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FIREBIRDS N SHIT: THE STORY

6 months ago
So I've been slowly working on a what I hope will turn into a large story... I haven't figured out the finer details of the plot or characters yet, but I've built a cool world going. I really like the scene I'm working on too, which I'll post in a reply to this post.

Despite the name of this thread, I actually really take this seriously and want to put out something go. I'm a very slow, but I'm writing everyday.

FIREBIRDS N SHIT: THE STORY

6 months ago
The Black Mist was receding, just like it did every day at dawn. The grand bird returned as the massive cluster of clouds dispersed--probably instantly reforming at some other part of the world--the wings of the phoenix blessed the morning with golden light. You stand, holding a pestle and mortar in front of a window. You crush the ingredients, casting an incantation of divination. Your world turns blue as your eyes are engulfed in a cerulean mist. Theoretically, this should protect you from long term damage coming off the sunlight. Twisting your torso to the right, you sprinkle the fine powder into the solution beside you. Great, now all you have to do was gaze. You clutch at the power radiating off of the creature and feel the ecstatic sensation of being removed from your body.

“Glorious Phoenix Star, my Supplier; my Guide; my Light, I ask you to connect me to my servants,” the elf spoke. That is it. Nothing more, nothing less. LUX didn’t demand large offerings or anything. He was always crisp. You return, stirring your tea and letting out a sigh. Tea isn’t your thing but it was the most potent way of accessing the bizarre power of the magika leaf. It was simple to grind into a powder, but getting it down is a challenge. Swallowing the bitter liquid, you look upwards at the firebird overhead; visions swirl in its fiery trail across the sky. As you study the bird, knowledge floods into your mind. “They are dead,” you mutter.. “All of them are dead!”

The cerulean mist around your eyes diffuse, leaving your vision blurry and burning. The Phoenix' consuming shriek began to shriek into your ears. Your eyes fluttered shut. Your yellow arms swoop upwards, alternating between rubbing your eyes and covering your pointed ears. Neither worked, nothing except time wouldn’t silence the noise or return your vision. All magic had some type of cost. Whether it was short-term or longer-term, depended upon the method.

“I have to inform the Lord while I still can!” you hollered, stumbling stumbled. You kick the table at your side.. Magical tools soar through the air crashing into the floor. Some of them shatter into tiny pieces. The chaos smashes your magic mirror--a gift from your liege. Dust floated in the air, showering down upon everything. You stagger from the impact, but find balance, steadying yourself against the wall with your metal left hand.

You’ve always been mediocre in divination. Your body never conquered the after effects of the art. With senses dulled, you are useless to his liege. For you, this was an unacceptable method of serving your liege. It just ends in more harm than good. You are aware of this fact, but you still did it. Why? Oh, right, because you were afraid of using more direct methods.

Dust covering your robes, you shamble out of your quarters and dart down the first corridor you feel for. Your eyesight releases pain from pain’s grip just a little bit, mildly returning. Runic sigils light this passage blue. Each sign is its own separate design, and they’re engraved onto the walls and ceiling. Some of these engravings are even yours. You plant your left hand on a wall; your sense of touch was unaffected and you need to feel your way around anyway. As you do so, the sensation of magic pulsating passed your metallic palm becomes evident. It reacts to your presence! A powerful rhythm beckons you to tap into its power. You feel yourself siphoning, but before long the power rejects you. The azure rune falls dark, casting a shadow throughout the room.

He had never encountered anything like this. These runes had always been here--mostly for defensive, utility, and stealth purposes that kept the castle underground and difficult to locate-- they were not serving this function any longer. You even designed some of the runes yourself. There was only one location that that magic was leading to: the throne room. Lord Stone was channeling some type of energy!

You press on. Whatever the purpose of that beacon was, you could feel its desire to be used. You cast two minor cantrips: a spell of perception, which will restore some of your hearing; and a minor haste spell, which quickens your pace. In your near-blinded state, such a sensation was a life saver. Now you have a trail to follow. You swivel around a corner, finding yourself in front of a set of massive oak doors. You can make out a pair of revenants guarding the doors. Iron and magic reinforced the entrance to the royal chambers. A pleasant thought passes through your mind. You are quite close to Lord Stone! Revenants stood beside doors; they were suited in full plate armor, spears rested in their hands. Your heart sends fire through your veins, adrenaline overcoming your sense of decency. Breaking into a sprint, you erupt with neurotic energy, gunning for entry into the Lord’s court! The guards slammed their spears onto the stone floor, before crossing them into an ‘x’. Your right shoulder slams into one of the revenants, sending it stumbling into the armored door. You crash into the ground, pain pulsing through your body.

