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I posted yesterday but thought i should post again bc my story is now in sneak peak mode so everyone can view.

thanks to anyone that reads, let me know what you think here!


edit:
I guess sneak peak doesnt let you view the pages? lmk if you want to proofread and ill add you as a coauthor.

I gave it a very quick look. That's actually well written. The initial meeting with the boss was very good. The scenes with the colleagues that followed lack a bit of energy. But of course quite soon after the action starts. There are a lot of choices, but a good part seem fake, and sometimes the decision themselves are quite light. In real life I wouldn't think twice about walking or taking the subway, so deciding for one or the other doesn't feel like deciding very much. Rereading the Goldbird story recently made me realize how much such minor choices can confuse the reader. So my advice would be to focus more on major choices with known stakes. Anyway, very cool first story.

thanks for all the feedback, I really appreciate it! I'm going to keep working on it. Those smaller decisions at the beginning do play a pretty big role in avoiding/unlocking some of the endings later in the story but I can see where you're coming from. I'll keep that I'm mind going forward.

thanks again!

Oh another thing: I see you are writing in third person, past tense. But then the choices are in first person, present tense. It's not a huge issue, but it might be a good idea to stay consistent there.

Hey shesadeadgirlwalking,

I just read your story. Fabrikant said it best. 2nd person POV is the most common perspective here, and for good reason. It's been a tradition with immersive CYOAs, but at the same time, you can still write 3rd person. You just got to be aware of the differences and pros and cons of using each style, and then commit.

I liked this story, I think you did a great job with the writing here. I like how you show the struggles AJ faces as a reporter, and I think this game does a really good job of spotlighting issues women face in the workplace. it's creative that you managed to integrate that into a zombie story, and I like that it seems really grounded and authentic. I felt like I could understand the main character's struggles, and I really felt for her as she dealt with her dismissive boss.

I like that you chose to write the story with a female MC since it's important to tell stories with characters across all backgrounds, and I feel like AJ will have a different perspective/way of seeing the world compared to the MC in Dead Man Walking, and that perspective will definetly feel quite authentic as long as you keep writing the way that you're doing.

You build up suspense really nicely. I think there's a cool contrast with this story and the main "Dead Man Walking" story, since this story starts before the apocalypse, while deadman walking goes right to the abandoned subway car filled with zombies, so there's a different feel to it. The way you describe the first encounter AJ has with one of the zombies was cool. I ended up getting a death ending, but I really loved the way you described the woman's blood leaking down her face like drool. That's some really intense stuff. The raw muscle, the broken teeth. It works really nicely. One suggestion I may have is that don't be afraid to hold back. I feel like you may have wanted to add more descriptors, but you may have held back, but you can make it even scarier. Even more detail on the monsters would enhance the scene quite nicely! Go nuts!

Good work! I feel like you have a pretty good handle on horror, and I genuinely liked playing through this. It was pretty fun, and it's a good option for people who liked "Dead Man Walking", and want to play another game like it.

Thank you for sharing this story, and I can't wait to see the full thing!

SUGGESTION:

Zombie infiltrators in the military. I don't how practical this would be, and it might be completely off base so feel free to ignore it, but I always wondered: if the military fights zombies, what if there are zombies that start infiltrating the military? How would that work, and what might happen?

thanks so much. I'll def have to go back and edit when it comes to the POV. i appreciate the suggestion, too. I'll have to look into that and consider where it could fit best.

i have lots of plan for the story so im not sure how long it'll take me to finish. its really motivating to hear that youre looking forward to reading it in its finsihed form! thanks for adding that.

I found some code in the text while reading, %%TAKEJACK%=%1%, it shows twice on the same page when aj is with jack trying to enter the combination for a bike rack lock.

%%TAKEJACK%=%1% shows again on the page where aj tries to open the sewer grate and faces a mini horde to give jack some time to hide.

I just got ending 7. I didn't see any text or actions/choices that seemed out of place, and I was able to follow the story easily. I'll add more to this once I reach another ending. Also, sorry if I'm not too helpful besides pointing out the code. I'll maybe have more to say after I've read more.

thanks for pointing that out! let me know if you see it anywhere else.

I'd love to hear what you think about the story itself and the choices too when you've read some more.

edit:
those code issues should be fixed! thanks again for pointing it out. you've definitely been a great help so far.