Non-threaded

Forums » Creative Corner » Read Thread

Take part in collaborative works, share your short stories, poems, original artwork and more.

Random thing I just wrote.

6 years ago

This just sort of... happened.  Feedback?

 

The wind driven rain slaps me in the face, soaking me through to the bone.  I am weak, tired, and alone.  The storm surges around me, the waves wait to claim me, the salt stings my eyes.  A flash of lightning, a clap of thunder, all in the space of a split second, seem to take hours.  I am suddenly struck by the beauty of it all, the waves like hills on a desert plain, the lightning like roots growing downward into the soil, the rain shining like diamonds, perfectly cut and reflecting the last drop of sunlight the day has to offer.  In that moment, my shoulders relax and my hands loosen on the rudder.  An overwhelming sense of peace overtakes me, and I take a breath, enjoying the cool, clear air brought by the rain.  The clouds part slightly, a few rays of sunlight bursting through the clouds in the distance.  Lightning strikes near the light, and again, I see it as if it is in slow motion.  A faint rainbow appears, growing more vibrant every second, and I see a man standing on the water.  At his voice the waves calm, the rain stops, the thunder quiets, and the winds cease.  Now all that remains is the sun, setting into the sea.

 

Random thing I just wrote.

6 years ago

This is good, write more.

The imagery is nice, and the tone seems pretty consistent/flows well.
I am not sure if it should be put into multiple paragraphs. I would say yes, if this is all there is on the page, otherwise if it is just the start of a page, maybe not.

Personally, I can't really offer more feedback as it is a bit too short.
Obviously there is a lot of questions I have about this, like how big the boat you are on is, who the man on the water was, etc.
These things would get answered easily by you writing more.

I should mention that it is nice that you didn't just dump exposition on the reader, and the above questions I mentioned certainly don't need to be answered right off the bat. Heck, it might be better if they are NOT answered right off the bat, it helps keep the reader reading and a whole number of other things.
So as I said, this is good, write more.

Also I like the pace of it. Oh, I should mention that the way you used the first person perspective also seems to work (ie, you aren't starting each sentence with 'I').

If you do write more, do post it, I wouldn't mind reading it.

P.S. I don't know if there are mistakes with grammar/etc, if there are I didn't notice them so hopefully that means it isn't anything major(?).
P.P.S Also, obviously, this is my opinion, so maybe what you wrote is a lot better/worse than I think. What I mean is, don't worry too much about changing everything so it aligns with what I think.

TL;DR
I think it is good, so write more! Can't really comment much more than that.