Magus: Betrayal

I know the author will probably never see this given how old a story this one is, but I'm going to review it anyway.

Magnus: Betrayal isn't bad by any means. It's obvious from the get-go that the author has a well established knowledge of the English language and a uses a wide range of vocabulary.

However, with this came a sense of the contrived. I felt some of the language was put in just to make the story sound more high fantasy. It's tempting to do, but overdone in my opinion. I know you could argue that it makes the story sound more exotic and therefore fantasy-like or whatever, but it just feels forced to me. Many sentences just did not flow, or used so many commas they were clunky or even difficult to follow. I get this; it's something I struggle with when writing quickly with too. However, proof-reading is essential. Yes, it can be boring and difficult with a CYOA (especially if you script and can't remember which page leads to which), but do it.

Which takes me onto scripting. I get that not many people learn how to script much or at all, but this kind of story would really benefit from script that isn't difficult. Even a few variables to track certain choices and the magic class picked would up the immersion and lead to a smoother experience. It just makes things more exciting knowing the author has scripted pages that change depending on your choices. It really shows the reader that choice matters, something every CYOA aims to do.

The story could also be expanded more. More lore, more background. The details can get boring, so space it out as the reader explores the world.

Given these points and the array of grammatical and spelling errors made, I think this story would be rated lower than it is if it were published today. That's to be expected- the site's standards have raised over the years. Regardless, a good edition with real effort obviously put in. It is a shame I probably won't be able to read the sequels and see improvements made.

5/8

This story is linear. This story needed thorough proofreading that it never got. This story does not take advantage of editor features. It offers many options which are narratively inconsequential, except, that they give the player many ways to succeed.

There are moments in this game where the player gets an incredible opportunity for roleplaying. What is our Uriel like? We decide. Our choices are not inconsequential in substance, as they allow us to define the character we want to play as.

More games should strive to do this. Our character's personality and strategies are ours to control in thoughtful detail, and that's a pretty admirable accomplishment that this long gone writer championed.

Unfortunately, some of the sweetness we might otherwise enjoy from this short venture in a fantastic land runs dry as "Tides of War" never made it past its first step. Likely, we'll never know what intrigue awaited, nor how our version of Uriel ended his journey.

Incredibly well written story. The writing style really sets the mood and atmosphere for a classic fantasy setting feel.

It's linear, but very replayable. I like the way playing a different element will give you a whole new perspective on the same story. It's very clever the way the story all fits together and makes sense whichever path you take.

I would have criticised the decision to not script it so that the player would be forced to stick with their element, but I feel the explanation given in the description is justified.

The only things I can think of that would have improved this storygame is more thorough proofreading and a sequel. It's a shame that we'll probably never get to see the rest of this series.

i dont know if i just played bad but this was super short, but it was good none the less

no

Good story I hope that you finish the next chapter or the space story soon.=)

Shame this story never got finished, but it was a decent story on it's own. Got to say, it was very frustrating that you kept having to choose which element you specialized in, but then, this game is super old, and was probably made before the advanced editor even existed, so you're off the hook for that one.

In short, writing was good, story was engaging, magic system was cool. ^_^

Super fun! I am eager to see what happens next.

Entertaining game and some cool choices in there. Shame it was so short and a bit linear as some others have said but I still enjoyed it. Thanks and more please!

I knew it's in parts but still..I feel kinda disappointed that this part is way too short..Good and promising story line tho...