Player Comments on A Tale of a White Lie

This story really grew on me as it progressed. While the beginning was a bit confusing, I found myself increasingly engaged as the plot developed.

The storyline initially reminded me of an Endmaster-style game, known for in-depth worldbuilding. Although it didn't deliver that right away, the middle and end sections did an excellent job of fleshing out the world. That said, there's still room for improvement. I would have loved to learn more about the rival civilizations - their customs and quirks - to make the world feel more vibrant and alive. For worldbuilding, I'd rate it a 6/8.

The writing was generally strong, with only a few minor grammatical hiccups that didn't significantly detract from the story. It struck a good balance between being descriptive and keeping the plot moving forward. I'd give the writing style a 6/8.

Character-wise, I found the protagonist fascinating. Her descent into corruption was believable, though I wish there had been more internal conflict before her full transformation. This would have made her more relatable. Flynn was well-written, but I wanted more of his backstory. Rodrigo stood out as my second favourite character, with clear and believable motivations for sticking with the protagonist. Overall, I'd rate the cast a 6/8, perhaps even a 6.5 on a good day.

The setting had its strengths, but I felt it could have been more vividly portrayed, especially during battle scenes. More detailed descriptions of the cities under siege would have really brought the conflicts to life. Additionally, I was intrigued by the religious aspects of the world and would have appreciated a deeper exploration of its impact on daily life and customs beyond just conquest. For the vividness of the setting, I'd rate it a 5/8.

The action scenes were good, and I enjoyed the interactive elements that allowed readers to make tactical decisions. However, more insight into the protagonist's strategic thinking would have added depth to these scenes. The story definitely improved as it progressed, culminating in an ending that offered a satisfying array of imaginative options. For interactivity, I'd give it a 7/8.

Overall, this story has a lot going for it, particularly in character development and reader engagement. As it stands, it's a solid read that I'd rate 6 out of 8, with potential to be even better. It's definitely worth picking up if you enjoy morally complex characters and stories of conquest with strategic elements.

Disclaimer: take everything in this review with a grain of salt. I’m not a professional writer nor a seasoned reviewer (yet). And if you haven’t read this story yet, I suggest you do that first, as this review will contain spoilers.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

I like the simple description, as it sets out the theme and matches the title. While it isn’t a part of the story, there is a lot of passive voice in the update. It’s usually best to write in an active voice for clarity and immersion, unless you’re intending to create a specific effect (which I don’t think is the case here). Hopefully this wouldn’t affect the story too much.

The story starts off really well, plunging the reader into the narrative through vivid descriptions of violence and bloodshed. I enjoy how the protagonist’s point-of-view shines through the prose. Amidst all the carnage, there is introspection about the philosophical nature of death—it also foreshadows the protagonist’s familiarity with such situations.

A few nitpicks: the second line is an incomplete sentence fragment, which is grammatically incorrect. You could remove ‘that’ to fix it. As for the first line of dialogue, there is a mention of hands in front of her tightening in prayer, and without much description of that part of the setting, I envisioned disembodied hands floating in front of her. Maybe a brief line about there being a crowd would have helped to make the scene transition less jarring. Lastly, there’s a point in the fourth paragraph where it randomly shifts to past tense.

Worldbuilding details are sprinkled in nicely throughout the dialogue. It reveals the existence of a religion and paints it as the main motivation for genocide. There’s the implication of hypocrisy, too: while they believe there is nothing for those souls after their death, they still carry out the tradition of praying for them.

From the first page, characterization is on point. The protagonist is painted as someone who enjoys the brutality of killing—even as a child—but disguises it as religious zeal. Though I must admit that the first page, the point-of-view is slightly confusing, as I initially believed it was third-person limited (from the small girl’s pov who would later be Ingrid) but we briefly hop into her benefactor’s perspective. Note: I found out it’s written in third-person omniscient as we experience different characters’ inner thoughts.

Overall, it’s a solid start and it kept me invested enough to continue.

