Was hoping if some people could review the first page for the book im working on, since ive never really wrote anything before, i tend not to be the best judge of literature. Its hard to tell if im being too critical or not critical enough, so all advice is welcomed.
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Age: 12
The sky was the color of old bruises again today, but I didn't mind. I skipped along the cracked sidewalk, careful to avoid the puddles that shimmered with rainbow slicks of oil. My best friend, Lira, followed close behind, her laughter like tinkling bells in the heavy air.
"Look, Lira! Another wishflower!" I pointed excitedly at a patch of weeds growing from a fissure in the concrete. The plant's bulbous head pulsed with a soft, bioluminescent glow – a mutation that had become common in the lowlands.
Lira's eyes widened with delight. "Make a wish, Vex!"
I closed my eyes tight and blew. The wishflower's spores scattered in a glittering cloud, each one a tiny point of light drifting on the breeze. Some people said breathing in the spores could change you, but I wasn't afraid. I was going to be a scientist, after all.
"I wished that I'll find a cure," I announced proudly. "For everyone. Even Old Man Gribble with his funny arms!"
We giggled together, remembering the fruit vendor whose arms had stretched like taffy, letting him reach the highest branches without a ladder.
As we rounded the corner, we saw a group of grown-ups huddled near the entrance to the underground. One of them was crying, her sobs muffled by the hoarseness of her voice. The air was thick with the scent of decay, mingling with the tang of chemicals. In the distance, the domes gleamed like false promises, their mirrored surfaces reflecting a sky that had long forgotten the color blue. Dense fog, heavy with pollutants from the nearby factories and machinery, clung to the streets, obscuring the horizon. I felt a twinge of sadness, but it quickly faded as I turned back to Lira.
"When I'm big, I'm going to make everyone better," I declared, puffing out my chest. "No more ouchies, no more changing. And we'll be able to go up to the shiny domes and see what it's like!"
Lira's eyes crinkled with a smile. "Promise?"
I held out my pinky, clean and unchanged unlike some of the other kids in the city. "Promise! Cross my heart and hope to fly!"
"Race you to the lab!" I shouted, already running ahead. My feet splashed through puddles that reflected a sky that hadn't been blue in years, but in my mind, the future was as bright as the wishflower's glow.
Lira caught up to me at the corner of Twistleaf Avenue, where the buildings leaned together like tired old men. We paused to catch our breath, watching a group of workers shuffling past. One man's skin rippled like water with each step, his movements labored and painful. Nearby, a woman's face was marred by lumpy growths, obscuring her vision and causing her to stumble. Children with twisted limbs and hunched backs played in the streets, their laughter masking the underlying struggle.
My jaw clenched as I watched the scene, my eyes blazing with a mix of determination and frustration. "This is why Dad's work is so important," I said, my voice low but intense. "We can't let this go on. There has to be a way to stop these mutations, to give everyone a chance at a normal life."
Lira squeezed my arm reassuringly. "And that's why we keep fighting, right? Your dad's research, my parents' mission... it all matters. We can't give up hope."
I nodded, drawing strength from her words. "You're right. And speaking of not giving up..." I gestured towards a cheerful storefront just ahead, its windows steamed up from the warmth inside. "I think we both could use a moment to recharge. Marta's muffins always help me think clearer about the next steps."
As we approached, the aroma of fresh bread and sweet pastries wafted out, a stark contrast to the harsh realities of the street. Lira's bioluminescent freckles glowed a little brighter in anticipation.
"You know," she said, "your dad's not the only one trying to make a difference. Marta's bakery... it's like a little spark of joy in all this darkness."
I grinned, pushing open the door. "You're right. And who knows? Maybe the secret to saving the world is hidden in a mutaberry muffin."
The bustling bakery was indeed a haven of warmth and delicious aromas. As we entered, Marta, the four-armed woman behind the counter, greeted us with a friendly smile that seemed to chase away the gloom of the outside world.
"Well, if it isn't my favorite little scientist!" Marta exclaimed, her wide smile crinkling the corners of her eyes. "What'll it be today, Vex? The usual mutaberry muffins?"
I nodded eagerly. "Yes, please! And maybe... do you have any of those glowroot cookies left?"
As Marta chatted with me, Lira drifted towards a group of disheveled men huddled in the corner, their voices low but excited.
"I heard there are vast seas out there," one whispered. "Water as far as the eye can see!"
"That's nothing," another added. "They say there's a world so large, you couldn't walk across it in a lifetime. And the people there... they're not like us. No mutations at all!"
Marta noticed Lira's interest in the customers and leaned in towards me, her voice lowering. "Your friend seems quite taken with those men sitting there. Be careful with such talk, Vex. The enforcers don't like people getting ideas about the outside world."
