The Lonely Inn
"Too few ratings to be ranked"
Played 117 times (finished 17)
"March in the swamp"
"A nice jog down the driveway"
"Aren't you a little too old to be trick or treating"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 13. If this were a movie, it would probably be PG-13.
A rather bright orc's misadventures in a haunted inn. This was an entry for the Damned and the SHAMED contest.
It comes as almost a yearly habit that I review Petros' work, mainly because he reviews mine too in a pretty consistent rate. (I believe that I never have reviewed the wrath of the Edomite, but all the others are still up there.)
Very experimental narration Petros. I don't know what kind of vibes you want to go for but somehow you made me laugh. (I've also read the author's notes. It turns out I'm right hehehh.)
Comments about route 1:
There is just a kind of lightheartedness about the whole situation. An angry ghost pestering and torturing an orc and all that goodness. The antics are more reminiscent of comedic scenarios rather than than horrifying ones. My favorite shenanigan was honestly the bed option. Making the bedroom so hot that the orc was cooked inside of it and making him afterwards address the reader with such a reproachful tone really does it for me as if he's still breathing and kicking and not being as overcooked as the eggs in a Denny's.
There was also a moment where you pushed the orc into a well where the orc is cursing you out for a full paragraph.
What I really do appreciate is the way you convey the spirit's personality almost solely by the choices you are able to make. Almost all of them feel very mischievous but also very very petty, such as the choice of refusing to give the orc any water vs giving the orc the foulest sewer water possible even by orc standards.
Comments about route 2:
There were still a few things I didn't really get. Most of it comes from the route that leads to the best ending. The uplifted mind really comes out of nowhere in my opinion, I didn't really get the feel that this particular orc was very smart, maybe a bit too calm considering the pretty awful situation he found himself in, but nothing too particularly bright. If he had more brain cells, he would have turned his back the moment the spirit says not to come inside the inn.
The spirit in this route seems to be a lot more benevolent, trying to prevent their master in taking over the orc's body and warning the orc too! Hearing the overarching story in this route surprisingly made the actions of the spirit in route 1 a lot more sympathetic in retrospect. (Poor buddy just wants to start his master's plan and he thought that killing or scaring the orc shitless would be the most efficient method in getting rid of him)
I am pretty meh about revealing the entire backstory with a diary. (Lolol I actually did it too, it's really efficient, I know haha and it helps to clarify things to the reader and relay info quickly. Still, I think you could have added a lot more foreshadowing in the pages leading up to he big diary page so that the reader can feel very clever if they guessed right by figuring it out by puzzling all the clues you've given them.)
I think that this route is a lot weaker in terms of clarity (it took me a few rereads and backtracking to make sense what is happening), but it has more horror elements in it compared to route 1.
I believe the lack of the terrifying feel is mainly because there's not a lot of tension in the story. Through the narration I don't sense any panic in the orc or fear of his own safety. His phrasing feels very blasé and nonchalant to me (perfect for a comedy, not that great for a horror). It also doesn't help that this style of narration makes it feel like the orc is recounting a story to someone else or writing a letter or memoir. (Indicating that he's still alive and unharmed, funnily enough in most of endings he dies in a pretty horrifying way.)
I'm no prose expert, but here is an example of what I'm talking about. The last line with a quip thrown in and again the retelling style. (Telling the spirit that the journey was terrifying or that the strange shadows terrified him or that he panicked)
"Panicking, I raced after you into the woods. The journey from the inn to the river was terrifying. The strange beat that the voices were chanting to was much louder outside the inn, and the long shadows from the trees danced wildly and made ordinary sight absolutely impossible. I saw strange shadows slithering through the trees, and while they terrified me, I paid them no attention because I was infinitely more afraid of you running on ahead of me and getting lost in the woods."
It would probably be for the reader a lot more terrifying if you were to describe HOW and WHAT he DOES and FEEL when he was terrified. I dunno, I'm throwing in cliche stuff out there; when he was panicking: how quick was his heartbeat. Did he stumble. Did he quicken his breath, did it feel like all the air was squeezed out of him? Did he pull at his hair, scratch his arms, question reality? What was he thinking? Did he immediately think that he was going to die.
Honestly you don't have to do all this extra stuff for every tense moment, because it would slow down your story by a lot. However for the scenes that matter, these extra tidbits really help to build up tension in horror stories. (Honestly, you already do a lot in your story. You know, describing the environment, the amount of light, the coldness of the water. The main thing to give it an extra oompf is knowing when or where you can pull out these elaborate descriptions.)
(Of course, you can ignore all of this and look at Sherbet's horror stories again. I don't know how he does it with such sparse descriptions, but the guy does it.)
And the fun part is, I know you are able to do it, because in other passages you do it pretty well, like this one.
"Within a few minutes, I felt pain spread all over my body from the inside out. I felt like I was being stretched from the inside. I could hear my flesh tearing and re-growing inside, while my skin grew even faster, ballooning out and sagging. My body did grow to fill the green casing, however. Suddenly the chains released me. I dropped to the ground and stood to my feet."
And then you quickly ditching all the build up tension by making the orc humble brag during his horrifying transformation lol.
I felt like I could give an ogre a run for his money in an arm wrestling contest. I thought that I might even be evenly matched against some small giants.
It's really a thing I sometimes see here on this site. Believe me. these remarks, very fun, very witty, me like. I like when my media is self aware. However, it can sometimes make your work come of as cynical/insincere when your story is meant to not be a satire. (Marvel also does this stuff all the time now. Having a very heartfelt speech and then one of the characters remarking; wow this is cheesy.) Such things as suddenly breaking the fourth wall in one of the endings doesn't really do it for me anymore after seeing it a bazillion times (especially when there is no narrative/thematic reason for doing so). The monster transformation scène would honestly be a lot stronger if you left out the funny bits. Have faith that readers don't have a big attention deficit.
All in all, I like that you try to do more experimental stuff. It reminds me of me penning down gay and depressed/gay old time, how the narrator addresses the reader and such/or perhaps you stole it just like me from Gower's story lololol. It's a valiant effort, few hiccups, but still very enjoyable, I really enjoyed route 1. Cool to see you again taking inspirations from your southern roots.
I look forward to your next work.
on 11/12/2023 2:26:26 PM with a score of 0
I thought this was nicely written and well done for a shorter story with limited branching. The main character was well done, and I wish that there was more to his story that I could experience.
I wish there were more choices and felt that parts of the story were very linear. However, I thought it was a pretty well done story and found it enjoyable. Nice job Petros.
on 11/9/2023 10:38:47 AM with a score of 0
Show All Comments
Love & Dating
Mystery / Thriller
Puzzles / Games
News & Updates
The Parlor Room
Adv. Editor Forum
Bugs and Problems
Help & Info
Terms Of Service
Who Is Online
97 guests and
version 23.9 | ChooseYourStory © 2001 - 2024, Halogen Studios Entertainment |