WRITING STYLE

I rather enjoyed the way things were described. For instance, the four individuals who “preferred to be clothed by shadows”. The oxymoron ‘beautiful tragedy’ was a nice touch, as I felt it was fitting for the story to come.

Description is filtered through the lens of the protagonist, using a deep point-of-view. Even the part where Ingrid focuses on her appearance fits her characterisation. This was done really well—often in other stories, self-description feels forced as if the reader suddenly realized they need to put a description somewhere, leading to the reader skipping those. But here, it feels natural, as it is a part of the plot and important to the main character.

One of the key issues I identified was tense shifts. Even within the same paragraph, it would change between past and present tense; a problem exacerbated where flashbacks/ recalling memories were present. There were a number of typos too. I was going to make a list as it seems Thara may edit her storygame, but I didn’t want to fill the review with it, so here a few on page 4 and 5:
- “He never showed much emtoion to her in anyhthing he did”
- “She would not allow such a crude thing to transprire with her precious time”
- “Godess”
- “Thier”
- “Adjsust”
- “A knight to save her, or soemoe that didn't know of her apparent importance”
(To the author, let me know if you’d like me to find the other typos if you’re going to edit your storygame).

Regarding commas, there was a slight issue with comma splices and missing commas. Comma splices: “Not a strand of natural silver hair was frayed or out of place, her skin had a healthy gleam” and “The words come from a silky voice, a hooded figure with long black and gray tresses peeking out from the hood asks his question”. You could replace these with either a full stop or a semicolon. As for missing commas, this is the general rule: When new information is added to the middle of a sentence and the sentence still makes sense if you omit it, like these words sandwiched between commas, then you should put a comma before and after that information. E.g. the man, who was almost dead, lay on the ground. In practice:
“Her words, if they can even be called that are a jumbled mess ill-befitting for one that was previously noble” (add a comma after ‘that’) and “The man, Flynn once again chuckles at her own actions, looking amused” (add a comma after ‘Flynn’)

As the author is aware of, some sentences are structured a bit awkwardly (“because often many of the footsteps in this place that made their way to her cell, they usually only had three purposes”) but seeing as I face the same issues sometimes, I’ll just suggest a helpful tip that was given to me in a past comment: read your work aloud when proofreading. It helps you ensure the sentences flow nicely.

CHARACTERS

Throughout the story, there were lots of characters and their stories intertwined within the narrative: Ingrid, Rodrigo and Nadia. This certainly made for an interesting story.

Firstly, let’s talk about the protagonist. I especially like the line: “Because they were after all in the midst of dying and bleeding out from mortal wounds she so often dealt out while crusading for this false chur–”

So far in the story, the protagonist’s thirst for power (and bloodshed) has been characterized, and with the line “but it was all for a just cause” there’s the assumption that she strongly believes in purging heretics for their faith. Yet, this line (with the part about the false church) is rather meaningful when tied to the one about making use of the establishment. It hints at the fact that she doesn’t truly believe in the reasons for killing, but she enjoys torture nonetheless. And not to give away any spoilers, but this is great foreshadowing for what’s to come.

It’s good that the main cast of characters all have their own unique backstories. It explains their motivations, personality and worldview.

The dynamics between Ingrid and Rodrigo are portrayed well. He grapples with complicated emotions: fear, hatred, and in the end, surrender. Yet, his inner conflict shows there’s a part of him that still remembers his humanity. Would it lead him to fight to recover his freedom? Guess we’ll see. To Ingrid, he represents her desire for control and authority. She gets to do whatever she desires to him. She subjects him to inhumane and degrading treatment to remind him of how much power she has over him.

I liked the reluctant friendship between Ingrid and Nadia too. There was a sentence from Nadia’s point of view (“Time was everything to her after all, because she wasn't some monster that could steal it from others”) where she implied Ingrid was a monster, and another which alluded to the fact that she only tolerated her presence out of necessity for their plan. Just like with Rodrigo, Ingrid plays with Nadia as a toy, enjoying the uneven power dynamics.

