Player Rating2.70/8

"#590 overall, #65 for 2014"
based on 106 ratings since 03/02/2014
played 645 times (finished 97)

Story Difficulty2/8

"walk in the park"

Play Length2/8

"So short yo' momma thought it was a recipe"

Maturity Level4/8

"need to be accompanied by an adult"
Contains content that may not be suitable for persons under age 13. If this were a movie, it would probably be PG.



This is my second story game. I tried to make it with more choices and a better plot. It is very short, but I think it will still be enjoyable.

I still want to add to it or make a sequel. Feedback would be nice. I tried to make it a little more interactive and understandable. So please enjoy.

Player Comments

I really like your stories, I don't care that they're short. Good work. ^_^
Still, it could do with some improvement. The little ghost girl's really interesting, but I think the most important part of any ghost story is finding out why the person is haunting you. Since you never find that out, I don't feel like the story's finished.
-- Briar_Rose on 3/1/2014 6:26:41 PM
I gave a note a tad higher than I'd normally rate this game because I suspect a lot of people simply condemned the length of this story, which feels like a "proof of concept" to me . Apart from that, I just can't understand why your sister have to be brought at the last moment, in only ONE of the endings.
One of the ends where you get saved by an unknown fella seem kind of... bland?
On the other hand, the pace was good, you were quite effective in setting the atmosphere.
I was looking for a "bad" story (to gather examples) but I had a fairly good time playing this. My quest continues, then.
-- mazdark on 11/7/2018 11:02:28 AM
Why does it say you're a young man and then the doctor calls you Ms.?

There are giant spaces between all the lines and it's too short but good job.
-- CastIron on 1/22/2018 9:47:23 PM
This is a tough one because the writing itself is very strong and I like the idea of not much to each page, making the pacing feel faster. But... Its more a poemgame than a storygame. Where is the plot developments. This would barely even count as a short story.

There are waaaaaaaaay too many questions left unanswered:
Why is she being haunted?
What does she have to remember?
Did she remember?
What was the darkness at the end?
How can a ghost kill you?

As far as scripting, that is solid, with back links and try again links on dead ends.

I think you get the point. By leaving so much out, it does not necessarily up the suspense or the horror factor... or even the mystery. It is just an empty story parading as horror. I mean, you could have done so much with the running scene, making is a labyrinth of horrifying obstacles and dead ends.

This style and story has work, but I see it as still very much unpolished and unfinished. I counted many places with no punctuation, for instance. As others have said, it works as an outline.
-- Shyshaeia on 1/21/2018 9:23:01 PM
I think you have some cool ideas. There are a few mistakes that you need to fix however. Look for your tense (past vs. present). Also watch out for "there" vs. "their" vs. "they're".
With some details this could turn out to be a great story. Keep up the good work! :)
-- DragonLord on 1/20/2018 4:37:15 PM
What just happened?
-- CodeShatterer on 1/18/2018 8:27:24 PM
It's cool, but i could not find a way to win... I think you cant win, but it had good story. Keep it up!
-- Mrmunch on 1/17/2018 7:24:19 AM
This story is very good. Sometimes simplicity can speak a lot of words. There's a lot of things missing in this story, which is actually very good in this case. It let's the reader come up with their own story. Even as simple and short as it is, it's very descriptive and well-worth the time.

But I do have a few questions: Why is the girl trying to kill the protagonist? I never went and read back through, because this is my first play through, but does the girl get run over, or does the protagonist turn and miss the girl?

Other than that, it was well done.

-- Okisan on 1/16/2018 11:51:50 AM
This is a bit too spartan to be effective. While the idea of waking up with a faulty memory is classic, you don't do much to make it stand out. The lines are paltry (though not terribly written) and the entire thing is too short. To me it feels more like the skeleton of a story than an actual story. Get some more meat on those bones and you'd have a good tale.
-- Mynoris on 12/23/2017 11:24:59 PM
Before I start ranting about all of the imperfections which your story has, I'll state the positives.

The book was eerie, and the story of the ghost girl is actually interesting. It leaves you hanging with questions, which again is a cliffhanger and doesn't provide the closure which readers like to see. I see where you were going with this story, but you didn't hit your mark.

Now the negatives. I found many mistakes which were constantly being repeated in your game. Punctuation was one of them.


Take this passage as an example. If you don't remember what your elementary teachers had taught you, I'll say it again. There must be punctuation in between the quotation marks. I don't see a period or a comma which is closing up that dialogue. This was constantly being repeated throughout your game which proved to be a major issue to me.

I put up my fists and gave a punch to her neck. She grabbed my arm and squeezed it until I couldn't fell a thing. She then pushed me to the ground and stomped on me until I bled to death

Well, there isn't a period at the end of your sentence so boohoo. The lack of detail really makes this game seem dull and lifeless, and that it is written by a second-grader. As you said that you were a teenager, you should have a more.. ah, refined english than younger children. Also, we want more details in your fight scene. It's so boring, we don't care. We want blood and gore. It isn't called horror for no reason at all!

Also, capitalization was a issue as well in this book. I'll briefly talk about it because you should know that you always capitalize PROPER nouns. "The Man nods his head." will be used as an example. You didn't tell us who this man is, so it wouldn't be capitalized because it ISN'T a PROPER noun.

The lack of detail, lack of development for the characters and the plot, no regard for punctuation or capitalization at all make me rate this a 1/8 or a 2/8.

This had potential, but you had ruined it. I'm sorry if this is harsh, but it is true. Focus on the negatives which I stated above and try to obliviate them. This is the brutal truth, and the truth that you need to hear. My sincere apologies if you take this to your heart.

-- DiniTheWizard on 12/17/2017 3:14:01 PM
Show All Comments