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Duel Me

7 years ago

 

I present to the public a humble request. I am in the mood for a direct challenge between two people. Namely, me and the first person to accept this opportunity to duel.

 

The rules are simple. The participants will agree on a time to begin, a genre and a judge. The word count will be 2,500 to 3,000 words. If someone does not reach the word count within that timeframe, then they lose by default. From the time that the duel begins, there will be one day to finish the writing. When that day is up, the judge will decide which of the two pieces is better. 

 

If the mods agree with it, then I'd also recommend wagering points. If I win, then I take your points. If you win then you take my points. The wager will be agreed upon beforehand, and you can only wager points you have. If we aren't allowed to wager points, then we'll have the satisfaction of winning. 

 

So for the official declaration... I challenge one of you people to a duel. I'll only accept one duel at a time. 

 

Duel Me

7 years ago
Only 24 hours to write at least a 2,500 word short story? Seems a little too strict, in my opinion. Maybe extend the timeframe to three days?

Duel Me

7 years ago

I want it to be the original challenge, for reasons of my own. If you want to know those specific reasons then by all means ask, however I'm certainly open to negotiation about timeframe/word count. So if you want to duel me with my above rules, but with an extended timeframe, then I'm down for that. 

Duel Me

7 years ago
Not at the moment, since I'm in two other competitions I need to submit stories for. Once those are out of the way, I might be up for a 3-day duel.

Duel Me

7 years ago

In that case, maybe we'll duel later then.

Duel Me

7 years ago
This is a joke, right?

Duel Me

7 years ago
I'm a slow writer, so no, it's not a joke.

Duel Me

7 years ago

I can be a judge, if no one else offers.

Duel Me

7 years ago

Assuming the challenger is fine with you as a judge, (I'm sure they will be. Unless they have an overwhelming preference for someone else) then I'll be glad to have you on as the judge. Thanks for the offer.

Duel Me

7 years ago

I'll co-judge, because my opinion is best.

Official or not, I'm glad to sit here and be judgemental anyway.

Duel Me

7 years ago

I need an odd number of judges to make sure the vote isn't split. If you can find another person willing to judge, then we'll have a panel of three.

Duel Me

7 years ago

How about mizal? XD

Duel Me

7 years ago

If she wants, @mizal.

Duel Me

7 years ago
Lol. Uh, how about no?

If I was going to be home sooner I might consider it, but the genre being randomly chosen is kind of a deal breaker. I only write stories about things I want to write stories about. So, I'll leave it to Stryker to waste you.


Duel Me

7 years ago

I was referring to being a judge, not a competitor. If you will.

Duel Me

7 years ago
Oh, I see it now.

Still, I'm not sure why a judge is even necessary, unless someone more on your level throws their hat in the ring this is going to be pretty one sided.

Duel Me

7 years ago

Are you volunteering? Kidding. I'm trying to get better, and having a judge tell me why someone's is better than mine will be fantastic to increase my writing skills. 

But are you up for being a judge?

Duel Me

7 years ago
Sorry, but I'm only here as a spectator, and only until I run out of Wi-Fi. Seto would be a good choice though, and he sounded willing.

Duel Me

7 years ago

Alright. Poor Sent though. I guess he'll have to sit this round of judging out. You've got the job @Seto

Duel Me

7 years ago

If you don't mind, I can be a judge so Sent can judge too. I mean, I'm not very good as a writer, but my reading is just fine, and I'd love to see what the members of this place can do (instead of just trying to be edgy).

Duel Me

7 years ago
I think @Bucky might still need a judge for the flash fic contest, maybe you could go and offer your services there as well.

Duel Me

7 years ago

Nah, I'm fine. It's only analyzing two texts, no need for crazy magical engines here.

Duel Me

7 years ago

If you're up for it, then we have our three judges. I'll tag the three when the contest is actually about to begin.

Duel Me

7 years ago

I can stand in if you're short a hand

Duel Me

7 years ago

If Mizal declines then you're in. Now all I need is a challenger. 

Duel Me

7 years ago

Lol, I thought you had a challenger. 

Alright, if no one else steps up as challenger in 7 hours, I'll take that role instead. I'm fine with the 24 hour deadline but I'd recommend that the genre be set by the judge so it's fair to both sides. Also, is 3000 words the maximum?

