Well, I might as well do this once again before it ends up being so long that I will just put if off indefinitely, heh. Granted, it looks longer because the font isn't miniscule now, and in the future it should be easy enough just to read the changed parts.
Chapter Thoughts
One - Aithne
The head candles (in this case, the crown) reminded me of Dark Souls 3 (to a small extent) and the Necromunda Cawdor.
Not sure what I expect you to do with this information, but it is a cool visual (even if having melting wax near your hair may be questionable).
I guess I will say that the princess not being a queen is something I'm curious about, but this can obviously be explained later (and doesn't even have to be directly explained). I bring it up because she seems to be at the top of the hierarchy (at least in the introductory scene), but she isn't 'the queen', so it leaves me wondering if there is someone above her.
Seeing mention of 'non-euclidean' reminds me of something I've heard about in the past that I'm too lazy to verify properly, that is, our world is non-Euclidean. Euclidean is flat (2 dimensional). So all clothes are non-Euclidean, since they exist in a 3d environment.
Except, with a little googling, it seems Euclidean works fine for smaller stuff where curved space is not noticeable, and non-Euclidean is also used to mean stuff besides just 'not Euclidean'. The spellchecker is also telling me to capitalise Euclidean in non-Euclidean.
Pretty sure people will know what you mean tho.
However, I will say that now I'm wondering if using Euclidean at all in your work makes sense, since it is based on a name and so tied to history. But then again, that's language for you...but I don't expect the narrative voice to use 'car-like' as a descriptor in fantasy (but depends on the type of fantasy), so who knows!
Hopefully my point makes sense, and I think it is just something for you decide on (and be consistent with). I do think this tangent has gotten a bit out of hand tho.
Going to skip the chapters I've read before, since it looks like this post will be longer due to the more stream of consciousness style for these sections.
Seven - Charnn
I wonder if there is symbolic meaning behind the smaller blue bird beating the red hawk. HMM.
Anyway, I like these descriptions.
I will say that I wonder about slaves earning their freedom in 'a few years', makes me think of them as more indentured servants. Just a thought, and besides, I wouldn't be the guy to try and scam a " giant ".
Also, is this a mistake: When the call to arms had been wounded by house Septark he had joined the military,
I'd also space out the counting: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
Spider god Jali reminds me of Anansi, but that's a very surface level observation. I guess it could be a potential point of inspiration if you ever find yourself in need of one.
Eight - Darnun
The Coordinate was capitalised the first time it was used, but not the second. Pretty sure you want to be consistent with this.
This scene seems a bit off, but I might just be partially distracted, as it isn't like it is bad either.
I guess it is because Darnun seems very in control, and then his opponent is just 'centre Tyfling' (names are revealed later tho). The framing makes Darnun's victory weaker? I don't know. Remind me to read this again some time and I'll see if I was not just thinking about it...poorly.
There are parts I like tho, which is what confuses me more, aha.
Nine - Gawn
Oh, red harlequins' name reminds me of Rakdos (from MtG), and Grimm's troupe (from Hollow Knight). Again, I'm not sure what you'd do with this information, but now you know.
Anyway, I wonder if the harlequin fight has any symbolic meaning. HMM. No colour for the fourth harlequin tho?
Also, interesting that this sort of performance can happen near Gawn's homeplace. Obviously, it depends on many factors, but I thought I'd mention it, since I don't get the feeling they'd approve of it (but that doesn't mean they can stop it).
Ten - Zacki
This answers my previous questions regarding the trial by combat, aha.
More importantly, SKELETON KING! No more just a name.
I like your take on them, since I was expecting them to just be a human (or other race) who was a skeleton, which don't get me wrong, can be good, but I think this approach is more unique and has some interesting potential.
Also, Haridan, I swear I've seen or heard this name before but I can't recall where. It irks me.
Looking forward to the outcome of this fight.
Eleven - Aithne
Dreams, I always wonder at if they're some prophetic thing (as that can be tricky to do well). Seems here they're about the past. Neat!
Also, hey, there IS a queen! I wasn't sure if I should go back to edit this in earlier, but regardless, this is answering some of my questions.
HMM. Did I foreshadow by using 'HMM' earlier? My questions of symbolism seem to hold more weight given this green star, attacked ankle, etc. I like it, even if how good it is will depend on the completed work (as that is where how it all comes together will be clearest).
Eye in the sky opening is something that I'm wondering about more now too.
If it wasn't clear already, you've got me interested, aha. How helpful is your world building doc? Just curious, as I haven't tried writing with one (or rather, one that is big).
