World Wars: Beach Landings

Spoilers Ahead

Well, I came up with this storygame, and you don't even have to play this: I will explain everything for everyone. So, without further ado, Here are my thoughts:

Plot: 1/8
The plot is almost nonexistent. It's about this soldier that goes into combat on a beach. Then, he dies. That's it. The plot is so uninteresting, and the author does not explain the setting at all. What 'World War' are we talking about? Is it WW2? WW3? The Russo-Ukrainian War? I need some background information in this topic.

Characters: 1/8
The only character we hear about is the protagonist. The author does explain a little about how he's feeling at the moment, but that's about it. No character development at all in the story. Somehow, he has a letter that he reads at the beginning of the story. The story does not explain who wrote this letter, and what connection they could have to the protagonist. The lack of detail in this story makes my brain cells commit suicide one by one.

Grammar: 2/8
The grammar here is also a problem that interferes with the topics mentioned above. The first page has an informal register that ruins the somber tone of the rest of the storygame. The overuse of commas makes the story feel like an eternity. The spacing of the lines are also a problem I've seen frequently in storygames. Also, that author does not explain any of the text in italics. Is it his own thoughts? Is it a flashback? It drives me crazy.

Gameplay: 2/8
There is branching in this story, but is extremely disappointing. For example, the option to either use a gun or throw a grenade has no effect whatsoever to the story. Also, the endings are very similar. Very disappointed.

In conclusion, this storygame is just a pile of bullshit. It doesn't explain anything, the grammar is bad, and the branching is just upsetting. I would rather get kicked in the balls than read this. I surrender, just end this war.

Final Rating: 1/8

I see potential in the theme of this storygame, but I feel it wasn't done as well as it could have been.

First of all, it was incredibly easy to get to the 'true' ending, and in fact I managed it in one go. Props to you for making it so more sensible choices resulted in progress and the opposite true for reckless decisions, but I felt this was too true in this game. For example, it's very obvious that you shouldn't, as a lone footsoldier in an exposed area, try to shoot at heavy machine gunners behind solid cover. It's clearly better for survival to get behind cover yourself.

I always hate those 'east or west corridor' kind of choices when the author gives no indication of any difference between them. Your left or right side of the crate thing was no exception. On top of that, the player's decision had absolutely no effect on the story. There were other choices where I felt it should have branched off into different paths due to different things happening but they led you through the same path. More branches would have been nice.

I agree with Fazz and I didn't really feel anything when the protagonist died at the end. You rushed pretty much straight away into action with no stories to tell about the other soldiers, although you mention that they did have their own stories. There was at least some story for the protagonist, but I think you could have done with developing the soldiers' backgrounds more. I did like the way you wrote parts of the letter in between the main story but I can't help but feel it would have been more powerful had we gotten to know the main character more.

Your writing style is pretty good and you were fairly descriptive. There was the odd part where I did question your choice of words, but overall it was well done in this aspect.

Another storygame for this could be good but I would want you to improve upon this one.

Eh. Kind of iffy, I feel as though more effort could have been put in.

Well, here is the first problem: I just read a storygame, in which a heroic soldier died in one of history's most famous onslaughts, yet, I didn't shed a feeling about the protaganist at all. He had friends/family back home, and he was leaving them behind, he took wounds, he died, it just didn't affect me at all. I think you need to amp your character development. You need to build onto the character, show what they are feeling. Thinking. Not just, "You walk over there and shoot a dude,", no, please make sure to make it so that the reader FEELS like they are the protaganist, flesh 'n' blood. Instead of me going "eh," when the protaganist dies, you should make me feel something. That's the key in character development.

Character development isn't al about YOU (protaganist), keep in mind, it is also other people. So, instead of reffering to your fellow soldiers as "comrades" or "brothers", you could describe them and such etc.

Going with this, the writing could also be perfected. It wasn't the worst I've seen, no, but I definently felt that it could be worded, written, and described better. So, instead of "You ran up to the dude and shot him," you could sculpture out the scene and paint images in the reader's head, as well as facturing in the protaganist's own thoughts.

If you are going to write a historical story like this, I think you should do some research on World War II, specifically Normandy Beach. We just have a unranked soldier running around, shooting people, dodging machine gun fire, and breaching out bunkers. I'm 100% sure that is not how Normandy Beach went down. I haven't done research in Normandy Beach, because that's your job, but I remember this old game called Call of Duty 2: Big Red One. Anyways, there was this one Normandy Beach mission, and it had you with a SQUAD as (INSERT RANK HERE BECAUSE I FORGOT) while you cleared out machine gun nests.

The point I'm trying to make is that you should, in order to make your story //that// much more realistic, incorporate actually happenings from Normandy Beach into this story. For example, I'm completely sure that each soldier was in some sort of unit or squad, not just walking around, by themselves, clearing out bunkers. That doesn't seem realistic at all.

4/8. Consider these, man.

And I'm supportive of this as well, although the final present. should be better.

BAD!

Big Fat Cheater

It's a really good, but short story. It could do with a little more choices. I really look forward to the next in the series! Keep up the good work!

Wow! Its better than homework! (I dont do homework.)

I like the topic but you could have made it a multiple ending story.

SPOILER So my character is meant to die? I can't figure any way around it.

This was a good read, wish there was a bit more story and it wasn't so linear.