Short Story Of Dragnes The Dragon

HAHAHAHAHAHA! A
w bless you, English is definitely not your first language and you are probably very young as well but you have really done very well in making a beautiful little story here :D The errors are too numerous for me to point out them all (and At Your Throat has already given a great review) but the ones that made me laugh the most I have listed with Kiel Farren style critiques. That said I thought this story was lovely, you have tapped into the true vein of children fantasy adventure writing and I like what you were trying to say with this story (just because someone or some animals do a bad thing to you don’t mean all that type of person or animal are bad, you need to judge people by the individual and not by the generalization).
Anyway here goes:
1) “Your wife died during an onslaught at the Plaza” – until you explained this I was imagining a human stampede for shopping bargains or something.
2) “The onslaught was caused by abundance of dragons” – an abundance you say! Normally are there just a few dragons hanging about? How do you even get an abundance of dragons, I assume they’ve been over-breeding.
3) “Dave ought to avenge her but how?” – Dave, the best of all possible names for a hero. Also he doesn’t seem over bright if he can’t work out the best and most simple way of getting revenge on a dragon that killed his wife.
4) “Since this is the first gamestory I ever made, I don't know how to make the chores part crossed out once it's already read out so I recommend going back and checking the other chores, afterwards you may continue on.” – Aw, this is the bit I loved. There is a way you can do this, if you don’t know how to do something ask in the Forums.
5) “A green-ish yellow smoke appeared from the forest floor.” – I believe greenish-yellow is orange.
6) “You entered the forest with all your bravery.” – Do I carry my bravery around with me or keep it in my backpack? Where do I normally leave it when I don’t have it with me.
7) “you snuck behind each tree” – That sounds oddly fun. It’s sneak, you switch between past, present and future tenses and first and third person narrative quite a lot in this story.
8) “The corpse lay burnt and held a pitchfork, you decided to take it with you as protection from what may lie beyond the forest.” – Oh yeah, cause having a pitchfork handy worked out so well for that guy.
9) “At a moment while in the forest, the air gushed slightly towards you from behind” – I think you’re trying to tell us in a very roundabout way there was a breeze.
10) “By turning around you saw nothing but a partial light that shone from what you thought scales of a dragon” I imagine if you see the scales of a dragon up close it’d be pretty hard to mistake it for anything else. If you happen to be looking at a dragon you probably wouldn’t say to yourself “wow, look at that funny dragon-shaped house”.
11) “You stood your ground and asked yourself. "The dragon is near me. Where is it!? It hasn't made a move yet... why? It might have tried to intimidate me. Surely that thing must have thought that I'm weak and I'm worthless to deal with. So it tried to scare me off instead. Well I am not an ordinary Peasant of the kingdom!" – HAHA! This is my favorite because me character is actually giving himself a prep talk while face to face with an irate dragon on how best to deal with him! The character is trying to convince himself that he is not a weak and worthless peasant when the whole of the rest of the story has supported this idea.
12) “The dragon moved towards your presence.” – My presence? Where did the rest of me go?
13) “The dragon's gleaming eyes felt as if you were being mauled by it's massive size” – Those are some powerful eyes. This metaphor is so funny because I just imagine the character rolling on the ground screaming and crying in pain as if he were being mauled. I imagine if a tiger mauled you and afterwards looked at you then you’d very clearly be able to identify the differences in the two experiences.
14) “" Hahahahah, So human you're determined that you can kill me? with that weapon? Oh This had been very interesting for me. What are you planning on doing human? Hmmm? " – Whenever anyone threatens to kill me with a pitch fork my usual reaction is to laugh and declare the experience interesting as well :D
15) “However your pitchfork did get stuck in between the dragon” – In between the dragon? How has he multiplied?
16) “I will end what grief lies inside you” – he is not just a dragon, he is a therapist as well.
17) “What kind of hatred do you have among us dragons, Death is the only solution for you mere Human!"” – This dragon seems to have morphed into Yoda. This sentence is a bit like when my Chinese friends speak English, I understand the meaning but they don’t seem to quite use English the same way I do.
18) “With the claws of the mighty dragon, it grabbed you and crushed you as you hung dead on the hands of the beast...” – Do his hands have claws and which part have done the crushing? Also this is the first time I’ve read of a dragon grabbing and crushing his victim to death, usually fire or jaws are involved in some way.
19) “The dragon lay it's head near you, looking at what you bared most.” – I probably shouldn’t bare parts of myself to the dragon. What you mean here is “considering your heart’s innermost secrets” or something, if I’m baring things to him I’m exposing parts of my body.
20) “I now know what you bared most, how you act to kill all of us dragons” – I’m sneaking towards him with a pitch fork. It doesn’t take much to work out I mean him harm.
21) “You looked at the dragon directly in it's eyes, you saw how it grew fond of you in what way?” – I have to admit if a dragon grew fond of me I’d be concerned in what way as well. I don’t want to end up like Donkey in Shrek.
22) “Because I know deep inside that you're caring and filled with love." Dragnes replied...” – It’s sentences like this that make me really love this story because you’re using English in a way it’s not usually used which seems to make the story more effective.
23) “I know the feeling of loosing someone very close and I've witnessed it before... We now bare the same fate human” – loosing someone very close? That means untying. Also I should point out “bare” should be “bear”
24) “I hope it made some interesting points and meaning in real life.” – Yes you did and you should definitely keep writing. The more you write the better your English will get, do not get discouraged by any mistakes you make because it is good that you are trying at all when English is still a challenge: there are many Native English speakers who do not write at all because they lack the confidence to try. You should definitely write a sequel and if you need any help or would like anyone to check what you have written just post a message on the Forums :D 4/8

