Halloween Fright

Player Rating3.97/8

"#441 overall, #51 for 2016"
based on 63 ratings since 10/27/2016
played 617 times (finished 80)

Story Difficulty4/8

"march in the swamp"

Play Length2/8

"So short yo' momma thought it was a recipe"

Maturity Level5/8

"aren't you a little too old to be trick or treating"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 13. If this were a movie, it would probably be PG-13.

Tags

Horror

A short horror story where you're hazed on Halloween night. While others are trick-or-treating, you're involved in a fight for your life.

Player Comments

Well, I feel the whole "asshole bullies who will literally murder you if you try to fight is a super-unrealistic way to start off the story. You're not going to get murdered for trying to fight against your bullies. Sure, it won't go well, but you could've just had the protagonist beaten up and had his candy taken, so that it just ends on "With your night ruined, you slump home injured and upset." There, you don't have a widely annoying and unrealistic murder, but its still clear this isn't really an ending. You do this ultra-depressing thing a fair bit. Like sure, when the protagonist gets stuck trying to push open the stone door and murdered, that makes sense. but having the investigation cut short because no one cares about you is retarded and having your family killed, and just makes me think you wanted to give the reader a REALLY unsatisfying ending for some spiteful reason.

It seems you switch between the kind of brutal writing style like "...convulsing and shitting yourself like a retarded infant" that's so commonly used by Endmaster, but I don't think it's really a good place to use it in a story told from the perspective of a tiny, apparently normal kid, in a setting that really doesn't justify it. It's just jarring.

I also don't think a group of bully assholes would be willing to face off against a group of cultists in a street battle.

Not really sure what's going on with the cultists, either. Apparenlty they're a bunch of teenagers (not the most terrifying group) that are here to... I don't know. Communicate with ghosts or some shit? Even though they could've just literally walked in to talk to the ghost? That could've been fluffed out.

I really think that ghosts don't have the power to teleport people, and if they did, they'd have to the power to kill the people slightly down the hall in the Mauseleum. Anyhow, I'm sure when you inform Randy that there's a bunch of headless cultists in here, he'll investigate and leg it, especially seeing as they run out when they hear screams from the vampire.

It does seem a lot of the characters in this don't really have any actual traits, or at least none that make sense. There's a street gang willing to murder kids and face cultists in a knife battle even though they seem to have the time to lock kids in Mauseleums and wait there for the night, there's a group of cultists that seemingly haven't noticed the ghost slightly down the hall, and there's a ghost that can teleport people but can't kill those down the hall and is willing to possess you to take your body, but also doesn't when you break into its room after leading to the cultists death for some reason. Admittedly, you had a short time, but there's a lot underdeveloped here that could be worked on.

Although really everything I've said so fair has just been critiques, it was a good story. It was a fairly interesting setting with some choices, and you show a fair bit of quality with your writing. Well done on getting this out there. Hope to read more of your work.
-- Steve24833 on 11/12/2016 7:27:15 AM with a score of 0
This seems to be a decent story from the first page. :)

WARNING: Spoilers ahead. Read at your own risk and all that.

-And tonight's gonna be the night that all changes!"
Forgot the second "that".

-"Finally Randy gets the idea to lock you in the Mausoleum at Spinner's Cemetery on the end of town for the night,"
Sounds a bit strange. Might want to reword this sentence?
I would suggest something like this,"Finally, Randy gets the idea to lock you in the Mausoleum at Spinner's Cemetery for the night."
When you add "on the end of town", it just sounds strange.

-"Of course Randy is livid that you'd have the balls to defy him so him and his friends begin to beat you more than you've ever been beaten in your life."
Forgot a comma.
"Of course Randy is livid that you'd have the balls to defy him, so him and his friends begin to beat you more than you've ever been beaten in your life."

-When you choose the Mausoleum or Old Man Jenkin's, it seems everything devolved into a huge wall of text. I will admit I am feeling slightly disappointed because of this.
Huge walls of text makes it hard to concentrate on your story..

-""whattya waiting for?""
Capitalize the W in "whattya".

Ah, I'll stop with grammar mistakes now.
Overall, this story had okay writing, no spelling mistakes(from what I saw), and barely any grammar mistakes(mostly things that seem to have been accidentally left off and nothing a good proofreading couldn't fix!).
It wasn't linear, with a few different endings. I don't think any of the endings were ever the same, and I applaud you for that!
There was plenty of writing, and despite writing in 2nd person, you didn't start a lot of sentences with "you", something I've noticed in a lot of stories that attempt 2nd person POV.
My only real complaint is the huge wall of text that made it hard to concentrate on the actual story.
5/8 :)
-- Seto on 10/27/2016 1:22:47 PM with a score of 0
Too short.
-- Quorrah on 9/16/2018 11:33:19 PM with a score of 0
Great
I like killing Randy
-- Billy on 5/12/2017 9:46:00 PM with a score of 0
Yeah to be honest I was trying to meet the October 31st deadline therefore why the story isn't at its' best. Sucks especially since only two people actually completed the contest I woulda at least got third place. Well at least I got up a decent storygame, and i'll make sure to take my time with future storygames so they're more satisfying.
-- benholman44 on 11/3/2016 10:51:56 AM with a score of 0
Okay for a first time. Few if any errors in spelling and grammar. My only problem is with how short the story is. It's basically a 7 page story at max. With a little character development or more of a plot you could build a much bigger story easily. This story has lots of potential though so please don't lose hope and continue writing and honing your craft.
-- BigRonn77 on 10/28/2016 9:19:53 AM with a score of 0
This would have been a good contender had it been eligible for the contest. Great first work on your part.
-- Digit on 10/27/2016 10:56:30 PM with a score of 0
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