A Hero is Born, Episode 2

Player Rating4.62/8

"#226 overall, #20 for 2013"
based on 184 ratings since 05/24/2013
played 2,886 times (finished 228)

Story Difficulty3/8

"trek through the forest"

Play Length6/8

"It'll be a while, better grab a Snickers®"

Maturity Level5/8

"aren't you a little too old to be trick or treating"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 13. If this were a movie, it would probably be PG-13.

All right Please leave CONSTRUCTIVE comments if this isn't good. Took awhile but it was worth it, hope you enjoy it immensely.

Player Comments

While the mechanics of your writing are still awful and you need to seriously proofread, this is much better than your first effort. Great job taking comments on linearity into account and your imagination is still good. I would suggest seriously fleshing out your locations and characters though. This story feels very superficial.
-- JJJ-thebanisher on 3/23/2014 8:57:29 PM
I want to give you a better rating than what I am giving you (5), because I can tell that you went through quite a bit of effort on this story. It was a nice length, it had some nice potential and you obviously put some thought into it, but your description is horrendous. There is no build-up to events, everything happens suddenly with not a hint of warning, you have great scenes happening in your head but you don't seem to be able to put them into words. I would highly recommend working on that (description, that is), as well as your grammar (I believe it is not your first language, no?). They're pretty much your only problems - you have great potential, it's a shame to see it wasted like this.
-- Drakilian on 2/8/2014 12:50:59 PM
Much better than the first one. There were some really enjoyable parts in here. The problem we have carries through most of the story however. There isn't adequate build up and description for events. You have a pretty good writing voice but you aren't doing it justice.

Somehow I missed the part where I disappear when I jump into shadows. I kept seeing moments where he was looking for a shadow, but I didn't know why until someone else told me. Maybe I just missed it, but a detail like that should be hard to miss. I wasn't aware of it till the professor told me. Kind of an odd way to learn about your own special ability.

Next, the fight in the bookstore came out of nowhere. I don't feel like it made allot of sense in its context. If you had built up to the instance better, and explained what was going on, it would be fine. But I didn't really know why that happened for another couple pages. I wasn't even sure they were talking to me. I had no idea why they were being jerks. It felt fake.

I know you are trying to keep the story exciting, but it feels like you just stick fights into places. They always feel sudden and uncalled for to me. Somehow going to the front of the classroom becomes fighting the teachers. That would be cool if it weren't so sudden. You don't pivot well. Starting a fight feels as casual as saying, "Good morning." We wouldn't expect any set up for one person to say good morning to another, but we do when people start fighting each other. If my Martial arts instructor took me and a few other people from the class to the front and said, "Okay I want you all to fight me." We wouldn't all just jump at him. We would, quite logically, we would think about it for a second, maybe question it, are there rules? are we getting in trouble? If we didn't, well there would be a reason for that. We need to know what it is as readers. Also, where did this ring come from? Suddenly there is a ring? How?

Getting ambushed a bit later was a bit better, I really like that you make us remember a detail like that.

You do a pretty good job of getting us interested in what will happen, but you don't always explain things well and expect us to just know things. Other times things seem illogical. How exactly does putting a fire in your hand summon the mages? How can they detect that, but now the furious scuffle? Why couldn't you summon the mages instead of fighting in the first place? And at any rate, if these are the good guys, what do the bad guys do? Moreover, the punishment for what they did seems rather minor. I thought weapons were against the rules? Shouldn't I be getting in trouble for this?

Now, we did get just the thing we asked for, more branching! (However still not quite as much as I would like) I was really liking the do your own thing path when suddenly something nonsensical happened. My orc allies and I are fighting the Black Hand one minute and the next I am given the option of traveling West South or East for no apparent reason. (And if there was a reason, it wasn't explained well) I want choices on what to do in the battle between The Brownies and Orcs against the Black hand. Why did we decided to start traveling all the sudden? I thought we had a city.

Most of the options on that side, which is the side which had the most promise to me, more illogical. It sounds like the page for choosing the go south could have been a great branching plot of its own, instead it is all decided for me.

All that said, don't be discouraged by the length of my list of grievances. If I didn't like your story, I wouldn't have bothered to write all this up. Keep writing, that's how you get better.


-- ugilick on 6/12/2013 5:52:37 PM
a lot of improvement and you should have made it longer but otherwise it wasn’t too bad.
-- rarepuppycake on 1/30/2019 11:16:32 AM
Okay so first of all there's yet again grammar probls for example "tekinesis" and a sentence that did not make since "i'm raven and the council, your class is laughing at you" and more i can't think of off the top of my head and you still haven't gave a clear motivation for the black hand doing evil except because there evil, also another thing i didn't properly address in the part 1 you almost never give detailed descriptions of the environment and characters
-- L0garithmSt0rys on 1/26/2019 5:37:41 AM
This is a great series and if your not doing so or have already done so, can you make a part 3, also I think it needs to bumped up a maturity level, Say a child read this and used their imagination and said those cuss words.
-- Tyree on 5/14/2018 6:05:05 PM
Meh. Guess I like it a bit.
-- WildBoar on 4/19/2018 8:56:02 PM
stay far far away
-- james plouffe on 1/9/2018 7:42:20 PM
I loved it!!!
-- CalicoCat3000 on 5/14/2017 7:12:00 PM
Well... that was mostly fun but hopes it get better with more choices.
-- Neo on 2/5/2017 6:09:57 AM
Show All Comments