Crying
I start to cry and it starts in sniffles. I'm trying to hold it in but in a few tense seconds salty tears start pouring down my face from my eyes. Then, I begin to sob. Loud cries fill the quiet evening air. I’m breathing heavily while trying to calm myself. Trying to control my sobs but you can’t control your tears. I’m trying to breathe but my breath is so shaky it rattles my insides and comes out in short gasps.
For a minute I wonder if the tears will ever stop. *My face is all hot and spit is coming out of my mouth because I can’t stop the little animal noises from coming out of me, until there aren’t any more tears left in my eyes, and it’s just my body shaking like when you have hiccups, and my whole head hurts like when you drink milk too fast.* Then my tears come to an abrupt end and I tell myself that crying won’t fix anything.
Yet I cry anyway.
Breathing
As I'm walking through the noisy halls of my middle school I can somehow hear my heavy breathing. Long gasps rhyming to the beat of my footsteps. Step breathe, step breathe. It’s this perfect harmony that's kind of calming. Like the perfect air at the beach.
Oh the beach. I wish I was at the beach right now, a wave of happiness rushing over me. Nothing but a happiness I can't describe flowing through my veins. My favorite place. I suddenly snap out of my daydream.
I can't forget the anger I’m feeling. It is nice though. My breath is calm and steady. But then my breath gets faster and faster and more intense. I feel like I'm running out of breath. It's not calm anymore. It feels panicky. I take a deep breath because I will stay calm. Then my breath goes back to being calm, a slow symphony like the ocean breeze on a warm summer's day. For a moment I’m ok again.
Laughing
Laughing. Happiness. Chuckle. Crack up. Joy. Cheerfulness. Satisfaction. Pleasure. Bless. Enjoyment. Cheer. Cloud nine. It all starts with a giggle then a laugh then I’m laughing my heart out. It’s a continuous thumping in my heart. I’m smiling until my cheeks hurt. My face and the sounds I’m making says it all. I’m happy, and I feel joy leaking out of me like a hole in a boat.
It feels like the laughter will never stop and honestly, I hope it never does. I feel like I’m gonna pee my pants! Oh sorry tmi. I laugh until my heart hurts and I don’t even remember what I’m laughing about. After many rounds of non-stop laughter and aftershock giggles, my laughter dies down.
But I’m still happy and there's a sense of a calm, beautiful happiness in the room. I don’t know how to explain it other than that. But it’s a calm happy feeling when there’s not much of that in the world that sticks around as long as that one did. I wish it would’ve stayed forever but all things end eventually.
Screaming
I feel rage building up inside me, it’s so strong I can’t hold it in. I run as fast as I can to the nearest empty room and scream with all my might. A rhythm in my throat and chest. It's coming out so loud that if someone was there they’d have to cover their ears. But I'm the only one here and I don’t have to cover my ears because I'm so blinded by rage that it’s not loud enough to make me feel better.
I scream until I run out of breath. Then I stop. My knees are weak and I crash on the floor and sob. I’m asking myself millions of questions. What did I do wrong? Why did this happen to me? And why did I hold it in this long?
Walking
The thunder of my footsteps goes on and on. I'm so mad I think the floors are gonna break as I storm angrily into my room. I feel like dark storm clouds are clouding my head as I slam the door shut as hard as my footsteps thundered.
It’s so different from a few minutes before when I was calm. The rhythm of my feet sounded like the tapping of the rain on the roof. Tip tap tip tap. But at last that calmness is gone. I take deep breaths. Being angry won’t do anything. I know that
Thinking
I’m on a boat in the middle of the sky, flying fish float around me..…...I hear a bang on the table. “ Do you know the answer?” I stare at my teacher. “Uh, no” I feel my face turning red. I hear little giggles around me. Someday I’ll learn to listen but for today I'll just think.
Because thinking is my calm place, it’s where nothing else matters. In my own world, I’m the main character and I’m allowed to think whatever I want. I go back to thinking. I’m so lost in thought that the world around me collapses and all I can hear or think is my thoughts.
It’s an amazing feeling really, It’s like my brain can finally be calm and not pay attention to all the other one hundred million and three distractions happening around me.
I can for once, be myself.
Blinking
When I blink, It’s like I'm taking a short nap 20,000 to 30,000 times a day you blink, 20,000 to 30,000 short naps where you can shut off the world around you. But..I wish I had more time to blink, because to be honest, everyday, every time I wake up, I wish I could just stay in bed.
Hearing
I hear everyone talking around me, but all I hear is mumbles, the world around me turning into static, white noise. Nothing matters to me anymore ever since I found out. I miss you even though you're fine. I have mixed feelings because I miss you so bad, but I know this is a great opportunity for you and I’m proud of you. I just wish you didn’t have to go for so long. I wish I could come.
So try to stop thinking about you. I listen to the little conversations around me. “What do you want for dinner?” “I need you to reschedule my four o’ clock meeting to five.” “Can we get ice cream?” and it makes me think, it makes me think about when life was simple. It helps.
I hope you like this! I worked really hard on it for MONTHS.