I'm going offline, it's night here. See ya in 7 hours.

Duel Me

7 years ago

Ok, I'll be glad to accept you as a challenger. The judges can choose the genre. I probably should've put that in the OP post. 3,000 words is the max, because I want the winner to be determined by story quality rather than quantity of words. We'll set a specific time later. When you're back up.

 

Of course, if someone else accepts the challenge before you are up, then the above is nullified until a later date.

 

 

Duel Me

7 years ago

It's official, Stryker is now the challengey man. Now get out there and do something worthy of my judgement!

Duel Me

7 years ago

Gotta wait til we decide an official time. He said he would take the offer up if no one else answered 7 hours from then. So he has taken my offer. Now we actually need the genre start time etc. 

 

@Seto @Lancelot @ISentinelPenguinI

We need you three to decide a genre.

Duel Me

7 years ago

I'm down to compete if you want a more fair challenge.

Duel Me

7 years ago

Might as well turn this into a tournament.

Duel Me

7 years ago

I'm guessing Ebon has a reason for the time frame. I'm fine with there being more than two participants, in which case we'd no longer need an odd number of judges.

@Ebon, ready on your/the judges signal. I can take part if the contest starts in the next 24 hours, after that I may be travelling

Duel Me

7 years ago

At the top of the hour the duel will begin. 

Which means 24 hours from then, both of us will have to have an entry submitted. 

The judges need only say the genre and it will begin.

@beteband I'll duel you next

Duel Me

7 years ago

Looking forward to it.

Duel Me

7 years ago

Why deny Beta a chance to participate if he's up for it? Mexican standoffs are valid duels

Duel Me

7 years ago

Reduces chances of winning for him.

Duel Me

7 years ago

Meh, writing's more about finishing well than winning or losing. I for one would be happy to have more participants, and wouldn't mind a tourney of sorts for one of the monthly challenges if @Bucky is looking for ideas for next month.

Duel Me

7 years ago

In fact, an Order-level tourney could be an interesting way to get more of the Orders active.

Duel Me

7 years ago

I like the idea of 1v1. If I add more people it takes that uniqueness out of it. 

@Seto @ISentinelPenguinI @Lancelot we need a genre

Duel Me

7 years ago

Sorry for the misconstription. Lance and I have come to the general consensus that it should be a mystery-type thing in a sci-fi-type setting, which I guess would make it 2/1 against Seto, wherever he stands. He's probably having sweet sleeps right now, though, so it doesn't matter. He can wake up, fully rested, have a nice breakfast, and then this post will shit on his beautiful morning. Mid-day-anger Seto can't get me from this timezone!

They're both sleeping right now, for all I know, and they're both perfectly free to choke me half to death for any errors I might make. In fact, I'm going to be as vague as I can in describing these genres because holy shit, I didn't know I was even talking to Lancelot that whole time, let alone what the fuck kind of genre we were talking about.

Duel Me

7 years ago

@StrykerL @EbonVasillis @Betaband

Get your duel on.

Everyone blame Ebon, he gave us the time limit.

Duel Me

7 years ago

 

Duel Me

7 years ago

Assuming you're fine with this, then this duel will officially be about a story in a sci-fi setting, with the central genre being mystery. 

Best of luck Stryker. Post your story as a reply to the OP post for the cleanliness of the thread. 

It's time to duel.

Duel Me

7 years ago

I'm already writing, so I'm good :)

Will reply to the OP within 23 hours.

Duel Me

7 years ago

Am I in the competition then?

Duel Me

7 years ago

You're next, I believe, but not in the current one.

Duel Me

7 years ago

Alright.

Duel Me

7 years ago

I actually love the genre chosen, and have no problems with it. I can't wait to read what you guys write ^_^

Also, the reason I haven't been obsessively watching my notifications like usual can be blamed on three words: Ghost Recon, Wildlands.

Duel Me

7 years ago

By the way, I'm up for wagering 25 points each, winner takes all. If you agree, I'll summon End

Duel Me

7 years ago

Yeah I'm good for wagering 25 points. @EndMaster Is this good with you?

Duel Me

7 years ago

I haven't been following this. Who are all the participants that are betting 25 points?

Duel Me

7 years ago

Ebon and myself, winner by the judges gets 50

Duel Me

7 years ago

Okay, 25 taken from both.

