Nautilus

- - Quick Review - -
I don’t know what CavusRex implied this story didn’t have many choices. I personally think he did a great job with making this an interactive and playable storygame. This was a very nice story about two brothers, a dying father, and a family ship. It has a nice theme and does well to teach the reader a lesson about what’s important. I would recommend this short story, especially if you enjoy brotherly relationships, are holding a grudge, or like fishing.

FISH SPOIL VERY EASILY. ALSO, GO READ THE STORY YOU CHEATER

- - Highlights - -
This story starts out very strong with a detailed intro page to set up the story. In my opinion it adequately got my attention and described the situation without revealing later events.

As I mentioned, this story is very detailed. From the Nautilus ship itself, to the father’s condition, to the event of sailing the ship with the brother. The details really helped me get into the story.

The characters in this story were very unique and well-developed. The brothers were somewhat foils of each other; with the mc being the elder, wiser, adventurous brother and the younger being the loyal, younger, bitter, stubborn brother. These two characters play nicely off each other and really play a huge part in the story. Then of course there’s their father, who is sickly, yet experienced, wise, and caring. It’s obvious that he loves both his sons and wished he’d gotten to see the mc more over the past eight years and truly just wants to see his sons together with him. These characters and how different they were truly added to the depth of the story and CavusRex did a fantastic job of this.

Another thing that was very well-done was the plot. The author sets up the story and characters quickly, then eases into the action at a natural pace that still fits the story’s length. Then the peak of the action comes soon after, followed by the situation resolving again. The reader at first sees the mc coming to the shore of the coastal village esc place he grew up, and shortly after meets the father and brother and gets a grasp of what’s going on. Then the conflict of the brother’s grudge and who will get the ship arises, immediately followed by the presentation of the contest. Followed by the brothers out fishing and the storm, and then finally the reader either dies out at sea by being stupid or makes it back to the father with various results of who gets the ship.

The story had a good amount of action for its length, following a clear plot structure as I described before. The conflict didn’t feel too easy, and it was fun to try to work my way through it.

Like I said before, this story has a very nice number of options and a few various directions it could go. While it mainly stuck to the main story, it felt alright for this particular storygame since (as CavusRex said) its main focus was story and not gameplay, and he certainly did a great job of making this an enjoyable story.

Something neat I found about this story also was that it taught the reader a lesson. While that theme was explicitly stated more or less, it wasn’t overly pushed and it did feel like it was mostly conveyed through the story itself. Very well-executed feature.

I also liked the two suns giving the reader the hint that this is in another world, especially since later there’s a hint at some lizard people. Somewhat related to that, it’s interesting the implication of a greater power; the father referencing some form of god, the brothers not settling their grudge resulting in literal death whereas settling it makes everything calm, etc.

- - Fish really like stinky stuff, people think it’s bad though… - -
For this story everything negative I have to say is pretty nit-picky, if I had found absolutely nothing that could’ve been improved it would be an 8/8 after all.

I would’ve liked this story more if the brothers had had just a little more time to talk on the boat. After all, this is the part where the reader really gets a chance to see what’s happened over the years and how things are between the brothers/ what different shifts in the brother’s mood happen depending on the reader’s decisions.

A specific error I noticed was a sentence that accidentally got repeated in the first paragraph of the “I regret many things, but not leaving” page.

- - Final Thoughts - -
This is an incredibly well-written story, with deep, unique, interesting characters and an exciting plot. It well suits its purpose of being a strong story, and it nicely builds and shows a nice theme. I look forward to more stories from CavusRex, and maybe more of these brothers’ adventures on the Nautilus? Thanks for the great storygame.

Disclaimer: to the author, take everything in this review with a grain of salt. I’m not a professional writer and only somewhat of a seasoned reviewer. To the readers, this review will contain lots of spoilers, so I suggest you read the storygame first.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

The description begins with an intriguing statement, which likely foreshadows the theme and situation of this storygame. It also introduces the stakes of the storygame: a dying father, a brother who withholds forgiveness, and a prized possession to inherit. Having the quote on the first page seems redundant, so I suggest using it either in the description or the first page, but not both.

Onto the start of the storygame itself. It begins with interweaving setting descriptions with the protagonist’s characterization. Sensory details, like the waves crashing onto the hull and the fields of endless blue sea, adds to the immersion. Every detail, from the way the winds feel, to the scent they carry that evokes nostalgia, further develops the carefully crafted atmosphere. At the same time, the protagonist’s distracted mind often drifts to thoughts about seeing his family again. This portrays the significance of the moment which is to come.

However, I have a slight nitpick. A few sentences are a bit hard to read, which would be improved by adding commas to separate clauses. For instance: “As you peer forward at where the two fields of endless blue meet more people start joining you as they too want to finally lay their eyes on solid ground.”. Maybe I was reading too quickly, but at first, it seemed like the fields of endless blue were meeting more people, which confused me. Adding commas after ‘meet’ and ‘you’ would improve clarity. This sentence would benefit from a few commas too: “A few seconds later you hear footsteps from the other side and then with a creaky groan the doors open.”

