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Hi! I am a new writer, and haven't published anything. I am working on a story that I want to turn into  series (an actual series, where each story could be by its self and not a bunch a short chapters.) Of, course, I need to focus on this one first!

The premise is that you are a 15-year-old girl who's life kind of stinks. You face daily humiliation, and are haunted by your biggest mistakes in the past.

But a mysterious agency sends you on an adventure to ten different points in your life, where you have the chance to fix them. On these you realize that your life is much more than a social disaster, and you missed many opportunities to help people and yourself(hope that isn't to cheesy).

I really want some feed back, but HATE demos. So I was wondering if any one here could help? I'm not 100% sure how do this, so I'm just going to include one page:

 

Your journal is gone. In it's place is a white circle, about the size of your palm. You pick it up. It has a tree engraved on front, The... thing is as thick as your finger, and a white chain is dangling down.

 

You notice a latch and press it. The circle springs open, like a locket. On one side is a clock, with a small golden dial in the side. On the other is a screen. It has three green dots on it, with a blue back ground. Each has an emblem on it. One has a book, one has a leaf, and one has a star.

 

Welcome.

You nearly jump out of your skin at the robotic female voice.

I am Time History Alteration Device Assistant, or THADA. I am here to help ou through your journey, courtesy of Circe Industries.

"Where am I?" You ask.

Perhaps a more appropriate question would be "When am I?".

"Okay... WHEN am I?"

You are at 8:24 am, on May 21, In the year 3091.

"WHAT?!? But it should be 2016!"

In order for your wold to continue, you had to be pulled into a future zone.

"But this is my room!"

Yes, and no. This is an exact copy of your room, down to the atom.

"Crap, I have to get home!"

You can not. You are home.

"So this IS a dream?"

No. You are an exact copy of yourself, down to the atom. Your conscience is here.

"But what am I doing? The original me, I mean."

You are in frozen conscience standby.

"I'm what?"

You may recognize it better as a "comma".

"I'm in a comma?!?"

Yes.

"I have to get home."

You can not.

"So I'm stuck here?"

Yet.

"Yet?"

You can not go home yet.

You sigh, not even sure why you are talking to this robot. And worse yet, you actually are starting to believe it. "What do I have to do?"

Your life is too... full. You must correct ten events in your life, and then you may go home. These events affect you to much to stay unchanged.

"How long will that take?"

As long as it does. But your body will wait. Depending, of course.

"Depending on what?"

Whether your parents "pull the plug".

Oh no. "Let's get going then!"

I suggest you become more familiar with my systems first. Please click on an icon.

"Just tell me what I have to do!" You yell, but there is no response.

 

 

Please give me feed ack on whether this is a good idea, what I can do to improve it, etc. I really am a dedicated writer, so I'm as committed as a busy high schooler can be! I hope I am going about this in the right way, and sorry if I seem like a novice- 'cause I am!

 

-Ryndragonmaster

Eh, too much reading.

I think the idea has real potential, although it feels a bit incomplete - some backstory, possibly showing the scenes from the girl's perspective when she wasn't at all aware, and then taking it to the 'time twist', could work well. Or you could have the girl watching herself from the past, shaking her head at her actions (but leaving the reader to guess why exactly). 

The start definitely needs work to truly grab the reader, but that's the hardest part of the story to write, so I won't be too critical there - maybe you could start with 'Welcome' and have the character wonder what is going on, thinking back to whatever they did to deserve what they think is going to happen to them? Also I think you don't have to be so reliant on dialogue, in certain cases you could just paraphrase what one of the characters said and focus on their real thoughts or the other character's reaction. 

Also a few typos are in that first page, e.g. 'wold' instead of 'world', 'comma' instead of 'coma', and 'ou' instead of 'you'. Using a spell-checker will help catch some of these out. 

The direction I'd recommend you go in from here is to plan out the scenes, think of how the different characters would react, and try to make the choices and consequences as realistic as possible. Also, make sure to proof-read your story several times and get some readers to check it before you publish. 

 

Thanks! This isn't actually the first page, there is quite a bit of back story, but that would be too much to post here. I know what I posted is confusing as a beginning, but I thought that was the best part to put in, since that's where the story truly begins.

I'm sorry about the spelling errors! I did use spell check, but it wasn't working very well. I'll be sure to fix those!

 

Thank you so much for responding, I will take all this into consideration.

Definitely sounds like something I would be interested in reading.

That's good to hear! When it comes out I hope you enjoy it!

This is certainly a good way to go about it. Some threads posted here requesting comments get completely ignored, some get some good attention. If one gets nothing, don't assume no one likes it, try again with something else. Mostly, give them time (at least a few days), because sometimes it takes that long for people to actually reply.

Something I have found useful is to also ask for specific advice. If you want someone to proofread, mention that. If you want to know about the flow of the story or if people would read, ask for it. The more specific you are, the more likely you are to get responses.

Okay! I appreciate your response. This is really good advice, thank you for sharing!

Sounds interesting. I'd love to play it. 

That's great!

I recommend using the advanced writer and checking all of your grammar before publishing. Add multiple branching paths.

Yes, I was going to do that! (the grammar part I'm already working on) I plan to make this fairly complicated.

I am debating between making my character being gender neutral or female (I chose "Alex" because it can be male or female). I am doing my best to make it not super gender oriented, but I still refer to her as, well, her. It is easier for me to write this way. Ideas?

 

On a similar note, she has a crush on a boy. This person isn't super important and is really only in the beginning (as of now). Should I refer to this person as s/he, or just use he?

I would like if someone could give me suggestions. I currently have it so Alex is a girl, and she likes a guy, but I have a little note a the beginning that says that you can think of her as a he. Is this too much, too little, or whatever?

I want to decide now so I can use that as I continue my story.

Go ahead. I don't really mind which it is, whether its HE or SHE. Point is, it's your story. Make it how you want. :)

I guess you're right. I'll do my best to not focus to much on gender, but will keep calling Alex "her".