Duel Me

7 years ago

Danke

Duel Me

7 years ago

It's been 24 hours, I think. I'm not sure. If you guys shat the bed, I will be extra judgemental.

Duel Me

7 years ago

Things came up, I'll let Ebon address this when he's back.

Duel Me

7 years ago

Still waiting for your stories, and explanation would be appreciated @EbonVasilis @StrykerL

Duel Me

7 years ago

The site went down a couple days ago, and a couple things happened during that...

1. Neither of us were able to post our stories as the site was down at the deadline and even before that. 

2. StrykerL pmed me to talk about the competition. Namely, he was not able to finish his story. More specifically, he was not able to finish his story within the 2,500/3,000 word limit. Instead he went over. I, by my honor, did finish my story. By the rules, he lost by default. However, since he went over, I had no way to prove I finished the story, and a couple of other reasons, we dedcided to have a compromise. 

3. The compromise is simple. He lost by default, but I don't feel right in taking his points, when he lost because he went over the limit. If he couldn't reach it, then it might be a different story. But I also don't feel right taking his points when I'm not even sure if the story I wrote is even good, because if he had finished, then I might lose. So, we mutually decided that I will post my story, and if it is found worthy of commendation then I will be declared winner. If it isn't, then the duel will be called off, and the points will be returned to their owners. 

Because of this compromise, the judges role will be more minimal, but I still ask that they give feedback on the story. If the story gets commended, but any one of the judges think it isn't worthy of being commended, then the duel will be called off. Conversely, if all of the judges think it is worthy of commendation, but isn't commended then the duel will be called off. We also give rights to the judges to determine the mod that will decide if it is commendation worthy. @Seto @Lancelot @ISentinelPenguinI

 

Duel Me

7 years ago

@StrykerL for confirmation on this, and anything else he wants to add. 

I'll post my story at some point today.

Duel Me

7 years ago

I concur on Ebon about the state of affairs. I also realize that if anyone ever tells me to write a sci-fi / mystery in 3000 words within 24 hours, I'll laugh and leave. The challenges of making consistent sci-fi married with the problem of making believable mystery that isn't spoonfed coupled with a 3000 word limit within a day is just sheer madness. That's not to say it can't be done, but I would have extreme respect for someone who could make a meaningful story under those constraints. If just one of those constraints had been eased, this would have been a simple affair. As it stands, this became a mess.

I'm converting this into a storygame, because the reader is far more willing to suspend disbelief when their actions are what causes the derailment. Expect working title "PATRIOT" to be up in 2-3 weeks, it's related to cybersecurity, police states, and the role of an individual. You're a police inspector in China in the early 2020s for reasons that will become apparent when the story's up.

Additionally, the precedent for any contest where a technical failure prevented fulfillment would be a no-contest under an honor system. However, none of us is hanging by thread over a lava pit and content was created for this challenge, so I'm fine with the chosen path. 

Below: The supporting file for the story (now game) as of the deadline that day 

Duel Me

7 years ago

I would say 3J is to be the mod that determines if the story is commendable.

I find this whole debacle situation kind of funny, to be honest.

Duel Me

7 years ago

To be honest, just post both stories. Going over the word limit is nothing in comparison to working hard to then not being given the chance to show it.

Duel Me

7 years ago

I forgot to mention that Stryker didn't just simply go over his word limit. He's turning that story into a story game. 

Duel Me

7 years ago

Well, then fuck... I think betaband wanted to duel though. I dunno, PM him or something.

Duel Me

7 years ago
The subject picked was an interesting one in theory, but 1.) introducing a sci fi setting 2.) introducing enough characters to make a mystery interesting and 3.) actually writing out the introduction, investigation and conclusion of a mystery would be difficult to do in under 3000 words anyway.

Of course, if they knew the word count in advance I guess it would've been clear a traditional approach wouldn't work and the story would have to jump in at another point.

Duel Me

7 years ago
@Endmaster What do you make of the kind of pussitude on display in this thread? I wish I hadn't passed on judging now, I'd have liked to recommend they both be thrown in a hole.

Duel Me

7 years ago

Once again, I haven't been paying much attention to this thread. The one time I did, it was just to take points away.

So I've decided to just keep everyone's points. That seems fair.

