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Hi Guys this is my first time writing a story so I just had a doubt that such a story won't be accepted on the site and I wanted to ask you for help these are the pages I've written till now is this "type" of story permitted? Oh and do tell me if this is worth a proper published story too!!!

 

 

 

This fan fiction is based on kimi ni todoke a manga series. If you don't want your experience with the manga to be spoiled then please do not read this.

The reason why I haven't included this in the fanfiction is because I have twisted and turned the story "midway" to such an extent that calling it an addition to the original plot would be inaccurate. So I guess you could call it half-fan fiction.......... :-p (If you have read the entire series you would surely understand why I made this decision; it's just basically imagining myself as a character in this story and thus creating a new character 'me' in the original plot)

Now that this is clear; to any fellow otaku fans out there I apologise if I'm not able to give you the level of depth you experience from the actual manga(since I'm nowhere near the level of karuho shiina)  but nevertheless I hope you like this.

To all other readers well if you know about the story upto this point it certainly would help to better grasp and "feel" the story nevertheless if you don't want to go through the painstaking effort of reading scans from the net (and ruining your laptop with viruses) I've covered the story in a short summary at the beginning (at least upto the point were my fanfiction starts.)

Last point I know that the stories here are CYS format but you see... I really really want the story to come out the exact way I am writing( or typing ) it so I apologise for that. So yes you will not have any "choices" to make except for pressing "continue" that is.

This is my first attempt at writing a story ( or anything in general) so any and every constructive criticism is appreciated. :-)

As mentioned in the description this is a fanfiction with no choices also to all readers who are not familiar of the story till the point where I'm "fan fictioning"(if that is a word...) from this is a short summary ; though i highly recommend that you read the original manga first if you don't want it spoiled.

SUMMARY

(In the ladies washroom of Kitaharo High )

Girl 1: Hey have you heard about that new girl Sadako?

Girl 2: Yeah yeah I heard some people discussing rumors about her. They were saying that if you stare into her eyes for more than three seconds you will get cursed!!!

Girl 1: Really?!! that sounds so scary. She must be very creepy. Oh yeah someone was saying that she even had the ability to sense the supernatural!!!

Girl 2: What?! I don't think I would have the courage to meet her now...

(...........Suddenly a hand touches the shoulder of girl 1......................)

(............A shrill scary monotone voice comes from behind them...............)

 

Sawako: Ex...excuse me....you dropped this here.

( A ghostly girl with an errie smile faces them holding a pen in her hand )

 

Girl1/Girl2: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

( They RUN screaming out of the washroom)

 

Girl 1: SORRY WE ARE SO SORRY!!!!!

Girl 2: YOU CAN KEEP THE PEN IT'S OKAY!!!

 

 My name is Kuronama Sawako a 17 year old girl currently in her sophomere year in high school in a sleepy old countryside in the northenmorst island of Japan Hokkaido.  For some reason people are always apologizing to me. I'm sorry to disappoint them but I can't sense spirits and my name is "Sawako" not "Sadako" which means a refreshing child.

( NOTE: In japanese words are written in a combination of characters called "kanji" each kanji have their own seperate meaning when read independently but have a different meaning when read together. Sadako's name comprises of 2 kanji when read independently they mean refreshing child in stark contrast to her nickname "Sadako" the name of a lead ghost actress from the movie "ring" a horror movie.)

 

Sawako's personality can be described as somewhat special. Since elementary school she used to always stand out of the crowd as a strange individual. She always used to give out a creepy aura which grew to such an extent that the people around her nicknamed her "Sadako" ( the name of the ghost lead actress from a horror movie).

 

But this shy untalkative girl always strived hard to get along with the crowd but her fears of being rejected by her companions led to an untoward affect. She didn't have the courage to voice her opinion, or to make friends , or to even correct people about her real name. People would always get freaked out of her and would instantly apologize to her then run off. 

 

This reaction was pretty normal for her since she was used to this all the time. But all of this was about to change soon....

[Spring the time of Cherry blossoms]

[The streets to Kitahoro High school were covered with sakura blosssoms from trees hanging overhead. The atmosphere and weather was rich and beautiful]

Sawako: (Spring has come pretty early this year)

A boy dressed in a high school uniform was standing looking confused at the crossroads.