The flashback was executed amazingly. I admire Thara’s ability to realistically depict complex emotions and inner conflict that arise from specific situations. More on this later. I loved this line: “Even if she were to plunge this very dagger into him, what would stop the monster from rising from his place to screech at her and take his revenge, take her everything away from her again like he has already done?” It shows that revenge doesn’t heal the wounds of the past. It was also interesting that she saw him as a “beast that took and gorged himself on the happiness of others” and later on, she became the very thing she hated. But there was a potential redemption arc at the end—which was well set up, given that Ingrid was first characterized as a sympathetic anti-hero.

Parallels and character foils were employed nicely. Rodrigo saving Ingrid represented mercy; it ties back to the choice in the backstory where Ingrid could choose between killing or sparing the one who had made her suffer, and she chose to kill. Instead, he chose to save her life. This wasn’t done out of ignorance, either. He's very strategic, as following his advice in one of the other scenes prevents a premature death.

Ingrid undergoes a change in perspective as the story proceeds. At first, she views everyone as “beast”, but soon starts to see them as human (especially Rodrigo). The turning point occurred when she hesitated to send him into dangerous territories, choosing to risk another officer instead. Soon, she returns the favor by saving his life.

There’s another parallel with the young archer, Tristan. Ingrid earned his loyalty the same way hers was earned by Flynn. I enjoyed how the start and end of that page showcased different reactions to death. The first one begged for life while the second was ready to die, but ironically, the latter lived.

PLOT

The plot starts off with death, the aftermath of a battle and then a torture scene. These events illustrate the grimdark nature of both the setting and the protagonist. After this, the author delved into the protagonist’s backstory which made her more sympathetic, a nice contrast to the earlier scenes. Then she gets her mission which drives the rest of the plot forward: removing the false religion and instilling a new one.

"Perhaps it wasn’t their fault, most creatures couldn’t help being they what that they were. Leeches needing blood, or a horse needing to substance itself with grass or hay. Humans themselves were creatures that seemed to need sustenance in form of conflict." - The protagonist is rather introspective and has a very interesting perspective. These observations are a great way to characterize her further while establishing the tone for future characters and conflicts in the story.

Now, I must address the branching aspect of this storygame. Yes, the choices may be lacking, but I believe this fits with the nature of the story. It feels like a strategy game, where the reader has to make the right choices to advance the narrative. This fits with the merciless, ‘one wrong choice and you’re done’ atmosphere of the world too.

Speaking of strategy, the story takes place over a long period of time, where one must usurp a throne, claim it for their own, and then protect it from different enemies and threats. This resembles a strategy card game where you get different cards, each with a new situation to respond to, and the outcome depends on your choices. Furthermore, it’s even better given the consistent narrative and character growth.

Maybe it might be worth having a few more choices, though. (Spoilers) E.g. delayed consequences where if you kill Tristan, the story continues but the battle with the Red Sparrow is more difficult and you think about how nice it would be if you had an archer. One thing I'd have liked to see was a common enemy or a buildup to a 'big bad' main villain who puppeteered the rest. This would show how they had to improve and would raise the stakes until the end, as opposed to unconnected events happening through time. Nevertheless, I liked seeing the characters grow closer to one another as they survived more and more obstacles.

The plot twist was very well executed. It captured the feelings of betrayal, shock, lingering trust and anger superbly. Ingrid’s reaction made sense after everything that happened between them. And I had forgotten about the lie in the title until this moment, where the reveal was shocking but also made sense.

I really like the empowering scene where the protagonist defeats him and how even after that, there are feelings of being reduced to a child in his presence. This makes it all much more realistic and gives her some vulnerabilities, especially since she's a mass murderer at this point.

Onto the endings. I enjoyed the different endings being vastly different in tone and content from the rest of the story. This juxtaposition shows her character growth. More than that, it gives the sense that this whole time, she was merely reacting to the events in front of her, and now that she’s no longer in that sort of situation, she is free to choose a more peaceful life. This comes with a world of new possibilities.

It’s nice that the endings all finish with one last white lie.