Duel Me

7 years ago

     “So what you're telling me, is that someone hacked into this guy’s Sleeve? Why do I need to know this?” Van asked this impatiently, because as Head of this space Station Security Corps, SSC for short, he didn't have time to deal with such small matters.

 

     He focused his gaze on the Sleeve technician in front of him. He was short for his height, with grey hair and a bald spot at the very top. He wore the typical Station jumpsuit under his lab coat with his translucent Sleeve strapped to his left forearm. The technicians were always required to have their Sleeve showing. 

 

     Van’s partner, Eric, interjected, “Just tell him what you told me.” Van glanced to Eric, and saw he was giving the poor man a compassionate look. It was out of habit that Van and Eric did this routine. Van always made sure to appear rude and presumptuous, while Eric tried to be more compassionate and friendly. It was and offshoot of the ‘Good Cop, Bad Cop’ routine. This was more subtle, and by virtue of that, more effective. 

 

     “She’s a g-girl actually. Well actually my daughter, but that's aside the p-point.” The poor guy had a stutter. Van looked at his name tag discreetly. ‘Steve.’ Van almost laughed out loud, but stopped himself just short of it. Having a name that rhymed with Sleeve had to be horrible for self-confidence. Steve continued speaking, “Lyla came into my office, Lyla’s my daughters name…” he added quickly. “...today at about one o’clock saying she was feeling sick. She does intern work under me at the office. I just told her to her to get her Sleeve to help her. After all it can help get rid of the whatever bug she caught. And all sorts of other things like…” he stopped mid sentence when he caught the contemptuous look Van was giving him. Steve had been about to start rambling again.  “Basically, sh-she, her Sleeve popped up with this message.” 

 

     Steve stopped speaking and lifted his Sleeve to show Van the message. It was a good thing humanity had upgraded from ancient handheld ‘phones.’ The poor guy looked like he wouldn't be able to hold one, for  his arm was shaking so much. Despite this, he deftly slid his fingers  over his Sleeve until a message popped up on the Sleeve’s interface. Steve flicked a finger across the Sleeve and up, and the message appeared in front of Van’s face via holo display.

 

     The word, “WARNING” was at the top in bolded blood red letters. Van scanned the message. There was only a paragraph present on it. 

 

      Also in blood red, “Failure to comply will result in your death.” It was written out to Lyla. As soon as Van read the word death, his demeanor changed entirely. He thought the situation wasn't serious at first, but this message confirmed that it was, in fact, more serious than he had originally thought. 

 

     It continued on, “Your Sleeve has been hacked and is now under my control. Each and every person’s Sleeve is connected directly to that person’s body. As such, the Sleeve monitors heart rate. If someone’s heart rate gets into dangerous levels, then the Sleeve will send a message to the portion of the brain that regulates blood and blood flow. Since your Sleeve is now my Sleeve, I can manually tell your brain to decrease its heart rate until it results in your death.” 

 

     Van paused and turned to Steve, “Is this true?” Van repeated the last sentence he read. Steve answered “Yes” and started to say more, but Van tuned him out. ‘Yes’ was all he needed to hear. Eric would listen and gather all information that might be considered useful from what Steve had to say.

 

     Van continued reading, “I need only one thing from you. I don't care how or where, only when. Kill your mother by midnight tonight, or you will die. Don't notify anyone and you will die anyway. Thank you…” the ellipses continued on for a few more spaces before falling down below the message and assembling to form a smiley face made of periods. Moments after that, the period at the corner of the face smeared and each of the periods that were a part of the smile connected into one curved line. It was as if a paintbrush had drawn it. The message reached a close, and with finality each letter dripped off into a holographic puddle of blood. 
Van’s stomach lurched for a second. He rarely had to deal with cases like these. Normally it might be dealing with kidnappers, or murderers that have already killed. This was different. Not only did he have to find this potential serial killer, but he also had to do it within the day. 

 

     With a sense of foreboding, Van turned back to Steve. His face was white, and now that Van payed more attention he could see beads of sweat at his temples. If Van had children, he wondered if he might be in the situation. Wrought with the fear of his loved ones dying, but he had a case to do. He couldn't allow personal feelings and idle thoughts distract him. 

