When the Music's Over
Link to my newest story. Planning on keeping it in sneak preview while I work on it. Feel free to check it out.
So far, you need to reject the king's offer, then choose to leave your manor in order to progress. Most of the paths that way are done. Please give your thoughts if you read it, I'd love to hear them.
This was very good so far. I really enjoy the idea of our character hating our fame instead of relishing it. Talking about how the legends of our heroic party's deeds became more focused on just us instead of our companions was fascinating as well. Really gives a good reason for us to kind of hate the fame.
So far the only option is to refuse the kings summons and leave our home. This isn't really a problem though. We are given a load of different paths to take with numerous endings. I became a bandit leader, settled in a small town, left to be a wandering hero, became a caravan guard, and left to be a different wandering hero. All of the paths and endings were very well written and interesting, albeit a bit short in some cases. I look forward to what paths will open by accepting the kings invitation.
There aren't any real spelling or grammar mistakes. I did notice that there was a lot of writing maybe two to four sentences then moving onto another paragraph. I'm not sure if you'd be able to maybe merge some paragraphs together but its more of a format thing than anything.
This was a very good story so far. Fun and mostly serious, but with a good amount of humor. I can't wait to see where this story leads. Great work Chris. I look forward to the finished story.
Glad you enjoyed it, Turnip. As I said in the #library channel on the Discord and earlier in response to Shadowdrake, I'll probably expand a few of the paths as I think there's some decent ideas in there waiting to be fleshed out. Plus, the paths in the other branches will definitely be a lot longer.
Thanks for the input Trex, most of the kinks will definitely be settled once I hit the proofreading stage, but catching them early is still good of course.
I really liked the perspective this story had. Kind of a “who is a hero after the fairy tale is over” story! It’s great, and I think it is a lot of fun opposed to a regular fantasy story. When he couldn’t even remember the wizards name I was chuckling.
A few things I found:
- page: “the call to adventure” - watch tense! You switch from present to past in the second paragraph. Are you reading the letter in the past? Or reading it right now?
-page: “plunderers and pillagers” - I had an issue with the first paragraph. Particularly the sentence “The ambient sounds of wild life keeps you on the alert, and for every wolf’s howl and twig snapped against the underbrush your hand draws closer to the hilt of your sword.” The description and feeling conveyed is great! But consider breaking it into two sentences. Also I think either “sounds” or “keeps” should be singular, if they are both plural it is awkward to read out loud. Also does the underbrush break the twig? Or should that be “under your boots” not “against the underbrush”? You could also go with “in the underbrush,” but against it seems weird.
same page paragraph 3 “And on said path...” could be “On said path...” it is a bit smoother.
- in general avoid using “...” and use “.” Or “,” I like what you are trying to do, making it a pause. But a period and comma are already pauses and the “...” is not technically correct (I think?).
- page “A Brave, If Foolish, decision” - paragraph 6, the last sentence has no subject. “Can only act.” Should be “You can only act.”
- page “The Marauder Lord” - paragraph 1, the last sentence is missing a subject. “Need to recruit...” should be “We need to recruit...”
this ending is good, it’s a sort of fall from grace moment that fits well and has good foreshadowing. I would love to see it continue a bit longer, or another story made about the marauder lord later!
- page “maybe you are still a hero” - this ending was such a dark twist on still being a hero! I liked it! Again it seemed sort, but it was really well done. You could go either way from here. He could turn into the villain that thinks he is a hero, but leaves a pile of bodies everywhere he goes, or he could actually try to go back to being a real hero.
In general the story lines I read were short and well done, with an interesting take on being a famous hero and “what happens to them after the fairytale.” I think it could be longer, since you just started getting into it when it ended! I am excited to see what you do with this going forward. I’ll try to read the other story lines later! I only made it to the two endings I listed so far.
Thanks for the feedback!
Those things you pointed out with the tense and the errors on the Plunderers and Pillagers page was definitely not intended, I'll be sure to fix those up.
The use of ellipses is something I do struggle with, as while I think it adds more suspense it might just read as a boring attempt at suspense instead. Will try and watch out for them in the future and maybe remove them in places where they don't work.
The "can only act" line was actually a stylistic choice, that is falling into the laconic to represent that the character has fallen into pure instinct and can, well, only act at that moment. Might add a few lines to make the stylistic choice more clear. As for "Need to recruit", that can definitely use a quick change to make it more clear.
I'm glad you enjoyed the two endings you got. I was definitely proud of them, and might expand them at a later date.
I like using the ellipse to build suspense too, but I don’t know if or when it is grammatically correct when used for that purpose. It read fine to me in your story, I just thought I would mention it to look at.
I’ll be honest I had to look up “Laconic” but it makes more sense after I looked it up! I still think not having a subject makes it a bit awkward, but in a very barbaric way. If that is what you are going for, take this as a sign it worked! I am really impressed by this, I didn’t know that was a thing.
I got around to several more endings, and finished all of the path in the woods story lines. This is really good as I continue, with each choice leading you to a very different scenario! Yet your character stays very consistent until after the event, when he typically realizes something and changes accordingly. I think that is great character development, the only issue is that the story always ends at this point! I like most of the endings, because they imply the story goes on and make you want more. The only one that didn’t have that feel ended on a page titled “the wanderer” this was a hard ending (I did not like it as much).
Some comments I had, in addition to what I previously posted:
- page “A Quaint Cabin” - 2nd paragraph - I did not like the section in “()” that felt awkward. Consider revising the sentence in general, perhaps breaking it in two? It kind of was clunky. Either way I would make the “()” a few commas.
5th paragraph- the dialogue here was confusing to me, it seemed like my character was the one talking. Maybe change to something like: Finally, he opens the door wider and croaks, “come in.” You oblige.
Last paragraph- the “How odd.” Can be deleted and you can let the reader just realize it is off behavior. See Gowers comments to my story in the horror game thread. I would check for things like this throughout the story.
- page “A Rotten Stench in the Air” - 4th paragraph - “it is only until...” should be “It isn’t until...” awkward as written (read it out loud).
Sorry this took me so long to get to, was focusing on editing my story and publishing. If my reviewing/commenting is annoying just say so and I will stop. Otherwise, I was planning on checking out the other branch (the trade route).
That was quick 0.o
I will read either as well. I still haven't checked out the traders route, but plan to.
It is up to what you like. I personally would do the short path because I like to get things done! If it is like one branch and you can knock it out relatively quickly, why not have it complete so you do not need to worry about it? You do not have to prescribe to that though.
Sounds great Chris,
just let me know and I will read the remaining branches!
I really wanted to read it but there is no story to be found. Or I am too clumsy to find it sorry.
lol. I thought I was doing something wrong