I’ve never been all that great at the commenting/review thing, but after reading this story, it deserve more than a simple “I liked it a lot.” A few others have given probably more in-depth reviews here, but I’ll try not to repeat what’s already been said.

First I want to say I’ve seen Thara improve a lot over the years when it comes to writing in general. There were short stories here and there which showed promise. Then there was the first major story she did which I thought was good for her first serious attempt even if it had been cut short significantly.

Next came the first proper story The Tale of the Foolish Princess. Of course I also “liked that one a lot.” I actually think that one had slightly more branching than this one, but that doesn’t really matter, I’m talking about this story A Tale of a White Lie which I liked even more.

So the branching would probably be about the only major criticism if one was to judge it from a CYOA standpoint since it’s a fairly structured gauntlet. Two choices, one continues the tale, and the other leads to a premature ending. It’s the simplest style of a CYOA, but then I use it all the time and it seems to have worked out fine.

Now typically whenever an author uses a “looping” ending that’s generally a bad thing, however Thara avoids that by still allowing for the story to end properly (If you wish it, as she would put it) by leaving that link as well. Usually she has an amusing little message in the loop back link, so it’s a good compromise and something she used before with her Princess story.

I enjoyed pretty much everything in the story. It certainly fulfilled the prompt requirement which it was based on. There’s a few more characters of note than just Ingrid, mainly her closest followers. All of them were fine as well since they served their purpose which is what they were there for. The other lands were fleshed out as much as they needed to be.

I liked the main character Ingird which is the most important thing since that’s who you’re playing as. However, there’s certainly a major reason for me liking her a lot and it’s mainly due to Ingrid reminding me a little bit of the Eternal. Or rather she reminded me of if the Eternal and Mistress had a daughter together and she got raised by the Shadow order (What a combo).

Ingrid had the dedication to her cause mixed with the sadistic streak and the religious zealotry which had a twist similar (But not the same) as the Shadows following Dendrin. The “lie” also reminded me of the Eternal’s true origin too. Again, a different lie, but one that also ended up changing the entire land’s power structure.

Besides Eternal, the story also reminded me a little of Necromancer in a couple places due to Ingrid’s drive to complete her conquests despite knowing the lie. There’s even a few endings where she can decide to opt out of completing her mission even being so close to ending it, (Or already accomplished it) which also happens in Necromancer. Of course I feel much like in Necromancer, the proper ending is her completing her mission.

If it seems like I’m praising this story because it reminds me of one of my own, that wouldn’t be a completely inaccurate assessment. I know what I like and this shows Thara was paying attention all these years.

But I’m not just giving the author head pats and telling her she’s a good girl, since I’ve seen others try to emulate something I’ve written and completely fucking failed at it. She succeeded and it still has her own unique style.

I’m proud of you and look forward to other stories you may write in the future.

A Tale of a White Lie

Disclaimer: the review you are about to read contains spoilers involving the story and characters. Also, keep in mind everyone has their own opinion, and my views on the story may be different from other potential readers.

NOTES: Coming back to this story for a second, more in depth readthrough after finishing The Tale of the Foolish Princess for probably the fiftieth time was an extremely rewarding experience. I was enthralled throughout the entire story.

Speaking of TTotFP, I noticed that the elegant ‘upper class’ phrasing and elegant sentence structure that made that story so compelling was used here as well. Being a member of nobility who strikes out in their own and goes on a path of conquest was also a familiar plot hook. This does an excellent job of capturing what made that story successful while the original plot allowing this story to set itself apart and stand out.

From the onset, it’s made apparent that your protagonist is in some kind of holy order, and that they are most certainly a psychopath of some kind. The reader is able to quickly surmise that there is some kind of religious crusade going on here, and it generates interest into what relationship the protagonist and this religion have. It also begs the question as to what kind of religion this even is, seeing as how the protagonist is clearly immoral, between their BDSM/torture of a slave, and their zealous glee at killing civilians.