Sawako: Excuse me, if you're looking for kitahoro high it's that way [she points to the correct direction]

Boy: Thank You.

Sawako: ( He smiled and thanked me......to me the girl who everyone is always apologizing to. Ever since that day Kazehaya-kun has been my dream come true......)

Kazehaya looks at Sawako once more and he saw a huge cheerful smile on her face. Filled with allurance and radiance it seemed to lighten up the alreday beautiful weather. 

Kazehaya: (This feeling.....what is this throbbing feeling in my heart.......)

(NOTE: In Japan it is considered disrespectful to call someone by their first name. Only family memebers, close friends and couples can call each other by their first name. In fact it is a huge thing for a person to call their crush by their first name it can be considered as a proposal. This is why you see Sawako calling Shouta by his sirname Kazehaya and Kazehaya will also call Sawako by her sirname Kuronama)

Since that day on many things and events happened. Shouta Kazehaya was very popular from his school days. His fame being partly gained from being a midfielder in middle school and due to his lively and cheerful nature. A lot of girls admired and had a crush on him and this same trend continued to highschool.

However he used to always talk to Sawako every day.  He used to encourage her to approach and talk to people because of which Sawako could make her first friends. Sawako treasured her friends more than anything in this world.

She was so happy that she could finally get along with the class now and that was all thanks to Kazehaya kun. She admired him and always aspired to be like him , but she never knew his true feelings for her. Kazehaya did not have the courage to confess either.

He may seem popular on the inside but in truth he has a lot of trouble in expressing himself especially to his crush. Eventually though Sawako falls in love with Kazehaya too but thinks that it is nigh impossible for her to date someone like Kazehaya kun she thought that he was way out of her league. Her two best friends mentioned before take the initiative and try and set them up.

On new year's eve they set her up with kazehaya and both of them spent time alone though none of them could confess. Kazehaya was surprised to learn that Sawako's birthday was on new year's eve that is today!!! So he wished her and on the very next day he bought her a cell phone strap (The kind of strap which used to be put on flip phones back in the day). This was just before the start of their junior year in highschool. And this is the point where I come in..........

[This was as accurate of a summary I could give. The story goes on from here and they realise they fall in love, confess and blah blah.......you get the drill. If your interested in knowing that part then you should check out the maga. Oh and the first season of the anime ends at this point too so you can watch the first season and come back here for a more elaborate experience.That is if I am able to give you such an experience......]

On an airplane headed to Sapparo, Japan.

  Keitaro: Ah looks like I went to sleep....

 My name is Urashima Keitaro. I'm 17 years old and this is my first time coming to Japan. My name might sound pretty Japanese to you but I was born and brought up in the west. You see my father was american and my mother was japanese. The reason for this untimely visit to my mother's homeland was because I was going to be admitted to a highschool here for my junior and senior years. My parents thought I was too lazy laying at my laptop and playstation all day so they thought it would be good for me if I started living alone and became more "independent" in short they kicked me out of the house because I was a  "good for nothing game addict" in their eyes. According to them sending me halfway across the world (without my playstation) would make me a much better adult.......you wish. 

To be honest though I was actually pretty excited about living in Japan and that to in my mom's hometown due to me being half- japanese and all. I'm decently fluent in japanese and can read and write just fine all thanks to my mom's long tutoring lessons.

I honestly expected this to be a pretty long flight but after sitting for 16 hours in the same seat I really am felling frustrated. How much freaking longer!!!

After another hour we finally land at Sapporo airport. As I get off to claim my baggage I meet my grandparents who immediately start speaking to me in full blown japanese. I was having a really hard time understanding their northern hokkaido accent...

Grandfather: Ah! Keitaro how was your trip?

Me: It was fine though but I'm really tired....

Grandmother: You must be you've had to sit through such a long arduous journey. But don't worry you will be fine after a good night's sleep all ready for a new day in highschool.

Me: What! I'm going to school from tomorrow!!!(I accidently said that in english)

Grandfather and grandmother stand there looking confused.....Ah man I hate this.

(I repeat my statement in japanese)

Grandfather: Of course your a young man and you should always be active. Also you will have a hard time adjusting yourself so the sooner you start the better.