 

     “Let's go see this daughter. Shall we?” Van glanced at Eric and with a subtle movement of his head gestured for home to lead the way with Steve. Eric would be in charge of keeping the guy calm while Van began to interrogate him. Walking to the daughter would give him ample amounts of time to get more information. 

 

     Steve and Eric made their way out of Van’s office door, but Van lagged behind a moment or two. He looked around his office which had given him, until just a few minutes prior, a sense of safety and security. His desk sat in the center of the room stacked with some papers. His secretary would take care of them for him. Instead he walked around and stood behind his desk. After a moment he he opened a drawer and took out a long sheathed combat knife. Modeled after that of the ancient Bowie knife. He stuck it in a sheathe inside his suit jacket, on his left side the opposite side of his gun holster. Normally he wouldn't bother taking his knife, but if they were dealing with a killer that could hack a Sleeve, then what's to say they couldn't hack his electricity powered gun? 
     With purpose in his walk, Van headed out of his office. 
                                                                                       ~
     Van decided to wait until they were in the sideways elevator, often just called a sideways, to start his line of questioning with Steve. Eric had been making small talk until then about random things in Steve’s life. It helps people to talk about the familiar. Calms the nerves and takes them to a place where their sense of security wasn’t at risk. 
  

 

     Van walked along a corridor in the SSC headquarters with his thoughts wrapped around the case. His eyes seemed to look ahead through the hallway lined with blank grey walls, but they didn't actually see that far. No, when Van was involved in a case like this he barely saw anything on walks like these. He let his muscle memory take over for him, and instead focus solely on the project at hand. 

 

    First, what was the problem? The lives of two people were at stake. To save those two people, he needed to find out who was threatening them and lock them up, or if the situation requires it, kill them. The real question then, was who? Who would want to threaten this girl in order to kill someone else. The motive was different from someone a typical killer. This person wanted something out of this, other than just the death of these people. 
    

 

     The hallway came to an end just as the sideways started. After a moment or two of Steve fumbling with the buttons, the group walked into the sideways, and began to head towards the direction of the daughter. The walls of the sideways were built with reinforced glass, and were still able to move at a high speed. Van leaned against one of these walls and looked out to the space station beneath him. Buildings were sprawled out everywhere, which created a stark contrast when compared to other stations. After all, this was the first station meant to double as a city in space. Past those buildings stood a bluish force field that encircled the entire station. Van brought his gaze back down to the buildings, but this time to the streets below. He could see each of the people like ants from where he stood in the sideways. They were barely more than a blur as the sideways zipped towards its destination, but Van didn't forget his role here. Each and every one of those blurs is someone for whom he is responsible, and he was not one to neglect his responsibility. 
    

 

     There was a pause in the small talk between Eric and Steve, so Van took the opportunity. “How does your wife feel about all of this Steve?” 
 

 

   Steve looked back up toward Van in a slightly more relaxed manner, although he still looked like he had bathed in fear and sadness.  “I d-don't have a wife.” He only stopped talking a moment when he caught Van’s raised eyebrows. “I'm divorced,” he explained, which made Van nod once. 

 

    “Does the mother know what's all happened thus far?” Van paused after the question, and Eric chimed in. “Go ahead and tell us anyone that knows while you're at it.” 

 

    Steve was shaking his head his head before Eric even finished. “She would die from worry. You, the SSC people know, then m-me and my daughter. Th-that's all.”

 

     Another slight nod from Van. “Make sure to keep it that way. Do you know of anyone that would hold ill will toward your daughter and her mother?” The sideways began slowing down. 

 

     There was another shake of the head, and Van could see that Steve, the poor guy, was beginning to tear up in his mud brown eyes. “Carol, my former w-wife was amazing. Everyone was filled with compliments about h-her. She's at a job that is p-perfectly legal, so nothing sh-should be wrong there either. My daughter takes after her mother, with the looks a-and personality too. I know she isn't involved w-with anything illegal either.” The sideways came to a stop as he was speaking, and they got off at their stop moments after that. 
 

 

   Van let Steve’s answer meet silence as they left the sideways and headed to Steve’s apartment complex a block away from the sideways loading docks. There wasn't much of anything to go on so far, and unless Steve is an amazing liar then he doesn't know anything either. Van glanced at his Sleeve to check the time. It was barely past 5 o’clock and if he were to believe the killer’s message then he had a little less than seven hours left to find this would be killer. 