“Court Mage,” the other revenant nabbed lifts you to your feet, clutching you in her hands with surprising tenderness. “What is the meaning of this?” Her voice was gravel. You know this one, although you don’t remember her name. You open your mouth to speak, but you’re interrupted when the other revenant rises from the ground.
“--and why are you indecent?” the other one wondered. His helmet must have fallen off. You recognized this one. He was a handsome man with chin-length hair and a strong jawline. If you didn’t know better, it’d be a tough job identifying him as undead. His name was Leon, you think. Here you were in stained and dusty robes--which were somehow torn--trying to reach the lord of the castle! You must look like a madman.
“It’s an emergency! There’s an imminent threat to the castle!” you throw out a plethora of frantic gestures in an effort to communicate the seriousness of the situation. “I swear on LUX’s name, that this is serious!” Leon’s eyebrows rose in surprise, but other than that, the two undead didn’t respond. After all, the undead did not worship LUX. They let you in, with reluctance.

Simply opening the doors sends a cascade of warm magic flooding through you, restoring your vision and the rest of your hearing, but he was still a wreck. You witness a seemingly-boundless multitude of shining runes dancing around the room, illuminating the room with blue light. Atop the throne, was Lord Stone. He was a tall brute of an orc, his gray head reached six foot while still sitting, and his eyes were closed. His facial features were beset with wrinkles; His teeth were sharp, pointed things, with curved canines that jutted out of his mouth; he was balding. The runes began swirling around the throne in an azure vortex of pure energy, consolidating as one big wall of magic, wrapping around the orc and permeating him.

FIREBIRDS N SHIT: THE STORY

6 months ago
Commended by mizal on 1/28/2020 8:59:55 AM

Revision reccomendations and overall comments are in green. 

Editing comments are in red. 

R/w = repeated word (consider using a synonym). 

The Black Mist was receding, just like it did every day at dawn. The grand bird returned as the massive cluster of clouds dispersed--probably instantly reforming at some other part of the world--the wings of the phoenix blessed the morning with golden light. You stand, holding a pestle and mortar in front of a window. You crush the ingredients, casting an incantation of divination. Your world turns blue as your eyes are engulfed in a cerulean mist. Theoretically, this should protect you from long term damage coming off the sunlight. Twisting your torso to the right, you sprinkle the fine powder into the solution beside you. Great, now all you have to do was gaze. 'Have' is present tense, 'was' is past tense. Also, I feel like this sentence can end with a better word than 'gaze'. It's obvious what you're gazing into (since you just mentioned it in the prev. sentence), but it still sounds strange. You clutch at the power How does one 'clutch' at a concept? radiating off of the creature and feel the ecstatic sensation Can you explain why this sensation is causing ecstasy in the protagonist? of being removed from your body.

You are off to a strong start with your introduction. Your sentences flow well, your vocabulary is great, and you've introduced just enough information to intrigue the reader, while leaving them wanting more. 

“Glorious Phoenix Star, my Supplier; my Guide; Semicolons are used to separate independent clauses. Commas can be used here. my Light, I ask you to connect me to my servants,” the elf spoke. Is the elf us? If so, you've switched from the second person to the third person here. That is it. Nothing more, nothing less. LUX didn’t demand large offerings or anything. He was always crisp. You return, stirring your tea and letting out a sigh. Tear/w 'tea' isn’t your thing, but it was the most potent way of accessing the bizarre power of the magika leaf. It was simple to grind into a powder, but getting it down is a challenge. Swallowing the bitter liquid, you look upwards at the firebird overhead; visions swirl in its fiery trail across the sky. As you study the bird, r/w 'bird' knowledge floods into your mind. “They are dead,” you mutter.. “All of them are dead!"

Fantastic suspense-building and descriptions of the scenery! I'm really interested to learn more, now. 

The cerulean r/w 'cerulean' (though it might be more descriptive than just the general colour, so I'm not certain you need to change it) mist around your eyes diffuses, leaving your vision blurry and burning. Great description The Phoenix's consuming shriek beginsbegan to shriek r/w 'shriek' into your ears. Your eyes fluttered shut. Your yellow arms swoop upwards, alternating between rubbing your eyes and covering your pointed ears r/w ‘ears’. Neither worksworked, semicolon needed, not a comma nothing except time wouldwouldn’t silence the noise andor return your vision. All magic had some type of cost. Whether it was short-term or longer-term, I don’t think you need the comma here. depended upon the method. I would consider re-phrasing the last sentence very slightly. The word choice is great; I just think it could flow better.

I like how you’re describing the character’s body language, and how you’ve introduced the idea of consequences for using magic. I also like how you describe the character’s appearance and feelings by showing the reader, rather than simply telling. Your exposition is good.

