Player Comments on His Smile

Right. This felt a little more like a caricature of a story rather than a real one, mainly because you wrote pretty decently but crammed it all into so few words!

3000 isn't too bad, but there's a fair amount of branching (even if it is shallow), so the story ends pretty much instantly apart from one option! Most of the others kind of covered this, and I'm no expert on writing romance by any means, but you really need to develop the characters and get the reader attached to them. That takes a little more time and effort, and it can be quite hard to do it in an interesting way I'd imagine. Still, you do seem pretty competent at writing, so I encourage you to either unpublish and flesh it out or just write another story that's bigger.

Some of the paths were also just crazy. Like you choose to be friends and then BAM your friendship slowly withers as he starts digging some other girl and you marry his cousin (who, btw, you only find out is rich and lives in a mansion after you marry him. I may be wrong, but most people tend to go to their partner's house before marriage. The fact the MC falls in love with him also makes me doubt it was an arranged marriage or anything!).

As far as mistakes go, I couldn't see any (eh, no space after after ellipses but that's a wobbly rule that comes down to taste mainly), so you've at least gotten proof reading down, the hurdle that trips up about 70% of the stories here pretty badly. This wasn't a particularly bad first story.

3/8

Well, don't know what the author was going for here, but since it's in Love and Dating, I'll assume it was romance. Honestly, since Andrew was my friend I did the natural thing and pushed him on what was wrong, and then he confessed his love in a manner befitting a psychopathic maniac and I got the fuck out of there and friend-zoned the shit out of him.

Second play through, because I decided to be nice seeing as the author doesn't seem to be an ass and looks to be looking to improve, I said nothing, and then was unfortunately given only the chance to be a bitch to Andrew and whatever her name was, which ended the game, or be a psycho bitch. Being a psycho bitch led to some weird ass scene at Andrew's funeral, which was also weird.

Anyhow, not romantic in the slightest, Andrew just weirded me out. Plus, never been a fan of school games. That being said, the grammer and writing style all seemed fairly decent for a first game, and I genuinely do hope the author isn't pushed away and continues to write.

This was great. One minute I'm talking to this guy about Pixar movies, the next minute I'm inexplicably standing on the roof yelling at this other girl I've never seen before. It just seemed so random and went from one scene to the next like some kind of distorted movie.

There were a lot of branching paths, even though most of them led to the same kind of awkward ending, but the non-linearity itself is a plus.

The characters could certainly have been fleshed out a bit more. I'm introduced to this guy within one page and know nothing about him except that he likes Pixar. That's great and all, but Andrew might be a Pixar fanboy who's also financially unstable with no prospects in life. One of the few good endings I found ends with you watching The Incredibles 2 with him. Well, is that it? Maybe he dumps you as soon as the movie is over. Maybe he's a total jerk and just talks throughout the film. You could also have done something romantic in the movie theatre, maybe, but noooo I'm standing on the roof yelling at Lindsey (which admittedly is much more hilarious).

My favourite ending is where he tries to kiss you, and you tell him that you just want to be friends, and he gets sad, and you kiss him anyway, and then you realise that the simple act of kissing has single-handedly convinced you into wanting a relationship with him, but he suddenly doesn't feel the same way and runs away.

Was decent, the car crash thing escalated really quickly though

It was short but interesting

I loved getting to break his heart and make him die every time :)

This was so rushed and unrealistic that I don't even know where to begin. First of all, your characters have zero personality. They were so bland that I forgot the name of the guy if he even had one, and I read this about 30 seconds ago. You mention something about him changing topics randomly a lot, but that is never brought back up.

Secondly, I'm the kind of person who is really emphatic. Even if it's a bad story, I normally can feel some sort of emotion for at least one of the characters. Nope. Someone died, and if anything I'm glad because he was a weird character.

At least the writing itself wasn't horrible. I suppose this could become a good story if you worked hard enough, but it just isn't going to stand on its own as it is.

it was very blunt, that is all.

This would be fun if I was 9 years old, but I'm not and so the references and actions of the characters were a bit cringey and immature. It also didn't flesh out the characters or story well enough.

I cant read this shit

It was so short... I wish the endings could've been less weird XD

the was rooting-tootin

Kekeke
I went to Hell for marrying his red-headed cousin. Gingers steal both your heart and soul, I guess. XD

Nice! I love all the different outcomes!

so romantic

why is every ending so fucking sad ? are trying to torture your readers ? but i still enjoyed it , i only wish that i can live happily ever after with him.

@ Malkalack

"It's clear that the author hasn't spoken with more than three people who exist out of her virginal imagination."

So...what exactly do you mean by that...?

I feel like this could have potential if it was a lot longer. As it is right now, it's decent and re-playable. Certainly not as romantic as I had hoped for though.

This had some good elements, a hint of insight budding here and there, but it was mostly too erratic to make a cohesive story. I can feel the sense of loss in the tale, and appreciate the tie ins between the title and many of the endings.

It's clear that the author hasn't spoken with more than three people who exist out of her virginal imagination

This will bring you enlightenment and tears. You never see his smile again.

Kinda sad in one ending by really good.

Oh boy, how did I get 10 children and 50 grandchildren?

Anyways, this story was decent, with multiple endings, although it was quite short and not very detailed. It could use more effort.

@ the author

Might be something that's better to make a thread about it you really want to get into it in detail, but CYOAs structured like this one nearly always draw criticism for the lack of legitimate choices, and I can't think of any highly regarded game that doesn't offer at least a few paths that go on longer than one or two decisions.

It looks like you've only rated your own game and one other during your time on the site so that doesn't do much to help me figure out what games you're referring to.

Mizal, Thank you for your thoughts. I did intend for it to have humor so if you found it hilarious, I'm glad. That's what I was going for.

Also, a note to everyone, this was my first story and thus, something of an experiment. I've played a lot of stories on here and learned from those. I tried to make my story similar to them in structure. So, I am confused as to why you are criticizing my story for these reasons when on the other stories I've read that are similar to mine, there are no comments criticizing how they wrote their story.

But I still appreciate your thoughts. This was very informative to me.

Just commenting again to point out that Dini is actually incorrect. The punctuation on the dialogue in this story was fine, which is actually pretty rare and something I should've given the author a pat on the back for.

"We've almost graduated!" you say to Andrew, one of your best friends.

This is all one sentence, so capitalizing 'you' would have been an error.

I liked how many endings there were. I did notice some errors. On the first page, you wrote: "We've almost graduated!" you say to Andrew, one of your best friends. You are supposed to capitalize the y. Overall, the book was entertaining and I enjoyed it. Just look through all of the errors and please fix them. I also wish that you expanded on some of the options.

This story is hilarious, but I think...unintentionally?

I only found one choice that didn't push you immediately to an end, but nearly every interaction you have with this awkward dorky high school friend randomly and LOUDLY declaring his love for you has life altering consequences that have basically nothing to do with the immediate situation. Agree to go on a single date and it jumps immediately from there to an epilogue the night he meant to propose to you. Say you want to be friends, and he dates someone else, and you're told you started dating his cousin and the story implies you're going to hell for it...? Uh. Okay.

It'd be nice having so many endings if the paths were fleshed out more or they were a little more logical. The writing itself is perfectly fine as far as the technical aspects go, it's just the character actions and outcomes become so hilariously dramatic it's hard to take them seriously.