What I am impressed about, however, is that while some stories, yes mine included, do a poor job of weaving together an engaging story, this one intrigues and captivates the reader, making them want to know more about the protagonist’s motivations and watching on the edge of their seat to see what comes next. From the very first page, the tone of the story is set, and each scene stands out in and of itself while being woven into a glorious tapestry.

The immediate scene shifts during dramatic moments was done excellently. When Ingrid and Nadia are making plans for example, only for the scene to shift to Ingrid in her younger years before she joined the church, did fantastically at keeping the reader in suspense, while providing valuable background information that immediately asserts a contrast between the protagonist then vs now, and also gives a very excellent explanation for how she ended up with her current mindset. More on this in the character section.

Furthermore, I am going to have to say this: while I have a general distaste for character development involving SA, Thara has a mastery for it that I have never seen in any other author on this site. It is made abundantly clear in the flashback that Ingrid is being used for the sexual gratification of the Baron who killed her family, and it is reflected in the way she treats her own servant, Ricardo. In fact, her sadism and desire for control could be classified as severe symptoms of PTSD. But this is done in such a way as to develop her character and the overall story meaningfully without being overly explicit, whereas every other author I’ve seen has never expanded on it.

For instance, Steve, with the character Mary in the story Saoirse, had a chance to show the reader how the sister of his protagonist changed as a person after being assaulted and have her assailant’s child, but it never really contributed to the plot outside of brief conversation. EndMaster, who is statistically (and in my personal opinion) the best author on this site, had a couple of chances to seize on this in Eternal, with Francis being raped by Semra, or the girl he saves if you go the ‘Shadow’ route, but he ultimately lets it fizzle out with little to no changes in the demeanor of the protagonist or impact on the overall story. This literary plot hook is one area in which Thara significantly and indisputably surpasses everyone.



CHARACTERS: I do like how Ingrid seems to be the complete opposite of Sophia Nevermore. While the ‘Foolish Princess’ in the last story was a naive girl who kept her moral compass even as traumatic events occurred, but became more hardened. Ingrid has allowed the trauma of her youth to turn her into a violent psychopath, but begins to develop feelings and empathy as time goes on. This creates some distinction between the stories and the way they interact with the supporting cast, who are themselves both similar, yet different to the previous story’s characters.

Ingrid: this main character is actually a rather curious individual. She’s willing to slaughter people for her church, yet she enjoys making her fellow believers uncomfortable and lying to her elders. Between this, and small statements she makes throughout the story, it does a good job with making you wonder if she is in fact actually beholden to the church she is a part of, or if she is just using them in order to sate her bloodlust. Eventually, the comment of referring to their holy order as a “false church,” and the church itself being in service to a god when Ingrid is clearly worshipping a goddess, serves as excellent foreshadowing to her true loyalties. Another excellent tool that Thara has excellently implemented in the past.

Flynn: Honestly, he wasn’t very engaging for me. I do admit that he serves as a decent catalyst for the events of the story, but what really gets me is the big reveal near the end of the story where the ‘goddess’ he teaches her to worship is in fact one he made up.

And I feel like that is the crux of the issue: why? It’s never explained why he released her, or taught her said religion. He only features in one flashback and in the last few pages of the story. I feel like more character development could have been done with him.

The revelation that he was in fact the one who killed her family after being hired by the Baron who violated her, therefore being responsible for the situation he “saved” her from, was surprising. Although I do feel like it would have been good to at least have an option to kill him. After all, everything you accomplished was founded on a lie, hence the name of the title.



Rodrigo. From the first page, his subservience is depicted as believable. Most stories tend to have the guy who lost his entire family to a killer plot their revenge, but truth be told, there’s just as many people who would be willing to serve said killer in order to survive. Just look at slavery in the 1800s: thousands upon thousands of blacks were beaten, sold, violated, and killed, yet served willingly because it made their lives easier and guaranteed their survival, when they had no life to return to.

