Player Comments on Albus Potter:The next Generation Year 1

Wow, this is bad.

I mean, this must have been written by someone very new to creative writing. I think the moment that made me face palm the most was right after Albus had the dream, and his dad sends him this note:

"Dear Albus,

This is Harry. I wanted to let you know I had a weird dream last night. It was about Voldemort. With two people, only one was described as Goyle, Draco Malfoy's old friend. If you are experiencing anything, let me know.

With care, Harry."

This is the most hamfisted possible way you could deliver this information. Clearly the author wanted us to know that Harry had this dream at the same time Albus did, but didn't care about delivering it in a plausible way. For crying out loud, he writes to his son like he writes to a business associate! This is really terrible, no father would write like this to their son.

There are many moments like this that strain credulity. It's incredibly amateurishly written, and the dialogue is really bad, that's the only thing I can say.

This story game is rife with typos, to the point that it is distracting and irritating.

It kind of seems that the author gave up halfway, because when introducing one of the villains, Gregory Gref(wow, you put a lot of effort into that name, it definetly doesn't seem completely derivative of Gregory Doyle), the author just puts, "One day there was a new kid a son of one of the greatest wizards. He was seventeen and was moving on to finish school in Hogwarts. He came right up to Albus. They started talking." There's no mention of any reason why Gregory decided to be evil, and the twist that he would be evil can be seen a mile away.

The choice at the end of which spell to use was ridiculously obvious, and at that point, I was just waiting for the story to end. The worst part was, the story told you what the correct spell to use was, and yet, it doesn't even matter because all 3 result in the same, lazily written outcome. Good god!

Positives:

The writer is familiar enough with Harry Potter mythos.

There are few moments that bring me back to the actual series in a good way, and that was nice.

I don't want to be too harsh on this because this was made with good intent and written by someone who clearly loves Harry Potter, but I highly recommend that you improve the story.

I'm going to give this a 2/8, please rework this story and take my feedback into account.

This is absolute garbage. Your storygame is inaccurate, badly written, and stolen. I really want to get this unpublished, as I've seen many stories that you stole ideas from, so that's not even really your storygame at all.

Normally, I'd save the grammar stuff for the end, but I'm going to bump it up this once, because this was bad. Everything's wrong, the spelling is wrong, the grammar is terrible, and it absolutely kills the storygame, before you ever release another story, proofread it, and then have someone else proofread it, because you obviously have very little writing experience.

As stated above, the ideas were stolen. Somehow, though, you managed to still mess it up by writing it so badly that I wanted to just quit after the first two pages. Nothing about the storygame drew me in, and it honestly got worse from there. There's hardly any plot, and the writing is very choppy and confusing to read at some points. There was no flow; nothing really good at all.

It's too short as well. Rowling wrote each book in several hundred pages, and a few even ventured toward 1,000 pages, so this falls well below acceptable. This honestly deserves a 0/8, but I can't even give you that. On a final note, I hope you never planned on writing a sequel to this crap. 1/8

YALL THIS WAS WRITTEN BY A 15 YEAR OLD IN 2007 STFU!!!!!&& this shit is Finn af I’m having a blast you take this shit too seriously like no shit it’s not great it was written by a 15 year old in 2007 💀

“April time”

I really couldn't bring myself to get that far in so maybe it gets better (Based on the other comments it certainly doesn't) so don't trust my opinion on this. Overall, it was pretty bad. The speech wasn't separated properly making it hard to read and make sense of (The lack of proper punctuation didn't help either), the characters just felt off and the incorrectness of the sorting ceremony really stuck in my head the entire time.
Don't recommend but I might just be being overly judgy.

Unreadable. And that’s not just because it’s Harry Potter fanfic.

This story was very linear. I don't think any choice made had a significant effect on the storyline/ending.
This was written before the Cursed Child, though, so there's that.
Overall needs a lot of work, especially with speech marks.

I feel sick. Was this supposed to be original? There's already a book about Albus Potter in his first year!(It's technically a play but that doesn't matter)The dialogue was poorly written and the rest was just...bleh.

1/10 I wish I never read it.

This is such a bad story I love it

Good. Could be more story like though. Other than that, it’s very good.
Well done, author. I know that lots of people are saying it’s bad, and that it can be hard when people say that about your story. But I think it was amazing.

~ Astoria Luna Granger Tonks

This is an absolute shit stain.

Bad spelling and punctuation, poor quality fanfic

not bad

Not terrible. Great if you want to know more about Albus. Not bad. You should do some on other stories.

meh

awsome game

I hate it you bitch

It was bad

Ok first off don't listen to anyone who says its 'not what happened' because this isn't supposed to be according to the cursed child (which who's plot isn't even that good anyway i don't know why people consider it canon) almost every one of these are supposed to be a new storyline that you've never seen before which makes it fun!