I glanced at Lira, concern flickering across my face. "I know, Marta. It's just... Lira's always been curious about what's beyond the walls. Especially since her parents..."
Marta's expression softened. "Ah, yes. Poor child. It's not easy losing family to the unknown." She paused, then added gently, "How's your father doing, Vex? Still working all hours in that lab of his?"
"Yeah," I replied, my voice a mix of pride and worry. "He says he's close to a breakthrough. I just wish he'd take more breaks, you know?"
As Marta handed over our treats, Lira rejoined me, her eyes sparkling with excitement. "Vex, did you hear what they were saying? About the world outside?"
I thanked Marta and turned to my friend. "Lira, we should be careful talking about that stuff..."
As we left the bakery, Lira spoke again, her voice filled with resolve. "Someday, Vex, I'm going to find out what happened to this world. I'm going to see what's beyond those walls with my own eyes."
I smiled at my friend's enthusiasm but felt a twinge of worry. "It's dangerous out there, Lira. We don't know what we'd be facing."
"That's exactly why we need to go!" Lira insisted. "There's so much being kept hidden from us. Don't you want to know the truth?"
I hesitated, then asked softly, "Is this about your parents, Lira?"
Lira's expression darkened, her freckles dimming slightly. "Partly," she admitted. "I need to know what happened to them. Why they left."
I nodded, understanding. Lira's parents had been part of a resistance movement against the dome-dwellers, fighting for the rights of those in the lowlands. They had disappeared three years ago, leaving Lira in the care of her aunt.
"They were trying to find a way past the walls," Lira continued, her voice barely above a whisper. "They believed there were answers out there, maybe even a cure for the mutations. But the enforcers... they came in the night. My parents managed to hide me, but they were taken. I haven't seen them since."
As we left the bakery, Lira took a bite of her muffin, savoring the taste. Then she turned to me, her eyes filled with determination. "One day, Vex, we're going to find out what's really out there. I promise."
I opened my mouth to respond, but the distant hum of an engine caught my attention. I glanced down the street, my words forgotten. "Wait, is that...?"
As we rounded the corner towards my father's lab, a sleek hovercar appeared, descending gracefully from the direction of the domes. It was a rare sight in the lowlands, and I tugged on Lira's sleeve excitedly.
The hovercar was a marvel of steampunk design, Polished brass pipes snaked along its sides, emitting soft puffs of steam that dissipated in the air.The vehicle’s body was adorned with intricate, swirling engravings, and its undercarriage glowed with a soft, amber light. Large, propeller-like fans on either side of the car rotated smoothly, keeping it aloft with a gentle hum.
As it landed, the hovercar's mechanical legs extended with a hiss, setting it down gently on the cracked pavement. The door slid open with a whisper of hydraulics, and out stepped a tall woman in a crisp purple button down shirt, paired with a well-fitting black skirt, Her look completed with tinted purple circular shades. Her skin was flawless, her expression hidden behind the shades, giving her an aura of cold detachment. Behind her, a group of domedweller enforcers emerged, their reflective armor glinting in the dim light of the lowlands. They moved with synchronised precision, surrounding the woman as she approached.
As Dr. Corvus and her entourage strode towards the lab, I felt a flutter of excitement mingled with apprehension. "Maybe she's here to help with the cure!" I whispered to Lira, trying to convince myself as much as her.
But as they drew closer, I noticed the furtive glances exchanged between the grown-ups on the street. Lowlanders quickly ducked into doorways or hurried past, their eyes downcast. I didn't fully understand why, but the look of fear in their eyes sent a shiver down my spine.
Just then, the lab's entrance hissed open, and my father emerged. Jules Hemlock was a bear of a man, his lab coat stretched tight over bulging muscles—a side effect of his own brush with the mutations. His face broke into a wide grin when he spotted Lira and me, momentarily forgetting the approaching delegation.
"There's my little scientist!" he boomed, scooping me up with one massive arm. "And Lira too! Come to help your old man save the world?"
I nodded enthusiastically, my worries temporarily forgotten in my father's warm embrace. "We made a promise, Dad! We're gonna fix everyone!" I often thought of my mother, lost to the mutations when I was just a toddler. The memory of her gentle smile was my guiding star, pushing me to find the cure no matter the cost.
My dad's smile faltered for just a moment as he glanced at Dr. Corvus and the enforcers, who were now watching us with unreadable expressions. But then he was grinning again, setting me down gently and placing a reassuring hand on Lira's shoulder.
"Well then, let's get to it!" he said, his voice carrying a forced cheer. "But first, there's someone I'd like you to meet."