Eventually, there is a later reveal as to what kind of people his parents were, and how his sisters were treated. When I read that, it definitely explained why Rodrigo was able to accept his new fate, and stay with Ingrid. Although while it is a disappointment that he didn’t show more grief for his sisters now that he had the freedom to do so, years of slavery, oppression, and killing may have muted such things.

Despite that, however, it is shown that there is still humanity in him despite Ingrid’s ‘obedience training’ that he keeps suppressed, although it does start to show more as the story progresses. I definitely loved the scene where he saves her from the church elders. It would have been completely understandable for him to let her die after everything she’s done, and just got the hell out of there while the battle was still ongoing. The accompanying dialogue shows that he is still capable of emotion, but the emotional and psychological abuse he has received makes it difficult for him to express.

The dynamic between him and Ingrid only continues to grow, as she begins to view him as an actual person and refer to him primarily by his name. Even hesitating to send him on dangerous missions out of concern for his well being. Which is telling, considering his job in the beginning was to stand directly behind her in order to take the brunt of an assassination attempt.

Eventually, he’s able to act more ‘human,’ and the fact that one of the endings involves him and Ingrid making a child together shows how far their dynamic has come.




DRAWBACKS: There were minor grammatical mistakes scattered throughout the story. An few examples that I noticed early on into the story:

“The only negative that could be found is said chocolate finding a way to reside in the outer appearance of her thighs and hips, but, but, young men liked that sort of thing nowadays?”

One but instead of two would make more sense.

“It’s a rhetorical remark that leaves the young man’s master mouth”

The sentence “the young man’s master’s mouth” would be correct. Sounds like a tongue teaser doesn’t it? Some good alternatives would be “the master’s mouth” or “leaves the mouth of the young man’s master.”

"Not at all, because we're all sordid, souls." There shouldn’t be a comma between sordid and souls.

Spelling ‘godess’ instead of ‘goddess.’

And other minor typos and mistakes. These were relatively minor, and easy to overlook. They weren’t jarring to the story, although in the future I would recommend having another member of the site proofread your story. Maybe Mizal or Mystic.

There is also the scene where Ingrid announces herself as Archbishop, despite already being referred to as Archbishop earlier in the story.


FINAL IMPRESSIONS: This was an amazing story. While I did enjoy ‘The Tale of the Foolish Princess’ slightly more, this was still a fantastic addition to the Grimdark category. Ordinarily I’d overlook a spelling mistake or two, but this story had too many errors for me to be able to do so. Final verdict is 7/8 for singular characters, plot, and worldbuilding.

There’s some rich character work here, which is what I enjoy most from stories. I love the character progression of the protagonist and how her personal motivations develop over time. The last choices at the very end are narratively satisfying.

This story doesn’t branch out very much. The format of the story usually involves a binary choice where there’s a “right” choice and one that leads to death. The only significant form of branching paths is at the very end. Still, the main path is more than good enough to satisfy the reader anyway. This storygame makes me interested in playing The Tale of the Foolish Princess, which I’m sure was probably intended by the author.

There is good and bad here.

I can see why people have rated it so highly. The characters are pretty interesting. Killing people over religion is always fun, and so is sadism.

But, I'm told that opening a story with a "make the right choice or you die" is bad. But in this story, I'm pretty sure that every single choice is like that except the final one, where you choose the ending page from among four options. That's not good.

On the other hand, the characters were well explored and interesting. The writing — in terms of useful and/or interesting details for the scene, situation, or character behavior — was pretty good. The main characters were unique enough to not make you start skimming through their internal monologues, and they had interesting ways of dealing with trauma that shaped them into the unique people they became.

Overall, I'd say this: the first page did not hook me, and I had to force feed my way through it, but the second page and onward were interesting. The writing was good. The story was good. However, it's one thing to have a linear story, or to occasionally give the reader only the illusion of choice. But having a story with the illusion of choice every single time is a problem. Perhaps an edit where a fully realized optional plot would add to this story and make it worthy of the high rating it has received.

But until then, to me it's "pretty good," but not great.

A little too linear for my taste, but not terrible.

