Leech: The initiation

Player Rating4.50/8

"Too few ratings to be ranked"
based on 21 ratings since 03/23/2018
played 136 times (finished 13)

Story Difficulty4/8

"march in the swamp"

Play Length5/8

"Not going to lose any sleep"

Maturity Level6/8

"I'll need to see some identification"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 16. If this were a movie, it would probably between PG-13 and R.

A short story about two nights in the life of a young vampire.

Edit: I've attempted to sort the grammar and spelling mistakes that I could find, feel free to let me know if you see any others. I attempted to tone down the humour by rewriting some parts of it. I also added some more to the ending in the hopes of making it slightly more satisfying, let me know what you think.  I wrote the vast majority of this when I was quite young so I'd assume it won't be up to some people's personal standards but I also don't think it's terrible. Feedback would be appreciated.

Player Comments

I feel this shows that you could actually do something awesome with vampires, if you cared to put some time and effort into it.

You are right about the obnoxious humor - the narrator style needs to go (unless you're playing a Malkavian I suppose, but still...).

Also ditch the Intro (or Chapters) template and put out a complete story. This one stopped right when it was getting good, which, rather than make me want for more, really just annoyed the crap out of me.

You also mentioned the spelling/grammar mistakes left over from writing this back when. What's the hurry that you couldn't edit it as you copy/pasted in all the pages?

You lost some points for the issues above, but I still rated higher than the majority of first games that folks generally post here.

Being that you are more mature now (hopefully) and likely better skilled as a writer, I really would like to see something like this (in a longer format) from you again. Pretty sure you could get much higher ratings and even a Commendation.

Good luck~
-- BerkaZerka on 3/20/2018 8:48:44 PM
Pretty good vampire story with lots of lovely choices, especially near the beginning. There's some grammar issues but that can be overlooked in lieu of the story and characters. I think the length is good for what it is, especially with the amount of links on each page, but we could have a bit more closure on the endings maybe.
-- Xerxes on 4/17/2018 10:32:07 AM
Pretty good, a few spelling errors but a good story overall. The character was interesting the author called me leech a few more times than necessary but I feel like this is a story I could've vibed with when I was super into the werewolf-vampire thing especially since I preferred it to go down like this. I'd like to see more characters of different supernatural backgrounds in the future though. Other than that keep on keeping on.
-- Killerainbow on 4/6/2018 11:43:09 PM
Its a pretty good story. But I gave it a lower rating because it abruptly ends, the narration style is interesting tho. Sounds like it could be a nice story.
But just write the whole damn thing, because multi-chapter series like this never do well here.

This has potential, keep writing.
-- corgi213 on 3/30/2018 12:37:09 AM
Man, if you know the spelling and grammar are bad, clean it up before you post it. Putting a spotlight on the story's failings doesn't make them magically okay, it just makes it obvious the issue is laziness rather than simple ignorance.

We don't get a lot of horror stories, and rarely very decent ones, but this one would have potential if you polished it up and also picked a tone and stuck with it. Author asides are rarely ever actually funny.
-- mizal on 3/21/2018 6:23:11 PM
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