When the Music's Over
Link to my newest story. Planning on keeping it in sneak preview while I work on it. Feel free to check it out.
So far, you need to reject the king's offer, then choose to leave your manor in order to progress. Most of the paths that way are done. Please give your thoughts if you read it, I'd love to hear them.
This was very good so far. I really enjoy the idea of our character hating our fame instead of relishing it. Talking about how the legends of our heroic party's deeds became more focused on just us instead of our companions was fascinating as well. Really gives a good reason for us to kind of hate the fame.
So far the only option is to refuse the kings summons and leave our home. This isn't really a problem though. We are given a load of different paths to take with numerous endings. I became a bandit leader, settled in a small town, left to be a wandering hero, became a caravan guard, and left to be a different wandering hero. All of the paths and endings were very well written and interesting, albeit a bit short in some cases. I look forward to what paths will open by accepting the kings invitation.
There aren't any real spelling or grammar mistakes. I did notice that there was a lot of writing maybe two to four sentences then moving onto another paragraph. I'm not sure if you'd be able to maybe merge some paragraphs together but its more of a format thing than anything.
This was a very good story so far. Fun and mostly serious, but with a good amount of humor. I can't wait to see where this story leads. Great work Chris. I look forward to the finished story.
Glad you enjoyed it, Turnip. As I said in the #library channel on the Discord and earlier in response to Shadowdrake, I'll probably expand a few of the paths as I think there's some decent ideas in there waiting to be fleshed out. Plus, the paths in the other branches will definitely be a lot longer.
Thanks for the input Trex, most of the kinks will definitely be settled once I hit the proofreading stage, but catching them early is still good of course.
I really liked the perspective this story had. Kind of a “who is a hero after the fairy tale is over” story! It’s great, and I think it is a lot of fun opposed to a regular fantasy story. When he couldn’t even remember the wizards name I was chuckling.
A few things I found:
- page: “the call to adventure” - watch tense! You switch from present to past in the second paragraph. Are you reading the letter in the past? Or reading it right now?
-page: “plunderers and pillagers” - I had an issue with the first paragraph. Particularly the sentence “The ambient sounds of wild life keeps you on the alert, and for every wolf’s howl and twig snapped against the underbrush your hand draws closer to the hilt of your sword.” The description and feeling conveyed is great! But consider breaking it into two sentences. Also I think either “sounds” or “keeps” should be singular, if they are both plural it is awkward to read out loud. Also does the underbrush break the twig? Or should that be “under your boots” not “against the underbrush”? You could also go with “in the underbrush,” but against it seems weird.
same page paragraph 3 “And on said path...” could be “On said path...” it is a bit smoother.
- in general avoid using “...” and use “.” Or “,” I like what you are trying to do, making it a pause. But a period and comma are already pauses and the “...” is not technically correct (I think?).
- page “A Brave, If Foolish, decision” - paragraph 6, the last sentence has no subject. “Can only act.” Should be “You can only act.”
- page “The Marauder Lord” - paragraph 1, the last sentence is missing a subject. “Need to recruit...” should be “We need to recruit...”
this ending is good, it’s a sort of fall from grace moment that fits well and has good foreshadowing. I would love to see it continue a bit longer, or another story made about the marauder lord later!
- page “maybe you are still a hero” - this ending was such a dark twist on still being a hero! I liked it! Again it seemed sort, but it was really well done. You could go either way from here. He could turn into the villain that thinks he is a hero, but leaves a pile of bodies everywhere he goes, or he could actually try to go back to being a real hero.
In general the story lines I read were short and well done, with an interesting take on being a famous hero and “what happens to them after the fairytale.” I think it could be longer, since you just started getting into it when it ended! I am excited to see what you do with this going forward. I’ll try to read the other story lines later! I only made it to the two endings I listed so far.
Thanks for the feedback!
Those things you pointed out with the tense and the errors on the Plunderers and Pillagers page was definitely not intended, I'll be sure to fix those up.
The use of ellipses is something I do struggle with, as while I think it adds more suspense it might just read as a boring attempt at suspense instead. Will try and watch out for them in the future and maybe remove them in places where they don't work.
The "can only act" line was actually a stylistic choice, that is falling into the laconic to represent that the character has fallen into pure instinct and can, well, only act at that moment. Might add a few lines to make the stylistic choice more clear. As for "Need to recruit", that can definitely use a quick change to make it more clear.
