this beast. It is a creature of the night that sups on human blood, its very existence is an object of study by the Time Wizards of Chronomatica, and by Allah, it smells fucking terrible. May I present the.... 

SHIT NOSFERATU THAT INHABITS THE INCOMPREHENSIBLE TINDALOS CORNERS OF TIME.

At a signal, the sackless warriors unveil the monster. One of them produces a pink parasol that he uses to shield it from the sun. 

"It is, as the name suggests, a  dreadful vampire made of poop.  A cunning observer will also notice that geometry seems to fail in the creatures presence:  it has an aura of Non-Euclidean Poop Math, sure to confound and torment any heroes who attempt to slay it. Of course, the Tindalos Corners of Time have no sunlight, so the creature can be slain easily by solar radiation: however, as this is meant to guard a dungeon lair, that is of no concern. Please take it. I really don't want to have to put it back in the carriage." 

Meterial, creature, suffix. 


The Iliad Book Club, Book 4 on 2/23/2025 7:26:51 PM

Hello friends, 

We've now read four books of the Iliad. This is where the carnage begins. Lots of good stuff in this chapter: battle, bickering gods, Agamemnon being mogged by his subordinates, getting speared in the head so hard the spear fully penetrates your skull, etc. 

I'd also like to draw your attention to the work of poetry Memorial, by classicist and poet Alice Oswald. It is, essentially, an extrapolation of the common Homeric trope of eulogizing a character who has just been killed. As you've now seen, when someone is slain, there is often a brief discourse about their biography and ancestry. Which minor character who gets instantly eulogized is your favorite, this chapter? 

Here, we see again another instance of the gods intervening. To keep the war going, Athena influences the "mindless mind" of Pandarus (133), telling him to take the shot against Menelaus. Hilariously, she also deflects the arrow away from his vital organs. Are concepts like "agency" and "free will" operative here?

Emily Wilson's style has been called conversational, casual, and plainspoken. How does that affect your reading experience? Are there any particular lines that are un-flowery that struck you as particularly moving? Did any feel jarring or out of place? 

There is an exchange where Agamemnon scolds Odysseus for not being yet mobilized, and then walks back his comments almost immediately. Who has the right of it? Is the audience meant to take a side in their dispute, or is this a matter of intentional ambiguity? Is Agamemmnon a diplomatic leader for not wanting to "scold or blame [Odysseus]" (477) or is he, in fact, a little bitch? 

There are several instances in this book of people fighting over the arms and armour of deceased warriors. What might that tell you about the political economy of the elite landowning warrior classes being depicted? How does plunder factor into their understanding of manhood, glory, and martial prowess? 

As always, the questions are just a starting point. Answer some, none, or all. Keep an eye on Diomedes, who will be centrally important in Book 5 (and badass). 


Hello, New Sports! on 2/16/2025 2:25:30 AM

Welcome! Writing a good CYOA is the same as doing any good writing: read a bunch, imitate what works, and create a novel style from your inspirations.