Occasionally, you’ve switched between the present and past tense. Most of your excerpt is told in the present tense, so I’ve corrected the other instances

“I have to inform the Lord while I still can!” you hollered, stumbling stumbled. You kick the table at your side.. You have two periods here. Magical tools soar through the air, crashing into the floor. Some of them shatter into tiny pieces. The chaos smashes your magic mirror--a gift from your liege. Dust floatsfloated in the air, showering down upon everythingconsider a more descriptive word than ‘everything’. You stagger from the impact, but find balance, steadying yourself against the wall with your metal left hand. I feel like ‘but find balance’ is a bit repetitive since you mention that the protagonist ‘steadies’ themselves next. Maybe you can say: “You stagger from the impact, before steadying yourself…”

I like this sentence You’ve always been mediocre in divination. Your body never conqueredI think there is a better word than ‘conquered’ that you could use. Something to explain that you were never able to deal with it. the after effectsaftereffects of the art. With senses dulled, you are useless to his liege. For you, this was an unacceptable method of serving your lieger/w ‘liege’. It just ends in more harm than good. You are aware of this fact, but you still dodid it. Why? Oh, right, because you were afraid of using more direct methods.

Once again, the suspense-building in this paragraph is great. You’re doing an excellent job of building up a fantasy world, and adding atmosphere to your writing. I feel like the end of this paragraph can be edited a bit. What are these more ‘direct methods’? And I think the flow could be improved a bit.

Dust covering your robes, you shamble out of your quarters and dart down the first corridor you feel for. So I get that you don’t want to use the word ‘see’, since the character’s vision has been disrupted. But “feel for” parses oddly. Maybe consider a synonym. Your eyesight releases pain from pain’sr/w pain? grip just a little bit, mildly returning. The previous sentence parses a bit oddly – consider revising.  Runic sigils good word choice light this passage blue. Each sign is its own separate designI think you can revise this first part of the sentence. You’re trying to say they all look different, right? Or are you trying to say the sigils are physically separated from each other?, and they’re engraved onto the walls and ceiling. Some of these engravings are even yours. This is interesting.  You plant your left hand on thea wall; your sense of touch was unaffected and you need to feel your way around anyway. I didn’t originally get the impression their touch was unaffected, because you already mentioned they were ‘feeling for’ passages earlier. I might suggest something like: “You plant your left hand on the wall, feeling your way around the corridors.” But in that case, you should use synonyms for ‘feel for’ and ‘corridor’ in the first sentence so as to not sound repetitive. As you do so, the sensation of magic pulsating pastpassed your metallic palm becomes evident. “Sensation of” and “becomes evident” sounds a bit wordy. Maybe: “As you do so, you sense magic pulsating past your metallic palm.” It reacts to your presence! A powerful rhythm beckons you to tap into its power. You feel yourself siphoning, How and where are we being siphoned? but before long the power rejects you. In what way does it reject us? How do we know this? The azure rune falls dark, casting a shadow throughout the room.

This paragraph is intriguing, but it confuses me a bit. I think you’ve built an amazing picture in your head (that I’m really interested in knowing more about), but you haven’t given the reader enough details.

YouHe had never encountered anything like this. These runes had always been here--mostly for defensive, utility, and stealth purposes that kept the castle undergroundThe runes making the castle difficult to locate makes sense, but they also kept it underground? Couldn’t it simply have been build underground normally? and difficult to locate-- they were not serving this function any longer. Why not? And how do we know this? Is it because the runes fell dark a moment ago? You even designed some of the runes yourself. You said this already. There was only one location that that magic was leading to: I would rephrase this so that ‘magic’ comes closer to the beginning of the sentence. the throne room. Lord Stone Interesting name This makes me wonder if the elements are important to the magic, somehow. was channeling some type of energy!

You press on. Whatever the purpose of that beacon was, you cancould feel its desire to be used. Intriguing. You cast two minor good vocabularycantrips: a spell of perception, which will restore some of your hearing;comma, not semicolon and a minor haste spell, which quickens your pace. This sentence is excellently phrased. I really like it. I like how you introduced the magical abilities of the protagonist in such a descriptive way. I can’t help but wonder: If the character was able to cast a ‘perception’ spell, why didn’t they do so earlier? Maybe you can clarify in some way that it enhances only auditory perception? (Without actually saying “auditory perception”, which doesn’t flow as well as the way you’ve described it.) In your near-blinded state, such a sensation was a life saver. Now you have a trail to follow. You swivel around thea corner, finding yourself in front of a set of massive oak doors. You can make out a pair of good vocabularyrevenants guarding the doorsr/w ‘doors’. A revenant? That helps to build a lot of suspense. Iron and magic Perhaps a more descriptive word than ‘magic’? It sounds odd to pair ‘iron’ and ‘magic’ together. reinforced the entrance to the royal chambers. A pleasant thought passes through your mind. You are quite close to Lord Stone! Why is this thought so pleasant? Does the protagonist want to see this guy so much? Revenants stood beside doors; they The revenants are were suited in full plate armor, spears restingrested in their hands. Your heart pulsessends fire through your veins, adrenaline overcoming your sense of decencyI’d consider another word than ‘decency’. This prev. sentence is great. It really helps add to the tension in the scene. Breaking into a sprint, you erupt with neurotic energyNeurotic energy? You mean he was anxious? Or are you trying to say something else?, gunning for entry into the Lord’s court! The guards slammed their spears onto the stone floor, before crossing them into an ‘Xx’. Your right shoulder slamsr/w ‘slams’ into one of the revenants, sending it stumbling into the armored door. You crash into the ground, pain pulsing through your body. Great concluding sentence.