He turned slightly, revealing a small, hunched figure that had been hidden behind him. It was a boy about our age, but his appearance made both Lira and me gasp softly. The boy's skin was a patchwork of textures—fur, scales, and something that looked like tree bark. He blinked at us with kaleidoscope-like eyes that seemed to shift and swirl with every movement.
"This is Zain," my dad said softly, his voice gentle and warm. "He'll be staying with us for a while. The lab is... helping him."
Dad knelt down, his expression softening as he spoke to Zain. "You're lucky, kiddo. Your mutations don't cause you pain yet. Many aren't as fortunate." His voice was tender, but the words carried a weight that made me shiver.
Before I could respond, Dr. Corvus approached us, her sharp gaze landing on me. "Vex, is it? I’ve heard a lot about you," she said, her voice smooth but carrying an underlying chill. "How does it feel knowing your father is at the forefront of a revolutionary cure? Do you understand the weight of what he’s doing?"
I stared up at her, taken aback by her directness. "I—I just want to help," I stammered, trying to make sense of her cold tone. "We’re trying to make things better for everyone."
Dr. Corvus’s eyes, hidden behind her tinted shades, seemed to scrutinize me intensely. "Ambitious for one so young. But ambition alone won’t be enough. You need to grasp the full scope of the world’s problems if you’re to make any real change."
Her words made me uneasy, but before I could think too much about them, Dad clapped me on the back and smiled at Dr. Corvus. "We’re making progress, and that’s what matters."
Dr. Corvus’s lips curled into a subtle smile, though it didn’t reach her eyes. "I’m sure you are. But remember, progress comes with its own set of challenges."
Dad’s smile faltered as he glanced at her and then at the enforcers, who were now examining the lab’s contents with a mix of authority and suspicion. He then turned back to us, his expression resolute but tinged with concern.
"Well then, let's get to it!" he said, forcing a cheer. "Vex, Lira, why don't you show Zain the greenhouse? I'll join you soon."
I nodded eagerly. "Come on, Zain! It's really cool!"
As we hurried away, I noticed the enforcers watching us closely. I felt a prickle of unease, but Lira's hand in mine gave me strength. We led Zain to the greenhouse, a place where the air was a bit cleaner and the plants glowed with the same bioluminescence as the wishflower.
"This is where we work on finding cures," I explained. "It's like a magical garden!"
Zain's kaleidoscope eyes reflected the glowing plants. "It's beautiful," he whispered.
Suddenly, the sound of heavy boots echoed down the hallway. I turned to see two enforcers advancing towards us, their visors glinting ominously.
"Children, you need to come with us," one of them ordered.
My heart raced. "Why? We didn't do anything wrong!"
The enforcer's grip tightened on his weapon. "Orders from Dr. Corvus. Now move."
Fear flashed in Lira's eyes, but she held my hand tighter. "Run!" she shouted.
We dashed through the greenhouse, weaving between the glowing plants. The enforcers chased after us, their heavy boots crashing through the delicate foliage.
"Quick, this way!" I led them through a hidden door at the back of the greenhouse, one I had discovered while exploring with my dad. It led to a maze of maintenance tunnels.
As we ran, the sounds of pursuit grew fainter. We skidded to a halt near a vent, peering through it to see the lab below. My eyes widened in horror.
Dr. Corvus and Dad were arguing in his office. "You’re withholding critical information from us, Hemlock," she said, her voice cold and precise. "You've been conducting research, hoarding your discoveries for the lowlanders. The Council won’t stand for this deception."
Dad held his ground. "The people here need the cure more than your council needs another tool for control. The domedwellers can’t keep the lowlanders down forever. I’m doing this for humanity’s future."
Dr. Corvus’s lips curled into a sinister smile. "You’ve overstepped your bounds, Jules. And now there will be consequences."
She pulled out a sleek, silver device, shaped like a narrow syringe gun with a small, transparent chamber filled with a glowing, iridescent green liquid. My eyes widened as she aimed it at my father.
"Dr. Corvus, you can't—" Dad began, but his words were cut off as she pulled the trigger.
The device emitted a faint hiss, almost silent, but the dart struck Dad’s chest with deadly precision. He screamed, a sound filled with raw pain and terror, as his body convulsed violently. The green liquid pulsed through his veins, turning his skin a sickly hue as the mutagen spread.
I gasped, my heart pounding in my chest as I watched my father collapse to the floor, writhing in agony.
Dr. Corvus turned to the enforcers. "Find the children. They cannot be allowed to escape."
Tears streamed down my face as I turned away from the vent. "Dad... no..."
Lira grabbed my hand, her voice trembling yet firm. "We have to keep moving, Vex. For your dad."
Fueled by a mix of grief and determination, we ran through the tunnels, the enforcers' footsteps echoing behind us. The labyrinth of passages was our only hope.
