Player Comments on A Bird in a Cage

REVIEW: A BIRD IN A CAGE (posted already in secret santa thread)
So this is good. This story is good enough that I can criticize it at a higher level, and be really nitpicky about some things, because I know the story & its author are good enough to make use of it.

= Spoilers below =

PLOT:
Servicable. There are bones I could pick about the details, but it’s ultimately just a framework for the much more important…

CHARACTER ARC:
…which is good. In the first branch of the story, you present a compelling and well-structured character arc for Ethan, and shows how he either succeeds or fails to turn his life around, and what the consequences of that are for everyone. Overall, it seemed like you really had a story you wanted to tell about redemption and penance and the cycle of revenge, and your investment in the story definitely came through. I have no criticism of what you were trying to do.
The execution of that goal was much more varied. Two big ways to address that jump out to me:
!) There were a number of places where otherwise good character beats & emotional moments fell flat due to inefficient & klunky language. Working on your wording will make your story moments much more powerful.
!) The two epilogues in the first branch compliment each other nicely. The second branch felt really unfocused compared to the first. There were places where I could tease out what you might have been doing, but it wasn’t clear, and left the endings feeling muddled. I suggest either cutting the 2nd branch and investing more in the first, or developing an equally compelling character trajectory for the second path.
!) A redemption arc is always very ambitious, and especially difficult to do in such a small wordcount and time span. I’m cutting the story a lot of slack on that basis—there are elements of this story that are unavoidably weak just because you’re trying to portray a change of heart in a short timespan. These are nuanced and interesting concepts, and if they compell you, it might be worth exploring them in a story that gives you more room to do then justice.
You also get a lot of slack because A) Ethan is 16, and clearly became a killer due to past trauma and a horrible living situation. 16 year olds do a lot of stupid things, and also can much more believably change their ways. B) A lot of Ethan’s evil acts are implied to have been caused by his use of the Molari. Without both these mitigating factors, his transformation would have been much too fast to be believable.
The use of the Molari as a corrupting influence fundamentally changes the nature of the character arc in some complicated and interesting ways. I was wary of this at first, but think the story handled it pretty well. Ethan isn’t treated as permanently tainted for actions he took while not in his right mind, but neither is he let off the hook for the things he did, in some capacity, choose to do.
Serina’s character arc about forgiveness & to what extent people can be held responsible for their circumstances was also a nice parallel. That was handled well.

WORLDBUILDING:
Easily the story’s greatest strength. There are a lot of really interesting things going on here. The magic system is intriguing, the implication of a web of deities, the sparrows and whatever the hell they have going on, the criminal underground network that Ethan moves within. It’s all interesting stuff, but none of it has the space to be fully developed in the short span of this story. I suspect a story of this length would have been better off picking one or two of these elements and focusing on developing them. In particular, for the impact the Molari had on the plot, it felt really underdeveloped. As is, this feels more like the first episode of a much longer story set in this world.
The authority magic system as a whole is particularly interesting. I’d like to see more stories written with characters using this magic.

LANGUAGE:
I’ve talked about most of this in the notes, so I won’t go on about it. There are a number of typos & grammer errors; otherwise the phrasing is always adequate, and occasionally excellent. It’s often wordier than necessary, dwells on subjects longer than needed, and indirect language increases the narrative distance between reader & narrator. This undercuts the story’s tense & emotional moments that would otherwise be quite powerful. On the whole, this is something that you can fix with a little attention and practice.

MISC:
This story made some really interesting choreography & scene location choices. The fight scenes were cool. Scenes set on rooftops are always evocative. And so on. The story consistently staged its events in compelling ways. Just wanted to compliment that. It’s particularly useful in screenwriting if you’ve ever considered that.