“Court Mage,” the other revenant nabbed lifts you to your feet, clutching you in her hands with surprising tenderness. I wouldn’t expect tenderness from a revenant, but perhaps you expected this reaction from the reader. “What is the meaning of this?” Her voice is gravellywas gravel. I like the description you attributed to her speech. You know this one, although you don’t remember her name. I like this prev. sentence too. You open your mouth to speak, but you’re interrupted when the other revenant rises from the ground. Great. I like this paragraph.

**You need to insert a line break when another character starts speaking.**
“--Aand why are you indecent?” the other one wonderswondered. The word ‘wonders’ makes me think that this is a thought. I get that this is a thought the character is voicing aloud, but I think another synonym would work better. His helmet must have fallen off. You recognized this one. You said this already. He iswas a handsome man, with chin-length hair and a strong jawline. If you didn’t know better, it’d be a tough job identifying him as undead. His name was Leon, you think. Here you were in stained and dusty robes--which were somehow torn--trying to reach the Lordlord of the castle! You must look like a madman. Fantastic description of the characters’ appearances, here.

**Line break needed**
“It’s an emergency! There’s an imminent threat to the castle!” Youyou throw out a plethora of frantic gestures in an effort to communicate the seriousness of the situation. “I swear on LUX’s name, that this is serious!” Leon’s eyebrows riserose in surprise, but other than that, the two undead didn’t respond. After all, the undeadr/w ‘undead’ did not worship LUX. They let you in, no comma needed with reluctance. I love this paragraph too. I’m really interested in learning more about the King, now.

Simply Oopening the doors sends a cascade of warm magic to floodflooding through you, restoring your vision and the rest of your hearing, but he was still a wreck. I recommend removing the last part of this sentence. My reasoning is that I’m not sure who ‘he’ is, nor why he is still a wreck. Also, it causes the sentence itself to train on a bit long. You witness a seemingly-boundless multitude of shining runes dancing around the room, illuminating the room with blue light. A boundless multitude of shining runes dances around the room, illuminating it with blue light. Atop the throneno comma needed, iswas Lord Stone. He iswas a tall brute of an orc, his balding gray head reachesreached six feetfoot while still sitting, and his eyes were closed. I feel like you can move the part about his balding grey head next to the part about his wrinkles. I also feel like you should just say he is six feet talk while sitting, instead of saying his balding head stretched this high. His facial features face iswere beset with wrinkles;Use a period instead of a semicolon here. Otherwise, your sentence is a bit long. His teeth arewere sharp, pointed things, with curved canines that jutted out of his mouth; he was balding. Move the ‘balding’ part next to your description about his head.The runes beginbegan swirling around the throne in an azure vortex of pure energy, consolidating as one big wall of magic, wrapping around the orc and permeating him. This last sentence can be rephrased a bit. Firstly, you already described the movement of the runes – it’s okay to describe how they are changing here, but try to use synonyms so it doesn’t sound repetitive. I believe you used the phrase ‘vortex of pure energy’ or ‘pure energy’ before, as well. Secondly, I’m not sure what it means to say that the magic ‘permeated’ the orc.

 

General Comments:

Overall, I thought this was very well-written. You’ve got some great characterization of the protagonist. You’ve introduced a sense of suspense and urgency that hooks the reader into your story. I love how you started off with the reader performing some sort of strange, unexplained magic ritual. You’ve constantly described the scenery and the characters’ appearance/body language in a way that shows the reader what your characters are like, rather than simply telling them, and that is an excellent thing to do as a writer.

Your world-building is off to a very strong start. I particularly liked your introduction of the magic spells, the mystery surrounding the King of this land, and the revenants. I loved how the revenants described us as the “court mage”: that gives the reader a sense of identity and makes us wonder what role we might play in this environment. I expect this to turn into a very excellent final piece, and I genuinely look forward to reading it.