So Here I am standing in front of Kitahoro high in my school uniform. I'm a little nervous to be frank. Japanese people sure have a hard time adjusting to foreign tourists but a foreign high school friend? It's not gonna be easy getting along here. Why did my mom decide to send me to a local school?? I could have simply gone to a private english medium school along with those transferred army officer kids!!

 

If there's no choices, I'd recommend a different medium. This is a CYOA website. If you do decide to publish here, I'd also recommend a different format. You have the dialogue written like a play script, which isn't very condusive for anything that isn't a play/movie/visual novel.

Ok thanks for your reply :-)

I'll work a bit on the format to make it look like the reader is reading a novel. Actually I was just imagining the characters in my mind as i typed so it came out a bit like this. 

What do you think about the general idea though is it a good one ?

Hmm I don't know if you grasped all that Leora was trying to tell you. This site is called "chooseyourstory.com" for a reason, you know? If you just want to write a fanfiction with no choices at all you should simply go to one of the many fanfic sites and post it there.

As for the story in itself, apart from the dialogue problem, you'll want to revise the punctuation.

Welp, this is a bit different, doesn't help that fan-fiction doesn't seem to get brought up all that often (or maybe I just rarely notice it). Anyway, I will say that it is great that you are passionate (or seem to be) and that you are willing to take constructive criticism.

I will try to keep this short.

Parent's motives seem logically flawed, but I get the feeling that doesn't matter, and it is delivered by an untrustworthy source, so who knows! Also a 17 hour direct flight seems off to me... but possible (?), depending on where exactly it originated. Blurting out a sentence in the wrong language is rather weird to me, but given my knowledge I guess it is technically possible (?).

Oh, also big relief that there are grandparents here. I thought the protag was going to be fully isolated, but I guess they can still live alone despite grandparents being around the corner (not literally, but maybe literally). At least getting food should be easy...

What I do find weird is that protag's parents want him in Japan for high school, BUT sent him to arrive the day before school starts. Heck, even Grandfather mentions it is best to start adjusting early!

Odd spot to end this on, cliffhanger I guess, but it literally happens after a time skip to 'tomorrow', which makes it feel a bit awkward.

I get the feeling the protagonist is rich (or has rich parents I should say), and with their name meaning Blessed I am very worried that this could easily turn into simple wish fulfilment for you. Self insert protagonists run that risk, so it is important to be aware that it is a risk, and be careful not to fall into. Generally, readers don't want to read nothing but author wish fulfilment for no reason. Will be very interesting to see how you characterise the protag going forward, and how you tie it into the Kimi ni Todoke setting.

Your writing looks decent to me, but I feel some of the flow is lacking due to quick time hops. Be careful with using them, since it can lead to the story feeling like it is just a list, i.e. Thing 1 happens, then thing 2, etc, as opposed to actually being a story happening. I'd advise after writing it to go over it with a critical eye and really paying attention to how it flows, I'd also advise reading it out loud (or mouthing the words) to help identify any problem points. Ellipses (...) are three dots, and have a space after them. Punctuation issues can generally be caught when proofreading, but do keep an eye out for it since it can sneak by rather easily.

The note sections are informative, but not usually something you find in writing. They mess with pacing and break immersion, so I'd drop them. Like, we don't need to know that the secondary protag has a nickname based on an actress, but if readers DO notice/figure it out, it will be a nice little thing that makes sense. Outright saying it in a Note section, as mentioned, breaks pacing and immersion.

Finally, yeah you shouldn't publish this here. You stated yourself that: "I know that the stories here are CYS format but you see... I really really want the story to come out the exact way I am writing( or typing ) it so I apologise for that. So yes you will not have any "choices" to make except for pressing "continue" that is."

So you know this doesn't belong here, so while yes, I know, this site is great with wonderful people and everything, BUT, this still won't belong here, at least not in the form of a storygame (since it isn't a 'game' in any part). You should still write it, heck, I encourage you to, but don't use this editor, go to another amateur writing site that will support this. Heck, isn't there a fanfiction site basically designed for this type of story?

