My Refuge, My Home

Player Rating4.56/8

"Too few ratings to be ranked"
based on 20 ratings since 08/16/2019
played 111 times (finished 23)

Story Difficulty1/8

"no possible way to lose"

Play Length2/8

"So short yo' momma thought it was a recipe"

Maturity Level5/8

"aren't you a little too old to be trick or treating"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 13. If this were a movie, it would probably be PG-13.

Tags

This is a short story I wrote for a writing competition, adapted for a storygame. It's a short-and-sweet, but I thought it was worth a share, so I hope you like it. :)

Constructive feedback is greatly appreciated!

Player Comments

Your storygame has potential. The writings are quite descriptive and flowed well with the story eventhough there are some grammatical mistakes. It's a short storygame so I don't expected much but I would like to address something with your story.
First, I'm not sure with your intention of the main character- Emma. Base on the story, I give a reasonable guess that she doesn't get a long well with the other students and is used to be all by herself base on her reaction when Lizzie asked her to take a seat next to her. The story didn't bring up why she reacted that way so it's a little confused. Furthermore, the process when they became best friends is quite vague. I couldn't know how emotional attached they are with eachother to truly understand and appreciate their friendship. The story mentioned that Lizzie and Emma started to play games with eachother every Saturday but then it didn't bring any other side stories to completely determine their friendship. The part where Emma was at her house and realised that Lizzie is a Christian felt like something missing. In my opinion, in this situation, you actually need to describe how horrible her experience with her aunt and uncle forced her beliefs so than the readers can actually feel sympathize with Emma and can also explain how awkward the situation was. So what I trying to say is that there aren't enough stories to determine Emma's reaction , Lizzie and Emma's friendship and Emma's suspicion.
Well, that's all I got. Your story hold potentials , you just need a little practice and well done. 5/8
-- NormPerse on 8/17/2019 4:00:46 AM with a score of 0
Well you weren't lying when you said it was short, and the choices are somewhat limited, but it was still a fairly decent read. You do have potential to write great things one day!
-- Pirate on 10/9/2019 5:31:20 PM with a score of 0
This quite short story feels as if it's one unified story with a few off-ramps that continue (briefly) the story in other directions, usually ending with the relationship coming to a halt.

Here's what I thought was interesting and innovative--the direct call to the reader to judge the choices that lead to the "true ending"--that's a sort of subtle meta-choice that sits on top of all the other choices. It asks whether the main character is pressing too hard, or whether the religious talk is having the desired effect, or how we feel about the quiet play between these characters. It's really the *only* pull for emotional depths here. In a way, the game asked me to feel more about the characters than we ever really see the characters feeling.

It's a quick whiff of emotion and conversation. Even if the writer didn't say it was a story first, it would have been obvious. More interesting choice structure would help a lot, because some of the description and dialogue has potential.
-- Gower on 9/29/2019 8:19:12 PM with a score of 0
A very touching story. The author sets the pace quite well and is clearly skilled at narrating. The only minor qualm I have is with the below passage.

“It hadn't been twenty minutes since she had sat down next to me before she was already asking whether we could be friends.”

I would think that 3 sentences of conversation would take less than a minute.
-- Victim on 9/26/2019 10:49:41 PM with a score of 0
https://twist.moe/a/ergo-proxy/23
-- Peter on 9/12/2019 6:33:49 AM with a score of 0
I really liked this. The ending actually made me really sad :( which normally doesn’t happen in stories.
-- StupidManatee on 8/17/2019 1:06:35 PM with a score of 0
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