FIREBIRDS N SHIT: THE STORY

6 months ago

I was going to go through this when I got some free time, but it looks like you pretty much covered everything! The main issues for me were the tense shifting and some minor grammar issues, and sometimes it was a little confusing what was happening, but overall I thought it was pretty interesting, exciting, and a great first draft.

One quick thing, your comment here is actually incorrect: " You cast two minor good vocabularycantrips: a spell of perception, which will restore some of your hearing;comma, not semicolon and a minor haste spell, which quickens your pace "

The semi-colon is correct. If items in lists following a colon have internal commas to describe them further, then you separate items in the list with semi-colons instead. E.g:

"The bus makes three stops along First Street: at the school, by the track field; at the gas station; and at the park, where I plan to get off."
 

FIREBIRDS N SHIT: THE STORY

6 months ago

Yeah, Tri mentioned to me that Gower taught them about supercommas. My bad. Thanks for pointing that out :-). 

FIREBIRDS N SHIT: THE STORY

6 months ago
Commended by mizal on 1/28/2020 8:59:40 AM
First, the disclaimers: this is my review. It is likely not like anyone else’s. In fact, you probably couldn’t find anyone else who completely agrees with what I write here. But it’s my opinion. I’m also writing this as I read through this for the first time. These are my first impressions as I read it. I’m not saying they’re right, just what I’m thinking. I haven’t looked at the other reviews or read anything else about this bit before writing this other bit. This is written in the spirit of helping you see how others (okay, me) see your story and to perhaps give you ideas for improvement, and not to be mean or anything else. Please don’t take it personally. This review is likely worth exactly what you paid for it. Finally, you did ask.

Extra side-note written after all the other stuff: holy crap this is long! I did not mean to make this that long. I honestly hope that you’re not annoyed or insulted by anything written below. I just let my mind wander while I read this and that’s where it went. I’m reasonably sure this is my longest ever – and again, please don’t be angry, it’s just what my mind sees as I read it. I really do hope that it helps you see what I’ve seen and that it can help you edit just a wee bit and make this a lot better.

Here we go:

Nice title. I’m not sure what to think when reading that. I did go back and glance at the intro, so that did lighten the impact a bit, but still. I’m not sure whether to take that title literally. As I’ve mentioned in the past, when I read stories, my mind tends to paint pictures to go with what I’m reading based on my imagination (and perhaps how much beer I’ve had). At the point, before I even start reading the story, I’m picturing a huge, majestic, massive firebird rising up from the ground into a blue sky… but just below the massive firebird is a junk yard. Not a pile of trash or anything, just a junk yard with piles of twisted metal and partially usable things here and there. Maybe with junkyard dogs, or maybe with Fat Albert and his friends wandering around, looking for treasure. No one in the junk yard seems to notice the firebird that’s taking up the whole sky. Then again, perhaps I’m interpreting the title wrong and the fact that it’s a junk yard should be a clue to me that the “firebird” is actually a 1977 Pontiac Firebird that’s in the junkyard! Yes, and perhaps one of Fat Albert’s friend has found a mysterious bag of white power in the trunk of that firebird in the junkyard. Okay, well, anyway, I guess I should move on past the title and actually read what you’ve written here, right?

First sentence: I like the picture here. I’ve moved on from the junkyard (just barely, maybe it’s still there to appear in another scene). I’m waiting for the land to take shape, and I’m not setting up and preconceived notions. Since the black mist recedes every day, this is starting out ominous, whether that is your intent or not. When the grand bird appeared, I got a little confused (I know, you’re shocked). I was picturing the mist pulling back from the ground, slowly dissipating. The clouds dispersing shifted the viewpoint radically on me: now instead of mist along the ground, there’s clouds spreading. I wasn’t looking at the clouds, I was looking at the mist. Now I don’t know if the clouds and mist are supposed to be the same thing or not. Not huge, but distracting to me. The whole scene with the phoenix arriving seems to be at odds with the black mist slipping away. It also felt off that the wings of the bird blessed the morning with light. Was this because the clouds were moved away because of the wings? I feel like that’s the only way the wings could have blessed the day with light, but the clouds appeared to be moving before the bird’s wings moved.

Now the view shifts to me. Did I summon the phoenix? I don’t think I did because there was that bit at the start about the black mists going away every day. But I’m casting a spell, so my first thought is that I caused what just happened. I can see as I read on that maybe not, the results of the spell are starting after I finish. If that’s the case, what does all that other stuff have to do with me casting a spell? Anyway, I’m not sure what’s happening here. My eyes are blue and misty and that’s supposed to protect me from the sunlight. Why would I need protection? Am I staring at the sun like a moron? No wait, I’m staring at the phoenix? Is it bright? I didn’t know that. After re-reading the paragraph, I’m still not sure if I summoned the phoenix, or if I just started staring at it when it just appeared, like it does every day. A few places seemed like extra words without adding meaning: “twisting your torso,” “incantation of divination,” and “ecstatic sensation.” And I’m not sure how I clutch at power. I feel like I’m reaching out into space and grabbing onto nothing or something no one else can see.