Another finally, you don't give enough to really judge if what you have is a good idea. Like, as I am not familiar with the source story, I do not know what an extra character will bring to the table. Just adding a new protag for a pre-existing setting is not in and of itself a good idea, or a bad idea. It is an idea, but how you execute and to what extent is what will determine if the story is good. So I'd say the idea can work, but I have no idea where you actually plan on taking it, but if you follow the events of the source story then there will probably still be a narrative progression so I guess... it can work?

Oh also, when I said I'd try to keep this short, I didn't try hard enough.

TL;DR
You are correct, this doesn't belong here, check out some other sites that this would actually belong at, and feel free to tell us which one you decide upon. As for the writing, I say keep at it, but remember to proofread! The idea can work, but whether you will make it work depends on what you manage to create, since the idea itself isn't really something special, and the writing you showed us is just a summary and protag introduction. So keep writing, but don't publish here because this site is for 'CYOA' format stories. Best of luck!

P.S. If the mother is Japanese, shouldn't protag have his father's American last name? Heck, if they were living in America wouldn't it make more sense to have given their child an American name? None of this really matters... but I still wanted to mention it.

P.P.S. I'm (once more) trying to be a bit humorous in my delivery, so feel free to tell me if I wrote something stupid or if something doesn't make sense, and I'll try to explain what I meant. My intent was for all this text to be at least a bit entertaining, but I do hope you got something worthwhile from all this, because that is (one of the three) true goal(s).

Thank you for this really and I’ll work on the points mentioned heck I just tried to read what I typed before again and well I’m gonna scrap it and try again. Oh and I also have some ideas for making this into a CYS format. Well your right I hadn’t thought about the story from this logic and yeah coming just a day before high school starts that’s just stupid on my part. I literally feel like everything just went out of hand at some point it’s like “Wow this idea sounds good I’ll include this. Oh no no that was not good this is good. No no that idea sucks I’ll put this one” and on and on in this viscous circle. 

I didn’t get the part about the ellipse(...) though could you tell that once more?

 

 

Yeah, it's been said, but no you can't publish a story that is not a CYOA on a site for CYOAs.

Even if you had choices, there's no way this would meet minimum standards short of a complete rewrite. You've got...let's see, the entire thing is formatted like a screenplay. There are characters literally referred to as 'Girl1' and 'Girl2'. 'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!' is genuine character dialogue that is contained within this story. Lots of more basic errors too. Constant author asides interrupting things. And all that aside it seems to be one of those things where a Mary Sue-ish author self insert is shoved into the story which even fanfic readers hate. Considering the subject matter of 'self insert of Japan-obsessed author gets sent to school in Japan! ^_^' it almost reads like a parody but I suspect the truth is far cringier.

In conclusion... @Digit I take back everything bad I've ever said about you. It was uncalled for and I'm sorry.

Tried to read it again and maybe process more of the words and just couldn't. Everything else aside, it's incredibly disjointed and even more incoherent than it seemed at first glance. Anyone want to try and play count the POV and tense switches on this? Who the fuck is the main character even supposed to be?

To the author: get off the internet, put the mangas away, go talk to a living human being and later on try reading a book. There are some really basic things about natural speech and interaction you seem completely oblivious too.

Thanks for bringing out that point I’ll rewrite the full thing and will make sure it  dosen’t sound like an elementary school’s play. Oh and really thanks for attempting to read this inspite of it not being appealing. I’ll try and make the dialogue sound more realistic. I have some good ideas for making this into CYS format and I hope I don’t screw that up. :-p

 

What you're trying to make is one of the easiest type of stories to make into a CYOA. Add a few other romance options based on other characters in the original fiction work, have a few different paths you could go down with the main boy or girl or whatever the hell, or go down any endless route that you can go down in adding choice to a story.

Yup hoping to do that. 

Seriously though this site sure takes good care of everyone, never expected to get so many helpful replies :-)

Glad you think so. Just know that because of that, we're fairly brutal when it comes to criticizing. We tend not to be downright mean unless someone publishes something that they clearly didn't put much work into, but no matter how great something is, they'll be heavy criticism. Just have tough skin and remember we're only trying to help.

I was being mean, on purpose, but now he's being nice and I'm confused and unsettled.

Is it a he? I would've thought anime meant she more likely.

Oh, see I was assuming autism because of the anime, and those are usually guys.

Aw, don't be mean, grouchy old Mizal.

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