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I need help with my story game that I have been currently working on. It's a horror story that is yet to be named, and I would appreciate it if a few people (2-3) could read through the first chapter of it and tell me what they think so far. I have written a decent 84K and would like to know what I need to do to build the suspense and horror aspect of the story. I want it to be scary enough that it will give people nightmares, and right now, my story Isn't scaring me (it used to). I want to know if this is because I'm the one working on it, and I'm just immune to it now. Or is it because my story is not, piss your pants scary.

Sadly It's tough to write a horror story just because of the fact that building suspense in a story is harder than in a film or movie, and I've really been focusing on that lately. In movies, you can use a bunch of special sound effects that will trigger suspense and the feeling of fear without anything scary playing on the screen. This effect is tough to replicate with just words since words don't trigger the natural feeling that something terrible is going to happen. I'm kind of drawing a blank thinking about ways to scare people by using words and would like a lot of help. Thanks to the format of my story game, I only have to change a few pages to add big chunks in or change whole sections, and I would overall want help on it.

 

Huh, you call it a story, but then mention chapters (which I relate to novels), so now I'm curious how large you're expecting this to be (not that it really matters). Also, you say story game at the end, so now I'm extra confused, as there is no link to it.

As such, if it is a storygame you're writing, I would have put it on sneak preview and put a link here. Although, it seems it is currently not on sneak preview (or I'm just stupid).

Other than that, I should mention that horror is not my strong suit, so I'll just list some of the general advice here:

• Tension is good!
• A sense of powerlessness is a common tool.
• Getting readers to relate and think about what they are reading will help (shocking, I know).

Horror

Scaring people with words is an interesting thing, and two general places it can come from are concept and empathy. Or at least that is what I'm thinking right now. Anyway, rather than rambling, I'll instead ask how many horror books have you read?

I know horror books exist, so seeing how other authors make stuff scary would be a good idea, at least if you truly wish to 'give people nightmares'. Also, if this is something that'll be available online, you can use jump scares! Just set a loud sound to play and hope the reader doesn't have their volume set to zero.

Jokes aside, I think high writing quality (or very purposeful writing) is necessary for horror, as otherwise the suspense/tension can just deflate, as the reader is taken out of the experience. Keeping readers immersed/engaged would thus be paramount.

Learning a bit of the technicalities of writing might help with this, such as Gower's recent article: Cumulative Sentences, Part 1.

The rhythm and structure of cumulative sentences makes you describe fully, thoughtfully, pushing you, the writer, to return to your original thought, demanding that you think about both how the sentence sounds rhythmically and how much precision of description you are offering. It sounds amazing. It has, and I am not attempting to exaggerate for effect, a hypnotic pacing if done well.

Sounds like it could be used to great effect in horror, no?

Conclusion

Maybe bump this thread on the 1st, as the contest will be over, so more people would have time to spare. However, you do say you'd like people to take a look at the first chapter, so does that mean the 84k is just the whole thing so far, or is that the first chapter length?

Regardless, for horror, I personally think hashing out the concept thoroughly, and then getting a complete draft written, which can be revised and edited later, is the way to go. This might just be me, but I find horror extra tricky to write, so I think a drafting approach makes more sense, but hey, you'll know what works for you better than I.

Okay, I apologize about the confusion it's a Story Game, and it has chapters because it is linear until later in the game where the choices you make affect who the character is.

I do use the sense of powerlessness a lot in my horror story, and since it is about mind manipulation, a lot of it is relatable to people with mental issues. But I feel as if it lacks the build-up of suspense and horror.

I've read a whole bunch of horror stories that I'm planning on reading through again, and I have watched and read many creepypasta urban legends. Fun fact, I actually got the overarching idea for the story game through watching creepypasta. 

Writing horror used to be a lot easier for me, but I've come a long way from what I was when I started this project a year ago. Moreover, Thanks to my time spent reviewing stories and participating in the forums. I have exponentially grown as a writer.

So imagine me reviewing and proofreading what I wrote a year ago. Basically, I'm starting to become skeptical about the actual horror concept in my story. A lot of horror games on the website tend to stray from the overall horror aspect. Also, all of the higher-rated story games in the horror section aren't piss your pants scared horror. They just have zombies or evil creatures (basically zombies), or they include messed up psychopaths. So it's difficult for me to find a longer length, decent story game to compare and base my work off of, so I just wanted some people to review it, that's all. 

 

Yes, it's a Storygame but more of a story than a game.

You've written 84 thousand words and still haven't really built on the suspense of your horror story? That's got to be at least 1/4 of the finished product!

Yes, you are right. I'm about done with the first chapter of my story game, which is approximately 84K words. I'm going over and proofreading it, and I thought how about I get a review from people who no what there doing. This is my first story game, so I'm freaking out just letting you guys review it.

I'm not sure if the story is suspenseful, but I want to get confirmation from somebody who isn't me.

The link to my story game is here The Monkey Man.

Please don't kill yourself trying to correct the immense amount of grammar mistakes I made. I am currently going over and changing them; this is not the finished product, and it will be regularly updated. 

 

You have to turn on sneak preview so we can view it.

It is officially in sneak preview.

It might be a little while before I can take a closer look, but I will say that a lot of your paragraphs seem to start with 'You'. This is something that seems to happen easily on second person stories, but I'm not sure how big of a deal it actually is. Still going to mention it though.