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Description

7 months ago
I'm writing a description for a character, and I wrote two different descriptions. Which one do y'all like better?

1. Lorik is a bard who arrived in Frostfall a few years ago. He always wears a dark green cloak that hides his face, along with baggy black pants and a loose white shirt. He carries a foreign-looking sword and an unusual instrument with six metal strings on an hourglass like shape.
Despite his foreboding appearance, he's quite friendly. However, nobody knows where he's from or much about his background, aside from some unreliable tales of his adventures.

2. Lorik is a bard that came around Frostfall a few harvests back. Nobody knows what his face looks like, because he always wears a dark green cloak that obscures their face, and long baggy black pair of pants and a baggy white shirt underneath.
He carries a foreign looking sword with him, it rests in a sash he has around his waist. He wears sandals, and he carries a strange instrument also, not a lute like you are used to. It has only six single metal strings, they aren't doubled. It has an almost hourglass shape on the body, and the back is completely flat, not rounded. It has a clear loud sound, and still sounds great.
He's super friendly, but nobody knows where he comes from, his origins, or really anything about him, besides from a few stories about his travels that are probably aren't entirely accurate.

Description

7 months ago

Both descriptions have similar content. The second description is wordier. However, I don't feel like I knew any more about the character from the second description than the first. Therefore, the first description would be better.

Description

7 months ago

The second one repeats certain details multiple times: "nobody knows what his face looks like." And "but nobody knows where comes from."

Yeah, even though it is a description, try to make things a little more dynamic. Actions and stuff tell me more what he is like than a trait like "friendly".

What kind of things does he do that are friendly? Does he strike up conversations with strangers? Does he always speak very politely or does he crack jokes with multiple swears?

Take care to mention body language. How does he walk, how does he talk, how does he stand, how does eat? 

With objects; how does he treat them? Yeah, a foreign looking sword tells me not a lot. What kind of relationship does he have with it? Do you see him polish the blade often or does he likes to show it off and parade around with it? Does he hide it discreetly under his cloak? All these actions indicate multiple things: how valuable is it, how attached is he to this sword, does he want to sell it etc ? You can do the same stuff with the lute.

With clothes, general rule is; does it add to the character. Things like color can easily be left out for example if it doesn't give me any hints of his personality. Look, if the bard was very girly and cares about fashion, I would give more lavish descriptions about the meticulous fit and matching pink colors. Here, the green, black and white doesn't tell me anything and are therefore redundant. In my opinion, I would focus a lot on the robe that hides his face (you want him to look foreboding right) and leave out his clothes or keep it very very brief: such as; wears plain clothing. 

 

In short: the goal of a description is to tell me the vibe of the character. If I still don't know the overall personality and/or demeanor of the character after reading it, then the description might not be so effective.

 

EXCEPTIONS DO ALWAYS EXIST THO.

If the description is told from the pov of another character who is an unreliable narrator, then the focus could also be more about what the POV character THINKS of this person in question and their overall worldview.

Description

7 months ago
Lorik is a bard who arrived in Frostfall a few years ago. He always wears a dark cloak that hides his face, along with baggy pants and a loose shirt. He carries always carries two weird swords in a sash around his waist, which is strange because he doesn't really do anything but just sit in that corner, lightly strumming his instrument or polishing and sharpening his swords. It has a slightly curved blade that sits in a solid wooden sheathe. The sheathe is worn out, but you can see where it used to have carvings and patterns on it. Its hilt has a circular crossguard, and a worn wooden handle. The second one is similar to the first one, but has no cross guard and is significantly shorter. He also carries an unusual instrument with six metal strings on an hourglass like shape, like a lute but at the same time, not. It's made of a pinkish wood, and is very ornate, with a large painting of a rose on one of the sides and small carvings of flowers and strange symbols you can't read. He himself is fairly friendly, happy to sing and play for anyone who buys him an ale, and is happy to give advice and just listen to people if you catch him alone. He used to have a strange accent, but after a few seasons that fades, and you don't even notice it.

Is this any better? And some context, you're just a normal villager, up high in the mountains in a remote town, so you really don't know about much of anything happening in the world besides from the very rare adventurer who ends up in your town.