The White Face

Player Rating3.02/8

"#412 overall, #34 for 2007"
based on 109 ratings since 09/09/2007
played 780 times (finished 104)

Story Difficulty6/8

"wandering through the desert"

Play Length2/8

"So short yo' momma thought it was a recipe"

Maturity Level4/8

"need to be accompanied by an adult"
Contains content that may not be suitable for persons under age 13. If this were a movie, it would probably be PG.

You have America's future in your hand. You are a brave indian warrior. Little Sparrow is your friend, a girl who wants to save the village from pale faces. She will befriend a brave pale face. She'll help you on your journey too. You must stop the war. Will you fail or suceed? It's your choice. Free the land and win a war, or will you spy on the pale faces? will you have a certain death, or a certain sucess find out in THE WHITE FACE.

Player Comments

Well, you put some time and effort into it. That's obvious.

But I really feel like parts were lazy and thrown together, as if you felt the need to publish it right away and rushed some of it.

I really love and hate the story at the same time, because there were few choices and somewhat abrupt endings, but at the same time the writing was very good and I would want to read more from the author.

And while the choices were few, there was quite a lot of reading. This makes the storygame more story then game, and that might take away from your ratings a bit.

There were also grammar errors, and not just one or two. Closer proofreading is gonna help you a lot in storygame writing.

Like DEP said, expand. Add more branches and overall choices, and this storygame could be much greater then it currently is.

I'm gonna say 3/8. I hope you take this constructive critisism and improve your writing :)
-- MinnieKing on 2/25/2017 3:12:49 PM
Even though the paragraphs were large and I see you've spent some time writing, the many grammatical errors make it look like you rushed. Take your time, develop the story more, and remember to go back and edit. It's an excellent idea, but there's room for improvement.
-- Anubis on 1/2/2009 2:51:53 PM
goosebumps, you are a good writer. You need to spend some more time expanding your storyline before posting a story though... There isn't much of a story here, you just go to the water and check out a ship and then the story ends after you do one or two things.

Go to the ship, shoot someone, die - this is not a story.

Go to the ship, shoot someone, barely escape, lead an raid on the white-man, battle ensues, win or lose the battle, the after effect of the battle - this is a story.

Expand on what you have, and what you will have is gold.
-- donteatpoop on 11/1/2007 8:12:45 PM
Different...

Not much story in it, to be honest. Choices are few, and mix to that too short length.

Sorry, but boring. 3/8.

NOTE: YOU MIGHT WANT TO ASK SOMEONE TO PROOFREAD YOUR WRITING FOR ERRORS IN THE FUTURE. GOOD LUCK!
-- AgentX on 2/22/2017 6:52:36 AM
Not very entertaining.
-- VicMars14 on 1/27/2017 7:41:41 PM
I got one good ending, and one bad ending, a goodending of great flexibility, and a bad ending of certain death. It was too short, however. And failed my expectations greatly. I gave it a 3 however, even though it was short.
-- Chickdove on 12/23/2016 12:25:46 PM
Kinda cool, but really short for me, and it wasnt that interesting.
-- Ginnyweasleybooklove on 7/19/2016 11:43:11 PM
Cool. I bash someone in the head, and then I get hurt "badly". This seriously lacks detail. Please add some more detail.
-- CurseOfTime on 3/23/2016 8:53:39 PM
It was okay, very short, maybe a bit longer and it would be a pleasant story
-- LightningFang on 8/30/2015 5:47:20 PM
This is the most short story I've ever played through in my entire life.
-- LedinFX on 1/28/2015 10:02:07 AM
Show All Comments