WatchNon-threaded

Forums » Creative Corner » Read Message

Share your short stories, poems, collaborative works, original artwork and more.

Dad, please? (short-story)

23 days ago

I will never forget the day I first saw it. Father beating Mother with his bare hands. She cowered, refusing to defend herself. I saw it the next day. Then the next. And then again.

 

I couldn't tell anyone. There was no one I could talk to. Why? Because it would break Mother's heart, she'd never forgive me. Also, I was afraid.

 

The beatings went on and on. No part of Mother was without bruises. I finally made up my mind. I was still afraid, but enough was enough. This has gone on for too long.

 

I walked up to him - this man I called Father - his knuckles freshly torn on Mother's body. I fortify myself with a deep breath and ask..."Dad? Can I beat her too?"

Dad, please? (short-story)

23 days ago
Wow I totally respect that you didn't feel the need to preach at the reader with tired themes like 'domestic abuse is bad'. All the edgelords will no doubt appreciate your excellent use of grey morality and seek to emulate you.

Dad, please? (short-story)

23 days ago

Lol.

You unfortunately already missed the Edgelord contest we had last year.

Could have been slightly longer as well.

Personally I would have went with the dad explaining to his son that he in fact is NOT allowed to beat his mother since he's not married to her and that when he grows up and meets that special girl, THEN he can beat on her all he likes. And then wrap it all up with a glimpse into the future of when the boy is grown up and thinking back to that conversation with his dad while he's beating on his own wife.

Dad, please? (short-story)

22 days ago

Still a better love story than Twilight ^_^

Dad, please? (short-story)

23 days ago

Here's another idea! Use this as a flashback in your boxing story.

"... and that's how I became a boxer." Sounds great to me.

Dad, please? (short-story)

23 days ago

This is GRIMDARK.

Dad, please? (short-story)

22 days ago

Thanks for the feedback, everyone. Especially to EndMaster and undr, both of who's ideas I'm gonna incorporate in my boxer story. My mind's buzzing already!! 

Yuss!!

Dad, please? (short-story)

22 days ago

I'll throw in a little more feedback, for the sake of developing a writer. The narrative comes off as dishonest, because your line about breaking your mother's heart is contradictory to the punchline (get it?).  Ambiguity can be your friend.  Rather than leading the reader in the direction you want them to go by using a contradiction, use language that can adopt a different meaning when you bring in new context.  Instead of " Because it would break Mother's heart, she'd never forgive me,," try something like "Because I would only hurt her."  Just spitballing.

Dad, please? (short-story)

22 days ago

Thanks for the input! But anyway, it's not a contradiction. The mother's heart will break because the 'domestic' abuse will escape the house if her kid tells anyone. It doesn't matter if he's a good kid or a DICK.

I don't know if I could explain myself. But I'm glad people here really read stuff and give good feedback. 

Dad, please? (short-story)

22 days ago

The reason that I say it's a contradiction is because he is stating it as his reason.  It could be a real reason, but it doesn't seem like it would be his reason, as he very likely doesn't care about how his mother feels.  If this is a sentiment that develops after that point of the story, perhaps when he "makes up his mind", then I could see how that could apply.

Dad, please? (short-story)

22 days ago
It's short, but the writing's pretty decent. I don't know why the kid would be afraid to ask, honestly. If it's something he sees every day, most kids would mimic that anyway rather than ask permission. As someone who grew up around abuse and was constantly told to stay silent and to maintain a family image I can see where that concept comes from, disgusting as it is.

Dad, please? (short-story)

22 days ago

Thanks, Leora!