 

     They walked with the along the sidewalk for a short while longer before coming to a stop at the head of an apartment complex. It was, Van took note, not a very high class one. Not one that someone would expect a Sleeve engineer to live in at all. After a quick walk through the modest lobby, and a much shorter trip in the elevator the trio of men came to a stop at apartment number 329. 
     

 

 

 

   Steve brought his arm up and ran it against the lock scanner once, twice, even a third time before the red light switched to a green one, and the door slid open. “S-sorry,” he muttered nervously.
     

 

     Moments after the trio stepped in, a weak feminine voice called out, “Dad?” Steve stepped forward and the pair of detectives followed closely behind. 
     

 

     “I'm here honey,” Steve called back as the trio stepped beyond the worn foyer, and instead into nearly bare living room. 
There was an ugly green couch in the center, and a single black recliner a few feet away from that. A young women, probably close to twenty, with platinum blonde hair sat in the recliner. Her complexion was pale, and when Van brought his gaze to her eyes, he realized they were an astonishingly bright green. Van looked back and forth from Steve, and the daughter, Lyla. 
     

 

     With purpose Van brought his hands behind his back and away from view. More importantly Van’s Sleeve was hidden from view. He typed behind his back and onto the Sleeve a message. “We have our first suspect,” followed by, “match their DNA.”  He sent the message to Eric. He would look at it in a moment, and with luck realize what Van was getting at. But in the meantime…
“Hey there,” Van spoke to Lyla and approached her with his hand extended, “your father tells me that your name is Lyla. Yes?” Lyla nodded and took his hand to shake it. With her big green eyes she looked up into Van’s own. For a moment there Van almost lost his composure in her emerald pools of green. Almost. 
 

 

   “Are you here to find my captor?” Those eyes were filled with hope. Her breath smelled of peppermint toothpaste, and it was all Van could do to take a step away from her and beside Steve a few feet away. He wasn't normally affected by women this much. 

 

     “Captor?” Eric asked. When Van looked toward him, Eric nodded discreetly signifying he got the message. 
“Im held captive, aren't I?” Lyla held up her right arm, the arm that the Sleeve was plainly present on. 
 

 

 

“Yes you are held captive,” Van glanced once more toward Eric, “but I believe we have already found your captor.” With a solemn countenance Van looked from Lyla and to Steve. 
 

 

   “Who is it?!?” Steve asked hurriedly. Shock was plain on his face, but it was different from the shock that was on Lyla’s face. Shock at being found out from Steve, but shock from founding out her own father was out to kill her, from Lyla. 
 

 

   Eric clicked a handcuff on Steve’s left wrist and quickly followed by attaching it to his right. “DNA diagnostics were run, and your DNA does not match with that of Lyla. Nor do you look like her, or her like you.” Van paused in his explanation to look away from Steve and to Eric who nodded. 
 

 

   Steve took this pause as an opportunity, and cried out in despair, “She isn't my real daughter! Look at her! She looks nothing like me, but that doesn't mean I'm out to kill her!” 

 

    Van continued in his explanation, “However this alone does not guaranteed that you in fact plotted your own daughter’s death.’ Van held up his Sleeve and with a swipe of his fingers brought up a holo display. It showed Steve's picture as well as his life insurance bills. Listed under the people he was charged for, was Lyla and her mother Carol. Both of which, if they were to die, close to a million dollars would go straight to Steve. “Right here shows the situation you placed them in, Steve. You threatened your daughter into trying to kill your former wife. If your daughter succeeded, then you got the insurance money. Finally you would be able to buy yourself out of this dwelling that was t suited to a man of your occupation. If Lyla failed then she would die, and you would receive money anyway. A win win situation right? And what better way to do it, then in something other people would have no knowledge about. The Sleeves. No one would be able to hack into a Sleeve as easily as you, but this still does not guarantee that you are the killer. It only displays overwhelming evidence.” 
 

 

   Lyla and Steve were both struck dumb from shock it seemed. Tears were beginning to flow from Lyla’s face and down to her chest, where Van definitely made sure not to look. 
    

 

     Eric finished the rest, “We will bring you in for a few days, with no Sleeve, and we’ll see whether or not Lyla’s heart rate returns to normal.” Steve cringed at the thought of having his Sleeve taken away. “If it doesn't then we'll have our killer.” 
 

