Hate to interrupt you and RK's lil bonding session, but these are damn good stories and other people should read them!
(also holy fuck I went overboard. I'm sorry. I like writing. TL;DR: Your story is good. Character voice is a standout here.)
paragraph one
That's a killer opening line— pun intended. It's undeniably a good hook, but there's more to it than that. It invites empathy by immediately setting us up in first person and giving us a traumatic experience that happened at a young age. Also, "first time" is wonderful. That implies that there have now been more times, further increasing the intrigue. Start with empathy and then built interest. I now want to know more!
But that's not all! It's also clean-cut. There aren't any fluffy adjectives, and the structure of the sentence makes it to where the emphasis lands heavily on "killed", which is exactly where it should be.
In one singular sentence, you've established the tone of the story and the voice of the main character. Really snazzy stuff.
paragraph two
Deceptively casual. There's trauma happening here, but the narrator is so detached from it now. I can hear it in his voice.
Also, starting with a personal anecdote is a great choice. It's innocent. It's warm. It directly contrasts with the opening sentence, making the upcoming trauma more interesting and kinda shoving the shock value back into the moment in a wonderful way.
Then, the camera zooms out from the narrator's close, personal self to the geographical location of this tale. Here we get our adjectives, slowly building this story up from the punchy beginning to more explanations now. A tried and true technique.
Honestly, the first sentence of this paragraph is also well done, for those reasons and a couple more. It's a lengthy one, but not bloated. Each clause builds tension, keeping it from feeling as though it's dragging on.
Following that long sentence with a short one helps vary the rhythm, too. Also reminds the reader that this isn't a story about ice cream.
Ooh, this next sentence is bitter. Makes the narrator more human and helps with establishing his voice. It also emphasizes the sentence before, assuring the reader that "Lucifer's Corner" is no exaggeration, but rather the opposite.
I love how you incorporate context slowly, so it doesn't dump onto the reader. It makes it easier to follow, as well as allowing the interest to continue building.
I also really enjoy the back and forth between innocence and danger that's displayed here.
And you don't wait too long before introducing the event mentioned in the first line, either! It's neat how you made the narrator seem so nonchalant about it. The passive voice here was a nice touch; makes the crash feel less like a human error and more like an omen.
Also the shift from setup to event is really nicely done; the intentional juxtaposition of the ice cream cone and suddenly a car wrapping around a pole really adds to the effect.
The domino effect is in full swing here in the next sentence. We've gone from slow-paced ice cream grab to a car crash, wrapping around the pole, the driver's dead, the passenger isn't, he's coming our way! Now we're a part of the scene; it's not just happening, it's happening to us! (First person was a good choice for this story.) It's very urgent and fun to read.
Also notice how the sentence delays the final clause. The driver dies; that's quick and final. But the verbs are more drawn out and the pacing gets slower as the passenger stumbles toward our narrator. That's suspense.
paragraph three
Wow, this next paragraph is action-packed. The tight pacing is good for a short story. Keeps it from getting to 5k from pure fluff! Lol. Right from the first line there's more action, more intrigue. But even so, this sentence is a breather. Five words. It sets the next sentence up for greater impact— which it delivers. The vagueness of "another car" also adds to the suspense. Friend or foe? Read on to find out!
Usually I'm not a fan of being told what a character looks like right off the bat, preferring it to be built into the narrative. But this time it's important; you give us a sense for who the character is and what they're like. We already know we're on a sketchy street, so the added description of the young man's clothes really just seal the deal. This is a high-res, efficient character snapshot. First the clothes, then the gun, then the hatred. He goes from sketchy, to threatening, to downright dangerous. The order of these descriptions is immaculate.
Once again, the sentence is long, but it's earned it. We go from the exterior to the interior of this guy in natural succession, so it all flows well.
This next sentence has momentum. The verb progression (marched, grabbed, shot) intensifies with each one, keeping the pace strong and the action going.
"like a puppy" is beautiful. It infantizes the victim, making it clear who's the bad guy here.
The lack of drama here is also telling. This is something the killer is used to.
The shift to sentence fragments is great, and the repetition of "No" really drives the point home. It gives the events that just happened a chance to sink in. And that was some hefty stuff, too, so it's perfect timing.
Now you recenter the narrator and his mother, reminding us that a six-year-old is watching, ice cream in hand. Also the casual "hopping into the car with his friends" is gold, too. This is just their average Tuesday night.
The imagery in this paragraph deserves a shout-out, so here it is.
paragraph four
Now we get the emotional shrapnel of the previous scene! The violence is over (for now?) but the action is not. Glorious.
You start in passive voice, which really emphasizes that this was traumatic. "She's screaming" followed by "I couldn't hear" makes it more detached. Also, sensory shutdown is a classic trauma response. I really do feel like I'm hearing a story from someone who watched a car crash when they were six, and have grown up really jaded.
Ooh, a metaphor! The event you're comparing the narrator's feelings to sounds like a mobster hit, which could be a hint as to what just happened. Either way, it's certainly fitting. It's also just good all around; it tells of the helplessness the narrator is feeling in a poignant way.
Reusing "screaming" in the next sentence creates a more rushed, panicked feel. Again, fitting. The physical activity of the mother removing her jacket ground us back in reality after the metaphor. Neat stuff. Also, the lack of adjectives or embellishments allows the natural drama of the scene to shine through.