Hmmm, there is a new storygame called “Short Story Of Dragnes The Dragon.” I guess I should check it out. It’s a good thing that I know it is a short story because the 3/8 play length normally does not cue me in onto the length. Also, what is Dragnes? *I google it*. Well, it is either Dr. Agnes or a town in Norway. Finally, there is a grammatical error. “Of” is supposed to be “of.” This worries me.
Okay, now I am on page one. It’s called “A Small introduction of the plot.” I thought that intros are supposed to spoil the ending. Oh well…
“Your name is Dave a Peasant Farmer, a widower who had never held a child of your own.” Why is “Peasant Farmer” capitalized? Perhaps, it is my last name. At least I know that I am a bad father. I never even held my child. I wonder if it is because I don’t have any arms.
“The onslaught was caused by abundance of dragons that encircled the town, and you Dave ought to avenge her but how?” I really wish you would have used two t’s in “but”. Also, why is “you Dave” trying avenge my wife when I, Dave a Peasant Farmer, failed to protect her?
“With the small piece of information about yourself it's time to tell the Story. Please click the ‘Begin’ button to continue to the Story.” What else could I click to advance the plot?
The Next Page
“Chapter 1. Act 1 Anxiety has taken over.” How long is this going to be? You said it was a short story. Those normally do not have chapters.
“It was morning, dawn as the sun rises up. You've awoken around the time the sun was almost noon.” You basically said that the sun is rising in three different ways in the first sentence, but the second sentence contradicts that. If the sun is almost at noon, then it is not dawn. Also, am I suffering from depression or something like that? Farmers traditionally wake up before the sun rises so that they can work before the heat of the day.
You have also listed four option which are basically saying, “Get the heck out into the fields.” There is no need for giving four repetitive options which *spoilers* have no real influence on the plot.
The Next Page
“You inspect the crops and found numerous of plants dead, wilted and dry.” Yep, I am suffering from depression. I can’t even take care of my crops, though it does make sense since I apparently have no arms.
The link to the next page reads, “( Recommendation before you continue ).” This does not look good at all. Not only are you recommending something to the reader, but you put a space between the quotation mark and the word which is grammatically incorrect.
The Next Page
I have to quote this whole page. It’s awesome.
“Since this is the first gamestory I ever made, I don't know how to make the chores part crossed out once it's already read out so I recommend going back and checking the other chores, afterwards you may continue on.
“Click Next again once you read the other chores. This message will pop up in the Previous chores that you might have picked already so you don't have to re-pick the very first one you chose to continue on with the story.” LOL. You just said, “I am too lazy to figure this out on my own or ask for help; therefore, I want y’all to make extra clicks due to my laziness.” How did you think that such a choice is a good idea?
The Next Page
“How Unusual...” Is something unusual about to happen? “While you eat, Outside your house, a smoke caught your attention and you proceed to check it out.” Why is “Outside” capitalized? Are you aware that people call a cigarette “a smoke”? Well, it would catch my attention since cigarettes have probably not been invented yet.
“A green-ish yellow smoke appeared from the forest floor. Do you wish to continue and check it out?
Yes continue
No, It's outside my land and I have no business there.”
Do I want to examine the smoke? I think “green-ish yellow smoke” is a very normal color for cigarettes. (After much debate, I chose “Yes continue”.)
The Next Page
Hey, this page actually seems pretty good. Good job.
The Next Page
“Along the way, you found a dead corpse. The corpse lay burnt and held a pitchfork, you decided to take it with you as protection from what may lie beyond the forest.” I wonder if I knew the dead person who I apparently do not care about. Also, the pitchfork worked well for him, so I might as well use it.
The Next Page
“At a moment while in the forest, the air gushed slightly towards you from behind. This was when you realized that the dragon stood nearby, By turning around you saw nothing but a partial light that shone from what you thought scales of a dragon.” Am I an expert dragon sniffer, or did the dragon not bathe for eons? People normally do not realize that a dragon is close based off of gushing wind. Also, the English in this quote hardly makes any sense.
Now, I get to see the thoughts of Mr. a Peasant Farmer. "The dragon is near me. Where is it!? It hasn't made a move yet... why? It might have tried to intimidate me. Surely that thing must have thought that I'm weak and I'm worthless to deal with. So it tried to scare me off instead. Well I am not an ordinary Peasant of the kingdom!" The dragon is near you, yet I do not know if our hero knows that fact based off of the second sentence. Our hero also seems to think that the dragon wants to scare him off instead of easily killing him? Why do you still want to kill this dragon? Apparently, our hero is racist against dragons. He is also “not an ordinary Peasant of the kingdom” which I suppose to be true due to his depression, dragon sniffing abilities, lack of arms, and lack of common sense.
The Next Page
Okay, it looks like it is a green dragon that speaks. “Not long now until it Spoke... ‘ Who are you... What are you doing in my forest Human! ’ The Dragon angrily spoke.” Why did you says that the dragon spoke before and after he spoke?
The Next Page
Nothing happens. I tell the dragon that I wanted to see the green-ish yellow smoke of a cigarette while he tells me to drop my pitchfork.
The Next Page
I drop my weapon so the dragon says, “Hmmm... I see you had a horrible past human. But I am not involved in the onslaught... Don't bother asking, I can see the past life of every creature I examine.” Ummm… the dragon can read minds? Okay, that’s weird.
“You looked at the dragon directly in it's eyes, you saw how it grew fond of you in what way? you kept that question in your mind for later on.” Other than the grammatical errors here, this is creepy. I hope the writer won’t pair the dragon and the depressed hero together.
The Next Page
“You Asked the dragon questions...” That’s all this page has. I would like to ask the writer a few questions as well. The next few pages will all be short as well which means that the writer probably started to get bored with the story.
The Next Page
“Oh you seek introduction huh? very well. My name is Dragnes, a green dragon.” Well, Dr. Agnes apparently thinks that Mr. a Peasant Farmer is color blind.
The Next Page
“I accepted a neighbor like you, I watched you everyday doing your chores and watering the plants.” Dr. Agnes is a stalker. This is probably going to turn into one of those weird romance stories like The Twilight Saga.
“Because I know deep inside that you're caring and filled with love.” Dr. Agnes probably cannot read minds because our hero is a dragon racist.
The Next Page
“Not all dragons are the same human. You should know that by now.” Did the dragon just acknowledge that our hero is in fact racist? If so, then Dr. Agnes believes that Mr. a Peasant Farmer is a loving racist which makes no sense.
The Next Page
“’huh? What favor do you seek human? You wished aid?’ Dragnes replied...” This is the entire page. Yes, the writer is definitely trying to get this story farted out as quickly as possible.
The Next Page
“‘I will help you find the dragons that have murdered your wife. I know the feeling of loosing someone very close and I've witnessed it before... We now bare the same fate human. I will allow you to ride me. I will be your dragon...’ Dragnes replied...” Mr. a Peasant Farmer is going to ride the dragon. I told you that the writer is going to pair the two together. Also, “loosing” should have been “losing.”
“Chapter 1 Act 1 Finished...” Thanks, the “End Game and Leave Comments” link did not cue me in.
“Thank you for playing this short gamestory of Dragnes the dragon.” It is a storygame you nincompoop.
“I'm trying my best to try make series out of this gamestory but for now I'd post this and see the outcome of your reviews.” You probably won’t like this comment.
“Please enjoy what this story had offered for you and I hope it made some interesting points and meaning in real life.” Ummm… all this taught me was that “a Peasant Farmer” can be somebody’s last name and Dragnes is a town in Norway.
In summary, you could have put a significantly larger amount of effort into this storygame, and you definably should have checked for the spelling and grammar errors. The characters were poorly written as well. I give this a 2/8. The extra point came from the fact that this storygame caused me to laugh in the middle of a library.

