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So the other night, all aflush with the glow of successfully assisting Spazzler, I spotted a newbie reading two dragon stories in a row and I say to myself, 'I will give invite this person to participate in the community and hey, maybe something interesting will come out of a total unknown.

So I fire off a quick message:

Since you seem to have an interest in stories about them (and there really aren't many that are decent on the site unless you count BradinDvorak's stuff...) if you want to try your hand at writing a storygame I thought I'd just point out that there's a contest for the month of December going on righ now in which one of the remaining prompts is 'The protagonist is a literal dragon.'

http://chooseyourstory.com/forums/news-and-updates/message/23527


He reads it, reads it again, thinks as hard as possible, and then responds:

From: Weirdleard
To: mizal
Date: 12/3/2017 11:27:52 PM
What?



....so yeah at that point I sigh and give up.

From: mizal
To: Weirdleard
Date: 12/3/2017 11:34:16 PM
Hmm, I seem to have overestimated communication and comprehension levels in certain key areas.

Never mind then. As you were, citizen.



Thinking nothing else of it, I go on with my life until suddenly:

From: Weirdleard
To: mizal
Date: 12/4/2017 9:39:07 AM
Is this a real person or a computer?


Uh. So not a question I expected, but there's obvioiusly only one possible way to respond to that so I go and dig up a big page full of Stack Trace errors from the bug forum and paste it at him.


And after THAT I get:

From: Weirdleard
To: mizal
Date: 12/4/2017 10:32:56 AM
I am very confused as to the meaning of you contacting me. I would like, if possible, to be enlightened in a better way so that I may understand.



By feeding computer words into his brain, I taught this noob English! Comprehension is still difficult for him, judging by the question, but still, this was huge! I was ecstatic.

Now however, I am feeling shy. I don't know what to say to him! This is why I'm turning to all of you to dictate my response.

Try evangelizing him. You'll either save a soul, make a fellow Christian happy to find that we're not all a bunch of heathens, or you'll find that Weirdland is possessed by a demon. :)

I literately have no idea with how to respond to such an interesting individual other than my suggestion.

Speaking of, today a Mormon dude tried to convert me on the street. It was delightful.

Actually it would pretty great if every single person reading this today went and PMed him about the love of Jesus immediately.

Maybe you could suggest he write a storygame about Jesus loving dragons?

Tell him his first step is to get a anime profile and make a super kawaii newbie post.

Only then can be become a honorary forum poster

Simple solution. Tag him, then immediately proceed to where we flame him for seeing good vocabulary, and him immediately thinking robot. Thus, starting a chain of events where he turns from a normal oblivious newb into a defensive troll. 

The Classic Cystian Selection Process. (CCSP) Fire burns out the impurities in iron, so if he survives the flaming, then he can put his newbish behavior behind and go on to be something better.

Alternately, you could continue being a robot and slowly but surely turn him into loyal follower, then set him on trolls whenever they enter the site. 

Many interesting options here.

Tell him to read Steve's new storygame as well. That'd make Steve less grumpy than usual.

Hold up there. We want to troll this newbie not torture him in ways prevented by the Geneva Convention.

For christ sake, what's with all the newbs attacking me as of late? I checked his posts, I've literally never interacted with this fuck except agreeing homophobia and religion were terrible. I guess I have to insult him or something.

Listen to me, you fucking speck, you pinprick of a human being, your existence means nothing. The fact that you're here calling someone a newb when you're so bland and useless you don't even have a profile picture, don't even have a personality other than one of the nameless fuckers on the site that I could replace your name with NZK56, p1_tjc and fucking CMorgan, the Morgan who's so bland that when referring to Morgan you always mean the fucking tranny owl, is so insultingly hypocritical that it's akin to the moral dictating of the kid-fucking Catholic priests.

No, I take that back. Kid-fuckers can at least regain some degree of respect through self-imolation. You, on the other hand, are just a fucking voice where a person could've hypothetically have been. If you were to go up to your room and hang yourself with a belt, or drink enough bleach to maybe have a start on cleaning the putrid fucking slime that is you existence, no one would notice. Your parents wouldn't even go upstairs to check on your, as they'd just creep around upstairs being gratefully they didn't have to deal with you. You're like herpes, in that at your very best you're nonexistent and people just don't want to deal with you symptoms. 

Also, the Geneva Convention prevents all torture, not certain types of it, dumb dumb.

So are you a computer or not? :P

I'm also a Noob with 25 points. As a Noob, you can understand where this fellow Noob is coming from. We Noobs are mentally impaired in some cases. Some Noobs can't comprehend the basics of words in English.

Sort of an interesting tactic that Zenjar has employed to avoid getting a lot of shit thrown his way.

By admitting that he’s a retard in a couple of threads, most of the heavier hitters around here aren’t even bothering with him despite the fact that he’s been making more than a few retarded threads/posts.

I think about the only person that’s been consistently pissed at him is Ford.

It's not really an tactic. I'm not afraid to be proven wrongly. If someone criticize me and it's factual or I agree with them, then I insult myself for it. 

 

Besides, are you a computer?

Are you asking if he's a computer so that you can gain more computer allies? 

Sorry, I can't comprehend the wording of choice you used there. Please find an way to enlighten it so I can understand what you just said.

Total Ford Bot I can guarantee.

Agreed. I've been pretty busy and the time it takes to point out the mental deficiencies of all these noobs we've been getting really starts to add up. Zenjar has lightened my workload and I really appreciate that. I wish the others would follow his example.

When I send messages to newcomers, I sometimes make a point in saying that I'm not a computer. Didn't realize people would actually think that. I think it's because newcomers often only have PMs from cysid at that point.

I would like to announce that I, too, am a robot.

But we already knew that. XD