 

   Following that and a nod from Van, Eric exited the apartment with Steve in tow. Van stepped back towards Lyla, and gave her a comforting pat on the shoulder. “I've made an appointment for you to stay at the hospital while we close this case. If you ever need anything just call the SSC.” Lyla nodded resolutely, and Van left. 
                                                                        ~

 

    A week passed, and Lyla’s heart returned to normal and all signs of sickness or ill health were gone. A week after that, Steve had his hearing and was found guilty of first degree murder. A few days after that he was executed. 
 

 

   A month after the day she was threatened with death, Lyla walked into her mother’s apartment. She found her mom sitting on an expensive black leather couch with a glass of wine in her hand, and a smile dancing on her face. 
 

 

   “Enjoying the fruits of our labors?” Lyla asked with a smile coming to her face. 
     

 

     Carol nodded and laughed, before responding, “Its all thanks to you. You gave the act that fooled those detectives into thinking that Steve was the one that wanted the insurance money. Ha!” She said the name ‘Steve’ with utter contempt.
     

 

     “But it was your amazing tech skills that hacked into the detective's Sleeve. I mean, he might have been all over me even if you hadn't made his Sleeve tell his brain to turn him on a little.” Lyla giggled contagiously at that. 
     

 

“A toast to both of us then!” Carol poured both of them another glass, and they drank to their success. 

 

Duel Me

7 years ago

Alright. There's my story. First attempt at a mystery, so definitely make sure to hold nothing back. If it's trash then say it straight. 

@Seto @Lancelot @ISentinelPenguin Please state whether or not you think it is commendable. If all three of you agree that it is, then it goes to JJJ for the final verdict. 

@StrykerL You might want to see if you could've beaten it or not. 

Duel Me

7 years ago

Alright, this was good. Not exceptional, but definitely good. This was soft-sci fi, and that lets you get away with some of the larger design challenges, but there were a couple of glaring issues, which I'll share to help you improve on

Grammar / Writing Style

  • This badly needed a quick run through in MS Word. This was the easiest step to have done amongst all the other feedback. You could have saved atleast 25 words by replacing redundant words with less archaic versions
  • Commas and apostrophes are off, you'll want to brush up on those
  • You did well with characterization, and it was fun to read
  • Don't notify anyone and you will die anyway. > OR not AND 
  • After a moment, he opened a drawer and took out a long-sheathed combat knife. Modeled after that of the ancient Bowie knife.  > Should have been one line

Mystery

  • The art of mystery is in giving red herrings and false leads to the reader and making them decide what they think is right and wrong, and for that assumption to be tested in the end. Here the entire case was wrapped up WAY too quickly by the Inspector.
  • Did his partner not realize that this case was way too easily wrapped up and protest that something had to be off? The hacker BRINGING the police to the daughter and not protesting with his life when he was falsely accused? Could he not just offer a simple alibi about what he was doing at the time of the crime? Yes the Inspector had goo-goo eyes for the girl, but even that shouldn't have impaired his logic (and that of the courts) that much.

Logic

  • Why would Steve, if he were the killer - bring the matter to the Inspector? Logically, he'd never do that, and the fact that he had should have set major alarm/confusion bells ringing in the Inspector's mind, but was never raised in the story.
  • The 'murder message' explained way more detail than a real murder message would. You did it for exposition, but it would have been better for the father to have raved about how her life was at risk, than for it to have been explicitly mentioned on the monitor
  • First degree murder requires an actual murder, Steve can't be charged and killed in space without there being a murder. Criminal Intent is possible, but the society didn't sound draconian enough to demand that.
  • Sideways elevators wouldn't be called elevators technically.
  • Muscle memory is muscle memory, not a mental frame of mind. It's muscle memory if he's reloading a gun without looking, mental imagery if he's trying to figure out where a blockage is in a gun, for example.
  • Steve - a tech expert - doesn't notice that his wife (or anyone for that matter) has hacked the device? She's not a technician and yet she can overpower his work? Did he not even try to help the problem on his own?
  • WHY did the mother and daughter want Steve dead? There was never a motive, they didn't even get the insurance money, and now with his death any alimony would be lost. This one's a major one plot issue.

