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Short Story; Breach of DS-78

2 months ago
Commended by Mizal on 8/16/2024 7:55:54 AM
Hey, this is my first time doing this. I've never really posted any type of short story, neither have I ever had any real experience in making a proper story. This was a story I made 2 years ago. I figured I'd add a bit to it and brush it up a little bit and post it. I would like any type of response. Things I did right, things I did wrong, story elements I could improve on and the like. There might be spelling errors, bad story writing habits, and some inconsistencies. Please point them out so I could perhaps fix them or be aware of making such a mistake in the future. It might be a bit cringe in some areas lemme know about that as well and what I can do to make my next story slightly "better"

I appreciate it.

The story itself is a short story I wrote that was heavily inspired by SCP and Lobotomy Corporation.
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Fido's arms were shaking as she stared at the ominous blast door... she squeezed her baton, the security of possessing a weapon was the only thing that was keeping her from immediate panic. The air of the corridor was thick with the musk of sweat as the sounds of agents and clerks 'hushing' each other was overshadowed by the distant sounds of metal-tearing and screaming from a faraway hallway, deeper underground. The sounds echoed through the complicated ventilation shafts of the facility, separated only by occasional gunshots. The floor of this specific level was made of tiles of metal. The tiles themselves were sprinkled with documents, pens, and general trash that one might find around an office. The corridor itself was about fifty meters across to the next room, the corridor itself had a high ceiling, allowing for pipes to be pumped from the surface to give water and air to the rest of the facility.

The blast door closest to the sounds of chaos was only lightly barricaded, surrounded by flipped desks to provide ambush positions for the clerks armed with pistols. Fido gave a envious glance at their firearms and took a small look at her own baton that made her feel rather underequipped. A single bead of sweat snuck from the base of her nape to under the collar of her suit, sliding down her back. She felt even more stuffy and uncomfortable.

The three piece suit never claimed to be cozy, but it was company regulation for both men and women to wear the distributed company suit for uniformity. She used to think the matte black suit was very formal. It showcased the professionalism of the company and gave her a certain sense of pride maintaining it. It made her FEEL like the business woman she always wanted to be.

However, she was starting to question the regulation. Right now, she might even claim to dislike it; dislike how the matte black tie kept constricting her unnerved breathing, dislike how the white dress shirt would stick to her moist back from the sweat, dislike how constrictive the coat felt when she did a test swing with her baton. It was beyond unsuitable for an unexpected situations. Yet even during emergencies, she was not allowed to take off the black coat for it signified the difference between an agent and typical facility security for the company... and for some bureaucratic reason, the corporation felt that looking in a room and immediately knowing who was in charge was important.. Especially in tense situations...

And a tense situation it was...

An abnormality has escaped from the deeper levels, but not just any abnormality. It was a level 2 abnormality. The "second to most dangerous" level.

But she was only a new agent recently added to Foxtrot team. What does she know about the deeper levels? She felt a bead of sweat drip from her collar down her back. The entity known as "DS - 78" could be breaking through that door any second now, if the previous ambush group couldn't stop them.

Suddenly awakened from her internal thoughts, Fido looked around at her surroundings once more. She was always prided herself on being the 'helper-type.' Agents and clerks alike would see the spunky new girl with relief as she always volunteered to make herself useful for the corporation. As of now however, she was quite at a lost for what to do or who to help. She breathed a small sigh of relief when she found the recognizable faces of her team, but the relief was fleeting when she saw Illia with wide-eyes, gathering research papers from the ground whilst muttering to herself.

Illia was trying to collect the multitude of papers scattered on the floor. Her face was flushed of color, her eyes jaded. Her own suit was covered in blood, she smelt of Iron. Jeffery kept shaking her shoulder, trying to snap her out of her dreamlike state. "Damnit Illy! Leave the papers! Those papers aren't important!" Illia looked up at him with a confused expression. One glance showed that she wasn't mentally all there. "But... I've got to get these papers stapled and send them to management. Felix... told me to do that.." Tears kept streaming down her face, but she continued to grab the papers one by one as if tranced.

Illia was the one who was with the Foxtrot team's oldest member, Felix, when the first abnormality escaped. She was lucky enough to get into an elevator before the power shut off. Felix was not as lucky. She looked up to Felix as something of a father figure, and there were rumors' that Illia had a one-sided crush on him. Fido never believed it personally, they were too wholesome for that. Those two were the original members of Foxtrot team when they introduced Fido, Joseph, and Jeffery. Felix was a lot older, a prime example of a good leader and competent worker.