Reading notes:
= The first sentence really needs a comma or something because I thought “window shattering murders” meant this was going to be a story about a mad defenestrating serial killer. (Which now that I think about it sounds really cool.)
= Already I think you’re being too descriptive & technical in your fight scenes. (I do this too, which is why I try to avoid writing fight scenes.) A common pitfall a lot of us fall into is caring too much about the choreography of a fight scene, such as location in the room, relative position of the characters’ limbs and weapons, and events happening in a defined sequence. All this is important in a filmed work, but in a written story, high-impact description & relevance to the character is more important than technical accuracy. Without the spectacle of a filmed fight, the technical accuracy gets ignored and actually comes across as rather dull. (You can find some good articles on fixing this online; I won’t give any specific advice since as I said I do this too.)
= More broadly, I think it was a mistake to start this story with a fight scene. Again, this is something that works really well in filmed works due to the spectacle of it (and acting choices), but falls flat in prose because we don’t care at all about the characters yet. I don’t know who these people are and I don’t care what happens to them—my inclination is just to skim past the action to the meatier character stuff so I can find out why any of this matters.
= I do really like your use of “they fail” and “trivial” on one line. Gives a good window into the character’s voice, since it comes across as the narrator’s commentary. And it really makes the lines jump out compared to the rest of the description.
= You’re applying a lot of indirect modifiers to the narrator’s actions. Ex, “You feel the hot blood…” “the sound of steel clattering fills your ears” “causing his bones to break under you”. This adds distance between the reader & the action, and you can usually have a much stronger impact by removing the reference to the narrator. Ie, “The hot blood sprays across your face” “His bones break”.
= On a similar note, there’s a bit too much indirection to the first scene narration in general. Adverbs like “hardly” and “instantly” clutter up the reading experience rather than having the intended effect. Linking sentences with chains like “as” “causing” “as if” and semicolons further slows down the pace; you’d be better off with short punchy sentences and worrying less about walking the reader through the causal chain of action.
= Though I don’t want to give the impression this is a bad scene! This is just my opinion, and I freely admit I tend to have less tolerance for imperfections in prose fight scenes than most. Also I’m able to give a lot of specific advice because there’s a lot being done well. The descriptive details and characterization are great; you just need to make sure you’re getting the most out of them.
= Though if this narrator doesn’t have some kind of magical martial arts powers, I find his agility unrealistic. Also, portraying a character the reader isn’t attached to as a badass fighter in his opening scene isn’t actually that effective for building reader attachment. But this might not be a problem, depending on where you’re going with this story. EDIT: This isn’t a problem for this story.
= “A cheap imitation of a real throne, just like his cheap imitation of real power.” Good detail, doesn’t need to be spelled out like that. Just have the narrator notice the cheapness of the gaudy throne in disgust, and the reader will put the implication together themselves. Like the last sentence though.
= I like “faintly bumping into each other like people in crowded streets.”
= Another example of indirection & wordiness: “Her face knots up into a snarl, and the air around her begins to warp and twist, her authority bending the world around her.” Can be shorter & punchier: “Her face knots into a snarl. She asserts her authority, and the air warps and twists.” Clauses like “begins to” do nothing but clutter the narration & add distance. Another example: “You let her continue, standing still, until finally she releases her technique.” Can be something like: “You let her continue.” Another: “It makes you feel truly free….” Is stronger if you can remove “it makes you feel”, and instead put the reader directly into that feeling. You get the idea. I’ll stop pointing most of this wording stuff out.
= I like the way you’re bolding magical phrases. I also really like “authority” as a type of magic, it says a lot about how magic works in this world.
= Bird symbolism, cool. It’s a bit forced at times, and doesn’t seem to have any parallel to the plot.
= I like your parasite metaphor, but you can’t mix & match with ouroboros. Those are entirely different things.
= Happy daydreaming about summer in the north doesn’t really make sense as “plaguing” the narrator.
= Oh, here’s a great example of you doing the indirection thing right: “No limits this time, as much as you can take. Consequences be damned.” This is great, it puts us right in the narrator’s head.
= I like the “enough” not having authority behind it.
= It’s often a good idea to reveal worldbuilding details slowly & as necessary, and overall you’re doing this very well, but I think you’re being a little too tight-lipped about what proper nouns like Molari, Evelynn, and red sparrow mean. You’ve left enough hints that I can guess for most of them, but just a little more clarity would mean I don’t have to be puzzling about this while also trying to follow the plot.