Wow, was that really just one paragraph? Yikes. I need to get on with it.

Now there’s an elf. Is that me? I don’t think that’s me. But he’s talking to the phoenix. I’m not sure that’s a divination spell, but whatever. I do have to wonder: who the hell is LUX and what does he have to do with this story? I mean, there’s an elf begging for a phone call from the phoenix to his servants. He’s staring at the sun or the phoenix. But LUX needs and offering. I don’t know what that is. Is there a pig being slaughtered off stage or something? If there was an offering here, I completely missed it. Was the crushing up some powder the offering? If so, maybe that could be more clear. At least he’s crisp, whatever that means.

Oh hey look, I returned. From where, I have no idea. Did I just go take a piss in Fat Albert’s junkyard? Seriously, I was just standing there, staring at the sun, then some elf (who might have been me) said some words, some LUX guy was being jacrispy, then I return. I wasn’t aware that I had left. But at least I have tea. Apparently magical tea. Oh, a ground-up magical tea leaf. Where did I get this? I guess you can find a lot of useful stuff at junkyards. But now I’m going to drink it and now I’m below the firebird. Whoosh! I was standing at a window, watching him before, but now I’m below him. That’s what I guess for taking an unscheduled piss, I suppose. But now it’s not only in the sky, but it’s tail is doing fancy things. Seriously, a minute ago that sucker just landed. And now I can stare at it and see dead people or something.

Who the hell is dead? Is this the elf’s buddies that he’s asking about? Should we go back to figuring out if I’m the elf? Is my name LUX the Elf? I’m thinking of heading back to Fat Al’s junkyard to see what’s happening over there. At this point I’m two paragraphs in. I have no idea who the character are or what’s going on. I don’t know if there’s more setup before this part, but at this point, to be honest, I’m starting to lose interest because I’ve lost all context with what’s going on. I’ve gone back and read it again and I still have me, some elf, LUX, and a bird that may or may not be flying or sitting down; and who may or may not be the actual sun. I’ll keep going.

Now the mist around my eyes goes away and my eyes burn. I’ll try not to point out the entire reason I put the mist there was to avoid them getting burned. Guess that spell failed. Now the damn bird is yelling. What the hell did I do to make the bird yell? But hey, if I close my eyes, maybe the yelling won’t hurt my ears. And what happens next, I really don’t know. I’m more confused than normal. My arms are Simpsons yellow, so I guess I’m Homer Simpson doing a crossover with Fat Albert and the gang. My eyes are burning, but they just casually fluttered shut. And now I have pointed ears that are above my head or I have tiny tyrannosaurus rex arms. I say that because on a normal person if my arms (yellow or not) “swoop upwards,” then they’re above my head, far out of reach from my eyes or ears. So now I’m picturing myself as a Homer Simpson elf with tyrannosaurus rex arms with burning eyes standing in front of a giant fiery bird that is the sun, who is yelling at me and hurting my ears. Is that what you were going for? And “nothing except time wouldn’t” is so confusing I’m just ignoring that sentence. But now at least I know the bird is yelling at me because I used magic. To talk to him. Or protect my eyes, and that actually failed.

At least I’m going to tell someone while I’m “stumbling stumbled.” I guess that’s a typo, but I’m not sure what for. But I’m going to take my anger out at the table nearby while I stumble. Yeah, I’ll smash those tools that shatter into tiny pieces (what kind of tools shatter into tiny pieces?). And now Chaos has entered the room! Welcome, chaos! Thank you for smashing my mirror. And now there’s some serious dust in the air! Did you see that dust? The dust, normally light, showered down on my so hard that I actually staggered from the impact! Wow, that’s some serious magical dust. But at least I have a metal left hand to save me. I’m not sure where the hell that came from, but that was kind of a surprise to me. I assume you’re trying to show rather than tell, but that was kind of a shocker.

I really think I’d be safer in Weird Al’s junkyard. Because just now, after trying the spell, failing, being blind, and getting yelled at by a bird/sun, I’m just not realizing that I’m “mediocre.” Perhaps I should have thought of that before casting the spell. As for the writing side of it, perhaps more emphasis could have been put on the risks associated with casting the spell, mentioning that I should have practiced more, that type of thing. It does seem weird that only now I’m useless to someone else’s liege. Why do I care? I was just calling out for someone, but that was my Lord, or it seemed to be. Now I’m concerned about HIS liege. Damn lot of kings running around here. And what is happening? This ended up with more harm than good? I learned that some people are dead, and the only cost was a bird yelling at me. That doesn’t sound too bad.