I'm glad you enjoyed the two endings you got. I was definitely proud of them, and might expand them at a later date.
I like using the ellipse to build suspense too, but I don’t know if or when it is grammatically correct when used for that purpose. It read fine to me in your story, I just thought I would mention it to look at.
I’ll be honest I had to look up “Laconic” but it makes more sense after I looked it up! I still think not having a subject makes it a bit awkward, but in a very barbaric way. If that is what you are going for, take this as a sign it worked! I am really impressed by this, I didn’t know that was a thing.
I got around to several more endings, and finished all of the path in the woods story lines. This is really good as I continue, with each choice leading you to a very different scenario! Yet your character stays very consistent until after the event, when he typically realizes something and changes accordingly. I think that is great character development, the only issue is that the story always ends at this point! I like most of the endings, because they imply the story goes on and make you want more. The only one that didn’t have that feel ended on a page titled “the wanderer” this was a hard ending (I did not like it as much).
Some comments I had, in addition to what I previously posted:
- page “A Quaint Cabin” - 2nd paragraph - I did not like the section in “()” that felt awkward. Consider revising the sentence in general, perhaps breaking it in two? It kind of was clunky. Either way I would make the “()” a few commas.
5th paragraph- the dialogue here was confusing to me, it seemed like my character was the one talking. Maybe change to something like: Finally, he opens the door wider and croaks, “come in.” You oblige.
Last paragraph- the “How odd.” Can be deleted and you can let the reader just realize it is off behavior. See Gowers comments to my story in the horror game thread. I would check for things like this throughout the story.
- page “A Rotten Stench in the Air” - 4th paragraph - “it is only until...” should be “It isn’t until...” awkward as written (read it out loud).
Sorry this took me so long to get to, was focusing on editing my story and publishing. If my reviewing/commenting is annoying just say so and I will stop. Otherwise, I was planning on checking out the other branch (the trade route).
That was quick 0.o
I will read either as well. I still haven't checked out the traders route, but plan to.
It is up to what you like. I personally would do the short path because I like to get things done! If it is like one branch and you can knock it out relatively quickly, why not have it complete so you do not need to worry about it? You do not have to prescribe to that though.
Sounds great Chris,
just let me know and I will read the remaining branches!
I really wanted to read it but there is no story to be found. Or I am too clumsy to find it sorry.
lol. I thought I was doing something wrong
I am not done, currently proofing, but I wanted to give you feedback so far so you can start working if desired:
pg. riding the storm out - "days on end" implies a countless number, but you say that a week passes in the same sentence. I would delete one of these time references. something like "It continues, constantly, for a week."
pg. no man shall move me - 1st para - "away, the fact" needs an "and" or change the comma to a semi-colon. These are two complete sentences separated by a comma.
2nd para - I am not sure an ellipse can go at the beginning of speech, I would just add the words "he pauses for a moment" or something similar to get the same effect.
pg. as long as it takes - 2nd para - introduce your speech with a comma: "yell as loud as you can, 'LEAVE..."
3rd para - "All you know is that soon, you stop your yelling and begin to laugh maniacally." This feels awkward. I would delete "your" and change soon to "before long" or "eventually" or something similar. Soon implies that you are going to do it, in the story you have done it.
pg. the comfort of insanity - 1st para - again I would remove the "your" in the third sentence. Same issue with "soon" at the end of the paragraph, but this one didn't feel as awkward.
2nd para - Who is "they"? I would change this to "He sends".
3rd para - 1st sentence - delete the second comma, it is not needed since there is not a complete sentence after the "and".
pg. the comfort of insanity - 3rd para - 3rd sentence - "simple" should be "simply"
- 3rd para - last sentence - Change the second comma to a period. "...mad,' the sage says. 'There is nothing..."
- 4th para - "beat you" should be "beats you" otherwise you are tense changing in the sentence.
- 5th para - "In the middle of the night, he enters your room, and slits your throat." Delete the second comma, again, no complete sentence after the "and". Also, delete "But" at the beginning of the next sentence. It works better without the extra word.
More to follow! Hope this helps.
Update (still not complete):
pg. - the wall is broken - 5th para - "This is about Kit, and his descent into madness that you could have prevented." Delete the comma in this sentence.