= “It feels like a burden has been placed on your very spirit, like shackles for your soul.” Good concept; can you get it across less directly & in less words? Ie, “It shackles your very soul.” I dunno.
= I like the timing with which you reveal Ethan and Angela’s names.
= I usually dislike it when a character’s evil deeds are caused by some outside influence that can be cleansed magically, but I really like what you’re doing with that premise here. By this point I’m invested in the story, want to see where it goes, and would continue reading even if I didn’t have to write a review.
= Bro what this guy is sixteen??? I was thinking at least mid twenties.
= Interesting contempt for the bard’s composition. There’s a character thread of contempt for illusions of grandeur.
= Ok I’d like to see the inevitable angsting & hallucinations in the tavern prompted by a bit more than just going to bed and being alone with your thoughts. That can work, but it didn’t have the buildup necessary. As things are, I think this would be stronger grounding it in Ethan’s perception of the world. For instance seeing something in the tavern that reminds him of his actions/beliefs and having a reaction to that. The material here is good, I just think you’re capable of delivering it more skillfully.
= This is another case where I understand the need to deliver backstory slowly, but I think you’re delivering it a little too slowly. I don’t really know what Ethan’s motives for mage murder were, and it’s undercutting my ability to appreciate his emotional conflict.
= I like the acknowledgment that moving on doesn’t always mean letting go of anger.
= Unfortunately I don’t understand enough about this universe to get why Ethan is joining the church. Is this a good thing? Why? I have no idea.
= Ethan’s transformation here just feels too fast and too easy. People just don’t give up intense beliefs that easily, and when they do it’s followed by a complicated process of unlearning a bit at a time. That said, I’m not sure what you could have done differently in a story of this length while also tying up the story satisfyingly. Ending on a trajtectory for future change could feel more realistic, but at the cost of being less satisfying. And since this was a magical corruption, and the narrator is 16, what actually does happen is somewhat more realistic. I don’t know whether or not this is a problem with the story, or just a personal nitpick.
= THEY’RE CUTTING HIS ARM OFF?? Bro what??
= I… have no idea how to feel about this path. On the one hand, I think it’s an excellent use of the branching format to show how a person seeking redemption can end up so deep in shame that they devolve into unhelpful self-flagellation, or they’re manipulated by others around them into never standing up for themselves, in a way that ultimately prevents them from healing & self-actualizing. On the other hand, this theme isn’t delivered explicitly and directly the way the themes elsewhere in the story are, so I don’t actually think it was intentional? Conclusion: ???
= I like the use of authority against the dream self.
= Dang Ethan/Nathan/Blackwater/Crow has too many names. This story is only 11k. Can we limit it to one name per 10k?
= Bo is a side character with 1 scene, but he’s got good personality. Also, black crow is redundant.
= Varek is another case where, like the church, he’s interesting, but he’s introduced too late in the story for me to know what to make of this at all.
= I’m not sure why this scene is the epilogue—it seems like a fairly ordinary tactical conversation that doesn’t actually resolve anything.
= Hah, I like the detail of the mark burning through the cloth.
= Lol, ‘they belong in your chest’.
= I do like the bomb showing up in multiple plotlines. Threading things together always helps.
= While I do think this could be sharpened into a better climactic moment, I think Ethan’s change of heart here when confronted with Drusk’s plan to kill civilians is still a lot stronger than the dream sequence in the tavern. It directly relates to the plot & it’s clear why this is important now. And I still like your use of very short impactful paragraphs. And I also like the narrator wandering the streets aimlessly, good detail. This is a much stronger sequence than on the other path.
= I could certainly nitpick the technical details of Dursk’s bomb plan & Ethan’s subsequent attempts to stop it, but this is all flexibly, and trivial compared to the impact on Ethan’s arc, which is working pretty well.
= On a side note, with the amount of people who’ve died already, death feels meaningless in this story. Ethan murdered a bunch of people in the first scene & a bunch of guards just died. It makes caring about Angela’s death & the risk to a city block harder. Reducing the number of meaningless side characters who die will make the moments where other people’s lives are threatened more impactful through contrast.
= Hah, I like the reuse of ‘trivial’.
= Reached the “bird in a cage” epilogue. This is clearly the strongest branch in the story, which the author obviously knows since the story was named after it. This is a strong epilogue. The conversation between the narrator & Serina works well. It’s nuanced without being pat. (Though I interpreted the ‘service’ to Serina as an apprenticeship he will eventually graduate from; it would change my opinion if not.)
= The “to become death” epilogue is also interesting. This is overall just a stronger branch than the other one.
= Okay sorry it’s absurd that a 12 year old kid was running a band of thugs.

