The Tale of The Foolish Princess

a Dark Fantasy by TharaApples

Commended by EndMaster on 2/3/2021 12:17:01 AM

Player Rating6.59/8

"Too few ratings to be ranked"
based on 19 ratings since 02/16/2021
played 117 times (finished 7)

Story Difficulty4/8

"march in the swamp"

Play Length6/8

"It'll be a while, better grab a SnickersĀ®"

Maturity Level7/8

"anything goes"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 18. If this were a movie, it would probably be R.

foolish-princess-cover-image true.jpg

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Family must die. With a kingdom in shambles, and a crown too heavy in the weight of both responsibility and sin, someone must acquiesce the throne. But what can one princess do?

 

Update: Taking ninjapitka's very helpful and wonderful comment in mind, I've went back to this story to iron out many of the typos that were present in the first publishing. So I want to thank him for basically allowing me to bring a hopefully improved story-game here for you all to experience. However, there still might be some that are present. If so, feel free to point them out in a comment or message me directly if you feel the want/need. In any case, I hope any potential enjoyment isn't too badly affected, and that this is something that can be found fun in some capacity. Thank you to ninjapitka again, and whoever reads this.

Author Notes:

This story is a contest entry for EndMaster's Dark Fantasy Edge lord contest 2. I wouldn’t call the protagonist in this instance an edgelord, but the story does have some rather dark themes to say the least.

Foolish Princess has three endings that you can receive. There's one that is honesty pretty normal. One that can be considered the 'bad' ending. And there's a 'true' ending that can be reached as well. 

I hope you all enjoy it. 

Player Comments

A well structured story with good characters, definitely worth finding the time to read it.

Now, to go a bit more in depth, so beware of light spoilers.

I like the narrator voice, as it both has a character of its own, which stops the reading from becoming stale, and isn't restricted just to the protagonist, as is often the case. Being able to see the thoughts of some other characters is used enough to benefit the story without making it hard to follow.

The characters are also a strong point, which is good, as the plot is driven by them. I think they're well handled, and the confrontations between the groups make for a good read, which brings me to the next point.

Escalation.

The story didn't exactly go where I was expecting, but I consider this a good thing. I don't think what comes later undermines the earlier sections either, which would've been my one possible complaint.

Tension remains even after earlier victories, which helps keep the reader engaged, mainly because the threat isn't just the same thing over and over again, thanks to the escalation I mentioned, but the threats also aren't a simple increasing of scale either. Things stay interesting!

However, from what I noticed, this storygame doesn't seem to branch much.

With that said, the 'fail' endings aren't shoehorned in, they're written as proper continuations based on the choices that just happen to end in death. As such, they do add to the overall story, which is what you'd want.

I do wonder if more endings could've been longer, even if still ending relatively soon. But ultimately this is a good sign, as it shows I would've liked to read more.

But for my last point, I wish to say that the final conclusion was satisfying. Things got resolved, questions were answered, and characters developed.

What more could a reader ask for?
-- Zake on 2/11/2021 6:25:11 AM with a score of 0
This story was much longer than I anticipate, and I applaud this. It was basically a full life story with a lot of characters, events, and failure (at least for me).

Overall, the story isn't that dark in terms of content, which is fine. The darkest thing is that there are conversations and mentions of rape and incest, but these aren't really focused on or elaborated much. It's not particularly violent either. It's more of a dark fantasy in terms of your morals and actions.
I will say that it gets darker as it progresses, which is a good thematic effect.

On the topic of grammar, this story has random tense changes present as well. It's jarring, it should be avoided at all costs, but it's not a dramatic error. Additionally, some of the sentences are run-ons. I think that you attempted to create this sort of sophisticated, noble tone that reflects the main character, and in some places it works, but in others it ends up in weird phrasing, like "whom" being used as a subject.

Spoiler zone: I like that you start the story as a sheltered princess who doesn't really understand what's really going on. I like that there are hints given about what's really happening, like when the twins are forced to attend to some economic matter while you fool around with Holt. They later mention this and I thought, "Hey, I noticed that, cool!" The story becomes darker in tone as Sophia becomes more evil, starting out almost like a fairytale, but then ending with a double suicide and the realization that the king is actually an incest-pedo. A pretty stark contrast, just as contrasting as pathetic, overly-dependent-on-Juliette Sophia compared to merciless queen Sophia.

