Hello guys, first story and this is based on ancient China but with powers. I will use Chinese names and blend different mythologies and races into this. If you guys are interested I'll continue this and ask for feedback!
There will be cursing, violence and perhaps sexual content. So if you don't like these this won't be for you.
The premise is certainly interesting. "Superhuman" types of stories aren't all that rare, an incorporation of a Chinese flavour would resonate well. While I would like to dissect this in more detail, it's late right now, and I most likely won't be visiting the site during the week. Furthermore, I hate forums. Anyway, so here's some thoughts that came to my mind:
1. You should introduce the main character and the world slightly more. Granted, we only see your first two pages, and I am an advocate of "show not tell", but I would keep that in mind if you do decide to write this story.
2. This ties in with the first thought, in that I'm not too sure how you are going to make Lin Jinhai appealing as a main character. Typically, in 2nd person POV, you want to make the character at least share some common ground with the reader. What we have is a uneducated, orphaned 15 year old, who is in a deep rage and thinks slamming their fists in a grand form of bloody knuckles with the door is a good idea. I don't know...Others might disagree with me on this, but I think if you developed Jinhai in such a way that he doesn't seem entirely appalling, you'd start your story off better.
3. Your writing style is distinct, which will take some getting used to. When we were supposed to sympathize with Jinhai when his parents died, I felt absolutely nothing. I'm thinking your writing style is the cause of this. This isn't a bad thing by an stretch of the imagination, but I would heartily recommend you save the more "emotional" parts for later in the story, when the reader has adjusted. This way, you can engross your readers.
4. Punctuation, spelling, grammar, all that jazz is decent, and I'm glad you are using the WW. Some minor things I remember seeing were "...he found at the end a old looking", where "a" should be changed to "an", and that sorta thing. Nothing too distracting, but you should be mindful of.
5. I think your choice of dialogue needs some work. Is he muttering out loud? Is he thinking in his head? Your dialogue doesn't distinguish this, and it should. Furthermore, I think you're throwing too many punches too early. Yes, strong language is fine, but I feel it's too excessive, at least the amount in the start. Strong language should provide comic relief or help connect the character to the reader, but neither of those things happened.
6. "The common lifespan of a commoner is 50-60 while somebody that cultivates would be 100+. A powerful person if he/she continues to train is 500+, some but few may even reach 1000 years old but these are hidden masters and they rarely show themselves. They also age a lot slower so somebody in the 100s might look young."
Feels out of place, even when considering your writing style. I don't think this is pivotal information that the reader needs to know at the beginning of the story, and falls into the "show not tell" I meantioned earlier. Why not omit this, but use it later, perhaps in dialogue? For instance, if Lin encounters on of those fabled "masters" during his journey, why not have the master say something like "I have lived for hundreds of years, defeated countless doors in hand smashing contests...what makes you so special?" Yeah yeah, cliche, but you should get the point. This might seem like a "tell" and not a "show", and you are right in some sense. But you aren't breaking the narration. This is more of a show instead of tell because you, as the narrator, aren't telling the reader directly. Instead, you have a character develop this certain element in your world, which makes the story flow MUCH better.
Anyway, there's some more, but like I said, it's late, I have a report that I need to write, and I don't want to be in the forums longer than I have to. I think you have a great idea here, and if finished, would love to read it and give feedback. Have a great day.
P.S. Rereading the OP, I don't know if you wanted just a simple "Yes I'm interested", or actual writing help. I'm thinking the former, but I don't want to erase like, 10 minutes worth of writing.
Thank you very much for this! First off to say some things I was looking for "Yes I'm interested and feedback if possible so your help is greatly appreciated. Concerning grammar mistakes and so on, those will be corrected after I spot them/others do or when I finish and go back over it. I'll start going through on it tomorrow writing more.
1. It's late and I really wanted to see if this will be possible (if people are interested) or not so I couldn't write too much before I go to sleep (I can't sleep atm).
2. Actually this is just the beginning. He'll go through a drastic change, but you're right. I'm not too sure on how I will make him connect to the readers as I'm not very good at that. Tips will be appreciated. Also though keep in mind this is ancient China and like I said this is a dog eat dog world, most people will use brute force instead of thinking through to do stuff. Also he's an orphan and uneducated and since he has nobody to guide him it's easy to drift off to a violent path.
3. Actually I meant to pass off his death of his parents easily as I want to show the readers death is easy in this world and nobody cares or makes too big of a deal. I'm not sure what else to do to fix this if my writing style is not appealing so tips here too!
4. Again grammar will be fixed when I or others spot them (Like you! )
5. This!!! I was wondering should I let the readers know if he was muttering, saying out loud or in thought. Thank you a lot! Also cursing from the start is to give it more of a "I'm desperate" kind of feel...not sure if that worked out. Regarding comic relief or connecting the character..I'm not looking to make this story light..but there will be brief moments of these. Comic relief and connecting will probably be the hardest to me. Regarding the cursing, I kind of like cursing as it vents out frustration so this is definitely my part I need to work on. Also I don't think anybody can really connect to him later on..as he becomes what you call "too op".
6. You're right about this and also maybe not. I was thinking readers might want to know this information early on instead of me stuffing it in later on. I like to put too much details and explaining things so this could be a problem... This can indeed work later on for development though...
All in all I'm using novels as my base for this...so maybe that's why since I'm sort of imitating their style. But hey, I'll work on it tomorrow and hopefully you can come back to check it again and this time it'll be better (I hope). Good luck on that report though!
It seems I screwed up not finishing the prologue first. The revenge won't matter too much because he won't be able to take it with the story I have in mind. I'm more like trying to give a brief and quick overview quickly or maybe that's a bad thing.
Regarding passive and detached could you elaborate as I'm sort of confused on what you mean?
Also the novel writing style I'm focusing on are Chinese novels and they're pretty popular for throwing things right at your face quick and easy with details and information you don't really need to know.
I've read all of End's stories, I think I'll be fine xD
Hmm... while I like the idea, I don't quite like the way you write. The way you worded some sentences sounded awkward to me, and I also couldn't really get into the story. However, that's probably just me since I tend to be a bit picky.
Spelling-wise, it was fine. Grammar-wise, I saw an "a" that should have been "an". There's also a few bits in your sentences where a comma would have been nice.
"There will be cursing, violence and perhaps sexual content."
I sure hope so.
Those things make for wholesome fun, right? ^-^