"Now bloody coat" is understated but impactful. The delay of the narrator's awareness keeps the emotion and interest of the scene going, even though we're past the event itself now. It's a whole 'nother smack in the face after the actual happening is already done and over with.
Also, a special mention to your choice of words in that: "blood and brain matter". You didn't say "gore", or "skull", you were specific and gruesome. That's a good stylistic choice here.
The next three sentences are short, once again allowing the impact to fully settle in. And the order of them is beautiful, too. You go from emotionless to confused to scarred, the exact order the narrator felt those emotions.
How specific the next sentence is makes it more grounded in reality, like this is a real event that really occured. Like Mercer Gang: "real, not fake." It feels like a gravestone, especially here at the end of the paragraph. And "breathed his last" has something strangely poetic to it, which only adds to the effect.
This paragraph is great because of the slow, dawning horror and stark language. Nothing romantic, like "I'll never forget". No, you go for the more haunting "It never left me." It personifies the trauma, making it seem more heavy and genuine.
paragraph five
With this new paragraph, you turn from the childhood experience to the effect it's had. You also do it in a really controlled way, considering it's a descent into madness.
You start the paragraph out conversationally. "Used to ask me" gives off the implication that this was a routine thing. This is normal. Calling it "the fact" rather than "the shooting" or something of the kind helps drive in the idea that this was, in fact, traumatic.
Excellent character voice in the next sentence. He's dismissive— not being brave, just practiced. I might suggest even splitting this sentence into two just to make it feel more repressed. "Said yeah. Moved on." or something of the sort. Your way works too, though.
Perfect pivot here. Blunt. Confessional. Enforces a sense of intimacy with the narrator— we're being let in on a secret now.
Now there's immediate action again. The casual phrasing underplays what's happening, which makes it hit harder.
Now we're into visual surrealism. I love this kinda stuff. I like the sentence structure of this one: a little drawn out, but in a way that makes us feel like we're being drawn into it with him. It's a cool effect.
The little triad here is great. The rhythm flows well, and it's vague in a way that we still know exactly what it's saying.
Next sentence is a little bit cliché but it does do what it's supposed to do. The drama is tangible.
This sentence restates the previous sentence, which I think is good for effect here. Still, you could maybe escalate it slightly instead of echo.
paragraph six
I really like that this is it's own paragraph. It's grotesque, and splitting it away from the others makes it land harder.
paragraph seven
Three words. Eerie.
paragraph eight
Oh, the trauma gets worse. The intrigue builds. Keeping these as separate paragraphs is smart; it slows the pacing, drawing out the descent. Is this transformative identity horror, or did our narrator die at a later date? The mystery, the intrigue.
paragraph nine
The plot thickens. How much of this is real and how much is delusion? He seemed so sane moments ago. Truly intriguing.
paragraph ten
Now we're going noir-detective. I can here it in that old-timey black-and-white detective voice. You nailed the vibe right on the head.
"all the good stuff" is a great cynical end to the sentence.
The simplicity of the next sentence adds to the noir feel.
This, my good sir, is a typo. "becoming" should be "be coming". No worries.
"Guns and snarls" is poetic in a street-smart way. Very snazzy.
This part is visceral af. The rhythm is a little clunky, but I think it works because this is a fight! And we're not listening to a seasoned storyteller, here, but a man recalling a past brawl. I really think it works with his character voice.
Every good noir detective needs his femme fatale, and here she is.
The first sentence is the perfect beat to reset tension.
The description is visual as well as textural. The alliteration of "silk" and "shined" also adds to the elegant feel.
Next line is menacing. The shift from "a small smile" to "dangerous" is effective. Drives the point in better.
I like the immediacy of "still don't", too. Keeps the character voice.
The dialogue here anchors the moment in real time. The sentence also moves from action to intention to reflection, which is really neat!
paragraph eleven
Dialogue shift to the woman gets its own line, solid. I like that there's no tag. It's clear who's speaking, and it gives her more of a mysterious quality. Also enhances the drama of the moment.
paragraph twelve
I love the allirteration of "broken, bruised, bloodied". It creates a punchy cadence. Each word escalates in both meaning and sound, too.
I also like the repetition of citing dates at the end of the paragraph. It's a nice callback at establishes a steady rhythm.
paragraph thirteen
Very snappy. Another good twist.
ahhhhh this is too long
I may come pack and finish this in detail some other time, though tbh I've already done... too much. As for now, I'll say that this is one hell of a story! It's clean, purposeful storytelling with a strong philosophical undercurrent, strong visuals, and just really, really cool vibes.
some highlights
Voice and Tone: Wry. Grounded. Contemplative. Exactly what you want here!
Characterization: From an excellent narrator voice to Shiva's lethal allure and Dragon's cryptic warmth, you've got yourself an 8/8 in this category.
Dialogue: Believable and sharp. It makes the characters and advances the story. Pop off.
Structure, flow, pacing: The pacing is patient, almost meditative. It mirrors the process of recovery and training without dragging. We’re on a clear arc from broken to reborn.
The butterfly parable. It's not just a reference, it's the thematic glue holding this all together. The narrator's skepticism is a great foil to Dragon's gentle and wise telling. You also retroactively give the earlier convo real meaning. That’s good writing.
You show instead of telling the transformation from anger and skepticism to quiet strength. That whole early wood-chopping section (especially with the one-armed struggle) is pure cinema. It's not about being badass, it’s about discipline, frustration, and choosing to try anyway.
The resolution is definitely earned.
Thanks for this. It was nice.
Oh, and kudos.