Now I have this serious heavy dust on my robes. But I shamble – that doesn’t seem like something a yellow person with tyrannosaurus rex arms would do. Am I limping, too? If I’m uninjured and not Jabba the Hut, I’m not sure I would “shamble” anywhere. I’m also quite sure that I won’t “dart” anywhere if I’m already “shambling.” There’s no way you can do those two things together. And now I’m inside, feeling around for corridors. If I’m blind, I didn’t realize that. Perhaps that should be more clear. I was picturing that my eyes hurt and I was squinting a little, while rubbing them with my tyrannosaurus rex arms.

Okay, I wonder if there was perhaps just a little LSD mixed in with whatever the hell I was doing there. Now my “eyesight is releasing pain.” That’s so out there that I think I’m delusional. Maybe that’s why I think I have tyrannosaurus rex arms – because I’m high as a kite. I don’t know what mildly returned because I don’t know how you can return mildly. The LSD experience is really making a lot of sense now. It might also explain why I’m still looking for Fat Albert.

But hey, there’s more blue: sigils on the wall. But this place is SO familiar to me, that I’VE placed some of them there, yet I’m still feeling my way around…apparently with my robocop metal left hand that has feeling just like a normal hand. Yeah, not only is this an LSD trip, this is starting to shape up as a bad trip. I’m looking at the sigils that *I* placed there, but I still need to feel my way along. But hey, I can feel magic, so yeah, I’m soooooo wasted. I’m so friggin high right now. I can feel myself being siphoned. Through what, I don’t know. But yeah, I’m floating towards something until it lets me go, after rejecting me. Why am I picturing a drooling idiot sitting on the floor, rubber band still wrapped around his arm, needle still sticking out of the inside of his elbow right now? Heck, I’m so wasted that when a rune falls dark, it casts a shadow. Maybe this is a weird place, or maybe I’m just super-high, but usually when something goes dark, it can’t cast a shadow. That often requires light.

That’s okay, because now we’re shifting over to “he” again. Is this LUX? Maybe the elf? No wait, I’m the wasted elf with the metal hand and t-rex arms. I wonder if “he” is the liege. Or the other liege. Or maybe it’s the phoenix. I have no idea. Fat Albert tells me these runes were doing something, but they’re not any more. But they’re my runes. So my own runes are rebelling against me! Someone stop the rebellion! But hey, now instead of stealth and defense they’re, what now? They are “leading” to the throne room? How do I know that? I’m stumbling and shambling along the hallways with my metal hand and t-rex arms. And now Lord Stone is doing something. Is he my liege? Is he the “other” liege? Does he know the phoenix or Fat Albert?

But hey, I’m a trooper, I’m going to press on. I don’t know what my goal was, or what I’m pressing on to, but why not? Now there’s a beacon. I wonder what kind. Is it a lighthouse beacon that can be seen from far away? Or some super-secret one? I guess that it’s related to this Lord Stone fellow, but the text certainly didn’t mention that. I mean, I get that you’re trying to not just do a text/info dump, but for me, there’s just too much disconnect at this point. If there’s a damn beacon, let me know instead of me trying to determine that Lord Stone’s magic has somehow taken over my magic in my sigils that I created to help defend the secret castle and instead are trying to light the way for someone (I dunno who) to find their way to the throne room that might contain a king, or maybe Lord Stone, or maybe nothing at all and it instead has a pit trap with poisonous spikes at the bottom.

And how does a beacon get used? I’ve always thought they were kind of on or off, and you could decide to follow them or not. But here I can feel that it wants to be used. Is this a rated M story all of a sudden? But hey, forget all that, Ima cast a spell. Wait, I’m deaf? When the hell did that happen? I mean, I know the bird yelled at me, but I used my metal hand on my t-rex arms to protect my ears, didn’t I? I had absolutely no clue I was deaf here, none at all. Am I blind, now, too? I mean, I don’t think I am, but since I didn’t know I was deaf, I’m now wondering if I’m blind and don’t know that, too. I think I might need to check my junk and make sure that works too, or I can just go ahead and jump off a cliff now.

Oh yeah, nailed it: next sentence, I’m blind. Nope, didn’t know that, either. But hey, at least getting haste saved my blind life. Yeah, that didn’t make any more sense when I wrote it than when I read it. But hey, since I’m hasted, I have a trail to follow. I’m thinking it’s a trail of Skittles that lead back to Mushmouth. I have no idea how to “swivel around a corner.” That sounds really, really gay; or at least something that only someone gay could pull off. Am I gay, too?