And I do have to admit the grammar and spelling is pretty bad but COME ON it's not like they misspelled every word! And can you people not understand what they were trying to say? Obviously the author probably knows about the errors and will fix them in later stories. The spelling errors and grammar aren't that big of a problem unless you're literally two and can't understand what the author meant

The plot line of Draco trying to become the dark lord could ACTUALLY have happened if you think about it so idk why some people are upset with that. I'll admit the plot does have some holes and moves kinda fast but was I expecting an entire book? No so I'm not that upset with the plot seeing how it is much more lengthy than other stories I've read.

Overall this was super fun to play its just missing a few elements but if you're going into these stories expecting for it to be like a published book you're crazy. Everyone who leaves bad reviews are just whining over grammar and because they liked the cursed child and were upset that this wasn't it to a tee. This was very fun and I loved playing it. I can't wait to see what the author does next now that they have everyone's not so nice and not so constructive criticism. From now on I hope that everyone can actually leave criticism with the intention to HELP the author with their next adventure. ??

It's very inaccurate but is longer than most stories and I don't count the cursed child as cannon anyway. Some parts were very sudden and missed key events that could lead up to it. But overall I really liked playing it

This is absolutely horrific and I can't see why you wrote it.
No development of characters, nothing at all. What a waste of bloody time! Don't bother playing this.

Very poorly written, bad spelling and grammar. Seriously, have you even read the books? 1/8 totally not worth my 10 minutes.

1/8.

First, you had bad spelling. 'The clocked man.' Second, you can't 'become the Dark Lord'. Third, there was no real story, personality, anything. Fourth, please un-publish this. Let someone proof read and edit it for my sanity. Fifth, this is just a bad game in general.

Alright this is nowhere NEAR as good as HP, that is to be expected though. I didn't like this story, but I didn't hate it. The choices ended up at the same places no matter what and the sorting hat was just all messed up. Good try, but ended bad. 3/8

It was a really short game,miss more choices,character development...quite disappointing!

I was confused

This was TERRIBLE! I don't think you read the books or even watched the movies. The plot made absolutely no sense, the characters had no development (some of them shouldn't or couldn't have even existed like Kellen), and the made up spell names were ridiculous. I normally give the author the benefit of the doubt but I sincerely hope this is removed. I hope you never publish a story again. I clicked through all the options on multiple pages to see the replay ability of the game and they all led to the same exact thing. Or, they led to a page with just a name changed but the remainder was the same as the other options. Just terrible. Note to people wanting to check this out: DON'T! Please don't waste your time on this trash "story."

I wasn't even paying attention by the end.
It dragged on. It didn't give you much of a choice, the grammer and spelling is horrible. Lot's of errors plot-wise and backround-wise, makes me ponder whether you read the books at all.
I'd advise you proof-read your games next time. I also advise you reread the books. Good day.

I APSLOTLY LOVE IT!

its badly written I'm soo sorry I don't really do this but it was bad

At least read some of the books before making a fanmade story on the Harry Potter Series. If not all, you should have at least read Cursed Child. And even if you did not want to read the books, a quick san of the Harry Potter Wiki by Wikia - www.http://harrypotter.wikia.com/wiki/Main_Page - reveals your lack of basic Harry Potter knowledge.

Here are a few of your glaring mistakes:-
- Albus is a Slytherin, not a Gryffindor.
- The Sorting Hat works by a very different mechanism.
- Scorpius Malfoy never trash talked about Harry, rather he was an admirer of Harry Potter.
- Albus sat with Scorpius on the Express, not with Rose.
- The Black family is extinct in the male line, it continues in the female line through the descendants of Bellatrix (Lestrange), Narcissa (Malfoy), Andromeda (Tonks), the Weasleys and the Potters. Thus, Kellen Black should not exist.
- And for that matter, who is Kellen Black's aunt and uncle?
- Severe Grammatical Errors

There must be several more, but I lost interest after the first 2 pages.
This could have been far better if you had done your homework.

No,no,no,no
READ THE BOOK....NOW!
Plz you are embarrassing her,you are embarrassing JK ROWLING FOR GOD'S SHAKE

Now this was great! It has a great storyline keep up the great work!

Nice!!!!!!!

It wasn't very accurate. Albus is a Slytherin and is good friends with Scorpius (Apologies if this did change later on in the story. I kinda started skimmjng through it). The Sorting Hat does take background and preferences into account but certainly wouldn't have based it all on history.