For a contest entry, a completed storygame is far better than any incomplete storygame. I'm happy to report no missing / broken pages, the existence of multiple "endings", and baked-in QoL (return links on death endings). I didn't notice any grammatical mistake or any major plot inconsistencies either.

It is gritty, it is good.

Outside of that vacuum, there seems to be an illusion of choice (understandably because of the time constraints around the contest) for major early parts of the story (many seemingly innocuous choices leading to sudden death). It does feel a bit limiting as to what "choice" can be had for the reader, but not every death nor ending feels "bad"; they all feel about the same completeness even with the "good" endings. Consistency matters.

As for things to improve on:

More branches, even as strenuous and long as they are to make and flesh out (even Endmaster's best storygames have taken years to do so).

More showing, not telling. It wouldn't hurt to lean into descriptions to imply a thing rather than telling it (I understand this was written on a time constraint but I would be happy to re-read if this ever got improved again).

Fleshing out endings. Even the earned endings that go to the very end feel like they resolve quickly; maybe a time-skip on each of them could help with driving home the impact of a choice?

5/8; pretty good for a contest entry. Would love to see this worked on.

Fantastic story. I was captivated from beginning to end.

I think this is the first of story I've read by Thara, a person I've only previously known as the apple-obsessed favourite of End who does a lot of good around the site. This story was well-written and quite focused, which I like, the characters were interesting, the world immersive and I also enjoyed the little twists in the story. This story was very good and Thara should definitely write more if she has the time as she has a good narrative voice - an enjoyable read :)

This story game was alright. My only issue was that 50% of the links lead to death.

Great story and well worth reading!

I truly enjoyed reading this story, and it was easy to jump into the world with Ingrid and the supporting characters. The narrative was well written, and although I noticed some things that further proofreading might have fixed, none of this distracted from the story.

I liked the concept of her entire life being formed by the lie, and enjoyed the ending where she seemed aware of this the whole time but used it to her advantage.

As has been mentioned, the branching could have been more extensive, since this felt like in most places there was only one choice to advance the story. However, it was a good story, and did not disappoint.

Overall, great story, well written, and definitely recommended.

intriguing, had my brain active.

Bravo!

So, let's get the bad stuff outta the way:

Obviously, Grammar and Proofreading are a bit of a problem, with repeating words, typos, and missing words. This is pretty inconsequential, though, but not as much in the case of some vague language being used. Lots of "They"s (ex. "They wanted them to die before [...]"), kinda made it hard for my stupid brain to understand until I read the last few and proceeding few sentences. But, y'know, this can all easily be touched up, so I won't be factoring it into my rating, because I still understand the story.

There was also a bit of... a continuity error at one point? Maybe? Spoilers ahead, but on the boat ride section where you fight the hydra, there was just this new character named "Tristan" that was just there with no previous introduction. Then after it's defeat, the next scene was... MEETING Tristan, for the first time? I'm unsure if this was supposed to be a flashback or something, but the previous and following pages didn't make it seem like that. So some clarification/correction would make that better.

Lastly, and also a bit of a minor thing, but as some have already pointed out, this story is a bit linear in nature. It's made up entirely of minor decisions, with a right answer and a wrong one. There's not really any "major" decisions to make this a truly branching story.

Now, let's talk about the good parts:

First of all, even though this is a more linear story, it's still a good story. The plot is coherent and the setting is interesting. Even though you're playing as this absolutely horrible person, the plot makes you feel like what she's doing HAD to be done. You really know how to make just an absolutely shitty world with terrible people in it.

Second, speaking of the people, the main cast were all very interesting and their personalities were distinct. By the end, you could kind of tell how each one would react before they said anything. Which some would probably call predictable, I guess, but I think it's more a matter of you really defining exactly what each character is about.

Overall, while it might not be the most "game" of storygames, the story that you told was still one that I enjoyed reading.

7/8

I liked Rodrigo.

I loved this story, and yes, it may not be as crazy-branchy as it might be, using a sort of gantlet-style willingness to trim off branches by creating a game over, but the endings it does have are great and suggest more games in this world to come.