Sci-Fi

  • Now, you've made this a soft sci-fi (where things aren't internally consistent with known science). If you were to make this a more realistic sci-fi, you would have faced the following challenges
  • What are Sleeves? In story they were just a plot device, but why do Sleeves exist? Can cell phones / implants / goggles / eye mounted devices / wireless tech via desktop computers not do their job already? What's the power source for a Sleeve?
  • Empty gray walls. Space cannot afford empty gray walls, everything in space has a very high price. Fun fact, they don't wash clothes on the International Space Station, the cost of water is too high. They just wear them as long as they can and then throw them out to burn up  gigantic misconception in space. Any space not on Earth would be used for storage of instruments / miscellania, just check out photos of the ISS and try and find any empty space. 
  • Lives are very precious in space, even with a criminal intent case on someone it'd be extremely rare that the death sentence be handed out, even more so when the person in question is a tech specialist, which is often a hard skill to find replacements for. Prison in space also doesn't make sense, so more likely the sentence would be house arrest.
  • Why are there sideways 'elevators', when cars or jetpacks could be used? Also, what's the gravity in the story (has major implications)?
  • Economics - is 1 million space dollars worth the same as 1 million earth dollars at present currency? Is it a little? Is it a lot?
  • 5 o’clock > Time in space is relative, read Seveneves for more (though that might also be overkill) 

Now, everything said and done, it was a nice story. Objectively, it would stand too strong in face of a rigorous analysis/harsh critic but for a one day challenge, this was good work. I switched from critic to duelist to give you a nudge to write, and I'm happy that you came up with this complete story. As for comparisons with my own, I welcome you try it when it's out in the next two weeks or so and make your own opinon, I'll be looking forward to your feedback. I look forward to seeing your growth as a writer :)

Duel Me

7 years ago

Wow that's a lot. I'm going to assume those are for my benefit and that you don't want me to answer every question you presented. I will say that a lot of the problems I had could probably be fixed with a much larger self imposed word limit. As it were, a high majority of these problems were created by my limit. Still some of these mistakes may have ended up being made anyway.

Thanks for the feedback. It will certainly contribute to me getting better. I look forward to your story in a few weeks. 

Duel Me

7 years ago

I don't think it's trash. Stryker covered everything, so I guess a review from me is unneeded.

Duel Me

7 years ago

But is it worthy of commendation?

Duel Me

7 years ago

If you fixed it up a bit, yes.

Duel Me

7 years ago

So that is a no. Which means it is official. The duel is considered callled off. @StrykerL

Duel Me

7 years ago

The other two have not spoken yet, though.

Duel Me

7 years ago

There need only be one judge that think it isn't worthy of commendation. That's the way I worked it under these special circumstances. Actually, thinking on it now, it gives each individual judge a lot of power. You three can have a majority vote on if it should be commended, if you want to do that instead.

Duel Me

7 years ago
Pretty sure if an admin reads it and thinks its commendable, it gets commended. There's no middle man here. The judges all lost their jobs when the duel didn't happen.

Duel Me

7 years ago
I think I liked this one the best of the other stuff you've posted. If you want a detailed critique there's a couple of small issues I could get into tomorrow, but the only major plot question I have is that, as far as I can tell no one was actually murdered, and yet someone gets executed for first degree murder?

Duel Me

7 years ago

I think Stryker covered most of the small issues really well, so I won't ask you to go into too much depth unless you have things he didn't cover. 

I'm not gonna lie here. I really didn't research the justice system much in regards to the penalty for attempted murder. I just winged it. I thought that just because he failed at murdering someone, does that mean he should get less of a penalty. If a school shooter missed every bullet, or wounded everyone, but didn't actually kill anyone, would he get punished as a first rate murderer? I probably should've looked more into the justice system a little more before making a final decision on that. 

Duel Me

7 years ago
Life in prison is a possibility with attempted first degree murder in most cases, but it's not something people are executed for. (In a modern society people generally aren't even executed for committing murder, for that matter.)

Now you could establish that things are different in your setting, but either way...yeah, on general principle it's good to at minimum spend ten seconds on Google regarding things that are pivotal to your entire plot.

Duel Me

7 years ago

I went on google, and one of the first things I saw was, "Should attempted murder be punished more severely than murder?" I just assumed I'd be fine, but you're right I should've spent more time on that.