Mind Games

Okay, so I felt that to do this storygame justice, I should take notes now as I read. The first comments I have are much the same as other readers. Grammar is cluncky in places and the sentences sound like broken English in places. There is a mix of first person and second person, which is very jaring and keeps me from immersion. There is uneccessary spacing with commas and other punctuation following a word. The premise is good but the dialog with other characters that could make things interesting get glossed over and I am only reading action.

Moving on... This may be nit-picking but, aliens would not use the word 'infest' to describe taking over a host. It makes it sound like they are refering to themselves as vermin when they clearly have a superiority complex. I am now at the part where the protagonist is getting all the items from the people in the cage. Don't tell me what is going on! Show me! What kind of conversations is he having with them. What did he have to say to get the phone; was the kid having fun or drowning out his frear? What kind of item did the old woman have; does she have any regrets? How is it that he was able to aquire the suncreen from a woman who clearly needed it? Is it that the protagonist is that great of a charmer? This is an aspect of writing that is subtle and may take time to master, but really think about what is going on in everyone's head... even if you are doing a first person perspective!

Got the ending: Go home and warn Jack. I read this line: "You finish your story and watch TV with Jack" ...Thwack... That is the sound of me hitting my face with the palm of my hand. The protagonist had the time of is life and he is gonna chill and watch TV. What more should I say?

Now for looking at the storygame as a whole. It was put together quite well and your writting could improve with effort. Additionally, there is significant evidence you worked really hard on the item combining puzzle. But, your worldbuilding needs improvement. The alien designations such as A4 are interesting, but I would have liked a little more fleshing out there, like what does the designation given to the alien controling the hero mean? How is it that the one controlling Jared was able to get such a promotion for commendeering one slave (even if he might have been the first only ever human to escape)? Think about these things and your future works will be drastically better. Finally, it was short for this kind of scenario. The build up needed more time with the day-to-day of the character (like one more disicion or two before being infested). The entire motivations of the alien's agenda should also have not been dumped in one conversation. It would have been interesting to see how the main chacter's day-to-day life changed as a result of losing control. Once again, show, don't tell. And one more thing, the nature of the alien takeover should have taken longer, a gradual change without the character knowing would have been interesting. Good luck on your next storygame!

This story is really fun. It manages to do the classic 'aliens' theme in a different way by combining other plot devices to make a really great story. I would love to read another story like this.

Is a happy ending not achievable? Or am I just missing something?

I like the premise and the writing is fairly good. In a few places you fall away from second person which should be easily fixed. I struggled with the item combining, but the puzzle had a very good, old timey, point and click feel that I appreciate. I just wish that a few more paths were explored in the game.

Very interesting game. How do we know if you are not one of them? ;)

*you, not to lol*

try to use the same point of view, you went from using to, and then I, and back to you again on page one.
Also jack is extremely pissy for no reason. There were a couple grammatical errors.
This was all the first page, after that I just picked random things until I got to end game and leave comments because I didn't want to read it anymore

lots of grammar mistakes. good idea, not that great of execution.

i wanted a happier ending but this was really good

This game was complicated but not a whole lot of fun. After the part where you combine items, there really isn't much to to the story. I would attempt to make it longer and more detailed, maybe give some of the combinations pictures. 4/8.