I've been looking around for laptops recently, which basically means I've been running around reading reviews of laptops because all the hardware information is fucking gibberish to me. And I can't look for gaming computers either, because according to Stryker as well as all gaming computers I've ever known, they tend to have the lifespan of your average Roman Candle if you use them for their actual intended purpose.
Anyway, these are the things I need to be able to do:
Store a lot of images, words, games, and dubiously downloaded Kung Fu movies.
The ability to play said movies and games fluidly and without framerate chugging harder than an unrepentant AA circle. Doesn't have to do this at max settings, but at the very least I'd like to run the game at a pace that doesn't make me regret leaving consoles behind. And also play movies at a rate that doesn't make me regret not searching every pawn shop and antiques dealer on existence for a real life copy of Sammo Hung's 2009 masterpiece Kung Fu Chefs just to watch it on a non-fuckled medium.
The ability to run Microsoft Office smoothly, which my real computer still manages to do despite its official brick status.
The ability to run video editing software.
The ability to do this for a considerably long period of time.
Here's shit that is of no object:
As long as it's reasonably laptop sized and can be moved without fucking it up, I don't care if it's a chunky piece of BFG-looking 80's technology. As long as it WORKS.
I don't give a shit about battery life. My house has fully functional plugs in places I'm still discovering in my 18th year of life, and I generally don't go to places that don't offer free electricity.
I don't give a shit about "bad design" or "too many buttons" or "clunky chargers" or whatever little nitpicks the scarf-wearing PC snobs get their hipster panties in a twist about as long as it fulfills the above functions. Laptop critics can sneer from under their handlebar mustaches and guzzle pussy juice all they want about their first world computer problems, but my priority right now is having a computer that works.
Here's some limitations:
Price isn't really a thing I'm too worried about, but the closer to 4 digits USD it is, the more of a pain in the ass it's going to be to buy it. Just keep that in mind.
If it's apple, fuck it. Fuck apple.
If it's a chromebook, fuck it. Those things only work on the internet, which is something I only have intermittently. And they don't run shit either.
If it's one of those new-fangled tablet books, fuck it. I don't like to use them at all.
If it's not a windows thing, fuck it. Windows is what all my programs are on.