Slaying the Scourge

Disclaimer: to the author, take everything in this review with a grain of salt. I’m not a professional writer and only somewhat of a seasoned reviewer. To the readers, this review will contain lots of spoilers, so I suggest you read the storygame first.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

From the description, this storygame seems to be inspired by historical events. It sets out the main crisis of the story alongside some of the key stakeholders within it. A nitpick may be that parts of it reads like an infodump. This could partly be due to the number of names of people and places. Perhaps some of this background information be sprinkled within the narrative instead? Still, I get that some historical context would be necessary for the reader before they dive into the world of this story.

I like that the story begins with a missive. This prevents the need for an explanatory infodump or prologue/ flashback which may interfere with the pacing instead. At the same time, this missive conveys important information about the situation at hand: the power and influence of Attila the main antagonist, the collapse of the palace (a symbol of Rome's empire crumbling), along with the general defeated attitude of the people portrayed by Felix urging him to surrender.

The story starts with a conversation between a few men about the death of a soldier. I like that it began with their sympathies for him as opposed to an immediate launch into battle strategies, as this not only sets up the stakes but gets readers to emotionally empathize. Often in war, both sides commit atrocities, though in this case, showing the extremely barbaric nature of Atilla's army gets the reader to root for the protagonists.

Just a nitpick: start a new paragraph after dialogue. This makes it easier to read especially when dialogue lasts for quite a lengthy paragraph (or maybe that's just because I'm reading this on my phone).

A number of people were introduced in this scene, in a short span of time, which makes it somewhat difficult to keep track of all the names and personalities. I'm glad the centurion at the start wasn't given a name; this allows readers to know who to focus on, while also inferring the hierarchical ranking system of the men. There's Caius, an officer; Augustus Marjorian, the emperor; Fabius, a youth; and Aleius, a prefect. The latter two are more archetypal---the youth symbolizes innocence and vulnerability given his young age, which shows the dire situation as even 14 year olds were conscripted, while the other man's only personality was being a stickler for the rules (kind of like school prefects - I know as I was one of them). While archetypes often leave characters feeling underdeveloped, in this case, it was employed well, as it allowed them to have distinctive personalities while they fulfilled a limited role in the story, thus allowing readers to focus more on the main cast.

WRITING STYLE

Everytime a character was named, a description of their rank and appearance followed, which felt a bit unnecessary considering the already large cast in just a few scenes. For instance, Domitius was described in several lines as the tallest man there. But this would carry more weight if it said something about his personality or his role in this war.

There are a number of scenes focused purely on dialogue. This is an effective technique to put the spotlight on the conversation while both furthering the plot and developing characters. Moreover, this conveys information that is new to the reader without the need for any info dumps.

There are a few grammatical and proofreading errors in the story but nothing major.

The Pope's vision is described quite vividly, with specific details and concrete imagery. There is a slight overuse of adjectives at some parts, though it can be considered the Pope's conversational style. However, the giant is referred to as 'it' half the time and 'he' for the other half, often switching between these spontaneously: "As it loomed over me, it raised his fist to crush me."

"Dressed in banded iron and fully equipped with spatha and spiculum, the soldier could have made a confident image of a soldier were it not for the fearful expression on his face in the torchlight." --- This is a great cumulative sentence, as it starts with a description to paint a mental image, then juxtaposes the picture of a battle-hardened soldier with the fear he expressed. It portrays the extent to which their plan is flawed, as even this soldier does not believe in it.

Details are used effectively to create a disturbing effect when the protagonist meets the others in the castle. One such instance is Fabius eating an eyeball. The gruesome way it's portrayed, along with all the changes to him---red slits for eyes, ice cold skin, and complete disrespect for the emperor---add to the unsettling atmosphere.

CHARACTERS & PLOT

From the start of the story, Marjorian grapples with the loss of power associated with his role. There are constant mentions of authority: passing through the hallways threatened his dignity, as "it was unfamiliar experiencing this as one of the most powerful men in the world...or whatever he was now". When visiting the Pope, he was cautious of keeping his own authority in check, knowing the Pope superseded his own. But on the other hand, the Pope acted as a character foil. He prefers not to be referred to by his title because it reminds him of those who served idols.

Speaking of the Pope, I liked the part where he said all spirits contend for his soul but only the Spirit of God gives him visions. It reminds me of a talk I attended about the Discernment of Spirits. The priest spoke about the importance of distinguishing between messages from spirits sent by the evil one and those of the Holy Spirit. Visions are also a key part within stories in the Bible, so it makes sense that the Pope's vision plays a pivotal role here. It acts as a metaphorical representation of the current situation as well as foreshadowing of what's to come. The giant is likely to be Attila, the antagonist, and from the next page, the presented weapon would pierce his heart and save their people from destruction. And his advice about pointing the knives down when facing the enemy is certainly cryptic, though not uncharacteristic considering the way other Biblical figures obtained victory (like blowing trumpets and marching around the wall of Jericho, or defeating a giant with a rock and a slingshot).