CONCLUSION: 5/8. Could be a 6/8 with a deep language edit and cleaning up the execution of the character arc. This is a solid story, and I see great potential for it to be an excellent one.
Personal taste wise, definitely a 6/8. I like anything with a redemption or corruption arc, and this brough enough new concepts & interpretations to the table to keep me invested. This was an enjoyable read, and I would definitely read more about this situation, character, and world.

This was a really interesting idea. I would have liked to know a bit more about the player character (Ethan? Nathan?) before the main storyline occurred, but I really did like the initial scene. I could picture it happening in my head, the fight scene...and then the young mage being killed. And I could definitely relate to the anger of her master, as the mage didn't need to be killed. It probably wouldn't have had the same impact, but I almost wish there'd been the option to spare her, instead of just the thought that it would be easy to. It would have helped me believe in the potential redemption for the player character even more, after all.

I did feel that the three days the player character was given to live passed very quickly. I would have liked the time to go a bit slower, with more choices to either seek a true path to redemption, or to go the other direction and cause as much mayhem as possible before death finally comes to call.

I would also have really liked more detail about the world as a whole. I was immediately curious about how the player-character's abilities fit in with the sparrows, and the other mages who appeared but were given very little detail or backstory. I didn't really know enough about the player character, despite controlling him for the duration of the storygame, to understand his past or his motivations, so his ability to be redeemed felt somewhat cheap when matched to what I knew about him and what he'd done in his past. I also would have liked to know a bit more about Evelynn and how she fit in. She does appear in one of the endings (and maybe another, since I assume she's who the player character tries to kill), but my initial assumption had been that she was no longer a part of the sparrows, given what was said at the start. That assumption appeared to be incorrect.

I definitely did enjoy what I read of this storygame, which is why I've given it a 6 out of 8, but I would have just liked to see...more. More of the world, more of the characters, more of the history. Right now, this just feels like a snapshot into a world that I'm keen to learn more about.

Wow, this was a great short story! I loved it. This was my first time reading one of Ace’s stories, but I thought he nailed it in this short story. If you haven’t read it, be warned that it is exactly as advertised: a simple branching story with no overlap or variables that is short with multiple different endings. It is for sure worth a read, and the whole thing can be read in like 30 minutes or so. I gave it a 6/8, but that was 80% because of how short it was… perhaps I needed to rate it lower, but I enjoyed every bit I read. Please read it, and stood reading this as there are spoilers below.

Fists of all, this was my kind of story. I loved it. Well done! The branching was good with each choice mattering; however, the split was consistent! Things that were happening happened at the same time in every branch and all that changed was where the main character was and how he reacted to everything going on. It was really cool to see the plot unfold logically in so many unique ways/perspectives!

However, there is always room for improvement! I’ll start with the obvious. This was too short! I hope there is a sequel to this game because you created a really interesting world! There wasn’t time to explain it or see all of it, but I love how you revealed bits of information during action without explaining anything! More on that later, for now, just know that it was so short it ended just as o got fully immersed in the world and figured out how everything worked. I enjoyed every branch, but they all ended before I wanted them too.

Okay, more praise I guess, the way you showed us this world rather than told us was excellent! I know how the magic system works (more or less), how people can get corrupted, and a lot of things just from experiencing what happens on the different branches. There was no long exposition and it was fantastic and fun to read.

That being said there were some issues with the grammar. An example is on page “go collect bounty” the sentence in the first paragraph “As you get closer the smell of degeneracy gets worse.” Needs comma after “closer”. These were mostly very minor things that didn’t matter, but it was mostly well written. I didn’t notice too much wrong.

You also used some phrases very repetitively. For example, the main character’s body would shoot a lot… it was used several times on the first page and throughout. Maybe mix it up a bit? Not a huge deal but the more it’s mixed up the more interesting the writing is.

I don’t have much else so I’ll end with two things I noticed that I would change but are more one off specific examples rather than a rule you aren’t following throughout the story.

On page m “bird in a cage” The simile of something being comforting “like having a dagger in your shoe” doesn’t land for me. I’ve never had a dagger in my shoe… maybe it worked for your character, but they aren’t the one reading this. I’d change that to something more relatable to the reader personally. It’s meant to create an image for the reader and well… that just didn’t land at all for me personally.

On page “bird in a cage”. The last line was set apart for emphasis but it’s not a complete sentence. I’d use a dash rather than a separate line. Something like, “ In that moment, with wind at your back and the world at your front—you decide to set your gaze on tomorrow.”

Anyway, I’d give more feedback but there wasn’t much else I would change! If this does have a sequel please let me know I’m interested in this world and story. I loved the character development (even if it happened a little quickly… but the story was short so you expanded it as much as possible) and would want to see how else this character could change and redeem himself. Otherwise, I hope this feedback helps!

While I had in the past rating bombed this storygame (and I still make no apologies for that) I will, for the sake of gaining a potentially featured comment and sheer curiosity give a fair review and rating of this story.

Spoilers below: Read at your own risk.


