Bloodlines

Player Rating3.83/8

"#349 overall, #47 for 2012"
based on 199 ratings since 11/04/2012
played 2,582 times (finished 220)

Story Difficulty4/8

"march in the swamp"

Play Length3/8

"A nice jog down the driveway"

Maturity Level4/8

"need to be accompanied by an adult"
Contains content that may not be suitable for persons under age 13. If this were a movie, it would probably be PG.

This is my first story, that is why I'm looking for constructive comments [even if they are harsh. Lol.]. I'm 14 and English is my third language. Lots of unacceptable grammatical errors, though I've tried to get everything understandable.

This is the story of an assassin. Hope you enjoy it, if you manage to get through my English.[LOL.]

by ENDREW

Player Comments

Wow, I enjoyed this quite a lot.

The character development was really a nice thing to have, and i'm glad you included it. The characters didn't feel stale at all like in most storygames, and I could feel emotion for them because of the decent detail and development.

The plot wasn't bad, but it wasn't very well fleshed out. I felt like some parts had a lot more effort put into them then others, and that made some of the pages feel sloppy and lazy.

The english was quite good, better then I expected from the description. I'm glad you made the attempt to make a storygame, because I think you're pretty good at it.

With a little practice, proofreading, and a more descriptive setting, this can be one hell of a storygame, and you can get much better as an author. You've got a lot of potential :)

Nice work. 4/8.
-- MinnieKing on 3/21/2017 12:52:23 AM with a score of 0
Well your English is very good considering it's your third language and I liked the story but I think you could have done a lot better with it. The whole "Young orphan boy who's parents were murdered when he was a child grows up and vows revenge on the person who murdered them" is a cliche used in so many fantasy stories and games, and it can still work if done properly, but the cliche seemed to be the only thing the story focused on. Also at the end of the story it explained that the main character was betrayed by his best friend, which I didn't understand, since it the story there doesn't seem to be any example of the two of them ever being friends. I still liked it though :)
-- Briar_Rose on 11/22/2012 8:47:27 AM with a score of 0
Good effort, especially for your first game.
I was expecting more, especially after you kill a guy with your eyes, a magical power which is never mentioned again, and I found the story confusing, with no real motivation for the enemies' actions.
Your English was ok, the mistakes didn't make it difficult to understand the story, and that's the most important part.
While the introduction/backstory is interresting enough, it really has no impact on the rest of the plot as far as I can tell.
-- Evagirl on 11/4/2012 10:31:24 AM with a score of 0
I enjoyed it until the end, but it was to short.
-- Aaron on 9/21/2017 8:01:49 PM with a score of 3
"I never thought that Blackshade killed my parents. He only worked for money, why would he kill my father. Maybe, someone else wanted them dead. Though I've took my revenge. I killed my best friend, who turned out to be my enemy. Cruel world. Isn't it. As for now I will try to leave everything. It won't be easy. Atleast not in Elle..."

Well, maybe your ending emphasize and try to stress the cruelty of the world, but I was hoping for more options like alternative endings, including one like forgiving and forgetting the whole deal of taking revenge and date a girl, get married, and live happy life.
-- TestingJest on 8/17/2017 3:36:56 AM with a score of 3
I'm critical, honestly. It made both and my friends laugh, pretty decent for third language and for your age as well! Keep up the hard work!
-- sleeplessnutcase on 6/1/2017 9:31:31 PM with a score of 0
Cool. Just a little short.
-- Dude on 4/19/2017 3:46:11 PM with a score of 5
I loved this it was a bit short but I still liked it hopfully we can work together some time!!
-- Wolfcraft334 on 3/26/2017 12:29:45 AM with a score of 0
This was enjoyable. I liked it.
-- VRoman on 3/1/2017 4:24:12 PM with a score of 0
that was rather short however i enjoyed it, although i do wish you would have added more to drakes backstory
-- HannaJoe on 2/21/2017 4:04:00 PM with a score of 0
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