Crackas best get they pasty hands offa my rod!

Disclaimer: to the author, take everything in this review with a grain of salt. I’m not a professional writer and only somewhat of a seasoned reviewer. To the readers, this review will contain lots of spoilers, so I suggest you read the storygame first.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

From the title and description, I can guess this storygame leans heavily towards the humor route. Onto the first page. It allows the reader to customize their character before they embark on an “adventure of self discovery, adventure, and romance”. The self-discovery part occurs very soon, as readers realize there are only two types of people in the world: you’re either black or you’re racist! And the author doesn’t tolerate racist readers in his storygame.

I like how the narrator speaks directly to the reader, aware that this is a storygame: “Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about”. There’s a very informal tone throughout the story. It sounds like what I’d imagine ghetto speak to be like, though I’ll admit that everything I know about that comes from overly stereotypical portrayals in movies. This isn’t that prevalent later on in the story, making it a bit more readable (though Petros would probably call me racist for saying this).

There’s some amount of pigeonholing, such as the false customization choice at the start and the parody of the ‘wake up or sleep’ choice that so many noobs have used in the past, but it’s amusing enough that I don’t really mind. Perhaps the reader grappling with the author for control over the plot is thematic, reminiscent of the struggles with racism in real life. Or maybe I’m just overthinking this.

WRITING STYLE

From the start, there’s a good balance between showing and telling. The protagonist’s annoyance at having to wake up for his night shift is conveyed through his actions and inner thoughts. And the part about his mum bringing up random facts they read on Facebook is relatable. It’s a nice touch that seemingly no time passes before the protagonist wakes up again, yet he realizes that he’s late for work. Time doesn’t make sense when a seemingly minute-long nap turns into an hour-long doze, especially where the snooze button is concerned.

A note on dialogue: when using a dialogue tag in the center of a sentence, do not capitalize it. This occurs even when a line of dialogue is complete, regardless of whether it ends in a question mark, exclamation mark or comma. For instance, here’s a corrected version: “Say what?” you ask the little, green, bug eyed freak.

The setting has a very run-down, shabby atmosphere. This is conveyed through the adjectives used, like the repetition of the word “grimy”, the stench of grease, and the “garish neon sign” which hasn’t been repaired. In a way, the protagonist matches his environment: he doesn’t shower, his hair is “criminally nappy” and he constantly growls and groans.

I wanted to compare this with the setting in the alien planet, but setting description becomes scarce in the later part of the story. This may either be a technique to emphasize the characters and plot or just another victim of the contest deadline. I’ll leave it up to the reader to decide which it is.

CHARACTERS & PLOT

The protagonist’s dialogue matches the narrative voice at the start of the story. This characterizes him well, as he speaks with a roughness and uses swear words as often as he thinks of murdering his colleagues.

Oh wow. Even aliens are racist.

The inciting incident occurs when the alien abducts the protagonist to take part in an intergalactic fishing competition. This has to be one of the nicest abductions ever, as he asks for permission and even offers the protagonist a chance to win a laser gun. There’s a slight continuity error, though: the alien never introduces himself but the protagonist somehow knows his name is Alf.

Once he arrives, the protagonist can choose someone to teach him about fishing. All these characters appear to be archetypal, with distinct personalities but sadly one-dimensional. It is effective, however, given they’re only there for one scene.

The first guy teaches the protagonist to fish by using his hands. Having only one choice between losing and winning the competition makes it abrupt and unsatisfying. Still, I guess it makes sense given the contest time constraints, and one of the endings wasn't even written (but I suppose in that case, yeah, readers don’t deserve it if they think fish are found in air). The winning part felt unrealistic as these were supposed to be the top fishermen in the galaxy and the protagonist was there by accident, though at least there was a fun reference to the title. (Also it’s racist to insinuate that rich neighborhoods consist entirely of white people, Petros, you of all people should know this).

On the other path, the old man reminds me of the saying: teach a guy to fish and he’ll teach others to fish so the art would never die. It’s a more realistic ending, but still very abrupt. Then in another, he just gets killed. Yet, on the last path, the protagonist has the chance to take on another mentor. Oh, I see now who this is haha. At first, I believed the mention of Mr Miyagi and Confucius was continuing with the running gag that all asians look the same, though now I see how it’s an allusion to Darius haha. And given their rivalry, it makes sense that the only way to get to the n-word pass prize is to kill him.

Overall, it’s a short, somewhat random storygame which focuses more on humor than things like plot, character or theme. But it kept me entertained and because I’m not racist, I’ll say it’s worth a read.

i wanna be white :{

It was a genuine mistake reading this story and it's not even the first story to feature me. Well, the nicest compliment I can give is that at least you've not written weird romance fanfic about us being lovey dovey mermaids unlike a certain other degenerate weeb. Writing that synopsis just makes me want to vomit. Glad that you gave me a gory death scene instead. Also mildly impressed how many references you manage to cram in,

Onto the story. Good use of afro American vernacular and the first choices do establish the vibe pretty well such as choosing your race option.