Twelve - Gawn
Imagine offering a massive upset to known life and saying "Oskar, who has a way with words, will explain the rest on the way, now do you accept!". I'm exaggerating, but narratively I see no way she doesn't accept.
This does make me wonder why I have no doubt about this. I guess it is because the alternative is a 'bad' ending, and as I don't expect this to be the length of ASOIAF, I don't expect you to treat your pov characters the way ASOIAF did theirs in the beginning.
If Gawn does decline (and gets one or no more chapters), I'll be very surprised. I'm not saying you should do that, as I'm sure your plans for Gawn are probably more interesting than a single subversion of expectation. I guess if her arc doesn't work this'd be a good spot to come back to and cut her out? But cutting pov characters is probably best avoided at this stage.
On an alternative note, Gawn ought to be suspicious of this man who is only helping her now. But hey, there could be a reason he didn't help sooner...and a reason her mother didn't help either.
Also, in the text you call it Miremill, but in the PAI you call it Mire Mill. I'd stick to one, but I guess there could be a reason to have them be different.
Thirteen - The Queen of Fire's Servant
Interesting character name. Stuck out.
Simile saying fine fabrics fit like flames is an interesting way to describe it.
Oh, here's a question: do you laugh while writing?
Fourteen - Gawn
My prediction was correct! Although I could've gone back to edit it...
Didn't mention it regarding the harlequins, but spot/searchlights feels modern to me, even if the word choice does make sense. I don't know what I'd replace it with, so keeping it is fine. (I considered cutting this line).
Salt womb magic sounds fun.
Ah yes, no one will think that the most important Tyfling on Pân is travelling with an untrained squire, but what about an untrained squire with a renite blade forged in the fires of the first furnace on the scorpion isle by house Grënkin? And what if the Tyfling has a chained book?
Currently this is just a nitpick that can easily not matter, but I do wonder if anyone will notice those gifts they've gotten.
Hold up:
“What will you do now though, master?”
“We will wait.”
Shouldn't you not wait but go to the princess? Yes, he could be talking about the plan regarding the Tyfling, but I'm showing there's some openness regarding the question. If it is supposed to specifically be about the plan, I'd word the question differently, since like this it is a little humorous due to the alternative interpretation (where he is not gonna go to the princess).
Fifteen - Zacki
Alright, sanguine and that other fancy word for blue you used before is now starting to stand out. I guess I don't see the words often, and I don't think their use is wrong or bad, but I will say that I hope your use doesn't grow to be excessive (as then it can get distracting). The imagery is nice tho.
Oh, I guess I'll make my prediction for the winner: Teabla. Confidence here isn't anywhere on the level of my Gawn prediction, but I do still think that the narrative of 'failing and being disgraced' isn't the one you're going to go with. Now that I phrase it like that, my confidence in the prediction has actually increased.
I guess that if I can predict the major plot beats & conflicts consistently, some elements of the tension may bleed away. The story can still be good as long as it doesn't hinge on the ambiguity of who will succeed. But this isn't something to worry about much (edit - because the prediction was wrong anyway!).
Anyway, overall my guess is there will be happy ending where frost and flame both lose (alongside the Greenkin, heh). A fourth, colourless, and happy outcome that falls from the moon eye is my weaker continuation of this prediction. But the overall outcome isn't the interesting part, it is the journey and ideas that are explored, so even if I'm right it hardly matters.
Teabla yelling her out her specific frustrations is a death flag (similar to a sudden mention of family back at home). This better not cost me my prediction!
One of the superiors saying 'Fuck' is interesting to me. Such a swear feels modern (again, to me), but it does depend on the setting you want. I know I've used fuck in certain fantasy settings. Readers understand it.
I do think having them say 'nine hells' (or something else world building related) is more colourful, as it builds up the world and is more interesting than a slap (that swears ought to feel like, that can be jarring). I guess it depends on what effect you're going for. Worht thinking about.
Moving on, Zacki trying to jinx my prediction...my faith wavers!
Welp, my prediction was wrong. I like the payoff for the boot tho, an unexpected Chekhov's gun! Very nice to see.
I will say that the Frost side seems like the bigger bad guys atm. Will see how my perception of this changes with time.
Is the large pool of water the green flies are going to the underground lake? Obligatory HMM and musing on symbolism.
So Far
I like it! I think the pacing is good, but I can be a bit hit or miss at identifying that, aha. Don't think I was confused at any point, but who knows, might've misunderstood something. Regardless, solid stuff, I just hope the Discord doesn't kill your productivity (my biggest concern imo).
I know there's more chapters, but writing like this is taking longer than I anticipated, so I'll have to finish them later.
Grammar Mistakes
Dialogue Punctuation
This was mentioned before and you said you'd make adjustments etc, but there's still issues.