Fido remembered every morning when she would bring in coffee for the team, Felix would always tell her to make his coffee black but to sneak in small spoons of honey into it. Everyone always saw Felix as a tough strict teacher because of his scarred appearance and the fact he was raised outside of the cities, but he was always supportive to those that he was close to. His life was a perfect rags to rich to riches story, filled with grit. Felix liked it that way. He liked the idea that even the most lowlife of beings could become something far greater. Illia probably wouldn't be alive right now if not for him, he was her 'mental rock' for a long time. It was a terrifying prospect to believe that he's gone, and what would become of Illia. Fido couldn't imagine what was going through her head, but now was not a time for that.

'There has to be someone who has an idea of what to do!' Fido quickly asked as she looked around for a superior. While there have been times for relaxation, the actual job of an agent was strict. Since the first day she got here, she has been told step by step what to do, when to do it, and when she was finished. There was a certain security in the monotony of it all. But now that a "Code Orange" (that signified a breach) has come up, they were lost. The team looked around and saw near the blast doors, an agent bearing the armband of a Bravo team captain giving a light briefing to the clerks nearby. Bravo team was one of the elite teams, in charge of distributing orders to lesser teams, all of them classified as captains. The classic armband carrying the Bravo insignia of a grizzly bear catching a fish.

"We are dealing with two escaped anomalies in the facility right now! We need to hold the wolf in time for the alpha team agents to make their way here!"

The Bravo Team Captain shouted, his own voice betrayed a sense of nervousness. "A wolf?" Fido thought. She was never educated on any wolf related abnormalities in the facility. The captain turned and noticed the armbands that Fido and her team were wearing that mark her as part of Foxtrot Team. The foxtrot insignia being a fox carrying a book in its jaws. The Captain pointed towards the agents.

"You five are the rest of the Foxtrot team agents, yeah? You agents will line the front and strike the abnormality while I flank the it!"

He then rubbed the bottom of his face as if he was thinking of what to say next. It was clear he was not used to a position of authority, Fido had heard rumor's that spots in the higher teams had to be hastily filled during the last abnormality breach. She worried that this man was an example of such since he didn't seem much older then she was. The Bravo Team member didn't make eye contact as he said his next words.

"You may die, but your deaths will have secured safety and the containment of this anomaly and thus the corporation!"

Fido was taken aback by this. Its clear that he said these words in some poor attempt to garner motivation, but it only frightened her further. She was always taught that the higher ranked squads would always be there to teach and protect the lower ranks. That the lives of their employees were their highest priority and yet, here was one telling her that she to die for the company. Sure, she would do her best to serve the company proudly, but the plan inspired nothing but fear in Fido and her team. What does this 'captain' know that guaranteed her and her teams death? How was she suppose to take any of this!? She has never done anything beyond the mandatory basic firearm classes. Firearm classes for a weapon that her team didn't have permissions for, yet. Fido suspected that perhaps the Bravo Team member was just saving his own skin.

Jeffery and Joseph looked at the Captain with the same sense of angry disbelief. Jeffery managed to barely rein in his emotions to ask a more productive question. "Captain... We have never heard of this 'Wolf' anomaly. Is it possible that you can give us at least a little more to go off of, rather then just saying we are practically going to die?!"

The Bravo team member flashed with a variety of different emotions, bordering on anger as he opened his mouth. "In case you haven't noticed new blood, I'm a goddamn bravo team agent. That means you shut the hell up and follow orders! I will give you information when you damn well need it! That being said, to answer your insubordinate question; the abnormality we are fighting is a wolf that relies upon electrical impulses too-"

Suddenly, a giant howl came from the room just beyond the blast door signifying that the anomaly has made contact with the First response team. "Fuck! I thought we would more goddamn time! Just aim for the goddamn eyes or throat. You hear me!? Hurry and get into positions in front!" He shouted as he gravitated behind them.

A naïve desperate part of her still wanted to hold onto the hope that this captain had an intention of keeping them safe. After all, he was a Bravo agent, They worked here for years before even becoming eligible to be a Bravo Team member. Bravo Team members have access to much more information than she did anyway. She decided that, regardless of whether or not his orders were just, staying close to him would probably be her best chance of survival.