Pros: To begin with, the first page starts off strong. While some authors (and I myself have been guilty of this) tend to infodump about the setting and protagonist before getting to the meat of the story, Ace thrusts the reader right into the action using powerful imagery. The fight scene is immensely detailed in a way that makes the reader feel as though they are there watching the battle, without dragging on too long and causing interest to wane. Descriptions such as “the shattering of the window murders the otherwise silent night” and “the taste of iron violating your tongue continues all the same” inflict a sense of unease and anticipation upon the reader, setting an emotional mindset that enhances the experience of what comes next. Speaking of, the referring of the opposing mage as a “sparrow” and referring to some unknown person as her “master” who we know isn’t the nobleman who just got beheaded provokes interest in reading on: just who are these sparrows, why would one be willing to fight to the death for someone they’re not serving, and why, just why, is our “hero” hunting people down and killing them? I like this approach rather than the strategy of explanation of who you are and what your goal is that many authors, again myself included, tend to employ. Of course, to pull it off, you need to write the story in such a way that the character’s identity and motivations begin to make sense over time, and when done properly can make a powerful means of character development. More on that below.

The second page continues to impress, with the page starting as a continuation of the same manic energy that we saw on the first, followed by a brief description of the protagonist’s current dire circumstances revolving around a parasitic entity known as the Molari (explaining the protagonist’s magical ability that gives him the power to kill a trained mage) and his hope for the future. The immediate switch to the elusive “master” is well implemented, taking the plot for a sudden swerve without jarring the reader. The gradual shift from the Sparrow Master being infuriated to regretful was subtle, and does allow us a bit of emotional insight into the supporting character, and explains to us why the protagonist is looking for revenge. The magic spell that causes the protagonist to die in three days does a neat job of giving more weight to every choice from here on out, and offers a second dilemma with the “voices” in the back of the protagonist’s mind.

Starting with the Collect the Bounty Path, I admit the interaction between the protagonist and Drusk is well done. In the short time we’ve met him, Drusk is established as opportunistic and observant: two defining character traits that make for a great mob boss. Having to deal with the pressure of him taking advantage of the fact that you’re a dead man walking raises the stakes of making your last few days count, and the money from the job going to the person who helped you after your parents died gives the protagonist a viable explanation for why he isn’t just saying “fuck it” and walking off or cutting Drusk’s head off. Drusk also seems to be intelligent enough to have created reliable safeguards against the protagonist screwing him over, which imparts the sense that these powerful, influential characters (the sparrow, Drusk) are essentially deciding his fate for him. The protagonist clearly feels a sense of powerlessness and frustration, and these plot lines lead the reader to empathize while still giving them a light at the end of the tunnel by helping someone else.

I chose to set the bomb. It was good of Serena to help the protagonist’s foster mother and lie to her about the protagonist’s actions to spare her feelings despite not being required to. It does seem to establish that the Sparrows, whoever they are, are in fact a force for good.

Choosing not to detonate the bomb does lead to an ultimate ending of redemption and peace. Admittedly, he is still not his own person, but to be fair, he seems to have been beholden to this Molari character before, so not much has changed other than for the better. As the name of the prologue is the story’s title, I’m going to go ahead and assume this is the “true” ending.

Going back to the second page, I now make the choice to head to the tavern. The description of the tavern’s inner setting is detailed, and the conversation with your reflection once again establishes the protagonist’s backstory. I liked how the author left the conversation, and the fever dreams the protagonist was having the night before, ambiguous enough that the reader is left to wonder if this is really part of the death spell placed upon him, or simply his conscience reaching out now that Molari is no longer influencing him.

Choosing to accept it… mm. As far as endings go, this was my least favorite. I will say the penance of losing your arm and remaining in a humble station was well deserved, and a creative way to ensure the protagonist wouldn’t relapse back into violence… more on that particular scene below.

Choosing to reject the reflection leads to a type of parallel ending where rather than living in peace and doing good, you are serving evil, consumed by the desire for revenge. Strangely, this is actually my second favorite ending: while you don’t actually experience any character development (even setting off the bomb led to some last minute remorse) you do at least accomplish your goals, grow in power, and it does provide more context as to why Varek sold a group of thugs a highly powerful explosive in the first place.

Cons: So I’m going to start with the small things. There were some minor SPAG issues. While others have described the “righteous furry” one, which I did find comical, there were a few others, although they were few and far between.

