Your curse your problems

Overall: This story has potential, but needs a shit ton of work.

Characters: There’s only one actually character, and he seems… bland.
1/8

SPAG: 1/8

Branching: The second page has five options. This is good. They DO go to different paths. However, every single path is short. This is bad.
2/8

Plot: There is a plot. It’s not a particularly good one, but it’s a plot.
3/8

Bonuses: nah

Total: The total score comes to 1.33 and so on, so 2.- and that’s generous.

**other comments**
The title doesn’t really set my expectations very high. Typically words in a title are capitalized (minus articles like a, and, & the). There are exceptions, of course, but I feel as though this shouldn’t be one.

>After school you take your normal path home aka the long route.
This sentence is also not a good start. Comma after “home”, at the very least. Some people would say there needs to be a comma after “school”, but I’ve been told that’s not required. Also, I’d suggest not using “aka”. But, if you really want to use it, one way to make this look better would be: “After school you take your normal path home, aka “the long route”.

The paragraphs don’t NEED to be indented, but it’d be better.

>Finally their leader a master manipulator named Lucius.
This is a sentence fragment, and also bad. I would suggest a comma after “finally” because it’s a lead-in. I’m sure there’s a fancy word for that; ask Gower if you care. Also, it’s not necessary in that case but it feels better. For sure though there needs to be a comma after “leader”. Then there needs to be a verb in the sentence.

The ends of quotes need SOME kind of punctuation. If the quote would end in a period, add in a comma. Dialogue tags are never capitalized.

>This girls not taking no for an answer looks like your going together
End punctuation. Also, bad.

^^all of this is from the FIRST PAGE, and I tried to only give one example of every mistake. There were many, many more.
I’m not going through every page in this way. Do better.

I was expecting this story to be worse than it was considering the ratings, but honestly, I've seen worse than this. I am not saying that it's perfect because it is nowhere close to perfect, but I do think I have some redeeming qualities.

First off, and most importantly. Be confident and serious about it.
And what do I mean by this you ask?
For example, You say, Even in your title, that you are not confident in your work. You have to be confident when you post a story and not make excuses like "It's my first time, so I'm sorry" Nah man you have to own it.

And what I mean about the serious bit is that you using slang, and childish words in your writing. I understand that this is what it's about but you have to make it sound better than that if you expect people to fall in love with your story. For example, instead of "AKA" which I have seen plenty of times you can use "Which" Or "Known as" You don't need to have slang in a choose your adventure story unless that is the point. And I do not see that working here.


Secondly; You need to have proper punctuation. This is a dealbreaker for good stories. If you don't have proper punctuation then it all is ruined. Another thing I noticed was the lack of spacing in the paragraphs (and the formatting was off)

Overall The story is not great disregarding the bad punctuation. For a score of 3/8!

Hi just so you know the "loved it" comment was from my dad he was using me account

Rat 4 ever

loved it