Throughout the first page, I like how the plot is building up towards the moment where the protagonist meets his family. Amidst the description of the journey back home, which helps ground the reader in the scene, the protagonist has been anxious and trying to mentally prepare for this moment, shown subtly in a few lines like how he suppressed memories about this place and takes a deep breath before knocking on the door. And when the door opens, the description of the person on the other side focuses on what is familiar and what has changed—this develops the protagonist’s characters and describes his brother in relation to how the protagonist views him. Oh, and it’s a nice touch to end with a choice that reveals this is the brother. Readers would be tempted to see how this build-up pays off.

WRITING STYLE

I enjoyed the juxtaposition in the descriptions of the protagonist’s brother and father. In the former, it focused on what he recognized from the past, whereas with the latter, it emphasized what was unfamiliar. This shows two things: the extent to which the father’s illness has impacted him, and the length of time the protagonist has been away from his family. The father’s stare is reflective of his feelings for his son: “Two rings of deep brown just like yours that take in your whole frame like you’re a statue of pure gold”. It also contrasts the negative view the brother has of the protagonist. In a way, they can be considered character foils.

Note on dialogue: when using a dialogue tag after a line of dialogue, do not capitalize it. Nor do you use a full stop for the end of the character's speech, but you may use a comma, question mark, or exclamation mark. For instance, here’s a corrected version: “Hello, brother,” you say. “I’m back…”

When painting the details of the village and its inhabitants, there’s the constant reminder that the protagonist’s arrival shocks everyone else. They whisper among themselves, casting glances at him, but never addressing him directly.

Worldbuilding details are sprinkled in, from the two suns to the reference to ‘Caritas’, which may be a deity in this storygame. More details about the world are revealed when the protagonist speaks to his brother about his travels. There was a lizard uprising, a desert turned battlefield, and a few fantasy names. I like how the protagonist’s excitement-filled adventures contrast the mundanity of his brother’s life, depending on which one they speak about.

CHARACTERS & PLOT

This story revolves around the strained relationship between the protagonist and his brother. When the protagonist returns, his brother instantly berates him for not replying to a single letter their father sent, only to show up out of the blue now that he is dying. This dialogue is done well, with the brother’s countless questions showing his shock and disbelief.

Here, the unreliable narrator is employed well. The protagonist seems to be the more unreasonable one, as his only defense is telling his brother not to judge him, which doesn’t carry much weight. Perhaps there is more to the story than he wishes to share? Either way, pacing is used to stretch the suspense out, given that their father interrupts this argument and speaks to his sons.

The brother’s anger at the protagonist is justified, as he not only believes he abandoned his family, but there may be hints of jealousy too. Despite how the protagonist abandoned them, their father welcomes him back, tells him to rest, and says, “I truly am glad to have you back, my child”. On the other hand, he tells the younger son—who is concerned about his health and asks him to rest—“Don’t be foolish, boy.”

Readers get the choice to pick the protagonist’s motivations. This occurs when his father asks the important question: is he here for his family or for the inheritance he may gain? No matter what the response is, the protagonist’s brother would not hesitate to use it against him. The father, ever the peacemaker, would attempt to stop this argument.

I liked the part where the protagonist chooses to give up the boat. It feels like the first step towards making amends with his brother, yet the father’s wise words that this was meant to be a lesson for both of them adds another layer to this story. There are two parallel arcs at play—one for the protagonist, and another for the deuteragonist. The only thing is that this ending feels out of place if the protagonist says he’s there for the ship. Then it doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. Perhaps only making that choice available for the other two options would enhance continuity and consistency.

Soon, it’s revealed that the protagonist never sent any letters because he didn’t receive any. Still, unless he had reason to think they never wanted to hear from him again, it’s downright reckless to ignore family for months. I’m siding with his brother here. Perhaps that’s one of the flaws of this storygame: readers are able to relate more with the deuteragonist (and possible antagonist, as he is the obstacle that prevents the protagonist from achieving his goal) in this story. His feelings of betrayal and anger are portrayed well, as he has done everything for his father, stayed behind to care for him, only to possibly have his inheritance snatched away from him by the brother who abandoned them. Not to mention that depending what responses the reader picks for him, the protagonist could be a bit of a jerk.

Their dynamic is fun to read about. One of my favorite lines is: “Why do you have to make this so hard?” He sighs. “I’d much rather you were a selfish asshole than this-” It shows how the brother cares about him, and when he gives nuanced answers, it’s difficult to villainize him, which goes against what he has done the past few years. In a way, villainizing someone to heal from what they put you through is a coping mechanism. So, when that belief is challenged, it makes it hard to wrap your head around the fact that they’re not the person you’ve imagined them to be. If the protagonist says he regrets leaving, the brother admits that there’s a chance of reconciliation. Delayed choices are implemented well—depending on the choices picked during the conversation with his brother, he may choose to either accept his help or argue with him about it.

