The Cries of Caracas

The story follows the main character, who tries to achieve justice for his friend and his friend’s brothers’ death.

One thing I liked about the story was that it actually made me want to get to the bottom of it. There was no redundant dragging or spoiling at the very start, so the mystery was kept hidden until released at the right time. I also liked how the ending made me actually rethink my choices. Sometimes, achieving justice might harm others around you.

There were faults in the game too. The remark of the friend saying that his brother died was rather casual and sudden. It made him unrealistic and overall hard to empathise with him. There were also a lot of missing punctuation, mostly fullstops, sometimes commas too. The story tried to explore a theme of friendship, but once again difficult to leave an impression on the reader because the friend and the main character’s relationship was not described detailedly. Last but not least, some logic issues. Do you really leave fingerprints on bullets if you just shoot them outta a gun?

Overall, some of the thoughts in this story could have been potentially enlightening, but the storyline itself had not enough development and led to some good ideas (exposing corruption, mystery solving) being poorly executed.

I have mixed feelings about this story.
Plot: It was interesting but plot twists were slightly predictable. The father of the protagonist wasn’t really necessary as he doesn’t seem to have much to do with the story.
Choices and branching: This was unfortunate. Basically choosing anything except the ‘right’ choice would result in instant death. In fact after clicking around for a bit (There really isn’t much to click around), choosing anything eventually results in death. If you want to write a short story you could use the forums instead.
Language: Some minor grammar slips or weird sentence structures here and there, but it didn’t affect reading.
Overall 3/8, it simply needs a lot more work because of the lack of choices and branching.

its good

Was there even a good ending?

A little linear, with only two endings... One where you live. Another where you can die from a bad choice right there on the first page.

I saw only one grammar mistake, when you said 'forced out a weak laughter' it should've been 'laugh'.

Could be improved by making a different page for if you sweet talk the cop and then sneak in, instead of the same one as just sneaking in in the first place. Would've made it more realistic.

No spelling errors that I saw, so good. Working as a team means proofreading, and it looks like either you made almost no mistakes, or you proofread.

Though short, it makes up for that with detail in the pages. They weren't short like in the other new stories.

This was interesting but could have been much longer and much more developed. Still, it had a pretty good twist.

Try to improve your writing, it wasn't the worst but I also saw some paragraphs that looked like you just spat it out without a second thought.

First thing I noticed - Your grammar and punctuation was spot on, and your descriptive abilities are pretty decent, for the five pages I read through.

However, the second thing I noticed was that the second choice you make (sweet talk the cop or sneak in), if you choose incorrectly (sweet talk the cop) it routes you through to the exact same page as if you hadn't tried to bluff your way past. Instead of doing this, you could perhaps direct to a slightly different page where you make a reference to failing to bluff your way in, which would help with making it feel like its a true continuation rather than a "you picked wrong, pick the other option" kind of result.

Rather short, but then it's better than the rest of your classmates attempts.

I am giving this one a 4/8, simply for being a breath of fresh air compared to the other class project stories we've been suffering through. I'd have even gone to 5/8 if it were longer.

I almost cried with happiness at finding that 8th graders who understand words and punctuation at an 8th grade level still exist, and the writing itself is pretty good by any standards. The opening paragraph alone does an excellent job at establishing the setting and character.

This game was created by two 8th grade girls in their composition class and it is their first attempt at a ChooseYourOwnAdventure Story. Please give helpful feedback and comments to show these girls that their efforts are appreciated, as well as how to improve their game and writing. Great game, girls!

This was great Story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This has me shokken. I was not expecting that. SOOOO GOOD.