The grammar and punctuation needed work, but other than that it was okay.

With a little corrections and work it would be better ;)

The game is awesome but it spoils the books and movies

It doesn't go flow, doesn't make sense together, story line is messed up, but it could get better. Wrtiting isn't structured well

This was not a good game. After a bit I ended up skipping through most of the writing, the story was dull, the grammar was incorrect, the ideas were stolen, unoriginal, and even half the Harry Potter facts were incorrect. Why would you write a storygame about Harry Potter if you don't know half the facts?

The storygame is full to brim with spelling mistakes and the whole story is an ugly, choppy mess. The some of the ideas for the story were stolen, as I read a fan fiction on another site with some similar events, which lowers your rating even more than usual.

I was practically dieting of boredom, and I really have nothing good to say about the storygame. The whole thing is terrible, and how it has a rating of four amazes me. My only thought is that people really like Harry Potter and boosted the rating because they really loved it and want to see more Harry Potter books.

Please understand that there is no need to rush a game. There is no deadline, no time limit, nothing that causes you to have to publish shit on the website. In the future,I see this quickly falling to a one and then deleted.

cool game dude whens next one

Nice! I really liked how at the end, no matter what spell you used, you didn't die! Or, well, " albus" didnt die.

good but less choices and when the next part will be made

There were a lot of grammar and spelling errors, and at times I wasn't sure what was dialogue and what was not.

That was great!! More!!

the story was heavily rushed

It's good and should have a sequel

I survived! Great job. Is there gonna be another one? :3

Boring, u have no choice

I can't even think of where to start. First of all, Harry HATES the Ministry, that's not how the sorting hat works, you don't get choices on your schedule, listed there, you don't get divination until you're a 3rd year, in the situation with Kellen and McGonagall, McGonagall would know what to do. Also there were lots of grammar/spelling errors and you weren't clear about a lot of statements.

Its Cool Develop It more If you could use advanced stporygames it would be top :)

Really cool!!!

bad grammer

make a sequel this one is so good you should make a sequel please

I love Harry Potter and doing stuff like this is really cool however the story line isn't great whoever u r I could write a base line story send it and u could do all the technical decision things ?????? With out meaning to sound like a wierdo

was very cool keep it up

It was good, however you should develop the story more. You often left out important detail, but included random stuff (like Christmas dinner). There were a few inconsistencies in the story versus the books, and Harry saved Draco's life. And after that the Malfoys ran from Voldemort. At the end the story felt rushed. However, it was fun and creative! Thank you for giving me a fun few minutes of my life!!!

Horrible grammer and inconsistent to the books and beyond, one major thing that stuck out was you seemed to make Scorpius an ass-hole but hes not supposed to be.

I found some grammar mistakes but otherwise, :) awesome!

AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!

A lot of the stuff is kind of made up and some of the basic concepts of harry potter are forgotten

It was ACTUALLY alright. Alot of spelling errors. Personally a book like this should go into alot of detail and not be hurried through to just tonget it finished best hp fan story out there but n
needs major improvement. Alot of work goes into these story's. I could tell by the end you just wanted to be done with it. Email me back if you want fufurther input.

You made up spells just aren't cool. The plot is all over and its a bad exuse of a story.

make it longer

This game seems like an excuse for a story. Really no plot, made up spells, and junk like that is just not cool. Definitely not going to read that again.

Loved it! Quite confusing, but Albus is a cool charecter.

This was an Ok storygame. Needs a little bit of work.

KEWL!!!!!!!

Not the best and so work on a better story line

Despite what others said, this is a really good story. Great job!

I love harry potter! But I got so bored with this, that I ended up randomly picking until I got to the end! It was horrible and dragged by so slowly!

Very poorly written.

I liked the concept, but it was terribly written, i the plot was bad. Many details were incorrect, and half the time i didn't know what was going on.

not exactly accurate but pretty good.

Could have been written better. Good game though.

such crap... wow it was written by a 10 year old or something

it was ok

Yer my name says all. Harrry Potter fan fic.......

I think it was an enjoyable story. i have always loved Harry Potter and wondered what happened to his son. All and all good

Learn To spell and also this makes no sence but fairly good

It was mediocre. I saw the potential for a good story, it just never quite made it. You could also work on your grammar and spelling a bit. 5/8 for trying to continue the Harry Potter series :)

Ugh. What was that?! Really, I just wasted 5 minutes of my life for this. The grammar is bad, the plot is bad, heck, even the plot twists are bad. Not saying that there are many plot twists. Bad, bad, bad story. Ugh.