On the second page, when describing the Sparrows as them, the word them is in bold. As every other time in the story the bold font is used to describe a spell, that does seem a bit confusing. It may have been better to have the word “them” in that context used in italics.

While most of Ethan’s backstory was explained, not much is explained about exactly what Molari is, despite his apparently heavy influence on the protagonist. It also is shown in the endings that without the influence of Molari, the protagonist is essentially a good person, especially in the “Accept It” route, where it is outright stated. Yet part of the protagonist’s background, as explained in other endings, is that he is seeking revenge due to a Sparrow killing a group of thugs he was leading that had killed somebody and was killed trying to rob someone who is apparently a force for good, and that the protagonist first came under Molari’s influence as the only survivor… therefore he was already a pretty bloodthirsty and immortal character even before the being.

My next issue is with the ending Sin of Wrath. You have had your arm cut off in order to be rendered helpless. You are thankful to the Sparrow Master for rendering you a lowly servant of the light and truth Goddess, and it can be inferred that the woman who killed your gang is at the very least affiliated with the Goddess you serve, as both times we see her she is defending the temple from attack. Yet you pull a complete 180, undo all the character development you went through, and get yourself killed betraying the temple that took you in… all to get revenge for a gang of thugs whose behavior you supposedly felt remorse and personal responsibility for? This was a unsatisfying contradiction.

The last major issue I have… throughout the course of this review I have referred to the main character as the protagonist for one simple reason: in the second page, he is clearly referred to as Ethan, even being marked for death under this name. Yet in the Tavern path, he is referred to as “Nathan.”

This kind of ruins the immersion that the author did such an excellent job crafting at the beginning of the story, and causes me to believe that the entire “tavern” path was likely rushed right before the deadline.

Ultimately, an enjoyable story. Despite the cons, I did in particular enjoy the “A Bird in a Cage” ending, and the thought out events in the story that tend to link together across different playthroughs (Valek and the bomb, the Sparrow we swore revenge on defending the temple, etc.)

Ultimately, I would have seen this as a 5, had it not been for the first name contradiction. Final updated rating is 4/8.

I have to give Ace a hearty congratulations for multiple reasons. Now, this is by no means a masterpiece and could still use a round of invasive proofreading for simple typos, but honestly, who am I to critique for typos. Now, I will say that I was never on the forefront of the anti-Ace coalition, so there may be some with more bias than me, but I was biased enough to come into the story expecting disappointment. What I found instead was an enjoyable story. I encourage people if they like high fantasy action to give it a try. Ace might surprise you this time.

Readers should go into this expecting mainly high-fantasy action with a bit of an introspective bent throughout. The rest of the review will be fraught with SPOILERS.

I'll start this review off with the biggest strength of the story in my eyes. That is worldbuilding. It really did feel like a lot of thought and love went into this setting, and I wouldn't mind if Ace wrote another one and the same setting. He also chose to explain things through demonstration rather than info dump, which is admirable. We didn't need to have the Molari explained to us as their function and alleged alignment were self evident. I would have liked a bit if explanation as to how the Sparrows functioned in the political system, but for a story this short, it would have likely been detrimental.

One negative note about the worldbuilding is that the bird motif did feel unnecessary and, at times, a bit forced.

The action was middling for me. It wasn't quite visceral or poetic, so they weren't my favorite. I would suggest not using the word slice so much, especially for decapitations. Chop, hack, hew, etcetera could have been good alternatives to throw in. I did kind of like the words of power of whatever they were called. I especially liked the one used in the dream when rejecting the admission of guilt. They would have been easy to overuse, but I don't think they were.

Now, I do think that this story was probably weak on the theme, and some of the endings were very dissatisfying as a result. The worst one, in my opinion was the "Sin of Wrath" ending. Most of the other endings suggested that it was the Molari's influence that fueled the evil inside. I understand that the anger was not a result of the Molari's influence, but it seems like someone who allowed their arm to be severed in an attempt at rehabilitation would have learned something. It's really odd and feels inconsistent.

Unfortunately, my second least favorite ending is that "caged bird" ending. I assume that's the canon ending given the title. For one, the protagonist becoming a slave to an older woman at 16 and being okay with it just says "mommy issues" yo me. Additionally, I don't think the character would be willing to give up his freedom to the organization that killed his friends.

The two endings especially don't work together.

The "becoming death" ending to me seems the best ending to the story. I do like the Sparrow's reaction to his act of terrorism, and I think his last minute regret in this particular ending does feel in character and rewarding.

