Bloodlines

Player Rating3.87/8

"#472 overall, #41 for 2012"
based on 231 ratings since 11/04/2012
played 3,151 times (finished 257)

Story Difficulty4/8

"march in the swamp"

Play Length2/8

"So short yo' momma thought it was a recipe"

Maturity Level4/8

"need to be accompanied by an adult"
Contains content that may not be suitable for persons under age 13. If this were a movie, it would probably be PG.

This is my first story, that is why I'm looking for constructive comments [even if they are harsh. Lol.]. I'm 14 and English is my third language. Lots of unacceptable grammatical errors, though I've tried to get everything understandable.

This is the story of an assassin. Hope you enjoy it, if you manage to get through my English.[LOL.]

by ENDREW

Player Comments


Before I start, I know that this is your first story and that you don't know English very well. But you asked for constructive criticism and I only know one way of doing that, and that is to give it straight out and that is what I am going to do. I have nothing against you, and I do think the story was very fun.

What I did like:

I liked that we were given some information on the kingdom as well as the person we will be playing as, even though he had a very Batman back story. I liked the concept of the story and I do think that this story could be very good if it was a bit longer and some things were added in which you can read below. That being said, I did like playing as Drake, he had moments when he reminded me of those old action hero movies like an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. I can be a sucker for those. Overall the story was interesting and have potential if it is edited, the right criticism is given, and the author is given a bit of help here and there. But I did enjoy myself, it was a nice little read.



And that is it for what I enjoyed, moving on to what I think could use some work. Obviously, I won't say much about the grammar and spelling, but you really need to watch out for those, I can't stress that enough. I would suggest having some, not a friend, read it and tell you the mistakes.

A big part of a story is settling. Now, I don't need ever plank of wood or tile explain to me, but I would like a scene to be set. What is in the room? What kind of room it is? Those questions should be answered otherwise, I have trouble imagining it, and that comes from someone with a wild imagination. And a single word descriptor doesn't work. For example, at the start, we go from one inn to another right afterwards. If no one visits the kingdom much, why do they have so many inns? Or is this another kingdom? Feel free to change up the setting and describe it as you do.

This is something personal but the point of a story game is that it is written like a story, so you do not pause in the middle of dialogue to say an action. Example, “He is getting stronger (He stood up) but we will get him.” The action in the brackets is not necessary and can be done much better and much more fluently if it is written like a novel. Authors do it all the time. Here, example, *”He is getting stronger,” The man stood up, “But we will be him.”* This way, it can be smooth and more story like, instead of sounding like a movie script.

For the dialogue, I have no clue if it was supposed to be unrealistically funny or if it was intentional or not. The dialogue was very cliché and when it was supposed to be serious I found it very funny instead and started laugh by just how cheesy it was. I would suggest avoiding cliché dialogue because it can come off as comical instead of serious like you intend it to be. It just doesn't have the same intent as you might think it is having on a reader.

Suspense is a big aspect of stories, and even though this story was nice and short, just the way I like them, everything seemed very rushed and hasty, there wasn't a moment to breathe. SPOILER: Like when Drake is facing his parents killer, we find out they are the killer and then a choice later Drake kills them. There isn't any suspense or tension, I'm not hanging at the edge of my seat and that is what keeps most reader in and interested in the characters and most importantly the story itself. Suspense can be created by holding on to a scene for a bit, making the reader think one thing and then another thing happens. Let's say, SPOILER: in the scene with Drake fighting the killer, you drag the fight so Drake is on the brink of death, he's losing blood, he is beat and bruise, you think he won't survive and then BOOM he gets the last blow.

There wasn't much character development that I found, but that could be because Drake himself didn't have much personality to work from. On top of that, we don't know much about Ed so when he (SPOILERS) betrays Drake, we have no idea if this is supposed to be shocking or out of character at all. Should we also feel betrayed or not? The way you make a reader feel through the character is by giving the character feelings and fears, Drake seemed to be like those action heroes that have no fears or feelings and in that, you lose some suspense and a path for character development and an interesting character.

Moving away from the characters and into the world itself, the world and information that we got at the start of the game were interesting and I wanted more to be in it. I wanted to discover more of the history and what exactly happened to the kingdom, but it was never brought up in the story. It was pointless in the long run and didn't need to be added into the game. I feel like if we were allowed to explore this kingdom and everything then it would have given the starting information some purpose other than to make this a fantasy story.

The problem that I found most prominent was that this was all written like a script to a movie. While in a script you can get away with minimal descriptions and cliché dialogue, here you do not have the luxury of visuals. So you have to describe things and find ways to form the scene you are seeing in the reader's mind. And while yes, some books and stories are written a lot like movie scenes, they do still give a description of the place and the action that is unfolding. We are not mindreaders, you have to paint the scene with words. Which with practice I think you will be able to do!

Thank you, it was a fun read.
-- ScarletSwanHunter on 1/4/2019 3:29:22 AM with a score of 0
Wow, I enjoyed this quite a lot.

The character development was really a nice thing to have, and i'm glad you included it. The characters didn't feel stale at all like in most storygames, and I could feel emotion for them because of the decent detail and development.

The plot wasn't bad, but it wasn't very well fleshed out. I felt like some parts had a lot more effort put into them then others, and that made some of the pages feel sloppy and lazy.

The english was quite good, better then I expected from the description. I'm glad you made the attempt to make a storygame, because I think you're pretty good at it.

With a little practice, proofreading, and a more descriptive setting, this can be one hell of a storygame, and you can get much better as an author. You've got a lot of potential :)

Nice work. 4/8.
-- MinnieKing on 3/21/2017 12:52:23 AM with a score of 0
Well your English is very good considering it's your third language and I liked the story but I think you could have done a lot better with it. The whole "Young orphan boy who's parents were murdered when he was a child grows up and vows revenge on the person who murdered them" is a cliche used in so many fantasy stories and games, and it can still work if done properly, but the cliche seemed to be the only thing the story focused on. Also at the end of the story it explained that the main character was betrayed by his best friend, which I didn't understand, since it the story there doesn't seem to be any example of the two of them ever being friends. I still liked it though :)
-- Briar_Rose on 11/22/2012 8:47:27 AM with a score of 0
I did like the story quite well although it is a little short but it was your first one so that is okay.

The main problem on this story i think is the fact that the characters are a little shallow. i mean true Drake has a backstory even a quite tragic one but its only told us in about 3 sentences so it isn't really explored.
We don't see his emotions so he just seems like a simple antihero.

Another problem is that the scenes aren't described well enough for one to get lost in the story that is something you should try to improve on.

All in all a good first story though and i believe you can become a lot better because of it.
-- LJacko on 11/28/2019 4:27:36 AM with a score of 0
Endrew, this is a good starting place...as you are still young and learning the language...I feel your talents will improve.
-- neal on 12/19/2018 8:47:57 PM with a score of 0
Well, I like that you want constructive criticism. Even for someone who isn't a native English speaker, it doesn't have too many typos. It's not too bad of a premise, and maybe I didn't play enough paths, but I think you should flesh out characters and motives more. :) Nice job though. 5/8.
-- abchiaramonte on 12/2/2018 11:46:18 AM with a score of 0
Had more potential but very short storyline
-- Iquarius on 6/6/2018 6:18:45 PM with a score of 0
Didn't enjoy much.
-- WildBoar on 4/19/2018 9:25:49 PM with a score of 0
Noice
-- Marneptunez on 2/2/2018 3:43:10 PM with a score of 0
I enjoyed it until the end, but it was to short.
-- Aaron on 9/21/2017 8:01:49 PM with a score of 3
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