*Sigh* Not so good

BAHAHAHAHAHA! This is unintentionally funny. And cringe-worthy. But still.

woah 6/8

Okay, but you made a lot of mistakes with canon, and it wasn't very. . . fun.

The choices I made had no effecct

I liked this a lot. I miss reading Harry Potter. I would love to see a sequel :)

This is terrible. Everyone knows Draco and Harry weren't on the worst terms after the war- even starting something that resembled a friendship. Also, why make Albus a Gary-Stu and Scorpius the weak pathetic bad guy. One more thing, the ending was staged. No matter which of the three choices you selected, you won. I don't think you can recite the same spell three different ways and still get the desired effect.

Where to start... I can tell that there was effort put into this game in the beginning, but as the story progressed it seemed to get more rushed and less interesting. The plot was predictable and boring; the poor grammar and sentence structure made it difficult to understand which dialogue belonged to which character. The endings were the most anti-climactic of any choose your own story that I've read. With that said, I did finish the story, which should count for something.

if your planning on making another one, make it more longer and make the twist harder to figure out. other than that it'll be awesome!

big fan of the books you did good but the next one has to have a more fullfilling story line

hhmm . I think there were some unneeded choices in that . Like when you pick the teacher to talk to or the spell to use , it had no effect on the story .

I think you have a really good story. But you need to work on your grammar! It was really distracting with all the quotation marks- I wasn't sure when one person stopped talking and the next began. Also spelling and other general grammar needs to rechecked too. Another helpful tip I think would make this story even better is to add more descriptive words. Instead of saying "he said", say something like "he whispered". Make it feel more like a story and add more details. I think it would have been a much more enjoyable playing experience if you broke this up into the different seasons so that you wouldn't feel so rushed (and longer with the added details). You have a great idea here so keep working on it!!

Interesting plot, but a bit too straightforward and easy to win though

If J. K. Rowling wrote a book with this story in it, it wouldn't sound anything like this. Sorry.

Well, the options didn't really matter. I guess you can say this is more of a story. It was a nice try, but try to elaborate more. Provide extravagant details that can help to picture the scene or explain more distinctly of what is going on.

I can tell you spent a lot of time on this, but you do not have much talent for writing.

This is somewhere between bad, horrible, and stupid.

Not feature worthy. Not a CYOA. The title itself is a freakin spoiler. I doin't understand why it's featured. Please don't send me a thousand messages asking me why I hate you. I don't hate you. I just didn't like the game.

Definitely a strong effort. I have some difficulty with fan-fiction, especially Harry Potter, because Rowlings is such a great writer, so any attempt to extend her story would be difficult for even the best writer, much like Asimov's grandson messing with the Foundation Trilogy. Still, it was imaginative so I gave you a good rating. Minor spelling/grammatical errors that could be easily remedied. If you could apply this imagination to a unique story I think you'd do really well! Good job.

I don't know what to say.
Its clear you put a lot of love and effort into this, and it was fairly enjoyable to read through.
On the other hand NONE of the choices make any difference at all (for an adventure game this is a big no no, you could at least hav them effect interactiosn with characthers later or something, preferbly having them effect which ending you could get), the ending was really poor (its clear you were getting tired, and it is a long game. You should simply take a break and come back later, maye days later. Better than producing something beneath you), and you didn't proofread.
Still an enjoyable enough game and I look forward to seeing more of your work

It's pretty good, and an idea, and can see this developing, but you need to improve your grammar and punctuation in this storygame. It also needs to be written with a little more effort. It was rushed, or at least looked that way, in many places, for example: "They talked for a while and then Albus said, "I'm going to kill you".

Well done on making a storygame, though, it's always great to read new stories. You had me intrigued to what happened next and I can tell you really thought about the storyline in this and how it weaves in with everything. Well done.

Good, but if you check the back of the book he asks his dad why everyones staring at him. Kind of weird how I remembered that, eh?
6/8

Plus: Very strong beginning, lots of choices, lots of length, an in-depth fanfic that shows a lot of knowledge of the HP world.
Minus: Toward the end, started to feel rushed- more mistakes/ less words-- as if you were trying to hurry up and get it over with, lots and lots of unattributed dialogue incorrectly parsed made it hard to tell who was saying which lines sometimes.
Overall-- very good effort!

I didn't really like the story much, but it's obvious you put a fair bit of effort into it and there is definitely replay value. 5/8

+.+ Incredible! Great story with enough choices to have a good replay value. There were very few grammar mistakes; understandable. One of the best Fan Fics out there. Nicer that nice job!

I'm working On Albus Potter 2 right now. There will be more characters, and more deaths.

good writing, well organized pages, decent length, strong effort. good work ipod, however, i expect this amount of effort to continue.