Anyway, with those problems, the story was still very enjoyable. If Ace proofreads, I would even be willing do drop him another point (as much as that matters).

I really like this first sentence: “The sound of the window shattering murders the otherwise silent night, with the shards of broken glass falling like miniature daggers, raining down on the floor below.”

Right from the get go, Ace starts off on a really strong note with this sentence. It evokes some powerful imagery, and I really like the way Ace describes the sound of the window breaking as “murdering the silent night”. When you pair that with “the shards of broken glass falling like daggers”, you get a cohesive and vivid metaphor that sets the right tone. It’s quite exciting, and this sentence really makes me want to keep reading.

I like how Ace alternates between long drawn out sentences and punchy sentences. He has a pretty good grasp on writing rhythm, and the alternating between short and long sentences really suits the action scene he’s writing. It establishes a fast-paced momentum and makes it really fun to read.

I also really like how Ace changes up his pacing, taking care to slow some moments down. In action movies, filmmakers often slow key moments down to place a greater emphasis on them, and I see Ace doing this in a really great way. For instance, this sentence does this: “Time begins to slow for you as you dance between them, glowing daggers slicing the ones in your way apart. You lips part, your laugh echoing the whole time as you dance through the storm of ice.” Despite the entire event taking place within less than a couple of seconds, we get a glimpse of Ethan’s joy for combat, and his almost graceful, elegant method of fighting. This sentence also achieves the same effect, “You feel the hot blood spray across your face out of the first mans mouth as he gurgles his last words. It stains your teeth, the taste of iron violating your tongue, but your laughs continue all the same. “. We feel Ethan’s bloodlust and insanity that also gives the reader a short reprieve from the fast paced action. This is not only effective for the current fight scene, but it also helps give us a glimpse into the character of Ethan, and sets up the moral dilemma he will face as he tries to redeem himself. By alternating between fast paced and slow paced action, Ace really makes the scene pop and stay in the reader’s mind.

The first page is really the most memorable part of this story, it does a truly admirable job of setting up the characters, the world, and just how brutal Ethan is. At the same time, it does feel a little generic, and to elevate this story from “good” to “great”, Ace might try and give us more insight into the character. I do understand that the story starts right in the middle of the action, and for a story that’s smaller in scope, it’s quite effective, but if Ace were to turn this story into a larger epic, he might want to add more characterization in this page. But this is more of a tip rather than a criticism of the story.
The second page makes up for the somewhat sparse characterization in the first page as we learn more about the Molari and Ethan himself. The urban nature of this superpowered individual jumping from rooftop to rooftop reminds me a bit of Ninja’s “Sheol’s Passage and the Fallen”, so I must applaud Ace for his writing, because it was definitely good enough at certain points to the point where I can compare it to Ninja’s work. As a whole, it could be tightened up a bit, but there were some really interesting and striking parts that were a joy to read through.

I really liked the way Ace wrote the scene where the Mage removes the Molari from Ethan’s mind. There’s a great tonal shift in the way he sees the world before and after, and it’s quite an important and pivotal moment in the narrative. He doesn’t suddenly become a new person in the span of a second, rather I like how the process is gradual. We see an internal conflict as Ethan struggles to accept that he was brainwashed. I like how he originally thinks it’s a trick, that the mage is the one who’s trying to control him. I also loved how Ethan is forced to confront his own mortality and powerlessness, that really sets up a great narrative arc for him to explore.

It’s interesting to see how despite him losing his powers, Ethan is still arrogant enough to try and collect bounties simply relying on his reputation and his target’s fear. Of course, it doesn’t work. But the failed blackmailing helps Ethan shed the mind control and redeem himself, deciding to do one last heroic act.

This was the best part in the story, Ace really wrote Ethan’s emotional turmoil quite well. I found it really gripping, and I wanted him to succeed in his mission.

There were 2 paths, where Ethan could choose to carry the bomb or try and stop it. I definitely preferred the path where Ethan tried to stop the bomb altogether. I got the epilogue “Bird in a Cage”, and out of all the endings, this was my favorite. I really like the description of the sunset, and the description of the remorse Ethan felt. I also loved the metaphor of the sunrise, since it symbolizes a new beginning. I thought that was quite apt. I am glad Ethan was able to become a sparrow, and if you were to make this a full-fledged epic, I hope that you would stick with this path.

Overall, Bird in a Cage was an enjoyable and gripping grimdark fantasy story. It’s a bit weak in the characterization, and the quality of writing was inconsistent, but there were large swaths that were awesome. And I really liked Ethan’s redemption arc, it was quite great. I would love to see you take this and expand upon it, I would totally read 100k+ words of this.