The formatting is actually really unique, and this is a good example of how to use the storygame medium well. When you die, the narration changes to be condescending, encouraging you to take back your choice and continue on. The optional backstory links are also included at specific relevant moments, where they help you make decisions. This is another bonus with the formatting that helps make some of the decisions easier if you just read a little more. There are also trends between the choices, where choices later in the story mirror those earlier in the story, which once again, helps you make the correct decisions.

In summary, what this story lacks in overall writing, it makes up for with a fairly deep plot and good structure, and is definitely worth an hour or two of your time!
-- WizzyCat on 2/10/2021 12:03:33 AM with a score of 0
I really hate to mention spelling and grammar right away, but it must be addressed. Frankly, there are many, and unfortunately, there are many in the beginning of the story. As I am learning and discovering the setting, I'm thrown off by visuals errors that are easily fixed with proofreading. I'll chalk it up to the contest deadline. Spelling and grammar doesn't have to be perfect, but when it detracts from the story, then it's a problem. I will say, it gets better further into the story. Tense shifting is also something to watch out for. I had a "cononondrum" whether to rate lower because of it, although I ended up "overlooking" spelling and grammar when it came to rating.

Ok, now that's out of the way. Let's get into the good parts. The story has an intriguing main character. Sophia is not the typical rejected Cinderella (although she does have a couple of sisters she doesn't get along with, an understatement to say the least) or a firstborn boss bitch. She's a weird mix of both ends of the spectrum, being royalty, and certainly treated as such as a child, but being eighteenth out of twenty-five siblings doesn't put her high on the totem pole. The struggles that we're shown initially are uniquely felt. And like every good princess, she has a trusty handmaiden.

Also, there were quite a few options in the beginning for background history. They were spaced out well, and I was glad an info dump wasn't forced, especially when the opening isn't jumping right into action. There's even one on the first END GAME link. Cool little thing to include as there is some worth to exploring links.

I also really like the "rebuke" option when it comes to END GAME links. Those of us that have been on the site know the difference between and actual story ending and a dead end. New users often have the tendancy to think the first END GAME link they encounter is the absolute ending. So, creative link to include. Mad props.

There is a cool readability element when the author describes a character. The events in the story seem to halt, like they're frozen in time, while a new character is being introduced by first (and often last name). I imagine it like an interview scene from The Office or Parks and Rec. It's like a cutscene that fits nicely within the context, all attention suddenly shifting towards one character.

The cover art fits the story's theme well. Both the dialogue and character's reactions are anime-y. There's an abundant usage of "..." and getting cut-off mid--

While the opening is linear (more of a prologue, really), choices later on are deeply felt as if they matter. No sudden death, lazy "branching" is found. The author has a good grasp on the branching element of storygames. Certainly an impressive story and entry for the contest.
-- ninjapitka on 2/2/2021 7:21:01 PM with a score of 0
I really love this story. The atmosphere is great and the scenes are dynamic. Sometimes, however, it feels rather linear as most of the choices lead directly to a death scene, well planned but miss certain ilusion of choice. Sophia as character has a very interesting evolution same her dialogue with many characters Jul specially from a posh delicate flower to become a warrior queen hardened by the battle.

Maybe the lore bits could be less obvious and frequent but skip them make the story flow better and they are no really needed to understand the characters and the situation.

Maybe my favourite scene is slapping Roy the description and Roy response are really great and really realistic.

If this story gets expanded, adding content to the choices that now are all direct gameover could be an 8 in my book.
-- poison_mara on 2/22/2021 8:35:15 AM with a score of 0
I got trapped in Hell so I suppose I can make a comment. In short, I would like to praise the lore. The info dumps are OPTIONAL but worth the read. They really make the world feel real and even a little alive. Especially the Rose Kingdom informative page. It really paints a clear picture of the world and what sort of situation the princess finds herself in. Additionally, the grammar is near flawless. Still a bit odd in some places but nothing that was particularly bad enough to stick in my mind.

Now for the characters...

Just good job. They were 3-demensional and felt like the choices affected how they felt about the character. Very, very well done.

I must admit I'm not much into this kind of story on my own time... but I think this is definitely something I will read a few more times just to see what else can happen.

As for the ending(s)... they always felt satisfying and natural. Not every story I have read, even the good ones, had natural feeling endings- but this one did.

Overall, definitely worth the read- especially if you are into the genre.
-- TrueParanormal on 2/11/2021 1:23:53 PM with a score of 0
Show All Comments