She only heard rumors of what the anomalies in the lower floors held. The things she heard; of a sad boy made entirely of light who gave out diamonds that would fix any disease, a floating casket that opened to allowed you to speak to relatives that have past away, and an actual detained celestial from the heavens. It was unbelievable but then again, this facility is where they store the unbelievable isn't it? This facility was a container for the unexplainable, the "dream-like" what other terrors lurked in those deeper levels?

Her back felt hot and she started to shake, visibly unnerved. The anxiety got worse with each passing second. She could feel her weapon throb involuntarily as she feared for her life. The clerks hiding behind the desks flanking the blast door, have already started to hide under them. She looked to her fellow training agents for comfort, but they themselves were wearing faces just as scared. Jeffery, Joseph, and Jessica; the three other training Foxtrot members that she learned with, were all only equipped with the basic issue suit with a "Penitence technologies" trademarked electric baton. Fido was reminded of more pleasant times when Jeffery would pull out the electric baton on the lowest setting just to shock Jessica through the metal floor as she had a bad habit kicking off her insulated shoes in her cubical. Jeffery said it was 'to teach her to put her smelly feet away during work hours.' The metal floor was deemed a safety hazard for a while, but the company never deemed it entirely necessary to add carpet or some other insulator until recently.

She gave a side-glance at the Bravo team agent. His equipment and attire were in no way similar to her own. He wore a weird suit made of a texture similar to the flesh of a tongue. It was like nothing she had ever seen, the wet fleshy texture of the body suit moistened the bravo team armband he was wearing. He also wielded a strange green emerald spear that was almost three times the length of their flimsy batons. Fido didn't know if she felt better knowing that the Bravo team member looked like a visibly greater danger then the rest of them. "Perhaps the abnormality would ignore her team and go for him," she thought, somewhat guiltily.

Suddenly, she heard commotion muffled through the door at the end of the corridor. There was screaming followed by gunshots, along with a growl of an unworldly creature. It sounded fearsome and somehow... distorted... as if a lion roared into a big fan. Suddenly, the radio that was strapped to Joseph's waist beeped to life. All five agents looked to the device at his waist with morbid curiosity.

"ANY STATION, any station! This is Echo Team!" The voice was breathing heavy, and the ambient noise of the fighting on the radio matched the muffled noises from through the door down the corridor.

"Echo-Actual is KIA! We are down TO THREE MEN! I SAY AGAIN, WE ARE DOW-..."

The voice suddenly cut off. The silence afterward was contrasted by the noises of battle down from the corridor they were in. More screaming. More gunfire and that goddamn distorted roar. Fido could only imagine what terror lurked behind that door. She wanted to drop her weapon. Get the hell out of this awful place and go home. But where would she even go? Jobs were extremely scarce. Even more scarce was a job from a city corporation. She wouldn't be able to pay for a house in the safety of the city without this job. No, there was no choice. This job was all she had. Suddenly, the radio flashed to life again with a beep.

"Echo-2, this is Overlord." This voice by contrast, sounded calm as if this whole situation had been a drill and he was simply reciting his lines. "Overlord" was the codename of the military officer who managed the facility as a whole. The familiar voice sparked from the radio once again.

"Two Alphas and 10 Omegas are 'en route to reinforce your current position. You are given orders to hold the anomalies' position for as long as possible to prevent it from reaching other areas that said retreat as necessary. Over."

But no response came back. It was only then that everyone in the room realized that the sounds of fighting and screaming had turned to silence.

The Bravo agent's lips were mouthing words with no sound. It was so quiet that Fido thought she had lost her hearing, but she realized that the bravo agent was mumbling to himself, his eyes tunneled onto the door... He's scared too, she realized. His bravado seemed to have run as dry as the air they breathed. "He is just another frightened lamb like the rest of us." She knew his plan seemed somewhat disingenuous from the start. "What's stopping him from turning tail and running?" She thought, her mind began to form more pessimistic scenarios "That's why he was using us as bait... What if-"

An ear piercing screech marked the doors as three claw holes appeared through the entire door itself... Fido and her fellow agents looked at the door. Through the three clawed holes -...

They saw it... the long snout of the blue furred wolf and its gaze, the wolf was massive. The wolf was at least twice the size of the door itself, its head a meter shorter from touching the ceiling of the room it was in. Some sensible part of Fido told her that it was actually good that the wolf was so big, as it wouldn't be able to fit through the blast door, as the doorway carefully "bottlenecked" anything bigger then a small forklift into the corridor.