Here's what I loved about it--the style. I could pick out Thara's style anywhere, with the combination of never shying away from hard looks at villainy (aka, it does not mince words in describing nasty stuff) but also a really light touch in the narration. The narrator is snarky and omnipresent.

"But perhaps he underestimated just how passionate she was going to be about said business.

Still, what promise to be had."

That's primo Thara narration--things like that, or the narrator looking over the reader's shoulder and commenting on the nature of bodily fluids in the first page or so. It's what I enjoyed about Foolish Princess, and the thing I most enjoy here. Theme wise, I don't know that I agree with the other comment that says Ingrid's characterization is flat in the middle; I saw that more as rage shading into a growing numbness. Do I think that another month spent on this to develop some of the pruned branches would be well spent. I do. There were definitely some "bad ends" that I really wanted to be developed into real branches. But that's such a minor quibble. Well, well worth a read.

After reading every word of this story, I can confidently say it is very well suited to my tastes. Objectively it has a decent number of issues, which I will discuss in a minute, but I really, really enjoyed it. I’m a sucker for the medieval fantasy setting, the thing I value most is strong characters (which is the story's strongest point) and I also love villain protagonists. If these apply to you or you just like the primase I’d say give it a read. It is a really strong addition to the site and I had a great time reading it. I’ll also be spoiling it in its entirety in this review.

So I’d say the biggest issue with this story is the branching. There is no meaningful choice in this story that leads to another path. Every choice leads to either an ending or continuing the story. At the end there are four choices that all lead to separate endings, but I don’t really count that as branching.

Part of me is kind of glad for that, I do like reading every word in stories, but on the other hand lack of real branching is a huge drawback. I don’t think this story would’ve worked as well as it did by cutting it into different paths though. The way it’s told now feels sort of complete, almost like it was meant to be more of a novela than a storygame.

I will say I liked the addition of the go back button on the ending pages. My browser won’t go back on its own, it reloads the storygame, so that made my experience a lot easier. I also found those links to be really funny.

Going off of branching, another problem was spelling and grammar. There were a decent number of errors in that regard. But I don’t really mind personally. This is a really long story and it was made for a contest so that’s bound to happen. It also just doesn’t really bug me in general.

Now my only issue with the characterization is in the middle of the story Ingrid doesn’t really feel like she is developing as a character. It feels like she is slowly becoming less of a character than at the start of the story. Towards the end I feel like we get great characterization again, but in the middle she just feels more flat than at the beginning or the end, like she isn’t making any progress in her character. Not to say she is actually flat, far from it, just more so in that section.

Now onto things I like, and I’ll start with the characters. Specifically Rodrigo. Man he is such a good character. I really liked the fact that the story waited until near the end to reveal the thing about his father. I don’t know what really to say about him, he’s just done so well.

Nadia is pretty great too. I’m disappointed her and Tristain never got together, and it’s my head canon they did. In my opinion, the advance magic ending is the canon one. I like gathering knowledge, so I guess it’s natural that’s the way I want the empire to go toward. It was also a nice touch Ingrid teaching common people to read once she took over.

The mentor is a strange character. Pretty well done, but I can’t decide if I want to like him or not. The ending where he mind controls Ingrid legitimately terrified me. Thinking about how she was being reduced to that girl she was at the start. I don’t trust him in the main path because of that at all. I understand he probably needed to be shown that she had the power to lead to be able to follow her, but still.

Ingrid is amazing too. I liked how killing becomes so normal to her, and how she knows it’s wrong but doesn’t feel any different. And towards the end starts to resent her lack of emotion toward it. I don’t know how much I buy the jump between the girl at the start and Ingrid at the beginning of the story, but her training with her mentor explains that away pretty well. I found it strange how her sadism showed up most at the start and then not much after that. I assume that was just a case of the start of the story being stronger than the middle.

All in all I really liked this story. I definitely rated it higher based on personal taste, but I think it’s worth a read. It isn’t your usual cave of time story, but it is an entertaining read.