An Unusual Day at Littlewood High

There have been far worse first time efforts. A general tip, if the game takes less than a day to finish, you probably need to do something more with it: develop plot, flesh out the world, use more descriptive language.

Also, what James said. Below is how I would divide up the first page. The first two paragraphs could be combined, but I would argue this way makes the opening scene a little catchier. I also added a few commas where needed and some extra notes.

"Wake up boy!"

You sigh deeply as your English teacher, Mr. Greenwood, smashes his hand down on your desk for the sixth time in the lesson. "Can you understand me boy?!" This time infuriated with rage. <- Fragment. Also it doesn't really tell me anything new. We know he's pissed off. (Side note: fragments can be used stylistically at times, but it just seems clumsy here.)

"No sir! I was just studying through this test book!" You hope it is a good enough excuse, as you are not very good at telling lies, or English at that. <- I know what you're trying to say here, but the way it's written it sounds like the protagonist doesn't know the English language (in regards to speaking it) rather than the subject.

"I have just been studying your test results, and they are dreadful! This recess, you are going to stay in and practice the test!"

Remember to use strong nouns and verbs in your writing so you rely less on adjectives and adverbs. Strong nouns and verbs paint clearer pictures.

Hope this helps, and once again, welcome to CYS.

I really didn't get the idea of this story, but it was still satisfying.

Too sweet.

Meh. There's a few End Game and Leave Comments link tacked on to random pages.

Some minor spelling and grammar issues. But I've been looking for a good short story/game on here for a few days now and this is the first that I've actually appreciated all week. I loved the randomness and the humor. Good job!

The humor wasn't that great, and it was really short. Flesh it out and it could be okay.

Also, what's the point in those random end game links, like when you go to flud the bathroom and find out that the other kid already did it?

it's a really great story but I feel as though it should be longer

I want to say, if you run across the French Teacher, he uses the f-word! No way this is "between G or PG". Change the rating!

Its a fun little game, if you have a spare 5 minutes!
SPOILER: Don't risk the convienience store! Also, don't kill yourself.

"Can you understand me boy!?"
"No sir..."

Awkward dialogue such as that combined with inconsistencies and randomness make this story pretty low on my chart. I recommend listening to the other reviews to improve this. Also when a different character is speaking, you have to make it a new paragraph.