Final Rating: 6.5/8

Here is a most treasured thing in the world (a comment) for you :D I like the way you kept The First Page heading as The First Page. Some nice strong imagery on the first page as I badass ninja my way through the guards. The whole fantasy fight scene is good fun and nice use of a big word that I had to check with Google (ouroboros). Bit harsh to say I have a meaty brain. The Sparrow lady is really angry with me and it’s a little excessive of her to give me a terminal illness. If I’ve only got three days left to leave clearly it is wine and orgies time so off to the tavern I go. I can hardly deny that I’m a bad guy, can I? A priest and joining a monastery would not be my personal go-to in this situation but ok. The ending is more or less what I expected.

This was a story that took itself very, very seriously and though there was some good emotional trauma writing it can’t really get away from the fact this is a bad guy getting pretty much what he deserved. I didn’t feel any sympathy for the main character, his virtually deathbed repentance just seemed desperate hypocrisy and no one really seems in the wrong here except me. Still, it was a good idea with some interesting points and some good branching that could perhaps have been taken further. A decent read.

This was very nice. A lovely fantasy game with a lot of action, tough choices and quite a bit of style.

It was a brief ride, but I loved any minute of it. So far I only explored one branch and became Serina's ward, but I think I'll be back for more.

This is certainly one of the shorter games, but I had a really good time with it.

The magic system is interesting, and I'd like to see more of it. The story is a bit short, but the world is well-crafted, and the choices lead to very different, but equally interesting conclusions. At first I was concerned the protagonist was going to be too OP, but swiftly he got his ass kicked, revealing levels of power in this world. That alleviated my initial concern.

It does seem like this is kind of a prologue though, or a single adventure in a series (although I don't see the "Part of a series" tag). Still, it's good. Worth the read.

Overall, a good story with an interesting magic system and world.

7/8- Really enjoyed the story telling on this one. The descriptions were wonderful at helping set the scenes, and made for great characters

Pretty good story!

Ethan's struggle with his own thoughts is a high point in my opinion. The easiest thing to do when you've done something wrong is to convince yourself that you did in fact do the right thing. Ethan dismissing his own conscience as the sparrow's magic felt completely natural. The subsequent realization and acceptance of the truth also hits hard. I thought the protagonist's internal conflict was done really well here.

I am confused as to why he tries to attack the angel (who I'm assuming was the sparrow, the story just refers to the angel as her) in the ending where Ethan is serving as an acolyte in the temple. I feel like it would've been fine ending the story with the "There's nothing lowly about living in the light," quote. The extra page just seemed unnecessary.

Other than that, it was a fun, short read. Nice work!

Sound idea, poor execution.

It’s a very solid premise and there’s obviously a lot of creativity behind the story, but unfortunately it’s somewhat lackluster and unpolished on a technical level. Between the bizarre word choices, sentence structure that makes it hard to immediately understand what’s going on at time and a major pacing issue reading A Bird in a Cage is not the smoothest experience.

Consistency is also an issue with various plot holes throughout the game that seem to step from a certain vision for a scene or plotpoint without much regard on how the story actually gets there. This issue is only amplified by the very rushed pace of the story, which isn’t inherently bad considering the 3-day time limit creating the premise’s backbone, but barely a slice of those 3 is actually utilized which makes the whole thing feel forcefully compressed.

The protagonist is perhaps the biggest victim of this compression as he contradicts his own thoughts within a few paragraphs of each other in a way that can’t really be excusable by his circumstances and outright breaks one of the endings. Other characters aren’t really characters, but with how little time and development they get that at least is understandable.

A Bird in a Cage is a fine display of the author’s creative potential, but also proof that there is still a lot of experience he needs to gain to realize that potential.

Final score: 3/8

Haha. Godly furry. Haha.
Anyway onto the serious part of the comment.
I'm on my way through all these new games, trying to use As Ink as a sort of self-bribe (I love Sherbet's games) and I come upon this, with one 1 rating. So I'm expecting to slog through it, but to my surprise, it was pretty enjoyable for the length. Except that one grammatical error I simply cannot get over- it was so funny and I've got no idea why. 'Godly furry' just in such a serious story, the extra R absolutely sent me into a 5 minute laughing fit.
Other than that, great story, MrAce321. Wish it were longer and a bit more fleshed out, but I enjoyed the world-building.