When Lights Go Out

All right, this was...unfortunately...a really disappointing read.

With horror, there's some expectation that characters might be more two-dimensional, but at least a couple tend to be better developed than the others. Sadly, that wasn't the case with any of these characters. There was virtually no descriptions for the different teenagers...or young people...honestly, I don't even know what age they were supposed to be. The only thing I could say for sure was that Moya was the only girl. The six boys might have been just one character, especially considering they all tended to speak in unison. Because of this lack of character development, I had no reason to care about any of them; not when they died, not about keeping them alive. And seriously...none of them had any reaction when group members were killed. No, 'Oh, maybe we should try and see if they're still alive!' when one falls down the cliff. Or right at the end, when one of them is killed and the reaction is literally, 'Let's just go home.' Unless you're writing a group of characters who are revealed to be sociopaths, people aren't going to just...not react to someone getting murdered in front of them.

While it kind of seemed, at first, that there were quite a few paths in this storygame, as I explored all of the possibilities, I found there were very few true options...and no matter what choices I made, the storygame only ever ended one of two ways. Well...three ways, if counting the ending where the group returns to the teachers.

Speaking of the teachers...letting a group of teenagers wander through the forest on their own, with the potential for danger, isn't something that would happen. It would make more sense to have the teachers accompany the students. And expected to walk seven hours a day? That also doesn't feel realistic. I can see the teachers insisting they do some kind of activities for seven hours a day, but just walking for seven hours just seems wrong.

It feels like this storygame could have been a lot better if some research had been done. The amount of errors in the writing also made the storygame really hard to read. There were constant changes between past and present tense...and various times when the storygame slipped into second person, rather than staying in third.

This storygame would be greatly improved with more character development and actual suspense. By the end of the storygame, I didn't really feel any connection to any of the characters...and I didn't really care whether they lived or died. All in all, quite a disappointment for me. Especially because I love horror when it's actually well-done.

Eurgh. This story was frustrating. The author clearly put some effort into this and, persistent punctuation issues aside, the writing itself is pretty decent.

I was just so, so disappointed with the unbelievable mess the plot turned into and the generic non-characters. I had a whole thing written out after the first few pages questioning all the POV switching, from what started out seeming like Matt, to an unknown 'you', to Tom, then David, then others, sometimes right in the middle of a page or scene. But, then I get to the point where people are dying and none of their friends have a reaction stronger than a shrug, and I realize that if the other characters and the story itself doesn't care about any these people, then I really don't either.

Added to that, nothing about Alexis' actions or explanations or that of the villain's made any sense, and (as was pointed out in one of the first few pages by the story itself) it was sort of ridiculous the kids were there in the first place. That same teacher got five kids killed in the same place the year before, apparently multiple other kids have died there since then, and the police haven't looked into it? The school is still sending field trips?

Sure, this is a genre where that sort of thing can be handwaved away more easily than in others. The premise of the plot was such a basic and extremely familiar one, there was nothing keeping this from being a solid, if not terribly creative entry into the campground slasher genre. But if the author doesn't put in an effort to make it believable it's just a dull parody.

I'm actually way more annoyed with all this than I wouldn't been with the typical two page wonder, given the overall quality of the writing. To the author, all I can say is that you can do so, so much better than this, and I hope you keep practicing and write something that makes the reader want to be drawn in and care about what happens next time.

You put time and effort into this, so I applaud you for that.

The biggest weakness of your CYS is that the plot is severely underdeveloped. Short story games don't correlate to unfinished plots. We shifted characters and the time of the events without much forewarning or cohesion. The premise itself seems like it would make for a decent story, but I felt that the execution wasn't quite right.

I know you said that you didn't intend to take this too seriously, but in my opinion, you should've either gone for a "full" comedic or a serious approach. This "half-way" you have going to pretty strange. The nonchalance expressed by the students, teachers, and parents alike would be okay if the entire story took a comedic approach, but it doesn't. Oh, he/she died; tragic.

Finally, I felt that the ending was quite abrupt. We go from the bridge being cut off straight into a car shooting out of a clearing to psychopathic son. Then again, maybe this is part of your "not too serious" idea.

4/8. You can write, no doubt. Work on your plot development. If you plan on continuing, I look forward to your next work.

Hmm, to be kind…A for Effort…👍🤔👍

the switching between perspectives was hard for me to follow, so i couldn't really understand the story too well :/

For my first experience with this genre, I loved it! The deaths were creative and unique, and while the characters were underwritten (especially the villains) the overall experience was worth it. Great job!

If it had a clearer ending, I would have given it a 7. I don't know if I won or lost.

I loved the story, but I wish there was more. The only problem was there were some grammar errors that you had to pause and look at ruining the mood. It also took a little to adjust to the change of characters, but in the end it was amazing and I hope for more things like this.

The writing is pretty good, I'll give it that. But the story is borderline annoying. Your POV changes several times, and it doesn't really make sense who the people are. You don't really know why they're there, and the plot doesn't really make sense. Also, the total lack of empathy of the characters is really disappointing. Someone dies and none of the other people care. They react at all. Also, the killer in the story seems really lame, and the entire premise is illogical, at best.

What the hell was this? Short and mediocre at best.