“My lords, my ladies, my princess”, the man announced,
Take a look here, you've got the comma outside the quotation marks!
Should have it be: “My lords, my ladies, my princess,” the man announced,
The comma's purpose here is to connect the dialogue with the attribution ('the man announced' part), making them part of the same sentence.
When you have a question mark (?) or exclamation mark (!) at the end of the dialogue, you don't change them to a comma (but they are treated as a comma for the purposes of capitalisation).
e.g. "My Liege!" he shouted.
I based the example on: “My liege!”, Bantor said.
Here, you'd just drop that comma outside the quotation marks.
“I refuse to believe that our enemy can simply be defeated with mere words, look how they left us to starve less than a year ago!” One woman said,
Notice here you capitalised 'One', but 'one woman said' is an attribution, so it has to be part of the sentence being spoken.
“I refuse to believe that our enemy can simply be defeated with mere words, look how they left us to starve less than a year ago!” one woman said,
Personally thought, if ending dialogue with a question/exclamation mark, instead of said, I'd use questions/shouts instead. Keeping attributions simple and mostly using said is good, but with shouting and questioning I think using other simple words is still acceptable (i.e. questions, shouts, yells, answers).
Oh, finally, with all that said, if you've got dialogue starting after a full stop, capitalise the first word.
her feet pointed towards her guardswoman. “let us not forget that [text]."
Should be: her feet pointed towards her guardswoman. “Let us not forget that [text]."
Now, dialogue can continue across multiple lines, in which case it wouldn't get the 'first word capitalised' treatment. With that said, if dialogue starts mid-sentence (after a comma), you would still capitalise the first letter.
e.g. "Silence," she said, "let the princess speak."
"Silence," she said. "Let the princess speak."
She said, "Silence, let the princess speak."
Anyway, I hope this helps show why dialogue punctuation can actually be interesting (rather than just random annoying rules). The way your sentences are constructed can impact their meaning and flow. I'm not the best at actually putting that into practice, but it can be cool to consider (especially for more important scenes...but all scenes should be important in some way).
Gower's Article was linked before, and I think it is pretty good at being clear (the examples are great since they cover many situations, like the attribution being in the middle, at the start, etc. instead of just at the end).
Here's a much less readable article from The Editor's Blog that I used to link to in the past. It is the reason I call the attributions dialogue tags (sometimes anyway, I am trying to be more like Gower now). I think the examples can still be useful, but your mileage may vary.
Ellipses
I'm much less confident regarding this, but I think that with ellipses you generally don't put a space at the end.
those... things spit
Should be: those...things spit
There are different styles tho, I think one is: those . . . things spit
Anyway, whatever you do, be consistent and it should be fine. I bring this up in part to see if someone else has an answer they're more confident in.
I used to write ellipses how you did there, but I ended up asking Gower about it (although it was a while ago, so I might be misremembering his response). Regardless, I'd say this is a smaller thing than the dialogue punctuation.
“I'm sorry about your sister, but some are simply not capable of preserving the perfect form granted to us by the Lyrd…”
Regarding the above, I've heard not to end sentences with ellipses, but I don't recall if it was just a warning to not overdo it or if it is against 'the Rules'. Regardless, using ellipses like that is done for a reason, so I don't think you need to change it, but I thought to still mention it.
Apostrophe
“Speakings all I got”,
To get the meaning of: "Speaking [is] all I got," You'll want to contract the 'is' against 'speaking' with an apostrophe.
"Speaking's all I got,"
Another example is: "Clouds a good girl"
Clouds = Plural for Cloud (nonsensical here).
Cloud's = Cloud is.
Here's a site that covers the myriad uses of Apostrophes!
Not the best, but might be useful? I like it anyhow, but I don't think you need to read it through, more just a resource that could help in some situations.
Proper Nouns
I'm not 100% on this, so not sure why I'm mentioning it, but I think some names of places/nations/things should be capitalised as they're proper nouns...but again, not 100% sure on this.
I guess I'm curious if anyone else will bring this up, and specify how to know when a fantasy noun is a proper noun. Sounds like an obvious question, aha.
Conclusion
Consider copy pasting the writing onto another google doc and enabling comments/suggestions. Mind you, I don't know how helpful that'd be, but I figured I'd mention it. The stream of consciousness style would work better that way...I think. Just an option I thought I'd mention.
Other than that, grammar still has some issues, the pacing seems good, and the story is engaging (and makes sense). Will be interesting to see where the plot goes.
Hope this post has some use, aha. I'll probably keep the streams of consciousness play-by-plays till chapter 24 (I'm committed!), but past that, I'll cut them.