6th para - "Just remember: every choice you make?" Delete question mark. I would combine with the next sentence like "every choice you make I wrote for you". I would also combine the next two sentences with a comma to make "You have no control, but I guess..."
pg. Obedience - Underline or italicize the title of the comic. In the 3rd to last para. "and" is used a lot (this and this, and this), while it is correct you may want to consider using commas.
pg. back to start - general - try to avoid double punctuation.
3rd to last para. - "grunt out" can just be "grunt".
pg. end of the night - "dizzyness" should be "dizziness" double-check this, both may be correct
3rd para - "place he dagger against your throat, and take a deep breath." delete comma in this sentence.
pg from the past - 1st para -add a comma after "finally"
7th para. - delete comma after "say"
pg cant change -2nd para - "into bed, and fall into a fitful sleep." delete comma.
pg. from an outside perspective - ellipse at begging of speech. the pause is implied when you say "after a moment".
4th para - awkward as written, I would put it all in quotes. It works better if the character just says it all: "So that is what would have happened... What about Henry and Thomas?"
2nd to last para - 3rd sentence is a strange recap of what you just wrote. Consider just deleting.
last para - 2nd sentence -"and" should be "to"
pg ignored epiphany - ellipse at the beginning of speech. see can't change feedback for repeated segment.
pg accepted - ellipse at the beginning of speech.
3rd to last para - "I've no need for that, Bertrand" need to add the comma shown here.
2nd to last para - delete comma after "tray"
last para - delete comma.
pg. the call knows where you live - 1st para - "'Fine,' you grunt, 'I'll do..." the second comma should be a period.
2nd para - "... odd occasion someone comes to visit." add "that" after occasion
3rd para - "...reserved, if tidy, appearance" delete "if". Also, delete the comma in "The kights are sitting in wait, and look up..."
pg. Retribution - 2nd para - "...you look around, and see Miller..." delete comma. In the last sentence, the second comma should be a period: "Miller," you say. "What is the meaning of this?"
pg. wrath - 1st para - "Lowly" should be "Slowly". "Leave now, and never return" delete comma.
2nd para - "He swings his sword which you easily deflect, then..." add a comma after sword.
3rd para - last sentence - delete comma after "then"
5th para - delete "And" and start paragraph with "In the end".
6th para - 1st sentence - delete second comma (after "him").
6th para - last sentence - delete comma
pg uprising - 1st para -1st sentence - delete comma
2nd para - "... master bedroom, and begin loading up." delete comma. "... over your shoulder, and walk out the door." delete comma.
5th para - ellipse at the beginning of speech
3rd to last para - delete comma
pg. sloth - see "can't change" for repeat section.
Last branch to go!
That is fine, I apologize for being late. I couldn't proofread yesterday.
If you want I can finish and post what I find. If not, it was honestly really good. Just a few minor typos and misused commas
Sounds good I'll post here. Then I'll write a review. I already have read everything (except the last branch), so it shouldn't take long.
Finished, sorry it was late, but here is the rest:
pg. Jumped at the call - 1st para - 3rd sentence - 2nd comma needs to be a period. Recommend restructuring this dialogue.
1st para - last sentence - "one bottles of wine" should be "one bottle of wine"
General - how many bottles of wine were brought to you? It was one, but it is written as if several were brought.
2nd para - Delete first "almost" because both of them make this sound awkward. You basically are stating "I almost, almost change".
3rd para - 3rd sentence - comma after "past"
4th para - So sort... combine with 3rd para unless it needs to be separate.
6th para - 1st sentence - remove comma
6th para - 3rd sentence - remove comma
pg. be compassionate - 1st para - "it doesn't take long, as you find..." delete "as".
pg. a grand detour - general - ellipse at the beginning of speech
3rd to last para - 3rd comma should be a period.
pg. time on the road - general - ellipse at the beginning of speech
9th para - delete comma after "then".
"I take it he wasn't hte first..." correct "hte" to "the".
8th to last para - move comma from after"screamed" to after "face".
pg. the bridge - 2nd para can be combined with 1st. Also, "And" can be removed.
4th para - "You look to Bertand, and nod." delete comma.
8th para - comma after "luck".
10th para - "as though believing" should be "as though they believe".
last para - delete the comma.
pg. blood and guts - 1st para - 1st sentence - delete comma.
pg. Elkstern keep - 6th para - delete 1st comma.
7th para - "The king may not like it, but if he truly needed you he'd excuse it." comma after "you".
3rd to last para - add comma after "help". Delete comma in last sentence.