This however didn't stop any other forms of aggression...

Immediately, the wolf kicked what remained door with its massive front paws, causing the hefty door to be busted of its bolting and projectile through the corridor. The metal pieces of the door propelled as shrapnel through the air, tearing through Jessica and one of the two clerks causing them both to bleed out on the floor. The actual door itself projectile straight into Illia. It was as if it was a car door flying away from a devastating crash. The door buried itself into the neck and chest of Illia. The splash of her blood came immediately drenching Fido's right side as more arterial blood spurted from where shrapnel tore from her body. The distinct smell of iron filled her nose as Jeffery started heavily coughing, his body trying to get Iilia's blood out of his mouth. The wolf merely placed its paw onto the floor from its room to the next room. Upon it doing so, its whole body seemed to have teleported into the corridor.

"DAMNIT, CHARGE AGENTS! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WAITING FOR!?!" The Bravo agent shouted at them. But Fido barely paid attention to him, she thought that her fate might as well have been sealed. Illia and Jessica was already gone before the battle even began. Fido tried to move, but her arms and legs stayed locked, unable to tear her face away from Illia's corpse with a half a door shoved in her chest. It was a combination of unbridled fear and morbid curiosity. "This is what is going to kill me," her brain told her as her face slowly faced her fear.

She locked eyes with the giant wolfish creature. Its pupils alternated from red, green, and blue like some mockery of Christmas lights. Not even a second later, Jeffery broke her revere shouting "Man, fuck this! We have to get the hell outta here, Fido get Jos-!"

That was all Jeffery had time to say before the wolf caught his right arm with its jaws. How was it so fast!?! It was at the end of the corridor a second ago!? How did it reach us in a blink of an eye. Fido barely had time to think before she tried smashing the head of the wolf with her baton. The wolf recoiled slightly at the jolt of electricity but then acted as if nothing happened as it continued its assault on Jeffery. The massive wolf pulled back its head, its jaws flinging the screaming Jeffery into the ceiling as it let go. There was a snap of a spinal cord the second he hit the ceiling, and his body became eerily silent as it fell to the floor. Fido couldn't move. It was as if she was watching a slow motion movie, and she was the killer's next victim. Her face was drenched in sweat, and her knees failed to support her, as she focused on the motionless body now laying on the floor. She saw Jeffery's eyes dart from left to right. By god!!! he was still alive!! Trapped in a feeling body, unable to move. Even she could tell he was frightened as the wolf hovered over him and began to swallow the man whole. The bravo team agent had already started to charge in from behind Fido and Joseph, screaming.

'Get your ass up, agent! Don't let them die for nothing! Fight!' She didn't even realize that she fell backwards onto the floor until he said so.

She forced herself back into reality and picked up her baton and charged towards the wolf with the ever silent Joseph by her side. The last clerk armed with a pistol distracted the wolf, firing aimlessly from the desk behind it, doing negligible damage. The vague smell of gunpowder mixed with the overwhelming smell of burnt fur and blood creating a hostile smell. The wolf teared through the clerk with one swipe of its claws, Fido couldn't tell if the midnight-blue wolf actually bothered to turn around or if it simply 'teleported' itself into the right orientation to claw the poor clerk into three sections. She could've sworn that she saw lines of electricity from its paws as it touched the ground like touching a finger on a plasma ball. The wolf then turned its head back towards the three agents. The Bravo agent was within striking distance of his spear when he saw the after image of a sharp claw angled toward his face. He barely pulled back his spear to parry the paw. To any other observer, it would look as if he blocked nothing at all. Still, the bravo team member was launched into the side wall of the corridor from the sheer force of the strike. The wolfs eyes then scanned towards the two Foxtrot members left and oriented its massive body towards them and bent its head low bearing its fangs. Fido knew she only had seconds to react, while its head was within weapons reach.