Oh, I like how the two suns represent the two brothers. They shine brightly in the scene where the protagonist works with his brother to pull out a fish, and as the storm hits, the quote at the start becomes literal too. The sons (suns?) made it through the storm due to killing their grudges. It’s a heartwarming scene regardless of whether they both claim the ship or the protagonist gives it to his brother, and the father seems to know the truth. He thanks his son for his character growth. The only slight issue is that the brother seems to have forgiven the protagonist a bit too quickly, especially since 8 years to nurse a grudge is a really long time. Maybe something more drastic—like a life-saving moment—or several shared moments where they get closer to one another might make this more believable.

The endings where they fail to overcome their grudge leads to literal death in the storm. There are a few others with a lesser level of ‘success’ at fixing their broken bond, such as the one where they both agree to head home and the brother says that repairing their relationship is a work in progress. And them leaving the sea behind may be a metaphor for walking away from their problematic past, for a moment, at least.

In conclusion, despite this being a shorter storygame, it doesn’t feel incomplete. The dynamic between the two brothers felt realistic and emotional, and I liked the recurring motif of overcoming grudges in the face of a storm.

The introduction is very strong- it’s wordy, descriptive, and informative, setting up the reader for the rest of the story nicely; as well as the main conflict, which is a pretty interesting one. Two brothers with conflicting views and values, reunited in the midst of a loved one’s health crisis- it was enough to make me immediately curious about the ways this could unfold, which is obviously really good for branching stories.

The focus of the story is in its characters moreso than the setting or fishing contest itself. You’re introduced to them quickly and they’re also quick to establish their personalities.

The Protagonist: One benefit of the first handful of choices being dialogue options is that you can effectively shape the main character’s personality a bit. You quickly get the impression that you’re playing as a bit of a flake- would it be so hard to answer one letter in eight years? Gosh.

The Brother: Angry and bitter, and perhaps with a right to be, is the brother. Like I already said, I find his conflict with the protagonist to be very interesting, and whether or not his hateful attitude is justified depends on the choices you make, really. He does raise a pretty good point early on about the timing of the protagonist’s return and how he probably just wants to inherit the family ship, especially because you have a choice to immediately prove him right. He’s probably the best character, I found him to be a pleasant and honorable opponent once we were out on the water.

The Father: A very withered and boney fellow indeed, I like how the father’s forgiving personality contrasts that of the brother’s. I do wonder if he’s forgiving by nature, or if him knowing he’s at the end of his rope has anything to do with it. He’s also clearly out of his mind because the method he suggests for deciding who gets to inherit the Nautilus is such a recipe for a good ol’ brotherly murder.

The description is very accurate in saying that this is a lot more story than game. Each playthrough is a pretty good length, with the ending sequences really being where most of the true branching is.

Miscellaneous Good Things:
-The greatest KAE/CYS crossover storygame of all time!

-The (already mentioned) descriptions are nice, particularly the ones in the introduction that detailed the watery horizon and weathered fishing town.

-An appreciated variety of endings!

Miscellaneous Bad Things:

-CavusRex is allergic to commas.

Overall, this was a good entrant into the Gone Fishin’ contest (was that seriously 5 months ago!?), and I hope to see more from you in the future!

Ah boats... I do like boats. As boat stories go this one was pretty good, though the story was quite short and didn't seem to develop significantly, I think this could have been taken in a lot more directions. The characters and their relationship were interesting but I think this story could have been expanded on. A good read.

Not bad! The writing was pretty good, and the story was interesting enough. Though, the endings felt a bit rushed, especially with the dialogue.

Ah yes, the ol "offhandedly mentioned two suns", a classic. Nothing more succinct when you want to quickly and easily establish that your historical seeming setting is actually not.

The baseline prose quality is as expected for a guy that's a part of multiple IF communities and working to overthrow CoG. Only a few typos, the most noticeable being the doubled first line on the “I regret many things, but not leaving" page.

The story itself starts out promising, but just sort of feels like it's lacking some oomph. Many choices only effect a small bit of dialogue, and they all start looping once you get out to sea, or sometimes leading to identical pages in addition to identical outcomes. There's basically only two endings once you set out to sea, with some very slight variation in how you get there. From the setup it really had seemed like there'd be more dramatic places to steer this story.


Also, nitpicking perhaps, but it's a fantasy setting, and I'm just not really seeing any reason WHY it's a fantasy setting. Nothing happens here that wouldn't fit the (much less crowded) real world categories besides a few offhand mentions of non necessary background info and yes, the two suns.

Anyway, this was published so early I know the deadline wasn't a factor, so maybe the inspiration well just ran dry. But it's still a pretty solid and decent little piece and far and away the only passable thing that's ever come from the land of KAE.

Ah yes, in a dramatic scene where I choose to betray my own brother, %%CHOICE%=%2%% is the perfect choice of words to match the situation.

The rest was good though. 5/8.

Good story nicely written. No big SPAG issues, although I did catch a few words that were obviously intended to be other things, but the misspelling still almost worked (i.e. now for not).

The relationship between the brothers was interesting to explore and bringing the opening parable back at the end rounds out the story nicely.

Solid writing overall with decent branching and endings, Nautilus does well on developing themes of family, guilt, and fishing in just 9k words. There were some odd sounding bits here and there, but nothing stuck with me that I needed to point out. All in all, an enjoyable quick read.