A minor nitpick: the description mentions that the word 'Ubir' is shared in all the stories and strikes fear in the hearts of men. Yet, the protagonist has never heard of it, despite his rank and involvement in the battle. Nor is he afraid, merely confused. Still, it's an inconsequential inconsistency and provides the reader with a short explanation about the word.

Majorian's reaction to the Pope's plan is rather realistic. He asks question after question, incredulous and surprised. Even when the Pope clarifies the plan, he tries to deny it, suggesting Domitius take his place. Despite the revelation of the secret tunnel to the Palace, he still resists. The plan appears ludicrous to one without faith. Then, he has the choice between carrying it out or creating a new plan entirely.

(Spoilers)
This first choice reflects his aforementioned inner conflict between maintaining his authority or respecting the authority of another. If he chooses to act based on his pride, thinking he knows best because of his role as emperor, he comes up with what he believes to be a strategic plan. But the plan goes wrong: the enemy gets to the mountains first. From there, it's all a downward spiral, ending with an epilogue where a scribe from the Hunnic Empire summarizes the protagonist's death. It's true what they say: the victors write history. Using this format made for an interesting way to end the story too.

On the other path, as most of the protagonist's men believe in Roman gods, he has to deceive them into thinking it's his own plan. This explains his hesitation regarding the religious priest's suggestions despite his open minded view of the Catholic faith. It makes sense too that he uses authority to enforce this plan despite the hesitations of the rest of his soldiers. Their reactions, too, are on point given their previous brief characteristics.

Although he instructed them not to follow him, some of Augustus' soldiers attempt to get ahead of him, with the rule-abiding prefect going after them to restore order. It shows the closeness between them despite their differences in rank. This was initially foreshadowed by the way they referred to one another by their first names instead of rank.

I found it amusing there was a choice to enter the tunnels and leave immediately, followed by an epilogue about retreating.

A section of the story revolves around exploring the area and searching for information. I suppose this is where the 'score' part comes to play? Either way, it was a nice way to find out information, even though there was the all-too-cliche left vs right choice (but it made sense given the protagonist's lack of familiarity with the location). The bolded text of the protagonist's thoughts, contrasting that in italics, was a nice touch too, especially when I figured out what they meant. But more on that later.

The barbaric descriptions of the Roman corpses---one with a bloody stump where the head should be, and another badly mutilated with skinned ligaments and body torn open---further emphasized the despicable nature of the villains.

Oh, the plot twist with Domitious surprised me. I believed he left to intercept the protagonist as a way of preventing him from coming to harm. Now I understand why the bodyguard's height was elaborated upon so much earlier. His stature and skill means there is no way to fight him and win; the only chance the protagonist has is to dodge his attacks and escape.

Then Caius betrayed him too. His explanation made sense: the enemy is some sort of vampire, as Ubir refers to, and they are now under his control. But there's a broken link as choosing to fight him just returns the reader to the earlier scene. The same thing happened with Fabius.

For some reason, I couldn't get to the throne room. There must have been a scripting error somewhere. Regardless of which soldiers I talked to or items I used, nothing worked. This seems to be a different bug from the one Darius encountered as clicking the '...' link after the Thronus page loops back to Atrium Magnum.

I really enjoyed this story so far but I'm rather disappointed that I can't see how it ends. Do let me know if you manage to fix the bugs, as I'd be interested to find out what happens next.

Review 17 – Slaying the Scourge
Another story from Milton? This quickly? We’re in here for a treat.
It’s sad to say that I find this story to be weaker than your first one. I would like to say to other writers that each subsequent story is better than its predecessors, but I cannot say it in good conscious.

There are again two glaring problems with this story. Most of the characters except for Majorian, felt a bit flat, not that very interesting and there was not much time to make me endear to the ones that should matter. That is: Domitius, Caius and Flavius. I could faintly recall Caius and Flavius’ character archetypes, but I sure as hell didn’t remember Domitius anymore. It would really help if you added some good moments or scenes with Majorian interacting one to one with them like he did with the priest.

The second problem could also be very easily fixed by just playtesting the story a bit and spamming a few buttons. There were two bugs that annoyed me and the third one basically broke the game and didn’t let me see the ending. I sure as hell know that these weren’t intentional haha. So try to fix it if you have any spare time left. I do know the struggle of having to do some light coding and messing around with links and variables. It’s a pain, but this is what you get when you want your story to be more gamey haha. If you don’t like all this trouble, I don’t fault you for just taking all these pages and copypasting them into one big wall of text and be done with it.