Some of the comments on this story were hilarious xD
I don't have much more to add really. I'm glad I spent 5 minutes reading through it as it really cheered me up!

OK story. Needs more length, and maybe some action.

It's as if you didn't try.

Not to be cont.!

Ahahaha, after seeing some of the comments I had to check this out. So worth it, even with this crappy little phone.

You are definitely ESL and probably young, so I want to encourage you to keep writing and practicing. Otherwise...well, most of what I would have written here had already been said. So much of the phrasing used was absolutely hilarious, I had a huge grin on my face. Really, this is a story I wish I could read outloud to someone...

Not one, but _two_ of you beat me to reviewing this beauty of a badfic using my review style? Hmm. Tempted to do one anyway, but it seems so redundant now. Also, I laughed from Will and WBN's reviews until I had tears in my eyes, and I can always use another laugh these days, so I thank you both and the author for making that happen...

Now, as I haven't yet decided to make a silly review, I will make a serious comment now: I do believe that the benefit of doubt given to you by Will11 is fair. You probably do not have English as a first language, or if you do, you must be rather young. That being the case, I will say that this effort is actually pretty decent for a first attempt, I've seen far worse.

However, I also agree with WBN that you evidently got pretty lazy and overly eager to finish at some points. I like this game, but for entirely wrong reasons. Please keep trying, though. Either your next attempt will be utterly hilarious or you'll end up making something genuinely good. Either way, I will be entertained.

Wile the book was not the best you have potential I'd like to see another one

The first try I found the reckless ending, the other the passive ending. The good side and the bad side, nice contrast. The story is good in a way but may need more work in the future. Interesting and fun. I re-played it three times. There are some spelling errors that you might want to check