We’ll deal with issues of sexuality later (not really, I’m just putting that aside, permanently). Instead, after I sashay around the corner, I’m in front of some doors. Now in my mind, I’m literally in front of the doors. I would expect maybe less than five feet from the doors. But I can “make out” a pair of revenants guarding. Well, of course I can, if I’m five feet away, I’m thinking they’re about six inches from my face. But at least I’m having pleasant thoughts (I have no idea why, “pleasant” thoughts would never enter my mind when I’m about to fight guards, I’m blind, and I’m fighting with t-rex arms).

What’s my heart doing? Pumping LSD through my system? No wait, sending “neurotic” energy. Well that’s not a good thing. But at least my adrenaline overcomes my sense of decency. You see, when that happens, since I’m alone, the only thing I can imagine is that I’m stripped naked. I have no earthly idea what else I could be doing that would overcome my sense of decency. So now I’m high and naked. Great.

But hey, at least I’m dealing with absolute morons for guards! You see, if a guard has a spear, which these appear to do, this is the perfect weapon for people charging them! They just set the spear and point the pointy end towards the idiot on drugs charging them. Then they can just wait for the idiot to impale themselves on the spear. But no, these guards are so stupid that when they’re faced with an attack, they take their actual weapon that they should be using to defend themselves, and … slam it into the ground. Did they think that they were going to intimidate me in the middle of my LSD-induced naked bull rush? They stood there, armed and armored, and just watched my naked ass charge them. They didn’t raise any sort of defense, they just let me slam into them. Is everyone on LSD on this planet?

Oh, but at least the hot guard with the deep voice thinks you’re hot, being all naked and drugged out and all. She tenderly picks me up – after I nakedly and violently charged at her. Does she want me? I must be hot since I don’t know her name. I wonder if I have a boner – she would know since I’m naked. How do they not know I’m wasted? Wait, what the hell is chin-length hair? The only way you’d know hair is chin-length is if it was in front of your damn face. Hey, maybe the two of us are blind. But hey, he’s undead, I’m naked with a woody. Yes, this is clearly a rated M game.

Understatement of the entire bit: “You must look like a madman.” No friggin kidding! I’m naked. I have a boner. I’m making eyes at the male undead guard. I’m high as a kite on LSD. I’m blind. I’m mostly deaf. I’m covered with magical dust that can knock over an elephant. I’ve been to Fat Albert’s junkyard and lived to tell the story. I charged the royal guards and lived. I’ve stared into the eyes of a phoenix that is the sun and my t-rex arms are metal. I don’t know if I’m an elf, the liege, or some god named LUX. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that puts me in the madman category.

And just to keep up my appearances, I go ahead and yell at the undead. Yeah, she wants me. I like that I’m suddenly all better now that the magical doors are open. Well, I’m still naked and have t-rex arms, but I think I’m not blind and deaf now. And some guy is a wreak. Clearly not me because it says, “HE” was still a wreck. Not Leon, because I want him, but apparently the Lord behind the magic door. Maybe Stone. Maybe not. But there’s some sweet, sweet blue rune light in there, so my high is restored.

Oh look, Lord Stoned is an orc. And I’m a naked elf with t-rex arms. What could go wrong? Oh, and it’s a freaky orc because his head is grey. No, not his hair, his HEAD is grey. Maybe that’s a trick of the blue light or the LSD. HOLY CRAP! HIS HEAD IS SIX FEET TALL! Yeah, this is a seriously bad trip. I need to talk to weird Harold about his supplier. This LSD a’int no good. I mean, someone’s face could have wrinkles, but this guy’s facial features have wrinkles. So I think his eyes and nose are wrinkled. Damn, I need to come down from this trip. But hey, since this naked elf walked in the room, now blue magic is having sex with him.

Whew.

That was harrowing.

I’m not sure how to explain all the things I saw there. Seriously, there were lots of disconnects for me where the story just didn’t connect or make sense to me. In some cases it was a simple aspect of using “he” all of a sudden when there was nothing to connect it to. In other places it was more of what I pictured being in conflict with the next bit, like with the guards. I’m not really sure what to say, other than that based on what I’ve seen, this could use a bit of revision. On the good side, the grammar and writing was relatively good. I think there was a bit too much effort put on trying to make this sound more flowery than it could have been, but in general, I could read what’s here – though I couldn’t often understand what was happening. To be honest, I wasn’t even sure if I was the protagonist the entire time as the view appeared to shift more than once.

I really do hope this helps you see what I saw when I read this!

TL;DR; Suck it, you! Go back and read it!

FIREBIRDS N SHIT: THE STORY

6 months ago
How's progress coming on this?

FIREBIRDS N SHIT: THE STORY

6 months ago
It's coming slowly. I had a lapse in writing for a few days when I got sick, but I'm back to working on it. That's okay. I always expected it to take a long time.