She had steeled herself. Some part of her acted before her mind caught up, she would attempt to swing her baton into the creatures RGB clouded eyes. If she could blind it, she may have a chance of escaping with Joseph. She dashed towards the creature's head with her baton held in a defensive stance, ready to attempt to pry herself from the creatures jaws if it took a bite, Joseph followed her with renewed bravado as he advanced with her. Suddenly, just as she closed in on the wolf, the wolf stopped bearing its fangs and lowered its head. For a split second, Fido was confused as it would make it easier to hit its eyes. Just then, the head itself pushed against Fido with the force of a bus. She heard the fracturing of something in her sternum. She was head-butted into the air as the wolf swung back its head to catch Joseph in its jaws. Time slowed to a crawl as she flew through the air:

She saw Joseph's face as it was being squished between the wolf's teeth,

She saw the Bravo agent advancing toward the neck of the anomaly to deliver what blows he could before he was next,

She saw the facility security members pool in from the broken doorway with a variety of automatic firearms, along with an agent bearing the Alpha insignia leading them, the insignia of the glowing silver orb. He was surprisingly young, She thought..

...She thought about her little brother back home, barely older than six. How lonely he must feel, waiting for her to come back home...

Then her head hit a pipe on the ceiling, she never felt the drop down.

Short Story; Breach of DS-78

2 months ago

I really like it! I don't have much time so I can't give an in depth review for you but I will sometime tomorrow, but a short summary of things I thought you can improve on: 

The story is centered around Fido and (mostly) her internal struggle surrounding what's about to go down. I think the story would have greatly benefited from a first person perspective to get a more personal glimpse into fidos thoughts, observations and feelings. 

Another potential issue is that some people might complain about the pacing of it all a little bit, it could definitely be tightened up in places to move things along quicker without detracting from the emotional weight of the situation, there's just a little bit of unnecessary exposition at times, not much, and definitely not enough to greatly detract from the story, but some with poorer attention spans might find it to be too slow paced. 

Your usage of language in certain places was very creative and effectively conveyed, such as the cool detail in the memory recollection scene about the honey In the tea, little moments like that add richness to the scenes. Overall it's a good story, but try and improve the pacing and maybe try out a first person perspective so we can truly get a sense of fidos inner world. It would make the scene much more personal and impactful. 

"She thought about her little brother back home, barely older than six. How lonely he must feel, waiting for her to come back home..."

Here is a good example of a sentence I think could be improved, I love it, it adds to her death, but maybe it could be paired with an explanation on why he's lonely without her to truly add more impact to the sentence. Maybe she always takes him to the cinemas every Friday afternoon after work and today was a Friday? Just a little detail that would make someone go "oh man". Maybe she's the only one that looks after him. 

 

Short Story; Breach of DS-78

2 months ago
I honestly really appreciate the compliments! I never really have had much experience with writing in first person so that is honestly going to take some getting used too for me. I do agree that it could help flesh out my main characters though.

Short Story; Breach of DS-78

2 months ago

It was a good, well put together story.

Off the bat, the name Fido is off putting for me.Maybe if it was a nickname or last name or some other context besides just "Fido". At first, I thought maybe it will contrast to something in the story - maybe like a wolf vs a dog type of metaphor, but I might be grasping at nothing here. 

I did like how her mind would try to race to other topics, but ultimately find its way back to the situation at hand (ex: talking about the regulation turns back into knowing whose in charge...especially in tense situations; reminiscing about Felix leads back to Illia being alive, etc.). It was very engaging and quickly brought the reader back into the tense situation at hand. 

Some critique would be for rephrasing your sentences. There is alot of "She did this", "She thought...", "Her hand..."

"She had steeled herself. Some part of her acted before her mind caught up, she would attempt to swing her baton into the creatures RGB clouded eyes. If she could blind it, she may have a chance of escaping with Joseph. She dashed towards the creature's head with her baton held in a defensive stance, ready to attempt to pry herself from the creatures jaws if it took a bite, Joseph followed her with renewed bravado as he advanced with her".

Action is pretty difficult to get right but mixing in some re-phased sentences may have broken this up better than she did this then she did this.

"She had steeled herself. Without thought, her body was preparing to swing into the creature's eyes. If this creature could be blinded, it may be the key to survive the next few hours. The thought ran through her mind as she took off in a charge to attack the wolf. Fido could hear another set of footfalls behind her and realized that Joseph had followed her lead - determination etched onto his face."

Throwing in the character's name or something along those lines can also help you avoid the "she, she she, her, her ,her" sentence structure.

Short Story; Breach of DS-78

2 months ago
Thank you. Now that you bring it up, I do have a tendency to use pronouns more then needed. I really like your rephrasing of that paragraph as well. Thank you!