I did get annoyed by the waking up part- it's a bit overdone by this point and there are probably other locations or scenarios that could set up the alien fishing contest better.

As for the options how to win the fishing competition. -Did the main character live in Arkansas or something, because the story was more overflooded by KKK robes than an average Dave Chappelle skit or 1920s US. In the past I was always surprised that those Klansmen have such a heavy southern drawl.

Onto other things, I think the story gives you a wide range of endings. The one that was the least remarkable was actually the one that featured the aliens the most. The other ones felt as if you had put more thoughts into the comedy and delivery of the jokes.

Plus I do like that you followed the age old tradition of making fun badges for players who completed your story.

Preview: A short & entertaining game about competing in an alien fishing competition. (Warning: not PC)

=SPOILERS BELOW=

General notes:
At first I was afraid that as a white guy I’d have nothing worthwhile to say about this story, but that was before we got to the bass pro shop: as someone who has shot in multiple bass pro-hosted recurve archery competitions, I am delighted by the depiction of recurve fishing in this story. You’re doing a service to the community.
I don’t have much to say about the plot, because there isn’t one. That’s not a bad thing. This story works because it’s a funny and entertaining read; the alien fishing competition is a servicable device to set up the story compatible with the intended tone. Nothing more is needed.
The language use is terrific. I have more to say on this below, but a short “lol random” game like this lives or dies on the wording and humor, and this one meets that challenge very well. On the sentence level this was a lot of fun to read.

Specific notes:
= You know I usually find the wake up / don’t choice annoying, but I think this one works. It feels like satire. As far as “you wake up in bed” openings go, this one is quite good; the depiction of the narrator flailing his(?) arms around is entertaining and attention-grabbing. The descriptions of the room & morning routine are similarly filled with character.
= I like the narrator thanking the powers that be as the car starts. It effectively & efficiently characterizes both him and his car.
= I like the detail about the sign. Overall this story is doing a great job setting atmosphere through visual details.
= Again, I like how you use “you briefly wonder why you didn’t just slit your wrists” to characterize both Daniel and the narrator.
= Another great indirect characterization of the car.
= Great, now we’re getting microaggressions from the aliens too. (I love that the alien is wearing cargo shorts. Great detail.)
= “ET” as a nickname for the alien is funny & characterizes both it(?) and the narrator.
= Outline of the gun is another nice detail. (I’ll stop pointing these out. You get the idea.)
= Hell yeah recurve!!
= I can’t comment on the mucus bait trick. I’ll have to try that sometime.
= “If looks could kill, you’d be leaving the bloody cadaver of a crackhead on the Bass Pro floor.” Great sentence.
= You fool, that’s not a catfish, that’s a cthat fish!
= I assumed there would be all caps endings for everything but I guess that was just kill shot. Lol.
= Lol “You don’t deserve a death description.”
= Lol “it takes a nonfisherman to really dissect fishing.”
= It’s tricky to handle a fourth wall break well, but this story’s self-aware narrating voice just enhanced it.

Grammar:
Good.
Mastery of Language:
Pretty good! The language brings out the narrator’s personality. The phrasing is smooth and easy to understand. Actions are quick and simple. The descriptions are vivid and full of life, while still being very space-efficient.
I mention this a lot in the specific notes, but I really like the way the narrator’s personality and description blur together through their indirect reactions to the world. The key to this type of dry humor seems to be indirectness, and this story has that mastered. Kudos.
This story does a terrific job of creating a world by highlighting specific details.
Anyways I don’t know if this is just because of all the sentence structure reviews I’ve been doing this week, but I’m really appreciating the tone of this story. Obviously in a longer game many of the devices wouldn't really work (like the fourth-wall-aware narrator), but the visual details and narrator personality are a strength that will translate to any game.

Branching & fair choice:
There’s decent branching. Fair choice is just alright, but it’s not the point of this game.

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE:
I first reached the GANGSTA KILL SHOT ENDING.

CONCLUSION: I mean, this is a 3000 word joke game so I’m not going to rate it higher than a 5. This was fun though, and fulfilled the promise of its premise.

not a good start but i liked the ending

Got the true ending on my first playthrough. I love these kinds of shitpost games. You get a high rating for this ona, nigga.

I tapped 7 for the rating but it's too high and I don't know how to go back but this isn't too bad I probably would have given it a 5 at worst. I read this quickly and already forgot some parts, but it was alright. I wouldn't recommend this. I don't really know how to describe this. Air is a bad end.

I really liked this Petros. It was genuinely funny. I'll admit I was a little sour seeing mizal favor your crack story a little more instead of mine, but reading this I understand. This was really good.

Enjoyed this one! Though short, the endings were humorous and had enough variety for me play through all the options.

Nice job Petros.

This won the Funniest Title Award for sure. And thank you for the prize, I will use it responsibly. That kind of thoughtfulness is what I like to see in a 3000 word shitpost.

The "Air" ending gave me a genuine chuckle, as did the Darius cameo. (The rivalry you two have is generally a bit funnier than the one where Malk just wants him to die IRL.)