The overall setting and idea is something that I can get behind on. Vampires, Post-Constantine Rome, Huns? I don’t know whether this idea has been done before, but I’m a fan of it. Plus the story did plenty enough of foreshadowing that the reveal didn’t feel as if it came out of nowhere. I actually find this premise a lot more interesting than your first story hahah.

All in all, the writing still is very sharp like in “The Boy Who Would Be Duke”, but it lacked the heartfelt side characterization and suffered from lots of bugs that greatly hampered by enjoyment of the story. I do applaud Milton for trying to experiment with other story game formats since most authors generally stick with one for all their stories!

Notes
- I’m already drawn to the story. It opens with a letter from Atilla addressed to the emperor of the West. It’s not often that I see a story game start with a letter, but this is a great way to get the exposition out of the way while incorporating it in your story in a natural and a more interesting way.

- Perhaps some readers would be bothered by you throwing roman titles left and right, plus an ample amount of latin sayings, but I like it. I’m pretty much sold by the alternative history stuff haha. I often see more often than not in literature things about the Roman Republic (since that is the era where the coolest stuff is written), so it was a breath of fresh air to see post-Constantine Christian Rome being featured. I also like the references the priest made to the vision Constantine really had before his own great battle haha.

- Love that the epilogue is an excerpt of a history textbook; plus it being signed by the ruler of the Hunnic Empire lolol.

- “The Christian Way may now be the official religion of the land, but still so few accepted it compared to the population that still venerated the old gods.” You know your stuff. That’s indeed pretty much true. Although it is still an alternative history, I like that you make sure that some of the details still are close to historically accurate.

- The infiltration of the castle is much more game like, with multiple rooms to explore. I was quite surprised by it, but in retrospect I do understand why you did so. It does make the story feel less linear even though it pretty much is. The puzzles involving the keys didn’t frustrate me at all, so that is a big plus! It felt intuitive too.

- One thing that is also pretty awesome, is that you also did some fun worldbuilding during these room exploration scenes. Such as describing how the plebs and the slaves lived and what they ate and the overall layout of a wealthy Roman’s villa. They make the world view more lived in.

- Mojarian’s inner voice and doubts being expressed in every room he comes across is very effective in conveying his insecurities and makes him a lot more likeable. In the previous pages he felt a bit flat, but these tidbits do give him some extra depth.

- The fight scene with Fabius is fun! Again, this problem comes a lot with story games this short. I wasn’t given enough moments and time to attach myself to this character. So him dying was not the most impactful scene due to the lack of proper build up. The same could be said about the fight with Domitius.

- There is a bit of a bug: GO TO THE THRONE ROOM page will lead straight towards the bad ending and epilogue. Even though in the text it is implied that Majorian goes back to the Atrium Magnum.

- Second bug: Dodging Domitius twice will lead you straight to the Atrium Magnum page again.

- It turns out that the Huns turned the Romans into vampires hahah. I expected that kinda with the silver sword and all, but nevertheless it is a fun idea to do a vampire story in alternative history Rome.

- Third bug: when you press FIGHT CAIUS. It takes you back to the Atrium Magnum, making the game loop in itself.

Great fun! Heavens, that the disembodied face still gives orders. Thanks for fixing those bugs!
Interesting to see how little tidbits of history shape the plot, and thus Majorian's options as he proceeds. Now I'm more curious about these historical figures' actual lives.
Just one question ... the voice of the Lord is in Comic Sans?

Fun!

I enjoyed playing this storygame it was fun in spite of the fact that it had vampires, and I liked the take of Atilla and the Huns being the undead.

The story had sufficient branching, and obvious coding to some of the choices. In playing I found a few bugs, one of which seemed to put me in a loop that I could not escape - I don't exactly remember how I got there; something with Caius I think. But could not advance the story.

The characters were sufficient, but I found it a little difficult in the first page or two to keep track of who was saying what, requiring a bit of rereading to fully understand what was going on. Possibly due to a lot of description happening between each individuals reply.

But Overall, this was a fun game and definitely worth reading. It was fun and I enjoyed it.

Fun! So far, I'm enjoying the way the story is building up.
Had a bit of trouble, though. I couldn't seem to kill either Caius or Domitius, even when I survived encounters with them. I kept getting sent back to the Grand Atrium.
Entering the throne room does the same.
Man, Domitius was a bit presumptuous ... he attempted to bestow a gift that Atilla may have wanted to give. Not that Majorian was very interested, anyway.

Does it only go to the throne room and no further? This was really fun! I collected a bunch of stuff but I didn't use all of them yet. Might be interesting to include a scene where Majoran gets to see the ubir in action before actually meeting one ... Build a little more suspense, perhaps? Like Harker watching Dracula play lizard on the walls.

That note was reminiscent of those unfortunate dwarves discovered posthumously in Moria. I heard drums ... Drums in the deep